Some poly, some kink, some other stuff ...

[Paul_Chance]

Hmmm ... he asked to be cuffed to the bed again. I think we're both finding bits of ourselves that don't often see the light of day. Interesting ...

I always think that is a good sign in a relationship, where both folks involved keep growing, sometimes in unusual sexual ways. As a guy who tends to be fairly alpha and enjoys the dominate and controlling position very much - it's also sometimes very nice to be on the other side of that equation. The loss of control and mobility serves to heighten the sensations in the focused on area.

 

[KimGordon67]

I always think that is a good sign in a relationship, where both folks involved keep growing, sometimes in unusual sexual ways. As a guy who tends to be fairly alpha and enjoys the dominate and controlling position very much - it's also sometimes very nice to be on the other side of that equation. The loss of control and mobility serves to heighten the sensations in the focused on area.

I like that he wants to give me that control sometimes. The fact that I'm the only person he's done that with makes it a bit more special.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I like that he wants to give me that control sometimes. The fact that I'm the only person he's done that with makes it a bit more special.

Yes, acts of trust strengthen and deepen relationships.

 

[KimGordon67]

Yes, acts of trust strengthen and deepen relationships.

Indeed. It's increasing my understanding of the responsibility that comes with that. And that I have to start learning to control my control ... being on the d side doesn't mean you just get to do whatever you want. Obviously I always knew that, but there's a difference when you actually FEEL it.

 

[FooledAround]

I recently discovered this thread and read through the whole thing. Both sensual and intellectual. Love reading about Kim's journey, and the sidebar discussions are very interesting. If Lit ever has a "Thread Hall Of Fame", this should be in it!

 

[KimGordon67]

I recently discovered this thread and read through the whole thing. Both sensual and intellectual. Love reading about Kim's journey, and the sidebar discussions are very interesting. If Lit ever has a "Thread Hall Of Fame", this should be in it!

The sidebar discussions are the best bits! I love a bit of derailment ... keeps things interesting.

 

[FooledAround]

Any new developments in this story Kim?

 

[KimGordon67]

Well, I bought the house I was looking at ... I move in in four weeks. So I'll finally have my own space. And that really feels like the beginning of the next bit of my life ... I've been in such a state of limbo for over a year now, it'll great to feel settled, and like I can actually start doing stuff myself, for myself. Me and my husband have worked out all the family stuff, and still getting on brilliantly - in fact, I'm sitting in his living room as I'm writing this.

Next weekend me and the BF are going out socially, to see some bands, with a couple of old friends of mine, and at a place where I'm bound to bump into a plethora of people I know. This will be the first time we've really been 'out' in a social sense (except just the two of us going out for dinner in the various places we end up staying), so it'll be interesting to see how that goes. It's strange to be transitioning him into my actual life ... and sort of ironic that for so long, my husband was the only person who knew about the BF.

The last time we were together - a couple of weeks ago - he asked to be cuffed to the bed again. I was a little more under control myself this time - the first time that happened, it sort of came from left field a bit, and I wasn't really prepared. I've been thinking more about being on the d side of the d/s equation though, and also more about him being on the s side. I'm the only person he's ever done that with (and vice versa, I guess, although that's less surprising) ... I'm sort of interested in exploring that a little.

 

[KimGordon67]

Well, I bought the house I was looking at ... I move in in four weeks. So I'll finally have my own space. And that really feels like the beginning of the next bit of my life ... I've been in such a state of limbo for over a year now, it'll great to feel settled, and like I can actually start doing stuff myself, for myself. Me and my husband have worked out all the family stuff, and still getting on brilliantly - in fact, I'm sitting in his living room as I'm writing this.

Next weekend me and the BF are going out socially, to see some bands, with a couple of old friends of mine, and at a place where I'm bound to bump into a plethora of people I know. This will be the first time we've really been 'out' in a social sense (except just the two of us going out for dinner in the various places we end up staying), so it'll be interesting to see how that goes. It's strange to be transitioning him into my actual life ... and sort of ironic that for so long, my husband was the only person who knew about the BF.

