Divorce and Separation

[spankableBelle]

~smile~ No, Miss T i am not sorry that i asked. And thank you for being so honest. my home life is very calm, he is very calm, very much in his own little box of contentment. He doesn't yell, doesn't get angry...very little emotion over me at all. It's been ten years next month, and what you said about failing, feeling like a failure if you didn't try everything there was to try...god, i feel that, have felt that so deeply...but then where do you draw the line on 'everything'? Over the last few years that i have been online i have discovered so much about myself, who i am, what i want and need...but still there is that fear...

i suppose there is a point though, isn't there? When inside you know that enough is enough and are at peace with it... i wonder when that day will come for me...

 

[Ukin]

Thank you, Ukin.

But I am fine.

It is simply part of my history and I am happier now than I have ever been.

*warm smiles *

I am pleased for you MissT..I do like to see happiness

**kisses and hugs**

 

[MissTaken]

Belle?

That is a question only you can answer.

The moral to my sordid tale was this,

it took a long time, but during that time, I learned that I was important and my happiness has to count somewhere, sometime.

I would never pretend to have all the answers.
There are so many answers that we only have for ourselves.

But you will know.
You will determine what is important to you and how to have it.

many hugs, sweet friend

 

[mbb308]

Did any of you ever know you should leave but were just too damn scared to do it, for one reason or another? And if so, how long did it finally take you before you sucked up enough courage, before you found that shred of self-esteem that was left, before you realized that your own needs were just as important as anyone else's, before you understood that your soul would die if you didn't walk away?

Yes, Dear, I think any of us in that situation has to deal with a big load of fear - fear of: change, failure, being alone (maybe forever), being rejected, being unloved (and unlovable).... And the time it takes to figure out when to act varies according to the people and situations involved.

My first marraige was easy to figure out, but it still hurt like hell. She announced she didn't want to be married anymore, and I got mad and said I wouldn't be around to hear that anymore. I did the mature thing - I packed my crap and moved to Mother's. (insert laugh track here)

The second one was much harder. There was a child involved, and the fact the first one failed weighed on my mind in the process. We had been to counceling (#1 refused to go). My work was a bear at the time. I was drinking too much. I was painfully aware of all of this.

Finally, as work was getting more time consuming, she accused me of having an affair. Now, the thought had crossed my mind many times, but I had no clue and no time to pursue such a thing. The thought crossed my mind that, no matter what I did, I couldn't put up with the micro-management and character assassination until my son turned 18. I decided it was better that he grow up with attentive divorced parents rather than antagonistic married ones who ignored him to destroy each other.

Among the ways to kill love are outright hostility and cold-distancing it to death. How volitile is your situation, or are you sharing living quarters without communication?

You won't die - you'll just hate life and feel terminally alone. I would submit that such is not living.

I rate relationships, good to bad (best to worst) in the following order:

1) good relationship
2) no relationship
3) bad relationship

Today, I have #2, and would like #1. I'll not settle for #3, in any way, shape, or form. Playing God, am I? Maybe - in that respect, perhaps I am the God of my life.

Try not to think about it too hard, but do ask your gut. See if you can organize those inner feelings, and see the pattern. My gut never lies to me, and is rarely wrong. My head can come up with some stuff, sometimes. My gut told me not to marry #2 in the first place, but I didn't listen.

 

[MissTaken]

Well

the children are home!

The six year old has been demanding and ranting all day. He threw some things, had long crying jags and told me he didn't love me over an over.

I told him I knew he was upset, but that I was trying to be a good mom. Could he please help by telling me in a quiet voice why he is mad?

It didnt' really work until after he had a nap!


Then I began thinking. All this strife over their dad.

Their dad is the dad who didnt' know their birthdates when he filed the petition. Is it just me, or is that a resounding message?

 

[mbb308]

Well

the children are home!

The six year old has been demanding and ranting all day. He threw some things, had long crying jags and told me he didn't love me over an over.

I told him I knew he was upset, but that I was trying to be a good mom. Could he please help by telling me in a quiet voice why he is mad?

It didnt' really work until after he had a nap!


