Some poly, some kink, some other stuff ...

[KimGordon67]

Kim you are a caring thoughtful partner for your guy. Yes, do your research so you can stay in that 'space that you both fit into’. You have a great thing going.

Well now I'm blushing.

 

[KimGordon67]

So much catching up to do ...

... like, SO much. But one little gem that happened the other weekend that really did surprise me.
The BF came and stayed the weekend ... quite a long weekend, from Thursday arvo until Monday morning (actually ended up being until Tuesday morning). As I was dressing for work on Monday morning and he was still in bed, he asked me to put his mouth on his cock 'just for a few seconds', and while we were bantering about that, he said 'I'd like to record you doing that one day' and I said 'like, now?' ... and yeah, like now it was.
Just to be clear, I really really hate having my photo taken. I'm used to having a video camera on me, because it's something that happens regularly as part of my job, but I hate watching the result. But I was really curious to see how this worked out. I do put quite a bit of energy to ensuring my blowjobs are visually appealing as well as enthusiastic and pleasurable, so I was kind of interested to see how that looked from the receiving end.
It was quite short (because, you know, trying to get to work), and we definitely can do better - I was a bit of a mess because I was just out of the shower and half-dressed, and it'd be good to work on the best angle. But FUCK I'm good. Honestly, I'm my own worst critic, but that was up there with really good porn. Lots of attention to detail, variation, obviously enthusiastic, and good aural effects as well.
He watched it twice after I'd gone ... and then while he was eating lunch, and a couple of other times later in the day.

 

[txgent101]

... like, SO much. But one little gem that happened the other weekend that really did surprise me.
The BF came and stayed the weekend ... quite a long weekend, from Thursday arvo until Monday morning (actually ended up being until Tuesday morning). As I was dressing for work on Monday morning and he was still in bed, he asked me to put his mouth on his cock 'just for a few seconds', and while we were bantering about that, he said 'I'd like to record you doing that one day' and I said 'like, now?' ... and yeah, like now it was.
Just to be clear, I really really hate having my photo taken. I'm used to having a video camera on me, because it's something that happens regularly as part of my job, but I hate watching the result. But I was really curious to see how this worked out. I do put quite a bit of energy to ensuring my blowjobs are visually appealing as well as enthusiastic and pleasurable, so I was kind of interested to see how that looked from the receiving end.
It was quite short (because, you know, trying to get to work), and we definitely can do better - I was a bit of a mess because I was just out of the shower and half-dressed, and it'd be good to work on the best angle. But FUCK I'm good. Honestly, I'm my own worst critic, but that was up there with really good porn. Lots of attention to detail, variation, obviously enthusiastic, and good aural effects as well.
He watched it twice after I'd gone ... and then while he was eating lunch, and a couple of other times later in the day.

Kim, in addition to your many fine qualities...you are a hoot! Meaning that it is great that you put actual fun! into your sexual play. Bravo!

 

[KimGordon67]

Kim, in addition to your many fine qualities...you are a hoot! Meaning that it is great that you put actual fun! into your sexual play. Bravo!

We actually laugh a lot. Even in the middle of the serious d/s stuff, if something odd happens, we both just crack up laughing. And sometimes we just laugh when we're fucking because we're happy and it's fun. It's really nice.

 

[KimGordon67]

Sometimes, we take a while to try something ... for some reason, that included rope. We HAD the rope for ages, it just never got utilised, until last weekend.
Also the first time I've been tied with my legs apart. That feeling of being that exposed is new. I think I like it. I like that he can see me when he's using his belt - really see me.
And we both like the rope marks on my skin afterwards.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Sometimes, we take a while to try something ... for some reason, that included rope. We HAD the rope for ages, it just never got utilised, until last weekend.
Also the first time I've been tied with my legs apart. That feeling of being that exposed is new. I think I like it. I like that he can see me when he's using his belt - really see me.
And we both like the rope marks on my skin afterwards.

Rope certainly has it's charms. Besides the sensation, the visual of it, and the art of it (while in the act of being tied) can be powerfully erotic. Ahh, the magic that is rope.

