Some poly, some kink, some other stuff ...

[MrRetro]

It's been a while since I've really posted in here ... there's been a lot of stuff going on, most of which is super important, but not really of much interest to anyone outside my relationship with my BF.
But something that happened last week was that I had an epiphany. I realised that my marriage 'officially' ended nearly a year ago, but I'm still not actually living the life I wanted to have, and that really I've effectively just traded up my marriage, with all it's attendant pro's and cons, for the relationship I'm in now, with all it's attendant pro's and cons ... but that's been it. There's a lot of reasons for that, but they kind of boil down to not wanting to hurt him ... but I realised that I was still, on some level, not entirely happy, and that I couldn't stay like that in the interests of not hurting him. Being non-monogamous IS the life I want, and ultimately he can either be part of that life, or not.

So I'm going to again post an ad in the local dating site, but this time I'm actually going to date guys ... well, if any are interested.

So, now a bit of market research. I've written dating site ads in the past, so I know how these things go, but I'm interested if anyone has any advice, along the lines of 'it's really useful to know this' or 'saying something like this tends to put off people you might otherwise find interesting'. I'm going to try and draft something later on today ...

Being non monogamous is something you either really ‘get’, or really don’t.. Hopefully your BF will see the intense beauty in it and yearn to be a part of it..

As for the ad, just be honest..

 

[MrRetro]

Realising that you don't have the jealousy gene is an interesting thing. It's difficult, because I would be sad ... well, probably extremely upset, more than 'sad' ... if my BF left me for someone else. But most of that would be about the 'left me' bit - I'd feel much the same if he left me for whatever reason. Of course, there is also the 'he found someone better than me' issue, which I'm sure I would think ... although, depending on how it happened, I could also see that I might just be glad that he was happy.
But if he was seeing someone and just kept loving me the same, I'd be OK. Because he's still loving me.
I just don't think jealousy is a very useful emotion.

The jealousy gene must be widespread since summer many people discuss it.. Though I do question if it’s actually jealousy one feels.. I’ve experienced betrayal and the break down of trust and this isn’t something I enjoy in the slightest.. But jealousy outright, I’m not sure I truly understand the concept and I totally agree with you KG, it is an emotion with no positive usefulness..

 

[Richard_C]

Realising that you don't have the jealousy gene is an interesting thing. It's difficult, because I would be sad ... well, probably extremely upset, more than 'sad' ... if my BF left me for someone else. But most of that would be about the 'left me' bit - I'd feel much the same if he left me for whatever reason. Of course, there is also the 'he found someone better than me' issue, which I'm sure I would think ... although, depending on how it happened, I could also see that I might just be glad that he was happy.
But if he was seeing someone and just kept loving me the same, I'd be OK. Because he's still loving me.
I just don't think jealousy is a very useful emotion.

Yes, there is a difference in I’m sad because the person I love doesn’t love me anymore, and I’m upset because the person I love is getting attention from someone else.

I think I’m built for a non-monogamous relationship. I would encourage someone I’m with to explore, have fun and make connections. As long as she still likes me, good gravy!!

 

[Justfantasies]

Yes, there is a difference in I’m sad because the person I love doesn’t love me anymore, and I’m upset because the person I love is getting attention from someone else.

I think I’m built for a non-monogamous relationship. I would encourage someone I’m with to explore, have fun and make connections. As long as she still likes me, good gravy!!

looking back, I think I am also built for non monogamy and I am so thankful for it

 

[AnnieLit]

Read first 20 posts of this thread so far... Aside from me not being able to master English grammar, I still think we are long lost twins. I wonder, at what point we do part our ways.

 

[Yuna87]

So I've posted in various places (including a couple of specific threads I've started) about a few experiences I've had in the last year or so with extra marital sex, and (probably less), the actual sex. The purposes of the threads have sort of been served, but they did provoke some interesting conversations, and it struck me that I might have a go at putting it all together, for anyone who's interested in these sorts of things ... not the specifics, necessarily, but the broader canvas of human sexuality. This'll probably take something of the form of a story of how I ended up where I am now, and where that goes, but hopefully also provoke discussion around some of these things.