Then I began thinking. All this strife over their dad.

Their dad is the dad who didnt' know their birthdates when he filed the petition. Is it just me, or is that a resounding message?

The volumes it speaks are unfathomable to me. I still remember my first wife's birthday and our anniversary - same for #2. These seem to me to be numbers one remembers about those whom they profess to love.

 

[MissTaken]

That is how I felt.

He forgot my birthday three years in a row.


Forgot our anniversary all seven years.

Bitched about the cost of Christmas presents, even though I shouldered all the shopping except his gifts to me.

I am feeling hateful tonight.



Good riddance!

 

[mbb308]

That is how I felt.

He forgot my birthday three years in a row.


Forgot our anniversary all seven years.

Bitched about the cost of Christmas presents, even though I shouldered all the shopping except his gifts to me.

I am feeling hateful tonight.



Good riddance!

I would submit that you feel resentment of the hurt you underwent being ignored/taken for granted/abused by neglect. Does any of that sound familiar?

I have to ask for help - I won't tell you how often - to be spared the anger. Some is normal - mine is out of balance when I get in one of those places, where all I can see is resentment. Anger kills people like me, and I need to find balance.

Sometimes, it's venting, sometimes it's praying for that person to receive every single wonderful thing a human could want, whether I mean it or not. I never mean it at first, but, if I continue with the program every time I think of that person, I come to mean it.

I think you feel hurt. Whereas I cannot feel your hurt, I can remember my hurt (resentir = to re-feel). I know your hurt.

I've never understood men like that you described. By my actions, you know me.

 

[MissTaken]

And can you understand the women who choose these men and remain there long after the writing is on the wall?

I can't.
I am one of them.




OH well...

my kids are home and safe.
They are loved and cared for here. They are safe here.

Such is my life for the time being.

Maybe someday, their seeing him won't be such a big issue for the family.

Maybe not.

 

[mbb308]

And can you understand the women who choose these men and remain there long after the writing is on the wall?

I can't.
I am one of them.




OH well...

my kids are home and safe.
They are loved and cared for here. They are safe here.

Such is my life for the time being.

Maybe someday, their seeing him won't be such a big issue for the family.

Maybe not.

Did you get my last reply to your last PM?

I have had the failure of the kind of reflex that keeps one from putting his/her hand on a hot stove! It's called doing the same things over and expecting different results - this time! It is, I believe, a form of insanity (i.e. - the inability to see Reality). Yes, I understand.

We do not know what tomorrow holds. We have today. My job today is to be the best I can be - the best parent, writer, carpenter, painter, friend....whatever I am to do that day. Some days, I fail, but some days, I am pretty darned good!!!

If I can keep the focus on me, like that, focussing on those things over which I have some control, and leave off worrying about/trying to control those people, places, things, and situations which I cannot - hoping I learn the difference - my days are more pleasurable to live. Life still has a wicked curve ball in it's repetoire of pitches, and I don't hit the curve well, but it's okay to strike out sometimes, too ( I do apologize for the sports analogy).

You are so on the right track. You want a handle on it? The paradox is, to get a grip, let go!

Not a lecture - just what I learned the hard way!

 

[Arden]

That is how I felt.

He forgot my birthday three years in a row.


Forgot our anniversary all seven years.

Bitched about the cost of Christmas presents, even though I shouldered all the shopping except his gifts to me.

I am feeling hateful tonight.



Good riddance!

You have someone who had the same experience here... me!

In 7 years of marriage, I got a Christmas present only the first year. Never a birthday or anniversary card, let alone gift. He made more money than I did, and bitched about my asking him for half the rent and expenses. I paid for the kids clothing, food, medical, daycare, should I even bother to continue?Oh yeah, my car payment, insurance and rent...

My ex got into drugs, and became impossible to live with. He would take my credit cards and get cash advancess to buy drugs (he had no credit) stayed out all night, messed around because his "wife didn't understand him"... ain't that the truth! One day, a girl called me at work to tell me that my ex was having an affair with her, because she was upset now that he was spending time with another chick. I told her that she could have him... yet she declined. She even laughed, and we had a nice conversation for about 10 minutes!