The last time we were together - a couple of weeks ago - he asked to be cuffed to the bed again. I was a little more under control myself this time - the first time that happened, it sort of came from left field a bit, and I wasn't really prepared. I've been thinking more about being on the d side of the d/s equation though, and also more about him being on the s side. I'm the only person he's ever done that with (and vice versa, I guess, although that's less surprising) ... I'm sort of interested in exploring that a little.

I was thinking about this post a bit ... it really does feel like finally getting my own place is the beginning of a new phase where I have more ... I don't know, more 'freedom' isn't quite right, because I've never really been constrained, but I guess more capacity for living how I want without feeling like it there are potentially negative effects for other people. I mean, there are potentially negative effects for other people, but it's all in the open now - the people concerned know that (most specifically, the BF), and can make their own decisions based on that. I've realised that compromising on honesty really doesn't work for me, at all ... there's still a few things from the past I'm fudging a little, for the sake of not hurting people unnecessarily (because, at this point, there's little be gained for anyone by being honest about things that happened previously) ... maybe that makes me seem hypocritical, but it's been a long process of getting to here, and I definitely made a few cock ups on the way, so I'm just hoping that happens less now. I think I'm a lot lucky. Me and the ex were just talking last night about how, as a family, we're almost better off than we were before - not better of financially, but in terms of being in a space where we're all happier without compromising our basic levels of comfort too much. And the offspring is happier too (that's based on self report, not our assumptions).

 

[KimGordon67]

Still recovering a bit from having spent four days with the BF - our longest stretch yet. So many things to think about ... like, now he's met some actual friends (!) ... one thing that surprised me though. We'd been doing ... something, I literally can't remember what ... and I suddenly had a flash in my head of him standing over me, pissing on me. That had always been in the 'no' list - not a hard limit, just not something either of us were even slightly interested in - so I have NO idea where it came from. I just went 'hmmm' in my head and left it there for a while, but then when we were talking a bit later, I mentioned it, expecting a 'really?!??!!!????' response and that to be the end of it. But I forget all the time how open he is. A bit later he took my hand and led me into the shower. I can't remember the exact sequence of events, but I know I was on my knees, and his cock had been in my mouth, and then he pulled me away from him a little and just waited.

And then it happened.

So strange. I really can't explain how intense it was. Not even slightly degrading, just intimate and close and really fucking hot. I pretty much came just from that. I never, in a million years, thought I would find the sight and sound and feeling of piss on my tits arousing. And it was SO surprising how intimate it was. How close we felt at that precise moment. How intense it was. And intimate - that's the word we both used immediately when talking about it afterwards, without even thinking.

 

[txgent101]

So strange. I really can't explain how intense it was. Not even slightly degrading, just intimate and close and really fucking hot. I pretty much came just from that. I never, in a million years, thought I would find the sight and sound and feeling of piss on my tits arousing. And it was SO surprising how intimate it was. How close we felt at that precise moment. How intense it was. And intimate - that's the word we both used immediately when talking about it afterwards, without even thinking.

Kim, never thought about this being a 'thing' but your description was so sensual and erotic. An amazing degree of mutual trust with him to affect you so strongly.

 

[KimGordon67]

Kim, never thought about this being a 'thing' but your description was so sensual and erotic. An amazing degree of mutual trust with him to affect you so strongly.

Honestly, it's not something I've ever been interested in either. We're finding a few things like that though. And you're right, it is about the trust. And somehow that makes it erotic.

 

[txgent101]

Trust

Honestly, it's not something I've ever been interested in either. We're finding a few things like that though. And you're right, it is about the trust. And somehow that makes it erotic.

