Divorce and Separation

[psyche]

Here we are at another weekend - where does the time go? This week has seen some major milestones. He has seen our doctor and been put on an antidepressant medicaiton and he has an appointment set up with a psychologist. In spite of how chaotic things are for him at work, he has made an effort and succeeded at not bringing it home with him. We went out to dinner last night and had a good time. The main topic of conversation was changes that we have to make in our relationship, such as making time for us to have some fun, instead of working all the time. For my part, I am going to take some control of this and make sure that it continues. I have my high school reunion tonight so we're going to that. It's 30 years and this is the first one that I've gone to. I think it will be fun.

 

[mbb308]

Here we are at another weekend - where does the time go? This week has seen some major milestones. He has seen our doctor and been put on an antidepressant medicaiton and he has an appointment set up with a psychologist. In spite of how chaotic things are for him at work, he has made an effort and succeeded at not bringing it home with him. We went out to dinner last night and had a good time. The main topic of conversation was changes that we have to make in our relationship, such as making time for us to have some fun, instead of working all the time. For my part, I am going to take some control of this and make sure that it continues. I have my high school reunion tonight so we're going to that. It's 30 years and this is the first one that I've gone to. I think it will be fun.

Good luck with all of that. I never even heard from my high school for #25! Not bringing work home is a tough assignment, but it can be done. A job is only a job - at least it should be. Fun may have to be scheduled until it becomes more spontaneous. Is the Psychologist's appt alone or together? Sounds like you've made the commitment to keep up with this, and that is a huge help. Hope that much progress is made, and that things work out satisfactorily, or better....

 

[psyche]

Good luck with all of that. I never even heard from my high school for #25! Not bringing work home is a tough assignment, but it can be done. A job is only a job - at least it should be. Fun may have to be scheduled until it becomes more spontaneous. Is the Psychologist's appt alone or together? Sounds like you've made the commitment to keep up with this, and that is a huge help. Hope that much progress is made, and that things work out satisfactorily, or better....

Thanks mbb. The appointment is for him alone at first. Since he is suffering from depression we are going to address that issue first. But we will get marital counseling also, we both need to go in, and we both have things to work on. Like I said, I am not going to impulsively walk out of a 20 year marriage with everything that is going on. If we work on some things my lost love may come back.

A good place to keep in touch with high school friends is Classmates.com.

 

[mbb308]

Thanks mbb. The appointment is for him alone at first. Since he is suffering from depression we are going to address that issue first. But we will get marital counseling also, we both need to go in, and we both have things to work on. Like I said, I am not going to impulsively walk out of a 20 year marriage with everything that is going on. If we work on some things my lost love may come back.

A good place to keep in touch with high school friends is Classmates.com.

Depression can be an ongoing battle (like I'm telling you something you don't know!!! - I can be that arrogant, sometimes!). My experience is that taking action - almost of any kind - is a really good start, and persistence pays dividends. That is for him. I think that if he sees you are working with him in the couples counselling, and he is open minded about it, it'll work out. It's easier to love someone who is taking you into account and is making progress, at least to me. Nothing like a stone wall to turn me off!!!!

 

[psyche]

Depression can be an ongoing battle (like I'm telling you something you don't know!!! - I can be that arrogant, sometimes!). My experience is that taking action - almost of any kind - is a really good start, and persistence pays dividends. That is for him. I think that if he sees you are working with him in the couples counselling, and he is open minded about it, it'll work out. It's easier to love someone who is taking you into account and is making progress, at least to me. Nothing like a stone wall to turn me off!!!!

Believe me it was a miracle that he is able for the first time to even recognize his depression, so it is a really good start for us for a change for the better. And it has been an ongoing battle for most of our marriage.

 

[mbb308]

Believe me it was a miracle that he is able for the first time to even recognize his depression, so it is a really good start for us for a change for the better. And it has been an ongoing battle for most of our marriage.