A bit of background. I'm 50. Very 'liberal' upraising around sex and most other things too. Very sexually active when young, although it was all pretty vanilla ... just LOTS of vanilla. I met my husband 17 years ago (when I'd pretty much given up on relationships) - he comes from a very conservative background, but we totally clicked. Lots and lots and lots of sex in the first few years, which tailed off after seven years or so, mostly because of me ... I still can't really put my finger on it, but I just sort of lost interest. There was no obvious reason - I wasn't menopausal, I hadn't had any surgery or illnesses, I still found my husband hugely attractive, but the prospect of sex just made me go 'meh'. When we DID have sex, I always enjoyed it, a lot, but somehow I still couldn't raise enough interest to do it again. Every other aspect of our marriage was brilliant, we still really loved each other and were physically affectionate, but just no sex and I definitely knew this wasn't good ...

TBC

For me I think in one sense we tend to try and fight human nature sometimes and how we view marriage is one of them. We tend to tie marriage and sex together as one and say that you pick one person to be in love with and that is also the one person you should be having sex with. I think this is wrong. Now that is not me hating on marriage, love or being monogamous. Just that we might be doing it wrong.

First with love. I think most everyone will agree there are different types of love and how we love people. Our spouses and family get one type of love that is what we traditionally label as love but we can love other people in different manners and I don't think that's a bad thing. I am married and there are other men I tell I love them and my husband knows them and has heard me say it to them. These are men that have been in my life for years and we're close. Some I've had sex with and some I haven't. It's not the same love I have for my husband and he knows that so he's not threatened by it.

Sex. Now this is the big one but I think people in general are getting better about it. Why does sex have to be the big taboo, we can't talk about it, lock the doors and kill the lights subject? We're all sexual beings and it's enjoyable. Plus we all have different likes and dislikes. I think of sex more like food and you can love tacos and enjoy tacos but after having tacos a lot you're not really looking forward to more tacos. You still like tacos but when a steak comes along it looks really good. So why not just be open and honest with someone you love and both be able to enjoy all of the food groups?

My third little rant is with coworkers. Let's face it most of us working 40 or more hours a week are spending more time with our coworkers awake than with our families. It is only logical that feelings, friendships and bonds would be formed in those environments and yeah sex and flings happen.

 

[Justfantasies]

For me I think in one sense we tend to try and fight human nature sometimes and how we view marriage is one of them. We tend to tie marriage and sex together as one and say that you pick one person to be in love with and that is also the one person you should be having sex with. I think this is wrong. Now that is not me hating on marriage, love or being monogamous. Just that we might be doing it wrong.

First with love. I think most everyone will agree there are different types of love and how we love people. Our spouses and family get one type of love that is what we traditionally label as love but we can love other people in different manners and I don't think that's a bad thing. I am married and there are other men I tell I love them and my husband knows them and has heard me say it to them. These are men that have been in my life for years and we're close. Some I've had sex with and some I haven't. It's not the same love I have for my husband and he knows that so he's not threatened by it.

Sex. Now this is the big one but I think people in general are getting better about it. Why does sex have to be the big taboo, we can't talk about it, lock the doors and kill the lights subject? We're all sexual beings and it's enjoyable. Plus we all have different likes and dislikes. I think of sex more like food and you can love tacos and enjoy tacos but after having tacos a lot you're not really looking forward to more tacos. You still like tacos but when a steak comes along it looks really good. So why not just be open and honest with someone you love and both be able to enjoy all of the food groups?

My third little rant is with coworkers. Let's face it most of us working 40 or more hours a week are spending more time with our coworkers awake than with our families. It is only logical that feelings, friendships and bonds would be formed in those environments and yeah sex and flings happen.

Sex with coworkers is inevitable and should probably be treated casually, but we are a long way from that happening. In fact, paradoxically, the rules have become stricter since the "sexual revolution."

Maybe tacos isn't the best metaphor for sex

 

[Jerseyboy52]

Sex with coworkers is inevitable and should probably be treated casually, but we are a long way from that happening. In fact, paradoxically, the rules have become stricter since the "sexual revolution."

Maybe tacos isn't the best metaphor for sex

As you know my wife has sex with her boss, which is all cool with me.