 

[KimGordon67]

Rope certainly has it's charms. Besides the sensation, the visual of it, and the art of it (while in the act of being tied) can be powerfully erotic. Ahh, the magic that is rope.

I'm gaining a significant appreciation for the importance of the visual aspect of things, and the feel of them. We're pretty much rejecting the collar we currently have because, while it's utterly functional, it just doesn't LOOK that good. It's weird how it's taken a while to get my head around that, given the type of porn I like, which is always about the aesthetics. I think somewhere in the depths of my mind I thought the 'nice' things are just for the pretty size 8 girls, and that people like me should be happy with 'functional'.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I'm gaining a significant appreciation for the importance of the visual aspect of things, and the feel of them. We're pretty much rejecting the collar we currently have because, while it's utterly functional, it just doesn't LOOK that good. It's weird how it's taken a while to get my head around that, given the type of porn I like, which is always about the aesthetics. I think somewhere in the depths of my mind I thought the 'nice' things are just for the pretty size 8 girls, and that people like me should be happy with 'functional'.

Aesthetics matter in all things.

Sometimes it is the "rough and functional" look that does it for someone - other times, their personal aesthetic is more nuanced. The key is to find the Goldilocks spot - the aesthetic that works for both of you. (My personal favorite just thinking back about it was a bright red web/mesh dog collar with a silver chain. It was just freaking hot on her, and I have to say the fact that is was an actual dog collar that we bought at the pet store had an impact as well.)

 

[KimGordon67]

Aesthetics matter in all things.

Sometimes it is the "rough and functional" look that does it for someone - other times, their personal aesthetic is more nuanced. The key is to find the Goldilocks spot - the aesthetic that works for both of you. (My personal favorite just thinking back about it was a bright red web/mesh dog collar with a silver chain. It was just freaking hot on her, and I have to say the fact that is was an actual dog collar that we bought at the pet store had an impact as well.)

We seem to be preferring the leather, wider version that's built for that specific purpose. I'm wondering if I'm going to grow the balls to ask the leatherworker in the town I live in (where we bought the BF's new belt) to make one to order ... we do have our third anniversary coming up, which, in the wedding anniversary calendar, is leather.

 

[Paul_Chance]

We seem to be preferring the leather, wider version that's built for that specific purpose. I'm wondering if I'm going to grow the balls to ask the leatherworker in the town I live in (where we bought the BF's new belt) to make one to order ... we do have our third anniversary coming up, which, in the wedding anniversary calendar, is leather.

Leatherwork is definitely an art. I'm sure if you gave him the dimensions and design, they would make it probably without a question. You could then try it on in front of them.

 

[KimGordon67]

Leatherwork is definitely an art. I'm sure if you gave him the dimensions and design, they would make it probably without a question. You could then try it on in front of them.

I could take some helpful pictures, maybe, of the sort of thing I like?

 

[Paul_Chance]

I could take some helpful pictures, maybe, of the sort of thing I like?

You could - also, you might be able to find what you're looking for somewhere on the internet for sale, or a discrete company that makes them to custom order. I am sure it's a function of California, but the local leather shop has a discrete booth full of bondage gear - I'd guess it's a good revenue stream - and I wouldn't be surprised if people into leatherwork weren't into leather as well.

 

[KimGordon67]

You could - also, you might be able to find what you're looking for somewhere on the internet for sale, or a discrete company that makes them to custom order. I am sure it's a function of California, but the local leather shop has a discrete booth full of bondage gear - I'd guess it's a good revenue stream - and I wouldn't be surprised if people into leatherwork weren't into leather as well.

We lack the critical mass for this sort of thing to be commonplace, and delivery from overseas sources always adds significant to the price. We are looking though, and have isolated a couple of options. It's the sort of thing that's tricky to buy online too - things often look great in photos but are actually a bit shit in real life. I need a recommendation ...

 

[Paul_Chance]

We lack the critical mass for this sort of thing to be commonplace, and delivery from overseas sources always adds significant to the price. We are looking though, and have isolated a couple of options. It's the sort of thing that's tricky to buy online too - things often look great in photos but are actually a bit shit in real life. I need a recommendation ...