I have fought the depression battle from time to time. I don't medicate it anymore, but it can be a drag, sometimes. Guess that's why they call it "depression".

Sounds like the old boy is willing to change - a crucial first step. My second wife was willing to do councelling, but she wanted the councelor to make me do what she - the ex - wanted. She even pulled that sh*t with my mother, who told her where to head in, and me all about it. What a big ugly mess!!! That was all over in 1990.

My son told me last week about her first big scrap with her new hubbie, and it sounds like she's up to her same old tricks. Someone should ask her, "How's that workin' out for ya?"

May your miracle continue!!!!

 

[MissTaken]

Believe me it was a miracle that he is able for the first time to even recognize his depression, so it is a really good start for us for a change for the better. And it has been an ongoing battle for most of our marriage.

That is good news!

My ex struggles with depression and anxiety and wouldn't address it.

It got to the point where I was begging and crying. However, he now lives his depressed life and the children and I have ours. It is an ugly disease and can be so easily treated.

I wish you well.

mbb! Welcome to the thread and thanks for bumping it up a bit. When it is visible, people seem to use it well.

 

[chewbacca71]

Just wanted to stop in and say hello. Today is M-day or moving day. I am moving in with my sister to save costs so I can get the money to get my own place. Last night was so emotional, the kids had such a hard time going to bed, and it was not less turbulent for us. My wife icy exterior that she has used for the last few months finally broke last night as the enormity of her decision finally hit home. She cried for over an hour, and I had hopes that this might be a step in the direction of reconciliation. But in the end, she still felt that she was making the right decision to break up our family. So a major bummer of a day, thank god I have to work later. That is sad when you look forward to work to get away from home life.

Chewey

 

[mbb308]

That is good news!

My ex struggles with depression and anxiety and wouldn't address it.

It got to the point where I was begging and crying. However, he now lives his depressed life and the children and I have ours. It is an ugly disease and can be so easily treated.

I wish you well.

mbb! Welcome to the thread and thanks for bumping it up a bit. When it is visible, people seem to use it well.

Thanks for the credit, but it rightfully goes to Psyche. I merely responded to her.

Some people are so unable to see about themselves what is so obvious to the rest of the world, and that's sad. I had to drop the notion that I was right and all of you were wrong. That was my start, and the next was to give up on my old way of doing things, and become willing to change....

 

[MissTaken]

Hugs to you, Chewey.

Sincerely, if I were closer I would give them to you for real.

Reading your post, I sense your hurt and it brought me back to some moments in my life.

Be strong for the kids, reassure them and see them often. They will need lots of reassurances.

And you, I know you will need lots of support and maybe being with your sister is the best answer in many ways.

hugs hugs hugs



Miss T

 

[MissTaken]

Thanks for the credit, but it rightfully goes to Psyche. I merely responded to her.

Some people are so unable to see about themselves what is so obvious to the rest of the world, and that's sad. I had to drop the notion that I was right and all of you were wrong. That was my start, and the next was to give up on my old way of doing things, and become willing to change....

Many hugs to you then!

 

[mbb308]

Many hugs to you then!

Thank you, and you, too. You're a sweet person!!!

 

[MissTaken]

Thank you, and you, too. You're a sweet person!!!

No way!

I am just not awake enough to go into "nasty mode!"






Depression? Well, wiht my ex his depression and anxiety manifest themselves in abusive behavior, physically and verbally. So, with the kids with him this weekend.....I tend to be a bit anxious myself. The best I could do was to tell him if they ever returned with a bruise, he would never see them alone again. But I worry, even though we have been at this for 18 months.

Unfortunately, you can't do a whole lot about his verbal stuff. He tears down their self esteem, calls them names, threatens them for piddly things and sends them home. So, I rest because after every visit, they return and need a lot of reassurance and yes, patience. My son always breaks into a temper tantrum that mirrors his dad's with an hour of being home. My daughter has crying jags that last for hours where nothing in the world is right.