He did find someone else quite quickly, much to my relief. So, the marriage ended, he finally left after a little home destruction, and stayed gone.

Today, he doesn't pay child support, never calls his daughter, never sends her birthday or Christmas cards or presents.

The best thing that ever happenedto me was getting him out of my life. It was an ugly chapter in my life, but I've gained so much from the experience...

Take care,
Arden

 

[MissTaken]

As Wordsmithe has said, either here or in pm's, it is those experiences that are the foundation for who and where we are today.

Even the bad are building blocks.

 

[mbb308]

Paradoxically, I feel I have learned more about doing right for the errors I have made.

A young businessman asked a wise executive how he was successful. "Good decision, son," he replied.

"How do you make good decisions?"

"Experience, son."

"How do you gain the experience?"

"Bad decisions, son, bad decisions."

 

[spankableBelle]

~smile~ morning, all...

i wanted to say thank you, Miss T and mbb...i appreciate all of the honesty and the patience with my thoughts and questions...

belle

 

[wordsmithe]

As Wordsmithe has said, either here or in pm's, it is those experiences that are the foundation for who and where we are today.

Even the bad are building blocks.

Thank you MissT, for being the voice of reassurance and reason for so many, even when you have such a load on your shoulders.

 

[psyche]

Best wishes, Psyche... truly.

Well, as soon as I put that post up he arrived. I was ready to go and helped him pack what he needed. We had a half hour, but that's ok, we were ready to leave a little after 5pm. Since I am trying to document what is happening, I feel that I must also let you guys know that I made a mistake. While we were trying to get ready to go, I brought all the things we needed downstairs to the laundry room so I could then load them into the car. I put his sport jacket into the laundry room closet and as soon as I did it I told myself that it wasn't a good idea because it was not right out in the open where I could see it and remember to grab it. But there is no where else in the laundry room to hang a hanger.

I went back upstairs to get the rest of the stuff, put a light on the timer. In the meantime, he loaded the car.........and we were out the door. You guessed it, we drove up, I checked us in and got the room keys, and as soon as he parked the car he asked where his sport jacket was......hanging in the closet in the laundry room of course.......I certainly don't blame him for being angry, he threw everything out of the trunk, almost drove me and the suitcase over as he was backing out, and left me in the parking lot as he squeeled out of there....he ended up driving back to get it....I didn't know if he was coming back or not. He told me later that he was driving 90 to 100 miles an hour on the way back, and that he had almost hit someone.

After he left I was sick, but I told myself that I have a room for the night, if he comes back that's ok, if he doesn't I will deal with it later. I know I made the mistake of not remembering to check if the jacket was in the car. But I don't think he handled it well to say the least. This is typical of how he handles things like this, he makes mistakes too, and when I do, I have to face his temper and hatred and anger.

I went to the reception, and people asked me if I was alone. I just told them that we forgot something and my husband may or may not be back later! He was back in time for dinner, and acted as if nothing had happened. I ended having a good time at the reunion. He ended up with a migraine so he was pretty much up all night with that. I did not get a lot of sleep that night.

 

[psyche]

Hope it works out, Dear, and that, at this moment, all is well, and you are dancing the night away!!!! Let us know, please.

Thanks Arden, and mbb for your thoughts!

 

[wordsmithe]

I don't think he handled it well to say the least. He was back in time for dinner, and acted as if nothing had happened. I ended having a good time at the reunion.

While I don't condone his initial reaction, at least you had a good time, even when he got back.

I hope his medical attention helps with his temper and depression, and I hope that allows you two to have more and more good times together.

 

[Playtimes fun]

Awe Psyche........huggs hun.......

I too live with a short fuse. My wife gets so physical when she blows. It is almost comical, I made the mistake of laughing at her once when she got angry and started throwing things. She is a small lady 5'3" and all of 115 lbs soaking wet.......God what fury this woman is. The first time she actually hit me took me completely by surprise. So far she hasn't blown in our discussions of divorce but I know its a matter of time. When it happens I want to be a long ways away.....................