In my own case, I have trouble trusting a partner beyond a certain point. It seems like that, in spite of having set boundaries at the beginning, that there is a problem adhering to those boundaries as time goes on. It particularly arises around the issue of when or whether to incorporate each other’s family circles into the situation. Basically I want to keep things just between my partner and myself, and she wants to expand it. This has happened three times in the past couple of years, and I find myself a little gun shy about it. And I get defensive. And it results in a parting. Even though it seemed that we were both giving completely (sexually) to each other. Have you had to deal with that?

It does help to read about the road you have taken, with all its bumps and joys.

 

[KimGordon67]

In my own case, I have trouble trusting a partner beyond a certain point. It seems like that, in spite of having set boundaries at the beginning, that there is a problem adhering to those boundaries as time goes on. It particularly arises around the issue of when or whether to incorporate each other’s family circles into the situation. Basically I want to keep things just between my partner and myself, and she wants to expand it. This has happened three times in the past couple of years, and I find myself a little gun shy about it. And I get defensive. And it results in a parting. Even though it seemed that we were both giving completely (sexually) to each other. Have you had to deal with that?

It does help to read about the road you have taken, with all its bumps and joys.

My response is too long to write on a phone - I'll answer properly later. It's an interesting question.

 

[soltiera]

Kim, thank you for sharing so much of your journey. It's been an educational read and strangely validating and encouraging. I appreciate that you've taken the time to share your story.

 

[KimGordon67]

Kim, thank you for sharing so much of your journey. It's been an educational read and strangely validating and encouraging. I appreciate that you've taken the time to share your story.

I don't think I can really make any claims as to educational value! But thanks. It's interesting writing this, because it makes me think about things. And I love hearing other people's perspectives. Well, mostly ... once or twice I'd have rather people had kept their perspective to themselves. But even the it's been an interesting debate.

 

[KimGordon67]

In my own case, I have trouble trusting a partner beyond a certain point. It seems like that, in spite of having set boundaries at the beginning, that there is a problem adhering to those boundaries as time goes on. It particularly arises around the issue of when or whether to incorporate each other’s family circles into the situation. Basically I want to keep things just between my partner and myself, and she wants to expand it. This has happened three times in the past couple of years, and I find myself a little gun shy about it. And I get defensive. And it results in a parting. Even though it seemed that we were both giving completely (sexually) to each other. Have you had to deal with that?

It does help to read about the road you have taken, with all its bumps and joys.

So here's the actual response to this question. When I first met my in-charge guy, I was (obviously) married. He's not really a people person - I think the technical term here would be 'loner'. He's personable enough, but doesn't have a significant group of friends nor actively seeks the company of others often ... as opposed to me. I have a large and centrally very tight group of friends who I've known for decades, and I'm (apparently) very sociable. But obviously I was married, so for a long time I kept him and the rest of my life very separate. My husband and one or two other friends knew about him, but there was no meeting of anyone. So although we never talked about that, I knew that probably suited both of us quite well.
Now I'm no longer married, and what seems like a 'decent' amount of time has based. We ended up out last weekend because this event came out (lots of bands, city centre, I was going with a couple of friends) and I asked him if he wanted to come along ... and he did, which totally surprised me. And, even more surprisingly, he totally enjoyed himself. When I go out to things like this, I know a LOT of people, and we were already with two of my oldest friends ... so it was a long night of conversations that started decades ago, and introductions, and very loud music. I thought he'd wane at some point, but he really had a great time. I had organised things well - we had a hotel that was literally over the road from the main venues, and I'm also very self-reliant - if he needed to go outside for half an hour to get some space, that was fine with me.
That's the first weekend we've actually done anything social together, after three years. There was more (we went shopping together - also a first), and a LOT of sex - see above, for example. When we were talking at some point, I asked him how he was feeling about everything, and he said 'happy, because you make a space that I fit into', and I sort of thought that maybe the slight weirdness of my life, the openness of my friends (and they really are a hugely accepting bunch of people), the fact that I didn't 'need' him there, but rather wanted him there, and a whole lot of other things, were all things that he really appreciated. That, and the sex, which is a whole other aspect to our relationships that's pretty special.