 

[Yuna87]

Sex with coworkers is inevitable and should probably be treated casually, but we are a long way from that happening. In fact, paradoxically, the rules have become stricter since the "sexual revolution."

Maybe tacos isn't the best metaphor for sex

Well sex in general should be consider a somewhat casual act but maybe that is just my opinion. It has become stricter because somehow we find ourselves being offended by everything under the sun anymore. I guess I could do what the radio does and call it doing laundry.

 

[Jerseyboy52]

My wife

My wife's boss sent me an hour long video of them having sex. Super hot. Amazing to see what she does and allows when she's with someone else. She didn't know she was on camera....Lol

 

[Justfantasies]

Well sex in general should be consider a somewhat casual act but maybe that is just my opinion. It has become stricter because somehow we find ourselves being offended by everything under the sun anymore. I guess I could do what the radio does and call it doing laundry.

Completely agree. I think being relaxed about sex is the future. It’s just a little more in the future than I once thought. And then there’s that jealousy thing

 

[Yuna87]

Completely agree. I think being relaxed about sex is the future. It’s just a little more in the future than I once thought. And then there’s that jealousy thing

Oh yeah that ugly bastard lol. I think jealousy comes more if you don't trust the person you're with. Once you trust them, and know that they love you, are coming home to you and the outside sex is casual I think it becomes easier to let go.

 

[Justfantasies]

Oh yeah that ugly bastard lol. I think jealousy comes more if you don't trust the person you're with. Once you trust them, and know that they love you, are coming home to you and the outside sex is casual I think it becomes easier to let go.

Partly true, but some people seem to have jealousy cemented in and can’t give it up. I have always been more inquisitive than jealous, so interested in what my partners have been up to

 

[Jerseyboy52]

Partly true, but some people seem to have jealousy cemented in and can’t give it up. I have always been more inquisitive than jealous, so interested in what my partners have been up to

Totally agree. I'm more interested to hear what makes her lovers so good....Lol

 

[Yuna87]

Partly true, but some people seem to have jealousy cemented in and can’t give it up. I have always been more inquisitive than jealous, so interested in what my partners have been up to

I agree and that's why there is no one fits all solution. So maybe just work towards not judging others on their sexual lifestyle as a big first step.

 

[Justfantasies]

I agree and that's why there is no one fits all solution. So maybe just work towards not judging others on their sexual lifestyle as a big first step.

That would be a very good start

 

[KimGordon67]

Partly true, but some people seem to have jealousy cemented in and can’t give it up. I have always been more inquisitive than jealous, so interested in what my partners have been up to

The jealousy thing is interesting - it isn't something I seem to be wired for either. I had an interesting conversation with someone just recently about the group sex he'd had with his ex - he said he thought, going in, that he'd be jealous seeing her with another person, but that ultimately he was 'proud' of the effect that she had on other people. (I'm not sure if 'proud' is the right word for what he really felt, but it's difficult to think of another one.) I thought that was quite sweet.

 

[Justfantasies]

The jealousy thing is interesting - it isn't something I seem to be wired for either. I had an interesting conversation with someone just recently about the group sex he'd had with his ex - he said he thought, going in, that he'd be jealous seeing her with another person, but that ultimately he was 'proud' of the effect that she had on other people. (I'm not sure if 'proud' is the right word for what he really felt, but it's difficult to think of another one.) I thought that was quite sweet.

I know exactly what you mean, having felt that “pride” too

 

[Yuna87]

The jealousy thing is interesting - it isn't something I seem to be wired for either. I had an interesting conversation with someone just recently about the group sex he'd had with his ex - he said he thought, going in, that he'd be jealous seeing her with another person, but that ultimately he was 'proud' of the effect that she had on other people. (I'm not sure if 'proud' is the right word for what he really felt, but it's difficult to think of another one.) I thought that was quite sweet.

That is a hard first step to break that a lot of people don't consider when doing anything along the lines of another person having sex with a spouse or partner. I think it becomes a hot bedroom play idea and fantasy but when people see it actually happening it can be very overwhelming and emotional. Props to your friend for being able to contain it and in the end enjoy the situation.