MissTaken I am not teasing you with Starbucks hun...I would love to buy or brew a cup for you sometime......wink

I hope everyones day is going well.

Huggs

Marty

 

[Arden]

As Wordsmithe has said, either here or in pm's, it is those experiences that are the foundation for who and where we are today.

Even the bad are building blocks.

The bad is what drove me to succeed in the last seven years post divorce. You can become stronger, if you choose to use your experiences to your best advantage.

 

[psyche]

While I don't condone his initial reaction, at least you had a good time, even when he got back.

I hope his medical attention helps with his temper and depression, and I hope that allows you two to have more and more good times together.

Thanks once again, wordsmithe. I am just trying to wait it out but it is getting harder and harder for me to do. My arguement has always been that I make mistakes, and I always will, but when I do I don't deserve to be treated that way. His arguement and justification for his behavior is that if only he could depend on me to do things, he wouldn't have to get so angry at me. I am at a low point today, I don't think that anything is going to change his temper and his short fuse. It's there and I am either going to have to continue living with it or I am going to have to get out. I can't tell you the number of times that I have locked myself in our bedroom while he shreds papers or rips up things that belong to me, and then he blames it on me. If I make him so fucking angry and miserable why the fuck can't he just let me go then.

 

[psyche]

Awe Psyche........huggs hun.......

I too live with a short fuse. My wife gets so physical when she blows. It is almost comical, I made the mistake of laughing at her once when she got angry and started throwing things. She is a small lady 5'3" and all of 115 lbs soaking wet.......God what fury this woman is. The first time she actually hit me took me completely by surprise. So far she hasn't blown in our discussions of divorce but I know its a matter of time. When it happens I want to be a long ways away.....................

MissTaken I am not teasing you with Starbucks hun...I would love to buy or brew a cup for you sometime......wink

I hope everyones day is going well.

Huggs

Marty

I am glad that you can laugh, I have learned that I better agree and go along with whatever he says at times like that. He is bigger than me and he has physically attacked me before. The only safety I feel is to be able to lock myself in our bedroom and wait for him to cool down. And of course I push him to do that. I have a Ph.D. in psychology and I know these are classic signs and yet here I am in the middle of it. But if I leave him now, I have no doubt that he will have a breakdown.

 

[psyche]

Re: tuff times

I am glad I found this thread. It is very informitive and I can see i will be a regular. I have been married 23 years the last three in turmoil. My wife has placed a higher value on her father, and taking care of him than our relationship. She is not the only child. He has always controlled our lives, financial and otherwise. About the only thing he never helped in was fathering our two wonderful kids who are now grown. We have discussed seperation and divorce and it will happen soon. Most of my stress related health problems are from living in this mess. I have choosen not to up and just leave because of who I am as a person. But plans are made and it is only a matter of weeks.

Thanks all for sharing your lives,

Marty

Marty, thank you for posting. You will get a lot of support here on this thread. It helps so much to know that we can share our experiences here and know that we are not alone.

 

[wordsmithe]

psyche

I try to be positive when I drop my two cents worth here, but I try to be realistic too. You have admitted your weaknesses... but if he doesn't realize that part of his baggage is his temper, and if he won't match the effort you put into saving your marriage... you may have insurmountable barriers.

"If I make him so fucking angry and miserable why the fuck can't he just let me go?"

Maybe he loves you, maybe he is afraid of being alone. But if he can't start helping you to be happy, and if he doesn't show the love he is professing, how can he ever win your love back?

Do something today for you... you deserve it.

 

[psyche]

Did any of you ever know you should leave but were just too damn scared to do it, for one reason or another? And if so, how long did it finally take you before you sucked up enough courage, before you found that shred of self-esteem that was left, before you realized that your own needs were just as important as anyone else's, before you understood that your soul would die if you didn't walk away?

When I started looking around this house and hating it and hating to come home from work, I pretty much knew then that I was tired of the conflict. When I started thinking about what it would be like to live alone and that I could do it, I knew. When I really looked at him and realized that the love I had was no longer there, I knew. I still don't have the courage to leave. He is suicidal at times, and I could not leave him now. But it takes a lot out of me to be here, and to go on day to day.