Some poly, some kink, some other stuff ...

[KimGordon67]

So I've posted in various places (including a couple of specific threads I've started) about a few experiences I've had in the last year or so with extra marital sex, and (probably less), the actual sex. The purposes of the threads have sort of been served, but they did provoke some interesting conversations, and it struck me that I might have a go at putting it all together, for anyone who's interested in these sorts of things ... not the specifics, necessarily, but the broader canvas of human sexuality. This'll probably take something of the form of a story of how I ended up where I am now, and where that goes, but hopefully also provoke discussion around some of these things.

A bit of background. I'm 50. Very 'liberal' upraising around sex and most other things too. Very sexually active when young, although it was all pretty vanilla ... just LOTS of vanilla. I met my husband 17 years ago (when I'd pretty much given up on relationships) - he comes from a very conservative background, but we totally clicked. Lots and lots and lots of sex in the first few years, which tailed off after seven years or so, mostly because of me ... I still can't really put my finger on it, but I just sort of lost interest. There was no obvious reason - I wasn't menopausal, I hadn't had any surgery or illnesses, I still found my husband hugely attractive, but the prospect of sex just made me go 'meh'. When we DID have sex, I always enjoyed it, a lot, but somehow I still couldn't raise enough interest to do it again. Every other aspect of our marriage was brilliant, we still really loved each other and were physically affectionate, but just no sex and I definitely knew this wasn't good ...

TBC

 

[KimGordon67]

After some years of this, I started a new job, and an ex-colleague from my previous workplace and I started chatting on Facebook. He'd always flirted with me a lot, but he flirted with everyone - it was just his MO - and I always laughed it off like everyone did. Other than that, we got on really well, so it was entirely normal for us to continue communicating when we stopped working together. But the messages got more and more flirty, and I found myself responding to this a bit more positively. After a while, he suggested I open a 'fake' email account so we could chat outside of our 'real' lives (he was always a bit paranoid about getting caught out) and we progressed from that pretty quickly into cybering ... which was awesome. He was pretty good with words and obviously had an active imagination. Like anyone who starts out doing that sort of thing, it all seemed a bit unlikely to me at first, but then I realised the potential. Most of our communication was when we were both at work ... but we started arriving at our respective jobs VERY early, or otherwise working VERY late.
Two things seemed slightly odd to me at the time - I didn't feel guilty about this at all, and I was suddenly interested in sex again, in a more general sense, but also with my husband. Not as a substitute for what I wasn't getting from this other guy - I just liked having sex again. Looking back on it now, six years later, I wonder if that was a first indication that I am fundamentally polyamorous, that I"m happiest with I'm having some sort of relationship with more than one person. None of this was diminishing my love for my husband - in fact, if anything, the fact that we resumed having sex made other aspects our marriage better. However, I never told my husband about any of this - he just assumed I'd gotten over whatever the problem was (and given that neither of us worked out why I mysteriously went off sex, suddenly wanting it again didn't really seem to need explanation either). I wonder if I should have said something to him, but it just never felt 'wrong', and I knew trying to explain the whole cyber thing to him would have been difficult, and also he knew the guy involved, so that would have been awkward as well. And everyone was happy.

But that was far from the end of things ...

 

[bill3901]

It does sound like this colleague did kick start your sex drive. Nothing wrong with that , its almost the same as any kind of porn or even erotic thoughts.

How would your husband react if you told him about the cybering?

 

[KimGordon67]

It does sound like this colleague did kick start your sex drive. Nothing wrong with that , its almost the same as any kind of porn or even erotic thoughts.

How would your husband react if you told him about the cybering?

Well, part of the answer to that will turn up later ... but at a general level, I don't think he would 'get' it at all - it's one of those things that if you've never done it yourself, it's difficult to understand how that might work, and he'd be likely to see it as a bit silly. I suppose that's part of the reason I never felt that guilty about it - I knew he wouldn't see it as 'real', and I was pretty confident that if he did find out, he wouldn't be annoyed or hurt to the extent of stopping loving me or leaving me.

 

[RacyWilde]

*

Great stuff! Eagerly waiting for more of the story.

 

[HisGreedySlut]

Also very interested hear the rest! I've recently had quite strong desires to indulge outside of monogamy, and curious how you managed it all and what the ramifications were.

Thanks for sharing!

