Some poly, some kink, some other stuff ...

[KimGordon67]

With dating sites, it is obviously a question of having sex with a few frogs before you fuck your prince. However, polyamory is more of a problem, since we men can be very possessive and are easily made jealous so it is a multi-dimensional problem -- finding the right guy who doesn't find you enjoying yourself with other guys hard to take.

If your existing guy friend can be trained to accept you having other friends too that would be a great solution. But it may not be possible

I would never suggest that I can 'train' my BF in any shape or form. We've been struggling with this since forever, really - he seemed to think when my marriage ended that I'd just be monogamous with him, but I very quickly explained that wasn't going to be happening. It's been an ongoing issue, as he's quite a monogamous person. I'm quite torn, because I really don't want to lose him ... but I've finally gotten to the point that I've realised I just have to take that risk, otherwise this relationship just becomes a repeat of my marriage, and I very much don't want that - on a number of fronts, but monogamy is probably the biggest of them.
I'm not really sure whether I'm just wanting an 'open relationship' or actual polyamory, which I guess is why I use the somewhat vaguer 'non-monogamy' term. I think if I met someone I liked, it would be nice to have another, less committed 'thing' alongside my primary relationship, with someone who had interests different from my BF's. But whether that happens, or is possible, remains to be seen.

 

[Justfantasies]

I would never suggest that I can 'train' my BF in any shape or form. We've been struggling with this since forever, really - he seemed to think when my marriage ended that I'd just be monogamous with him, but I very quickly explained that wasn't going to be happening. It's been an ongoing issue, as he's quite a monogamous person. I'm quite torn, because I really don't want to lose him ... but I've finally gotten to the point that I've realised I just have to take that risk, otherwise this relationship just becomes a repeat of my marriage, and I very much don't want that - on a number of fronts, but monogamy is probably the biggest of them.
I'm not really sure whether I'm just wanting an 'open relationship' or actual polyamory, which I guess is why I use the somewhat vaguer 'non-monogamy' term. I think if I met someone I liked, it would be nice to have another, less committed 'thing' alongside my primary relationship, with someone who had interests different from my BF's. But whether that happens, or is possible, remains to be seen.

For some reason I have had open relationships almost since I started to date, it's just not a big deal to me and I suppose I choose and am chosen in part because of openness to openness as it were. Some people are close to being open and can be trained (bad word really), but some can never accept that sort of life style.

I can see your dilemma though. One solution is simply to cheat on him, but obviously there are some moral issues there. Or you may have to move on. Relationships are alway hard and he may just not be the guy for you. Sad though that may be.

 

[KimGordon67]

For some reason I have had open relationships almost since I started to date, it's just not a big deal to me and I suppose I choose and am chosen in part because of openness to openness as it were. Some people are close to being open and can be trained (bad word really), but some can never accept that sort of life style.

I can see your dilemma though. One solution is simply to cheat on him, but obviously there are some moral issues there. Or you may have to move on. Relationships are alway hard and he may just not be the guy for you. Sad though that may be.

Cheating on him isn't option. I did that for a while with my husband, and it made me unhappy.
He is really trying to get to grips with the whole idea. My husband really tried too - it didn't up working for him, and it's part, although only part, of the reason we ended up separating. I think the BF struggles with the idea a lot ... and yes, in the end, if he can't get over that, we will need to separate. I think we're both aware of that. So we just have to see what happens, really - to some extent, it's difficult for him to know how he'll really feel until he's actually confronted with the reality. Maybe my utter awesomeness will be enough for him to change how he feels. (I'm being a bit sarcastic there.)

 

[Justfantasies]

Cheating on him isn't option. I did that for a while with my husband, and it made me unhappy.
He is really trying to get to grips with the whole idea. My husband really tried too - it didn't up working for him, and it's part, although only part, of the reason we ended up separating. I think the BF struggles with the idea a lot ... and yes, in the end, if he can't get over that, we will need to separate. I think we're both aware of that. So we just have to see what happens, really - to some extent, it's difficult for him to know how he'll really feel until he's actually confronted with the reality. Maybe my utter awesomeness will be enough for him to change how he feels. (I'm being a bit sarcastic there.)

