They interpret that they are exclusively or primarily attracted to women, and many also conclude that they have no sexual attraction to men in spite of their desire to have sex with men. They define sexual attraction as a combination of physical and emotional attraction, and they assess that their interest in women includes both, while their interest in men is purely or mainly sexual, not romantic or emotional. Moreover, some perceive that they are not drawn toward male bodies in the same way as they are drawn to female bodies, and some observe that the only physical part of a man that interests them is his penis. Men in the latter group do not find men handsome or attractive, but they do find penises attractive, and they thus see penises as ‘living dildos’ or, in other words, disembodied objects of desire that provide a source of sexual pleasure. Finally, as a management strategy for judging that their sexual interest in women is greater and more intense than their interest in men, they sometimes limit their repertoires of same-sex sexual practices or interpret them as less important than their sexual practices with women. That way, they can tell themselves that their sexual interest in women is unbounded, while their sexual interest in men is not. What are your thoughts on this?
How Straight Men Who Have Sex With Gay Men Explain Their Encounters
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All this contributes to their sense that they qualify as being called straight or heterosexual, even when some also recognize that their sexualities do indeed differ from exclusive heterosexuality, which in turn leads them to adopt secondary descriptors of their sexual identities. As indicated by the variety of terms that they used, those descriptors often reinforce a perception that, as a sexual orientation category, heterosexuality is elastic instead of rigid — that some degree of samesex desire and behaviour need not automatically push an individual out of the heterosexual category. And while some men are willing to recognize that their sexual behaviours might qualify their being called bisexual — and they may privately identify with that label — they feel that there is no contradiction between holding a private awareness of being bisexual and a public persona as straight or heterosexual. Again, this conclusion is strengthened by a lack of social incentives to adopt bisexual identities.
My personal thoughts maybe a little controversial:
I think everybody is a little bi. Isn’t that what this research is about? There’s the Kinsey scale … It’s not like Bush saying you’re either with us or with the terrorists. I think I’m probably bi but what I present to the world is a heterosexual man. Internally I’m bi, but that’s not something most people know. I’m not ashamed, but the majority of people are ignorant and close-minded.
I think everybody is a little bi. Isn’t that what this research is about? There’s the Kinsey scale … It’s not like Bush saying you’re either with us or with the terrorists. I think I’m probably bi but what I present to the world is a heterosexual man. Internally I’m bi, but that’s not something most people know. I’m not ashamed, but the majority of people are ignorant and close-minded.
gailwright
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I think you raise a very valid point there. The idea of simple black and white choices around sexuality can be so restrictive when there are 50 shades of grey to explore....
briacon429
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I do agree most people are somewhere in the middle, but I’m not sure I agree with Freud that everyone is bisexual at birth. The Kinsey scale is a step in the right direction, though it’s still a little simplistic (albeit groundbreaking for its time).
I don’t think my sexuality has ever really changed, but what did change is how I identified myself.
Back when I was in the closet, I told myself I was straight, and I just thought of men as the forbidden fruit. So that’s how I rationalized the gay porn stash on my computer (which was always more extensive than my straight porn) and the fact that I caught myself checking out guys on the street (though I never took it further at the time).
Eventually I admitted that I really did like guys, so I started identifying as bi, and I started dating men. Eventually, after a few years of this, I realized I had no desire to ever go back to women. So now I identify as gay.
At the same time, I don’t agree with people who say that being bi is just a steppingstone to being gay (or however they choose to put it). I have plenty of bi friends who really do like both, so sometimes they date men and sometimes women. To each his own; the main thing is that you go for whatever you’re into, and whatever makes you happy.
I don’t think my sexuality has ever really changed, but what did change is how I identified myself.
Back when I was in the closet, I told myself I was straight, and I just thought of men as the forbidden fruit. So that’s how I rationalized the gay porn stash on my computer (which was always more extensive than my straight porn) and the fact that I caught myself checking out guys on the street (though I never took it further at the time).
Eventually I admitted that I really did like guys, so I started identifying as bi, and I started dating men. Eventually, after a few years of this, I realized I had no desire to ever go back to women. So now I identify as gay.
At the same time, I don’t agree with people who say that being bi is just a steppingstone to being gay (or however they choose to put it). I have plenty of bi friends who really do like both, so sometimes they date men and sometimes women. To each his own; the main thing is that you go for whatever you’re into, and whatever makes you happy.
SuperSissy
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I don't think of myself with reference to a label (despite my user name). I'm not all gay or sissy or bi or straight, but sometimes I am. Without a label, I can be what I feel on any particular day. But, if I wanted to have a label, I would without hesitation, and if you have a label for yourself I think that's great too.
Briacon429 - First of all, Congrats! I’m glad you’ve overcame the acceptance within yourself and be the man you were to be. It is unfortunate that men and women have to go through this still till this day. Though it is getting better but not nearly there yet.
I still believe that society has there negative opinions on LGBTQ community and most likely will.