How's the BF with hand work? I was glancing at a couple online and some of them are fairly straight-forward - leather, glue, rivets, a buckle and O rings. The whole act of creating a collar for a lover - a unique piece made by a lover - would be a turn on in itself.

 

[KimGordon67]

How's the BF with hand work? I was glancing at a couple online and some of them are fairly straight-forward - leather, glue, rivets, a buckle and O rings. The whole act of creating a collar for a lover - a unique piece made by a lover - would be a turn on in itself.

I'm pretty sure that's a project that wouldn't be completed. I like something like this. (Hopefully I'm working out how to embed an image ... )

https://pbs****img.com/media/Cw75GCHUoAA-SPU.jpg

(... but no. I give up. Sigh.)

 

[KimGordon67]

Something that's surprised me ...

... is how, in amongst everything, there are little things that I find strangely soothing.

Having my hands tied or cuffed together (and not behind me) - somehow makes me feel safe, which is ridiculously counter-intuitive, but there it is. So much so that I often ask him to leave them like that.

When he's belting my arse, the first few always hurt like fuck (and if he's going hard, they all hurt like fuck), but there's some tipping point where I sink into the pain rather than try to fight it, and that's when I stop flinching, and my head is clear, and I can push up into his belt instead of trying to get away from it. It doesn't last long ... eventually he finds the limit ... but it's a few moments of calm that I never would have expected.

 

[KimGordon67]

What happened to the non-monogamy?

I found myself wondering that the other day ... it was sparked by the BF deciding to move closer (for a range of reasons), and related discussions to how our relationship has shifted in some ways. We're a lot closer, a lot more emotionally involved, there's been a LOT of talking and arguing and working things out ... it's taken a LOT of energy and time and effort on both our parts, but we're in a good place at the moment, so we'll just see how things progress I guess. And that's made the sex better - the more close we are emotionally, the further down the rabbit hole we can go. It's a bit scarier too, but more ... I don't know. Interesting? That's not quite right ... satisfying? Intense? I can't really find the right word.

But in amongst all that, I suddenly said 'you know we're still not in a monogamous relationship, eh?'. A while back we'd agreed that I wouldn't tell him anything happened with anyone else unless it was having an impact on our relationship, although he would ask if he felt like he wanted to know, and if either of those things happened, we'd make a decision then as to how to handle things. That was a total flip from his earlier (obviously jealousy induced) demand that I let him know before anything happens with anyone, even if it's 2am - clearly a criteria he was setting up to make it impossible for me to actually do anything, but I just said 'OK, if that's what you think you want'. The situation never arose, so I have no idea if I actually would have done that - either way, I'm pretty sure he would have stormed off in a rage. And then our relationship improved, and he moved to not wanting to know about anything unless it had an impact ... but I think things have changed again. But interesting, it's all so academic, because nothing has happened. But I'm still adamant that 'monogamy' shouldn't be the expectation - I don't expect it from him and he shouldn't expect it from me.

I was wondering if the reason nothing's happened because I'm getting everything I want from him ... and maybe that's true. Although I'd say that my whole life has changed in ways that are making me happier - although I'm in a relationship, I'm also fundamentally single in important ways. All the decisions I made that aren't about my relationship with my BF (or about parenting) are mine alone to make. All the resources I have that aren't needed for parenting are mine alone, to do with what I want. So somehow I've ended up in this funny little sweet spot where I'm still parenting with my ex, and we're doing an excellent job of that, and I have a great emotional and sexual connection with the BF, and we have fun together, but my time and my life outside of those things are entirely my own. And I love it.

So I'm still guarding my non-monogamy, I think because it's a signifier for something beyond just that - it means I'm not 'trapped', not anyone's. I don't know ... I'm still working that out a bit.