So that's a slightly long-winded answer to your question. We never talked about any of that stuff - it was just accepted that, up until quite recently, my life was very compartmentalised. And if he'd wanted it to stay like that, I'd be fine with that - I don't feel a need to parade this relationship around my social circle, although I'm no longer keeping it deliberately hidden (which is nice - that gets a bit tedious after a while). But he seems to want some more meshing of things now, which I'm fine with too ... so long as it stays measured. I'm lucky that he understands that family is always my priority, so there's that.

 

[txgent101]

Thanks Again

So here's the actual response to this question. When I first met my in-charge guy, I was (obviously) married. He's not really a people person - I think the technical term here would be 'loner'. He's personable enough, but doesn't have a significant group of friends nor actively seeks the company of others often ... as opposed to me. I have a large and centrally very tight group of friends who I've known for decades, and I'm (apparently) very sociable. But obviously I was married, so for a long time I kept him and the rest of my life very separate. My husband and one or two other friends knew about him, but there was no meeting of anyone. So although we never talked about that, I knew that probably suited both of us quite well.
Now I'm no longer married, and what seems like a 'decent' amount of time has based. We ended up out last weekend because this event came out (lots of bands, city centre, I was going with a couple of friends) and I asked him if he wanted to come along ... and he did, which totally surprised me. And, even more surprisingly, he totally enjoyed himself. When I go out to things like this, I know a LOT of people, and we were already with two of my oldest friends ... so it was a long night of conversations that started decades ago, and introductions, and very loud music. I thought he'd wane at some point, but he really had a great time. I had organised things well - we had a hotel that was literally over the road from the main venues, and I'm also very self-reliant - if he needed to go outside for half an hour to get some space, that was fine with me.
That's the first weekend we've actually done anything social together, after three years. There was more (we went shopping together - also a first), and a LOT of sex - see above, for example. When we were talking at some point, I asked him how he was feeling about everything, and he said 'happy, because you make a space that I fit into', and I sort of thought that maybe the slight weirdness of my life, the openness of my friends (and they really are a hugely accepting bunch of people), the fact that I didn't 'need' him there, but rather wanted him there, and a whole lot of other things, were all things that he really appreciated. That, and the sex, which is a whole other aspect to our relationships that's pretty special.

So that's a slightly long-winded answer to your question. We never talked about any of that stuff - it was just accepted that, up until quite recently, my life was very compartmentalised. And if he'd wanted it to stay like that, I'd be fine with that - I don't feel a need to parade this relationship around my social circle, although I'm no longer keeping it deliberately hidden (which is nice - that gets a bit tedious after a while). But he seems to want some more meshing of things now, which I'm fine with too ... so long as it stays measured. I'm lucky that he understands that family is always my priority, so there's that.

Kim that is beautiful, thanks so much. I like that phrase ‘happy, because you make a space that I fit into’. I think that both partners need to make that space for the other. And you and your BF obviously have. That’s what I want, and you expressed it so well. Guess I will go back to my usual search method via an online dating site, better equipped. My restless desire for a sexual and social relationship will not go away….

 

[KimGordon67]

Buying a new belt

Another thing we did last weekend is go shopping for a new belt for him. The town I've moved to has a leather worker in it who makes proper leather belts. There was something hugely pleasing about looking at the selection and him saying 'Which one do YOU like best baby - this one or this one?' and us both knowing that he didn't mean which one did I think looked best in his jeans.

And it's obviously good having the right tools for the job. The belt he'd had before wasn't really proper leather, and while it hurt like hell, there was something not quite right. This one makes a more satisfying sound, and feels heavier. The first time we used it, I could only handle two hits ... I'm not sure if that's me being wussy, or him needing to learn the right technique with something new. And it was a much 'more' pain ... deeper, I think. Eventually I was good with more. I like it when I get into that space where the sharp pain stops, and it's just ... I don't even know how to describe it, but it's very calming, right up to the point where I can't quite handle another one. It makes me feel more centred, more in my body, because that physical sensation, and him doing that to me is all I can think about. Everything else disappears.