One thing that is especially hard for the guy is to accept the woman is going to find more lovers than he can -- just the way nature works. It took me a while to grasp that and be OK with it. In my grad school days, I had a GF who adored and thought I would be very jealous when she returned to her country and started fucking other guys. Actually, when she did it turned me on immensely.

So their are nuances that are learned, but I guess if you really aren't that kind of guy, you aren't that kind of guy and it time to move on for both of you, however hard that may be. I am guessing he isn't that type of guy. One girlfriend I had in the not too distant past actually interrogated me on my view of being non-monogamous on the second date. A bit crude perhaps, but it did prevent a lot of misunderstandings later

 

[KimGordon67]

One thing that is especially hard for the guy is to accept the woman is going to find more lovers than he can -- just the way nature works. It took me a while to grasp that and be OK with it. In my grad school days, I had a GF who adored and thought I would be very jealous when she returned to her country and started fucking other guys. Actually, when she did it turned me on immensely.

So their are nuances that are learned, but I guess if you really aren't that kind of guy, you aren't that kind of guy and it time to move on for both of you, however hard that may be. I am guessing he isn't that type of guy. One girlfriend I had in the not too distant past actually interrogated me on my view of being non-monogamous on the second date. A bit crude perhaps, but it did prevent a lot of misunderstandings later

It's difficult, because we're compatible in so many other ways, the sex is great, and I love him a lot. We'll just see how things go ... maybe he'll understand that me seeing other guys doesn't have to have a negative impact on all the things that are good about our relationship, and doesn't have to mean I love him less.

Ironically, of the two of us, he's the one who's actually fucked someone else. It really didn't bother me at all - had it resulted in him not loving me any more, I wouldn't have been happy, but obviously the relationship would have ended were that the case. But him sleeping with someone else didn't matter to me at all.

 

[Justfantasies]

It's difficult, because we're compatible in so many other ways, the sex is great, and I love him a lot. We'll just see how things go ... maybe he'll understand that me seeing other guys doesn't have to have a negative impact on all the things that are good about our relationship, and doesn't have to mean I love him less.

Ironically, of the two of us, he's the one who's actually fucked someone else. It really didn't bother me at all - had it resulted in him not loving me any more, I wouldn't have been happy, but obviously the relationship would have ended were that the case. But him sleeping with someone else didn't matter to me at all.

That's very good that he could have someone and that you didn't mind it. You could be mischievous I suppose and say he owes you another guy for a night. Vacations and business trips are good for such things of course.

Or you could just go ahead anyway and see how he reacts -- but, of course, it may not be a good reaction. Non-monogamy opens so many gates -- even just fantasizing with your main squeeze becomes more fun. Do PM me if you would like to chat more. I am enjoying this conversation.

 

[KimGordon67]

That's very good that he could have someone and that you didn't mind it. You could be mischievous I suppose and say he owes you another guy for a night. Vacations and business trips are good for such things of course.

Or you could just go ahead anyway and see how he reacts -- but, of course, it may not be a good reaction. Non-monogamy opens so many gates -- even just fantasizing with your main squeeze becomes more fun. Do PM me if you would like to chat more. I am enjoying this conversation.

I'd never go down the 'you owe me' route either - I really need to approach the whole situation with as much integrity as I can muster. I've not done so great on that front in the past, and I really regret that, so I want to just be honest and ethical going forward.
And yes, it's highly likely it won't be a good reaction. We're both pretty aware of that ... but I can't keep letting that hold me back of living my life how I want to.

 

[Justfantasies]

Agree

I'd never go down the 'you owe me' route either -[QUOTE nd yes, it's highly likely it won't be a good reaction. We're both pretty aware of that ... but I can't keep letting that hold me back of living my life how I want to./QUOTE]


Yes I didn't explain myself very well. I didn't really think of "you owe me" as a threat. More as a joke. Sex can be a giggle.