So, here I sit, relaxing and planning my strategy. Usually, I can deter most of it if I have a special activity planned, beach or movie or something like that. We will see.

 

[psyche]

I have fought the depression battle from time to time. I don't medicate it anymore, but it can be a drag, sometimes. Guess that's why they call it "depression".

Sounds like the old boy is willing to change - a crucial first step. My second wife was willing to do councelling, but she wanted the councelor to make me do what she - the ex - wanted. She even pulled that sh*t with my mother, who told her where to head in, and me all about it. What a big ugly mess!!! That was all over in 1990.

My son told me last week about her first big scrap with her new hubbie, and it sounds like she's up to her same old tricks. Someone should ask her, "How's that workin' out for ya?"

May your miracle continue!!!!

I know enough that I know if I leave this marriage that I take all of my own problems with me. If I don't love him anymore I still have to work on myself and my contributions to our problems. And you're right - many people just continue in their patterns of behavior that contributed to the downfall of their first marriage. Thanks for the insight.

 

[psyche]

That is good news!

My ex struggles with depression and anxiety and wouldn't address it.

It got to the point where I was begging and crying. However, he now lives his depressed life and the children and I have ours. It is an ugly disease and can be so easily treated.

I wish you well.

mbb! Welcome to the thread and thanks for bumping it up a bit. When it is visible, people seem to use it well.

I think it scared him when I told him that I have lost my love for him. It was an awful stage for us but it really opened his eyes to the fact that I was ready to leave him and that I couldn't take it any longer. Thanks!

 

[psyche]

Just wanted to stop in and say hello. Today is M-day or moving day. I am moving in with my sister to save costs so I can get the money to get my own place. Last night was so emotional, the kids had such a hard time going to bed, and it was not less turbulent for us. My wife icy exterior that she has used for the last few months finally broke last night as the enormity of her decision finally hit home. She cried for over an hour, and I had hopes that this might be a step in the direction of reconciliation. But in the end, she still felt that she was making the right decision to break up our family. So a major bummer of a day, thank god I have to work later. That is sad when you look forward to work to get away from home life.

Chewey

I really feel for you Chewey. It is one of the most difficult experiences that people go through. I wish you well in getting through this.

 

[mbb308]

No way!

I am just not awake enough to go into "nasty mode!"






Depression? Well, wiht my ex his depression and anxiety manifest themselves in abusive behavior, physically and verbally. So, with the kids with him this weekend.....I tend to be a bit anxious myself. The best I could do was to tell him if they ever returned with a bruise, he would never see them alone again. But I worry, even though we have been at this for 18 months.

Unfortunately, you can't do a whole lot about his verbal stuff. He tears down their self esteem, calls them names, threatens them for piddly things and sends them home. So, I rest because after every visit, they return and need a lot of reassurance and yes, patience. My son always breaks into a temper tantrum that mirrors his dad's with an hour of being home. My daughter has crying jags that last for hours where nothing in the world is right.

So, here I sit, relaxing and planning my strategy. Usually, I can deter most of it if I have a special activity planned, beach or movie or something like that. We will see.

Very clever response!!!! Kudoes to you!!!!

Sadly, it's the psychological damage done by the verbal stuff that is hardest to identify and correct. My mother was verbally abusive when we were little, and it took years for me to see it. The sad thing was, it was all her stuff from when she was little manifesting itself by living one more generation. I have seen this, and have had a couple of golden opportunities to break the cycle in the raising of my son. One in particular is my great parental achievement.

Be careful with what you tell the state, or any "official" agency. Some of them have strange new laws giving them the power to make huge messes domestically. To wit: a waitress friend (and ex-drug abuser) hit her live-in boyfriend during an argument (she's little - how bad could it be - not to excuse her). A neighbor called the cops. He declined to press charges, but the City did, and could because of a new law giving them that power. She is now on work release while serving the 6 month portion of the 5 years she got, with 4 1/2 suspended. That seems a little excessive to me, and like one of those unintended consequences.