 

[Farawyn]

More please, Kim!
*subscribed

 

[KimGordon67]

So just to round off things with the ex-colleague ... we cybered for, I guess, a few months, but eventually we met up, which was sort of inevitable given that we were in the same city. Twice I found reasons to be back at my old workplace ... and in his office. We fooled around (in a 'I came, but he didn't' sort of sense), but it all stayed pretty low-key, for sort of confusing reasons. I realised the first time I kissed him that I really didn't want to have sex with him, that it wouldn't actually be very good - although he talked a good game, I could just tell from that that he wouldn't follow through in reality. Luckily he didn't push the point because the reality of the situation racked him with guilt - he had what I guess is a fairly common conflict in that he desperately wanted to have sex with someone other than his wife, but the reality of doing it made him feel terrible. He's still like that five or six years later. So things sort of petered out with him after that - we stayed friends, and he's one of the few people I confide in about aspects of my extra-marital relations, but I'll never go back there.

However, very bizarrely and totally NOT instigated by me, not long after things had started with the ex-colleague, I started getting very flirty messages on Facebook from another friend - the Scottish boy ...

 

[KimGordon67]

The Scottish boy was someone I knew already too. Friend of friends who lived on the other side of the world. We'd met once at a wedding some years previously - we didn't talk a great deal, but I was super attracted to him. We ended up friends on Facebook, and then one day, completely out the blue, he sent me a message - it was maybe just 'xxxx' or something like that. I just laughed and said something like 'you seem to have messaged the wrong person' ... and he said 'no, totally meant you'. This was a slightly odd situation, because he has an international reputation for joking around, and often in quite elaborate ways, so for a long time I assumed he was just pulling my leg (I'm not sure if that translates?). I tried to maintain a balance of flirting, just being friendly, and being aware that there was a good chance he had half a dozen mates reading everything we wrote. Eventually though, he convinced me he was for real ... and so we started fooling around too ... and after a sustained campaign on his part, he finally convinced me into using webcams as well. There was some hilarious incidents - the best, I think, was he'd gone to visit his mother (who lived a good day's drive away) but she wasn't in the house - maybe she was in hospital? - so we were fooling around on cam, completely naked and fully engaged, and then suddenly he said 'oh fuck' (except you have to imagine it in a gorgeous Scottish accent) and the screen went blank. Turns out his brother was walking through the door with a box of beer.
I never used a camera with anyone else, but with him it was perfect. There was something about having someone that focused that was incredibly sexy, and I started paying a bit more attention to my body, which I'd ignored for quite a while ... nothing major, but I started getting waxed, which I loved - and which my husband loved too. Our sex life was just getting better and better - not only more, but we started pushing things a little in ways we hadn't before. Not in major ways, just little things like buying a vibrator (and no, I'd never owned one before). Again, it wasn't that I was getting anything that I 'needed' from someone else - there was just something about the difference of other people that worked for me.

TBC.

 

[blksoldier]

hooked

anxiously waiting to hear the rest of this story, and how it is effecting your marriage presently.

 

[Imaverycuriousguy]

Love the story

Looking forward to reading more!

 

[KimGordon67]

Thanks all. It is quite a long story but I'm enjoying revisiting all these things. We'll get to the current situation eventually...

 

[mark_j]

Looks to me that from your OP that you were simply bored...

 

[curiouschattycouple]

Good read - looking forward to more...

 

[KimGordon67]

Looks to me that from your OP that you were simply bored...

I can see that, but I don't think that's it ... where I've ended up tends to suggest things are ... well, not more complex, but not readily attributed to boredom. I don't think I've ever found my husband 'boring'.

 

[KimGordon67]

The Scottish boy ... that went on for a surprisingly long time, more than four years in the end. He moved country to be with his girlfriend, they had a baby, etc etc, and at every point like that I thought 'well, that'll be the end of that' ... but it wasn't. And yet over all that time, it never really changed either - we liked each a lot, obviously, but it never developed into anything more, in part I guess because our contact was a bit sporadic (time zones were problematic and we both had very busy work/home schedules). Eventually I managed to find a way to get there, on the back of a work-related trip ... so that was interesting. This was the only time I'd ever really wanted to meet anyone in real life (and over that four years there were quite a few online encounters - more about that later), and he was extremely keen as well. So I got myself to the literal other side of the world ... and somehow, the week before I left home for the trip, some sort of disaster happened (I never really found out what), and the meeting-up never happened. I kind of knew this was on the cards ... prior experience had obviously taught me that what people say they want in hypothetical conversations often doesn't pan out when they're faced with the reality of the situation. He swears that it was circumstances that prevented him from seeing me, but I'm still pretty sceptical about that - I was mere miles away, and I really do think that if he'd wanted to see me, he would have found a way to make it happen.
And ultimately it broke my heart a tiny bit. Not just that we didn't meet, but also how he handled that. When I got home, he obviously expected normal services to resume, but I couldn't - things had shifted somehow. We still talk every now and then, and it's often flirty and/or a bit smutty, but I can't manifest any real desire for him now. No doubt we'll end up in the same place at the same time at some point in the future, so it'll be interesting to see what happens then.