And due to that, parents will teach this to there children as a negative thing as I was taught that it was a bad thing ..
I agree with you about the titles I think some men use the bi title but in reality there gay but for if themselves or others the use it because GAY just is the lowest in there mind.
I still believe that society has there negative opinions on LGBTQ community and most likely will.
And due to that, parents will teach this to there children as a negative thing as I was taught that it was a bad thing ..
I agree with you about the titles I think some men use the bi title but in reality there gay but for if themselves or others the use it because GAY just is the lowest in there mind.
txfuncouple
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You make some valid points and observations. I'm hetero, attracted to women, and always have been. I don't find any attraction to men outside of being a member of "the straight guy attracted to cock" club. We incorporated varying levels of play in our fantasy life and extended that to include the real M/M play. We actually look at it as a real life sex toy we occasionally use for mutual pleasure and nothing more. Our position is why limit your personal pleasure by what others tell you is acceptable. The only caveat to that in our book is illegal activity with children or other forms of abuse.
My contribution is that we each have to accept what we feel is normal to each of us and as individuals realize that another person's sexual identity is their business and respect that. Lots of people we know would disapprove of our kinks and preferences, but we keep our business to ourselves and don't advertise it on social media or to others.
I think given the removal of societial labels and hang ups, most normal people would indulge in same sex pleasure given the opportunity as a way to push their own boundaries of pleasure and experience the variety. Men being into watching women but afraid of M/M contact under the same premise is such an antiquated view of sexuality that it just doesn't make sense to me at all.
My contribution is that we each have to accept what we feel is normal to each of us and as individuals realize that another person's sexual identity is their business and respect that. Lots of people we know would disapprove of our kinks and preferences, but we keep our business to ourselves and don't advertise it on social media or to others.
I think given the removal of societial labels and hang ups, most normal people would indulge in same sex pleasure given the opportunity as a way to push their own boundaries of pleasure and experience the variety. Men being into watching women but afraid of M/M contact under the same premise is such an antiquated view of sexuality that it just doesn't make sense to me at all.
This same dynamic — the idea that men “get” something about sex that women don’t, and that because there’s a fully mutual understanding that what’s going on is just sex, same-sex experiences can be set off safely away from the rest of one’s (heterosexual) identity. You can be a “good father,” which many men imply to mean being a strong, straight man, while still messing around with men on the side. From these men’s perspective, they can have it both ways — the privileges of identifying as straight and the pleasure and excitement of same-sex relationships on the side — without their identity being threatened. Thoughts?
Txfuncouple - completely agree with you on removing labels, however as well know which is very unfortunate playing devils advocate (who’s normal?)are we because we don’t tolerate ignorance or bigotry from hatred groups as themselves or them?
Your absolutely right it doesn’t make any sense to me either trust me man, just opening I dialogue here..
Your absolutely right it doesn’t make any sense to me either trust me man, just opening I dialogue here..
briacon429
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Thanks BiDude!
As far as what society expects, I think a lot depends on the environment you’re in. I was lucky because my family and friends were always accepting. But even then, I wanted to play the part of the “perfect guy” which meant I was supposed to get a good job and be with a beautiful woman, among other things. So that was the hurdle I had to get over— it was more of an internal struggle than anything else. I can only imagine what it’s like for people with homophobic families, or in cultures that don’t accept it.
You’re absolutely right that guys know what guys want! That’s one of my favorite things about gay sex. That, and getting my prostate hit (which is a joy that a lot of straight guys don’t even know about— and man, are they missing out!)
As far as what society expects, I think a lot depends on the environment you’re in. I was lucky because my family and friends were always accepting. But even then, I wanted to play the part of the “perfect guy” which meant I was supposed to get a good job and be with a beautiful woman, among other things. So that was the hurdle I had to get over— it was more of an internal struggle than anything else. I can only imagine what it’s like for people with homophobic families, or in cultures that don’t accept it.
You’re absolutely right that guys know what guys want! That’s one of my favorite things about gay sex. That, and getting my prostate hit (which is a joy that a lot of straight guys don’t even know about— and man, are they missing out!)
Briacon429- sounds like we had pretty similar paths, I always “assumed “ my family wanted me to to become this Perfect Jock, Educated, Married, Family.. and they still do, but who’s to say that I can’t still have that...
My family/friends are pretty incredible and I’m blessed to have them .. yah and your right, it’s unfortunate because there’s so many others that have it worse living religious, homophobia, or cultural differences as you mentioned.
My family/friends are pretty incredible and I’m blessed to have them .. yah and your right, it’s unfortunate because there’s so many others that have it worse living religious, homophobia, or cultural differences as you mentioned.
The subject of straight-identifying men who have sex with other men is a fascinating one, in that it shines a light on some extremely potent, personal concepts pertaining to identity and sexuality and one’s place in society. That’s why some sociologists and other researchers have been very eager to seek out such men and hear them explain how they fit same-sex sexual activity into their conception of heterosexuality.