 

[mbb308]

I know enough that I know if I leave this marriage that I take all of my own problems with me. If I don't love him anymore I still have to work on myself and my contributions to our problems. And you're right - many people just continue in their patterns of behavior that contributed to the downfall of their first marriage. Thanks for the insight.

Just my experience, and hope. Anytime - hope you know that. And you are so right....wherever you go, there you are, and you find you took you with you, too.

 

[chewbacca71]

Hugs to you, Chewey.

Sincerely, if I were closer I would give them to you for real.

Reading your post, I sense your hurt and it brought me back to some moments in my life.

Be strong for the kids, reassure them and see them often. They will need lots of reassurances.

And you, I know you will need lots of support and maybe being with your sister is the best answer in many ways.

hugs hugs hugs



Miss T

Thank you Miss T. I am still civil with her now, so I will be able to see them more often, but I fear in the future that it will change. One of the tough things of being with my sister is she has two young kids too, so I will be reminded of mine all the time, sigh. Oh well, taking it one day at a time, hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Chewey

 

[psyche]

This morning when I looked for this thread, I was very hesitant about posting the progress again because I felt so selfish about using this thread to vent and organize my thoughts. Your responses help me so much I can't begin to put it into words. Since my husband is depressed I have had to put up a strong front and not break down in front of him. I can come here and cry and put my feelings down without worrying about how they will be taken. Thank you all so much.

 

[mbb308]

Just wanted to stop in and say hello. Today is M-day or moving day. I am moving in with my sister to save costs so I can get the money to get my own place. Last night was so emotional, the kids had such a hard time going to bed, and it was not less turbulent for us. My wife icy exterior that she has used for the last few months finally broke last night as the enormity of her decision finally hit home. She cried for over an hour, and I had hopes that this might be a step in the direction of reconciliation. But in the end, she still felt that she was making the right decision to break up our family. So a major bummer of a day, thank god I have to work later. That is sad when you look forward to work to get away from home life.

Chewey

You have my empathy! I've done that - twice - and it wasn't easy either time!!!

Staying busy can be therapeutic itself. Try not to dwell in your head - it can be an ugly place to be.

Be careful, and try to be good to yourself!!!!

 

[mbb308]

This morning when I looked for this thread, I was very hesitant about posting the progress again because I felt so selfish about using this thread to vent and organize my thoughts. Your responses help me so much I can't begin to put it into words. Since my husband is depressed I have had to put up a strong front and not break down in front of him. I can come here and cry and put my feelings down without worrying about how they will be taken. Thank you all so much.

You're so very welcome!!! You help me collect my thoughts, and by passing them, and my experience, along, I feel of some use, and I need that, too.

 

[mbb308]

BTW, MissTaken....

I'll be keeping an eye out for that "Nasty Mode"....I like my friends to have ridges and edges....it makes them so much more interesting!!!!

But, then, I can be like that....

 

[MissTaken]

This morning when I looked for this thread, I was very hesitant about posting the progress again because I felt so selfish about using this thread to vent and organize my thoughts. Your responses help me so much I can't begin to put it into words. Since my husband is depressed I have had to put up a strong front and not break down in front of him. I can come here and cry and put my feelings down without worrying about how they will be taken. Thank you all so much.

That is whta this thread is for, psyche.

And if, in organizing your thoughts here and even venting from time to time, it helps you go about the business of dealing with real life, it has been a success. the thread, that is.

One day at a time and even though I started these threads, I would never advocate for divorce as the first response when things are tough. It is always the last resort.

hugs to you

 

[chewbacca71]

I really feel for you Chewey. It is one of the most difficult experiences that people go through. I wish you well in getting through this.

I tend to work a lot of hours, so I will not have a lot of time alone to dwell on the situation. I just hope the time flies by very quickly. Once I have my own place, I think that things will be easier .

Chewey