 

[KimGordon67]

I found myself wondering that the other day ... it was sparked by the BF deciding to move closer (for a range of reasons), and related discussions to how our relationship has shifted in some ways. We're a lot closer, a lot more emotionally involved, there's been a LOT of talking and arguing and working things out ... it's taken a LOT of energy and time and effort on both our parts, but we're in a good place at the moment, so we'll just see how things progress I guess. And that's made the sex better - the more close we are emotionally, the further down the rabbit hole we can go. It's a bit scarier too, but more ... I don't know. Interesting? That's not quite right ... satisfying? Intense? I can't really find the right word.

But in amongst all that, I suddenly said 'you know we're still not in a monogamous relationship, eh?'. A while back we'd agreed that I wouldn't tell him anything happened with anyone else unless it was having an impact on our relationship, although he would ask if he felt like he wanted to know, and if either of those things happened, we'd make a decision then as to how to handle things. That was a total flip from his earlier (obviously jealousy induced) demand that I let him know before anything happens with anyone, even if it's 2am - clearly a criteria he was setting up to make it impossible for me to actually do anything, but I just said 'OK, if that's what you think you want'. The situation never arose, so I have no idea if I actually would have done that - either way, I'm pretty sure he would have stormed off in a rage. And then our relationship improved, and he moved to not wanting to know about anything unless it had an impact ... but I think things have changed again. But interesting, it's all so academic, because nothing has happened. But I'm still adamant that 'monogamy' shouldn't be the expectation - I don't expect it from him and he shouldn't expect it from me.

I was wondering if the reason nothing's happened because I'm getting everything I want from him ... and maybe that's true. Although I'd say that my whole life has changed in ways that are making me happier - although I'm in a relationship, I'm also fundamentally single in important ways. All the decisions I made that aren't about my relationship with my BF (or about parenting) are mine alone to make. All the resources I have that aren't needed for parenting are mine alone, to do with what I want. So somehow I've ended up in this funny little sweet spot where I'm still parenting with my ex, and we're doing an excellent job of that, and I have a great emotional and sexual connection with the BF, and we have fun together, but my time and my life outside of those things are entirely my own. And I love it.

So I'm still guarding my non-monogamy, I think because it's a signifier for something beyond just that - it means I'm not 'trapped', not anyone's. I don't know ... I'm still working that out a bit.

I've been thinking about this a bit more, and wondering if part of the thing is that, while I'm technically currently sexually monogamous, the ongoing relationship with my husband, which remains extremely close, means I have wandered, sort of unexpectedly, into actual polyamory, in that I love both him and the BF. I'm surprised, and extremely pleased, that the relationship with the ex has stayed so good - I'm literally typing this from the couch at his place where I'm being the parent-on-the ground while he's off celebrating the first part of his birthday with his new girlfriend, and then tomorrow we're have a birthday dinner with friends that I organised for him. We're both happy, we still have a supportive relationship, we're parenting together, but we have our own lives going on too ... really, the best of everything.

I never really expected this to be the path I ended up going down, but I'm pretty damn happy with it.

 

[KimGordon67]

Limits ...

... something me and the BF laugh about a bit. When we first started, we set out a range of limits, either in specific 'these are my limits' conversations, or just rambly chats about things we were and weren't into. It's kind of interesting how many of them got broken:
- pee (only him on me - apparently I get stage fright. After a lifetime of happily peeing with the toilet door open, NOW I get stage fright).
- having my tits slapped.
- face slapping - that goes both ways, and is one of the things that's genuinely surprised me.
- being called a 'good girl' ... again, I was pretty surprised when I suddenly wanted that, but it never really sat that well with me, and while it's no longer a 'limit' as such, it isn't really something I'm into.
- him being restrained, which he said he was totally and definitely NOT into ... except, apparently, when he is.
- anal penetration for him ... not really a 'limit' per se, but apparently other girls have tried it and it just hasn't really done much for him. Now he asks for it.
- and, most weirdly, having my stomach touched. I guess like a lot of women, especially my age, my stomach is not my favourite bit of myself. I hadn't realised how much I communicated that (not verbally, but obviously other ways), until he said a while back 'I wish you'd be OK about me touching your belly - I love all of you, and I hate having go around your stomach when I'm touching you'. It wasn't a command, or even really a request ... just a wish. But that was enough for me to decide I had to get over that.