Some of us men do think that our behavior possibly qualifies us as bisexual, but didn’t quite want to take the step of identifying as such:
Some of us men do think that our behavior possibly qualifies us as bisexual, but didn’t quite want to take the step of identifying as such:
ericrodman101
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I am bi, always have been. I am straight acting but not at the jock end of the spectrum, just a run of the mill office guy who doesn't stand out in the crowd for any reason. I go through stages where I swing (ha!) more gay or more straight. Going through a gay stage ATM. I think everyone is probably bi, but cultural pressure is strong as is the obligation some people feel to their partners to be monogamous whether straight or gay ie some people don't go looking for alternative fucks. I have had longer term relationships (up to a year) with men and women, and I feel attracted to men and women all the time. Sometimes it's opportunity that pushes me one way or another. I am looking at guys ATM but if the right gal came along that would be fine too.
Ericrodman101- That’s interesting analogy. While some men/women are willing to recognize that their sexual behaviours might qualify their being called bisexual, they may privately identify with that “label” they feel that there is no contradiction between holding a private awareness of being bisexual and a public persona as straight or heterosexual. Again, this conclusion is strengthened by a lack of social incentives to accept bisexual identities.
ericrodman101
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To explain, I don't identify at all. If I had to tick a box I would tick bi. That is simply the objective description. In my post I called my persona straight acting. By that I don't mean I try to be straighter than I am. It means I don't stand out. I'm not even sure what bi acting means. And some people who act extremely straight, are as gay as it comes. This is often a concerted attempt not only to hide their sexuality but repress and defeat it, sometimes because they are afraid and sometimes because they have to to get by in a misapprehending world. Like many people I was raised to be scared of sexuality, indeed ashamed, not because my upbringing was evil, but it conformed like most people's did, to social norms - wife, kids, mortgage, career, keep your head down, retirement, heaven or hell, don't rock the boat. You don't have to look very far to see a world of alternatives to this course. The great thing about living in the west in the twenty first century is that thinking people have thrown off the need for labels, and we have the economic capacity and the social liberality to live the way we want so long as we don't hurt others. I only wish everyone in the world was as free as we are to pursue self fulfilment.
Well stated man, I couldn’t agree with you anymore.. I identify as Bi, because that’s what society what’s me to do, and for the simple understanding for those who don’t have the knowledge I state Bi. But it’s pretty common with even “straight men” living “straight lives having sex with gay guys
All because society doesn’t except them.
Men interpret that they are exclusively or primarily attracted to women, and many also conclude that they have no sexual attraction to men in spite of their desire to have sex with men. They define sexual attraction as a combination of physical and emotional attraction, and they assess that their interest in women includes both, while their interest in men is purely or mainly sexual, not romantic or emotional. Moreover, some perceive that they are not drawn toward male bodies in the same way as they are drawn to female bodies, and some observe that the only physical part of a man that interests them is his penis. Men in the latter group do not find men handsome or attractive, but they do find penises attractive, and they thus see penises as ‘living dildos’ or, in other words, disembodied objects of desire that provide a source of sexual pleasure. Finally, as a management strategy for judging that their sexual interest in women is greater and more intense than their interest in men, they sometimes limit their repertoires of same-sex sexual practices or interpret them as less important than their sexual practices with women. That way, they can tell themselves that their sexual interest in women is unbounded, while their sexual interest in men is not. What are your thoughts on this?
load69
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I am bicurious....I would love to get a hard cock in my mouth and ass as well as bury my tongue in a hot tight ass. I am willing to share my cock any way a guy wants. Once I finally do find that cock, I will be thrilled to call myself bi.
All this contributes to their sense that they qualify as being called straight or heterosexual, even when some also recognize that their sexualities do indeed differ from exclusive heterosexuality, which in turn leads them to adopt secondary descriptors of their sexual identities. As indicated by the variety of terms that they used, those descriptors often reinforce a perception that, as a sexual orientation category, heterosexuality is elastic instead of rigid — that some degree of samesex desire and behaviour need not automatically push an individual out of the heterosexual category. And while some men are willing to recognize that their sexual behaviours might qualify their being called bisexual — and they may privately identify with that label — they feel that there is no contradiction between holding a private awareness of being bisexual and a public persona as straight or heterosexual. Again, this conclusion is strengthened by a lack of social incentives to adopt bisexual identities.
UnderMyKilt
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Hmmm. Interesting, but where's the credit to the original article and study by Carrillo and Hoffman from which most of this commentary, and further discussion and "opinion" is taken...verbatim?
The Cut, "How Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men Explain Their Encounters" February 18, 2018. https://www.thecut.com/2017/02/how-straight-men-explain-their-same-sex-encounters.html
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yukonnights
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Thanks
I thought it sounded a little pretentious and scripted for an informal Lit thread HeywoodJablome2
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This describes me as well.