But, over that four or five years, a lot of other things happened ...

 

[whenagain]

Love this thread.

 

[KimGordon67]

... and so, wind things back to when all this first happened, and I discovered the awesome world of virtual sex. At the time, this seemed like the perfect way to indulge my non-monogamy without doing anything 'real', and for me that wasn't (and really still isn't) 'cheating'. I still didn't tell my husband about any of this, still in part because it would be so difficult to explain, and in part because I knew he wouldn't be happy about it ... but it wasn't have any negative impact on our relationship, in fact the opposite as the sex got better and things generally became happier.

[Now I sort of wish I'd approach that a little differently - had I known then what I know now, he may have been more accepting that I'd expected ... but so much water has gone under the bridge, it would be tricky to explain it all to him - getting five or six year's worth of this sort of thing in one hit would be a little overwhelming. So I've decided to keep all that in the 'no need to know' drawer.]

... and I went a bit wild. Having had encounters with the ex-colleague, and the Scottish boy, I thought 'surely other people must do this sort of thing', and googled something relevant, and discovered the slightly weird world of online adult chat rooms. That instigate a LOT of fairly indiscriminate online sex - never any cams or phone or anything like that, nor even photo exchanges, just chat. Lots of chat. I'm pretty adept with a keyboard, which was a bonus in that environment ... and yes, 95% of the guys were total sleazes, but every now and then I'd find someone I got on with, someone interesting, someone who was able to maintain a conversation for more than the three minutes it took for him to get off. And a few longer term and fun ... and some really interesting ... things developed from those chance exchanges of 'M 44 how are you?' messages ...

 

[KimGordon67]

Some particularly memorable connections ...

Irish bass player guy ... extremely adept with words. We only ever cybered, and once I corrected a spelling/grammatical error at a particularly crucial moment, and got soundly (and justifiably) told off. Apparently the throes of virtual coitus is not the place to worry about such things, and he really did have a point. He referred to my verbal rendition of oral sex as the 'best virtual blow job ... and almost the best blow job at all ... that he'd ever had' - I think it was a go-to memory when he needed some inspiration for quite a while. I never got to hear his accent - we always meant to Skype, but before it happened he was suddenly wracked with (I think Catholic) guilt and terminated contact fairly abruptly. I was sad ... still miss him a bit.

Adorable pilot guy ... around my age, we like a lot of the same music, and he's such a laugh. Extremely happily married to a wife he adores, but spent a lot of time on the road (well, in the air, but you get my drift), and used to message me from extremely obscure towns. We always flirted like mad, but somehow would end up in long involved conversation about ... well, all sorts of things really ... and the sex would fall by the wayside until it was ridiculously late and one or the other of us had to go to bed. We're still in touch every now and then, but he's not travelling so much, so it's increasingly difficult to connect. Such a lovely guy.

NY steel worker guy ... 45, gorgeous, we got on like a house on fire, and the (always only cyber) sex was brilliant ... but an odd series of things should have set off alarm bells. He couldn't send me a photo because he lost his camera; we couldn't voice-chat on Skype because he was using an old laptop with no mic; eventually he let a couple of things slip that didn't add up, and I somehow found his Facebook profile ... and ... well yeah ... it had been a while since he was 45. A really LONG while. I did let him know I knew, and he was incredibly apologetic - he was lonely, and he (quite rightly) suspected that if he'd been honest about his age, I probably wouldn't have talked to him. That was tricky ... in the end I felt bad that the age thing mattered so much, because obviously we were hugely compatible in so many other respects, but the age DID matter. I still feel badly about that ... not all catfishes have venal motives.

Importantly, while these short synopsis's might sound a bit flippant, I was really fond of all these guys, and I'm pretty sure they were fond of me too (and still are in a couple of cases). And equally importantly, during that time, my fondness for them in no way detracted from my love for my husband, nor took anything away from him or our marriage or our family ... I guess there were times I was maybe a little distracted, but no more so than he was by significant sporting fixtures, and I guess I wasn't paying quite enough attention to work sometimes ... but that was work, not 'real life'.

And then there's a couple more that warrant fuller retellings ...

 

[KimGordon67]

Hiatus

I'm taking a bit of a break from this while I sort out some real life stuff. I will come back to it though.