I'm interested to see what else ends up in the 'maybe' or 'yes' basket after a while.

 

[Paul_Chance]

In The Yes or No Basket

It's always interesting to see what lands in the yes or no basket. I think we start out with limits and then cross them in the natural evolution of an affair. Surprising things end up in the yes basket and surprising things that end up in the no basket. I often don't see it so much as pushing limits as it's more of a natural evolution of limits and things become fluid.

 

[Paul_Chance]

What Happens to Non-Monagamy

As for the polyamory - that is a good description of how it actually works I think. Here, this being Lit and all, there's often a heavy sex focus. Out in the real world polyandry and non-monogamous relationships are still relationships and they develop along very natural lines.

I've often described non-monogamy not so much as constantly seeking out other partners to fuck, but rather leaving the door open to develop the relationships that naturally arise, as opposed to starting from a point of "the door is shut and locked". Then, actually being happy for our partners when those relationships aris.

Rather than having to suppress attraction and chemistry when it arises, by ignoring it or actively turning away from it, partners leave open the door to letting the chemistry flow to a natural conclusion, whether it is another long term deep relationship or a one night stand or something in between.

 

[KimGordon67]

As for the polyamory - that is a good description of how it actually works I think. Here, this being Lit and all, there's often a heavy sex focus. Out in the real world polyandry and non-monogamous relationships are still relationships and they develop along very natural lines.

I've often described non-monogamy not so much as constantly seeking out other partners to fuck, but rather leaving the door open to develop the relationships that naturally arise, as opposed to starting from a point of "the door is shut and locked". Then, actually being happy for our partners when those relationships aris.

Rather than having to suppress attraction and chemistry when it arises, by ignoring it or actively turning away from it, partners leave open the door to letting the chemistry flow to a natural conclusion, whether it is another long term deep relationship or a one night stand or something in between.

Yes, I think there's a lot to be said for recognising the variable nature of 'relationships'. People tend to latch onto the sex as the defining feature, because it's easy to identify I guess - 'love' is a little more slippery.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Yes, I think there's a lot to be said for recognising the variable nature of 'relationships'. People tend to latch onto the sex as the defining feature, because it's easy to identify I guess - 'love' is a little more slippery.

Yes, especially when you layer in commercial and cultural pressures, a working definition of love can be difficult to find.

Sex is an important part of a relationship, but it's only one of many other parts that have to work together to make a whole, even if the primary part of the relationship begins with sex and will end when the sex ends, there are still a lot of details.

I'm in a set of non-monogamous relationships right now - but they also include "I need someone to talk to meet me at the diner" and "hey, can you come help me pick up a couch today" aspects as well.

 

[KimGordon67]

Yes, especially when you layer in commercial and cultural pressures, a working definition of love can be difficult to find.

Sex is an important part of a relationship, but it's only one of many other parts that have to work together to make a whole, even if the primary part of the relationship begins with sex and will end when the sex ends, there are still a lot of details.

I'm in a set of non-monogamous relationships right now - but they also include "I need someone to talk to meet me at the diner" and "hey, can you come help me pick up a couch today" aspects as well.

I do wonder if me and my ex would be remaining so close if we weren't parents ... but at the same time, the fact that we can still be a family even if we're not technically a 'couple' makes me happy, and I think makes things better for the spawn. And we very actively chose to be parents, so it was definitely a central part of the relationship.

It's looking like I'm having everyone at my house for Christmas dinner ... so that'll be interesting.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I do wonder if me and my ex would be remaining so close if we weren't parents ... but at the same time, the fact that we can still be a family even if we're not technically a 'couple' makes me happy, and I think makes things better for the spawn. And we very actively chose to be parents, so it was definitely a central part of the relationship.

It's looking like I'm having everyone at my house for Christmas dinner ... so that'll be interesting.

That will be the true polyamorous moment. We you all can meet, be warm and embracing, knowing the relationships involved.

I think kids do effect the movement to an alternative relationship, especially the desire on the part of both parents to make the best life they can for their children.