No you can't let your life roll by. I know it's hard.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'd never go down the 'you owe me' route either -[QUOTE nd yes, it's highly likely it won't be a good reaction. We're both pretty aware of that ... but I can't keep letting that hold me back of living my life how I want to./QUOTE]


Yes I didn't explain myself very well. I didn't really think of "you owe me" as a threat. More as a joke. Sex can be a giggle.

No you can't let your life roll by. I know it's hard.

Ha - he definitely doesn't see this with much humour at all.

 

[Justfantasies]

Ha - he definitely doesn't see this with much humour at all.

None of my business I suppose, but you need a different guy. Inevitably you will cheat on the guy you are with and then feel bad. Meanwhile, you are missing out on all the fun

 

[KimGordon67]

None of my business I suppose, but you need a different guy. Inevitably you will cheat on the guy you are with and then feel bad. Meanwhile, you are missing out on all the fun

But I'm NOT going to cheat on him - that's the point. I'm totally honest about what's going on - we've both agreed on that. (I don't actually 'need' any guy at all - I'd be pretty happy being fundamentally single. I just happen to love this guy.)

 

[Justfantasies]

But I'm NOT going to cheat on him - that's the point. I'm totally honest about what's going on - we've both agreed on that. (I don't actually 'need' any guy at all - I'd be pretty happy being fundamentally single. I just happen to love this guy.)

So I have to ask -- and hope I am not being rude -- if you love him and don't need any guy at all, what exactly is the problem?

 

[KimGordon67]

So I have to ask -- and hope I am not being rude -- if you love him and don't need any guy at all, what exactly is the problem?

'Need' is a funny thing ... I don't need any guy in particular, but I guess I do need to not feel as though I'm limited in any way. I might want to be emotionally attached to someone else as well. I want to just have sex with other people. I might not end up wanting any of those things. But I want the freedom to do whatever it is that I feel inclined to do, without feeling like a relationship is constraining that.
It's like how we mostly have more than one friend - no one really 'needs' any friends at all, but just having one would be a bit limiting.

 

[Justfantasies]

'Need' is a funny thing ... I don't need any guy in particular, but I guess I do need to not feel as though I'm limited in any way. I might want to be emotionally attached to someone else as well. I want to just have sex with other people. I might not end up wanting any of those things. But I want the freedom to do whatever it is that I feel inclined to do, without feeling like a relationship is constraining that.
It's like how we mostly have more than one friend - no one really 'needs' any friends at all, but just having one would be a bit limiting.

I completely understand, since it has been what I have been able to achieve. But I think men and women who can be like that -- polyamorous, I suppose -- are hard to find. But there are guys out there that are open to the sort of relationship you want -- I promise

 

[KimGordon67]

I completely understand, since it has been what I have been able to achieve. But I think men and women who can be like that -- polyamorous, I suppose -- are hard to find. But there are guys out there that are open to the sort of relationship you want -- I promise

Yeah, I know - I have talked with some in the past. It's just a pity THIS guy isn't. But oh well ... we'll just see what happens. People change. And then sometimes they don't. We just have to work things out as best we can.

 

[Justfantasies]

Yeah, I know - I have talked with some in the past. It's just a pity THIS guy isn't. But oh well ... we'll just see what happens. People change. And then sometimes they don't. We just have to work things out as best we can.

Good luck -- I wish you the very best. Gotta go for an hour or so. Let me know if you want to chat more.

jf

 

[KimGordon67]

The final ad

Just to be up front - if you message with 'hi' or anything of that nature, or a form email, I won't respond. I've written this profile with the intention of helping people work out if we might get on or not - I'd appreciate you giving me some indication of why you think that might be the case. There's plenty of clues ... if you can't see them, then we're probably not on the same page. (If there's too many words here for you to be bothered with, let's assume we're not going to get on.)
Also, I'm not doing monogamy at the moment, and I have a primary relationship. If you're looking for 'the one', probably best to keep looking. Being ethical, respectful and caring is fundamental to my version of non-monogamy. If you're 'cheating' in any sense, I don't think that's really my thing.
And ... I have 'sexual meetings' checked because the only other options are 'relationships' and 'friendships', and neither of those are what I'm wanting, at least not in the traditional sense. This does NOT mean I'm looking for random hook ups, and no, you CAN'T turn up in half an hour and get laid.
It's probably safe to say that my slightly non-traditional approach to relationships extends to other aspects of sex as well.