 

[whenagain]

I'm taking a bit of a break from this while I sort out some real life stuff. I will come back to it though.

Good luck w the real life stuff. Come back soon.

 

[KimGordon67]

One of my favourite online friends was a younger guy - he somehow slipped through the net and beguiled me before I got around to working out his actual age. However, he was just so awesome I couldn't bring myself to enforce the rule ... we fooled around online for a year, maybe more, and were in contact most days. I loved his openess, the ease with which we talked about anything, but also nothing - at the end of it, we really barely knew anything about each other, but also had told each other things that I certainly wouldn't repeat elsewhere. And he was SO game ... anything I suggested (within some mutually agreed upon boundaries) was open for trying out. He was also a little bit bi, which suited me well. We chatted through scenarios involving other guys ... in fact, we managed to orchestrate an online version of an MMF with another 'friend' ... that was interesting and extremely difficult to manage. We played around with me having a cock and fucking him more than once. Nothing ever really moved into the BDSM area, but it could have if we'd wanted too - we just didn't seem to work like that together. He would chat with me while he was in a bar with his friends, while he was on the train, while he was at work ... knowing that he was in public places, hard and 'doing' all sorts of things 'with' me was so much fun. One of my favourite moments was in the middle of a play session, I suddenly started describing in great detail peeing on him while having sex ... I knew this was something he fantasised about, even though it does little for me, and just afterwards he told me he'd taken a break from masturbating in that moment, but when he read what I was describing, he just came instantly, with no physical contact. We would talk about girls he was seeing, and guys I was fooling around with online, and there was never any jealousy - it was all just interesting. He was an amazingly descriptive lover - he could spend ten minutes explaining the smallest act, so that I knew exactly what it would feel like. We tried talking/camming a couple of times, but for some reason it just failed - text-based chat was the best medium, although I'd sometimes send him photos or audio recordings, which he always loved. At various points one or the other got a bit too emotionally attached, and pulled back a bit, but in the end we just kind of ran out of things to 'do', and it all finished quite naturally. We're still friends and catch up every now and then ... I really credit him with opening out my world sexually, just because anything and everything was up for discussion and maybe trying out - there was no judgement and we were totally honest and it was completely safe. Everyone entering the world of online sex should be lucky enough to find someone like that fairly early on.

 

[Justfantasies]

I think that more than would care to admit are fundamentally polyamorous. Almost all of my relationships, since I was in my 20s have been like that. When I have been with someone who isn't open to other men, I have encouraged them to try it out. (or alternatively, I have excited myself by fantasizing that they were "cheating" on me.)

One lover of mine had spent her 20s and 30s in a community where she was fucked regularly by numerous guys as well as her husband. When I was with her she had two other lovers.

 

[KimGordon67]

I think that more than would care to admit are fundamentally polyamorous. Almost all of my relationships, since I was in my 20s have been like that. When I have been with someone who isn't open to other men, I have encouraged them to try it out. (or alternatively, I have excited myself by fantasizing that they were "cheating" on me.)

One lover of mine had spent her 20s and 30s in a community where she was fucked regularly by numerous guys as well as her husband. When I was with her she had two other lovers.

I think it's extremely difficult to get around the discourse of monogamy, and the fact that so many societies that practice forms of non-monogamy do it so badly doesn't help. There's a level of honesty (to oneself and others) involved that I suspect is problematic too. I've certainly been less than stellar in this regard - were I to have the chance to relive this story knowing what I know now, it would be quite different. It's just taken me a long while to work out what's actually been going on, and to attempt to rectify mistakes I've made in the past at this point would involve needless hurt. I'm trying to be better about that now though.

 

[Justfantasies]

I think it's extremely difficult to get around the discourse of monogamy, and the fact that so many societies that practice forms of non-monogamy do it so badly doesn't help. There's a level of honesty (to oneself and others) involved that I suspect is problematic too. I've certainly been less than stellar in this regard - were I to have the chance to relive this story knowing what I know now, it would be quite different. It's just taken me a long while to work out what's actually been going on, and to attempt to rectify mistakes I've made in the past at this point would involve needless hurt. I'm trying to be better about that now though.

I guess all relationships are a work in progress and non-monogamous ones are especially experimental. Jealousy is always a danger, but personally I was never cursed with that and it has always excited me to hear about by partners' adventures.

For those who are not into polyamory, it is a slow learning process, which can be encouraged by occasionally letting the partner know how much fun it is -- making it seem fun seems to be important in having them take those first few steps.

But in our monogamous environment, it is not something one talks about outside of a small circle of friends.