 

[Justfantasies]

That is a hard first step to break that a lot of people don't consider when doing anything along the lines of another person having sex with a spouse or partner. I think it becomes a hot bedroom play idea and fantasy but when people see it actually happening it can be very overwhelming and emotional. Props to your friend for being able to contain it and in the end enjoy the situation.

For me, hearing about a wife/gf's entanglements is always intriguing. Not jealous-making at all

 

[AnnieLit]

D side

Although I'm still trying to wrap my head around what the 'd' side of the d/s equation gets out of it ... if anyone can shed any light on that, please do.

Obviously I am late to the party, but here is my take on it: I get high on the power to give pleasure. Pleasure far beyond what he can get on his own, far beyond what he thought was possible.

Trust...It's needed, of course, but you can have a lot of trust in a total vanilla relationship as well, it is not unique to BDSM. So to me trust is a given.

And then there is the control... absolute and total control of that pleasure. You are holding a key in your hand and you both know that the gates will be opened. Eventually. But for now it is up to you when and how this will happen.

Hm... a bit too poetic for my liking, but I don't know how else to describe it.

 

[MrRetro]

Obviously I am late to the party, but here is my take on it: I get high on the power to give pleasure. Pleasure far beyond what he can get on his own, far beyond what he thought was possible.

Trust...It's needed, of course, but you can have a lot of trust in a total vanilla relationship as well, it is not unique to BDSM. So to me trust is a given.

And then there is the control... absolute and total control of that pleasure. You are holding a key in your hand and you both know that the gates will be opened. Eventually. But for now it is up to you when and how this will happen.

Hm... a bit too poetic for my liking, but I don't know how else to describe it.

Nicely put Annie..

Trust is absolute, it is black and white.. Without it the magic is lost..

Having her have complete control, especially when she desires another, is not only exquisite, it’s a sexually primal instinct.. I’m not sure many women understand just how arousing and pleasurable this can be for some of us men..

 

[KimGordon67]

So here's a thing I've been struggling with for a while ... a while back - I can't even remember how or when it happened - my in-charge guy said 'good girl' to me at a particularly pivotal moment during sex ... I might have even asked him to, I honestly can't remember.
It seems so innocuous, doesn't it? But I honestly am so conflicted about this ... sometimes I crave him saying that to me more than anything else, and if he does it at the right moment, I'll cum instantly. But then I also hate it, because it makes me feel ... I don't know. Childlike? But I think there's something else going on there too ... I hate to even write this out loud, but unresolved father issues.

Sigh.

Thoughts on a postcard please.

 

[AnnieLit]

So here's a thing I've been struggling with for a while ... a while back - I can't even remember how or when it happened - my in-charge guy said 'good girl' to me at a particularly pivotal moment during sex ... I might have even asked him to, I honestly can't remember.
It seems so innocuous, doesn't it? But I honestly am so conflicted about this ... sometimes I crave him saying that to me more than anything else, and if he does it at the right moment, I'll cum instantly. But then I also hate it, because it makes me feel ... I don't know. Childlike? But I think there's something else going on there too ... I hate to even write this out loud, but unresolved father issues.

Sigh.

Thoughts on a postcard please.

We all want to be somebody's "little girls" at least once in a while. It might have something to do with father issues or it might not, but "good girls" are carefree and protected, it is a good feeling all around no matter what.

 

[PWilton]

So here's a thing I've been struggling with for a while ... a while back - I can't even remember how or when it happened - my in-charge guy said 'good girl' to me at a particularly pivotal moment during sex ... I might have even asked him to, I honestly can't remember.
It seems so innocuous, doesn't it? But I honestly am so conflicted about this ... sometimes I crave him saying that to me more than anything else, and if he does it at the right moment, I'll cum instantly. But then I also hate it, because it makes me feel ... I don't know. Childlike? But I think there's something else going on there too ... I hate to even write this out loud, but unresolved father issues.
Sigh.
Thoughts on a postcard please.

Kim, I have been in several Lit Chat or P.M. interchanges with much younger women. Several have either directly or indirectly wanted to, or did, call me Daddy. And wanted me to be that role to her as a young woman. This was surprising to me (although I am quite old enough to fit that role). I went along with that a couple of times, but of late have declined as it began to feel out-of-place for me. But the (shall I say) impetus is definitely there for some women.