I separated from my husband nearly a year ago, and it's extremely amicable - we still spend quite a bit of time together. I have a boyfriend, and he's definitely my main relationship. However, I don't want the rest of my life to be monogamous ... and so here I am.
I'm pretty independent, I have a good job that I love, I like music of the less-mainstream variety ... if you have more than a passing familiarity with Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, that probably gives you an indication of where I'm at with music ... there's still a bit of 20-year-old punk me hanging around. And at least some cross over in music taste seems to be part of most of my relation/friendships. I enjoy lots of other stuff too ... movies, theatre, dance, art ... although I'll admit I don't read a great deal. (There's a good reason for that.) I love food - ALL the food, of any type - there isn't a lot I won't eat and enjoy. I'm pretty interested in politics and social issues. I like thinking about stuff ... and I like having a laugh. Sometimes at the same time.

I like people who are interested as well as interesting. Definitely over 40 (and I guess probably under 60). I'm not particularly concerned about employment status or investment portfolios. I'm OK with tattoos, missing bits, scars ... whatever, really. If you voted National, we're probably not going to hit it off. If you love Six-60 or Ed Sheeran to bits, we're probably not going to hit it off. I don't really care for sports. I like a slightly off-balanced sense of humour, empathy, open-mindedness, not taking oneself too seriously, not being bitter about the past ...
There seems to be a lot of negatives in there, which probably isn't good, but to some extent is just is easier to say 'these are the things that turn me off' than to specify what does interest me, because saying 'I want X, Y and Z' just seems too limiting. If you think we might be aligned, message me and give me something to work with ... just start a conversation, and see how it goes.
I don't have a heap of spare time, and find it easier to establish if there's some sort of connection through exchanging messages before actually meeting ... I know this probably seems annoying to a lot of people, but it works for me.

 

[KimGordon67]

... and reporting back from the dating site trenches, I can confirm that the world is full of penises, a great many of which seem to be attached to people who don't like reading more than five words at a time.

 

[PapaRomantic]

... and reporting back from the dating site trenches, I can confirm that the world is full of penises, a great many of which seem to be attached to people who don't like reading more than five words at a time.

Very similar to Literotica.....

 

[KimGordon67]

Very similar to Literotica.....

Worse. Definitely worse.

 

[PapaRomantic]

Worse. Definitely worse.

Oh dear - then that must be completely awful!

 

[Dribble]

Worse. Definitely worse.

This is so not good.

 

[KimGordon67]

This is so not good.

Meh ... it's not my first rodeo, so I kind of knew what to expect. I'm just utterly bemused by how many profile feature cock shots though ... like, do guy seriously thing that's what women want to see, that that's how we assess whether we're interested in someone. So strange.

 

[Richard_C]

It all makes sense to me. Though, it is true that most men don’t read much if any of a profile.

I think non-monogamy might be my thing. I honestly believe that I don’t have a jealous bone in my body. I just don’t. I can appreciate that most women aren’t into random hook ups, but if you develop a connection with someone and feel close then I don’t see why intimacy is wrong.

 

[KimGordon67]

It all makes sense to me. Though, it is true that most men don’t read much if any of a profile.

I think non-monogamy might be my thing. I honestly believe that I don’t have a jealous bone in my body. I just don’t. I can appreciate that most women aren’t into random hook ups, but if you develop a connection with someone and feel close then I don’t see why intimacy is wrong.

Realising that you don't have the jealousy gene is an interesting thing. It's difficult, because I would be sad ... well, probably extremely upset, more than 'sad' ... if my BF left me for someone else. But most of that would be about the 'left me' bit - I'd feel much the same if he left me for whatever reason. Of course, there is also the 'he found someone better than me' issue, which I'm sure I would think ... although, depending on how it happened, I could also see that I might just be glad that he was happy.
But if he was seeing someone and just kept loving me the same, I'd be OK. Because he's still loving me.
I just don't think jealousy is a very useful emotion.