And, because it's such a lovely thing, we started playing with variations - shortened, doubled, much more gently on my cunt. It's the first time he's ever used anything other than his hand there - that's always quite hard. This had more variation, more control. Talking about it afterwards, he said he really liked the way I came - apparently with that, I curl in on myself and scream.

And obviously it's particularly pleasing for him to leave for work in the morning wearing some that's made me cum, that still has me on it. That's for me.

 

[KimGordon67]

Weird moments in the marriage separation

I'm currently at the ex's place so I can pack up my stuff for shifting into my new house next weekend ... and so there's a parent in the house when he goes out on a Tinder date this evening. He showed me a photo of her - she's basically a very slightly younger version of me. Which is quite sweet.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm looking forward to having the time to update this ... because there are updates. Turns out having a new house is quite a time-consuming activity though, so finding the space I need to think and write is less of a priority at present. I have lovely sheets though, and a new couch on the way, and a new cat! (Resist the urge for pussy jokes.)

 

[KimGordon67]

So ... where to begin with more recent developments. I guess with the switching we seem to be doing a bit. That started a while back when, out of the blue, he asked me to cuff him to the bed. There's been a little bit more of that introduced the last few times we've been together ... which also resulted in one of my more spectacular faux pas'. One of the things we play with a little is breath play (yes, we're fully aware of the risks and we are very careful), and recently he's asked for us to switch that up. We were, again, very careful ... he explained quite clearly what I need to do, and I don't think I push the process anywhere near as far as it could go, because I'm worried about hurting him .... but as with having him cuffed, I could suddenly feel the 'high' of being on the dom side of the equation ... and that's when I really learnt about the need for SELF control that comes along with that. We'd been playing around with that a bit, and I said 'I really want to slap you now', and he said 'just do it' ... so I did, but unfortunately a bit too hard and not carefully place, so I effectively whacked him in the ear.

Apparently that really fucking hurts and not in a good way. Results were NOT favourable, and he was pretty freaking pissed.

We calmed down a bit and he explained that hitting people in the ear is not a good thing to do. I felt like a total dick, and it took a long time for me to get over that. But, after getting past the original pissed-offedness, he was great, and said I needed to stop worrying, that we're both going to make mistakes sometimes, and that's OK. We just need to learn from them and make things better.

It's an interesting thing that doesn't come up in the BDSM discussions much though ... we seldom discuss the real fuck ups, maybe because they often are mortifyingly embarrassing?

 

[txgent101]

We'd been playing around with that a bit, and I said 'I really want to slap you now', and he said 'just do it' ... so I did, but unfortunately a bit too hard and not carefully place, so I effectively whacked him in the ear. Apparently that really fucking hurts and not in a good way. Results were NOT favourable, and he was pretty freaking pissed.
We calmed down a bit and he explained that hitting people in the ear is not a good thing to do. I felt like a total dick, and it took a long time for me to get over that. But, after getting past the original pissed-offedness, he was great, and said I needed to stop worrying, that we're both going to make mistakes sometimes, and that's OK. We just need to learn from them and make things better.

It's an interesting thing that doesn't come up in the BDSM discussions much though ... we seldom discuss the real fuck ups, maybe because they often are mortifyingly embarrassing?

My anal-lytical nature led me to these to help you out Kim:

https://www.fetish.com/community/magazine/bdsm/slapping-guide-impact-play/

http://theartofsubmission.com/lesson/face-slapping-101/

And you can google 'how to slap someone in bdsm' for more! Who knew this could be an art form.

 

[KimGordon67]

My anal-lytical nature led me to these to help you out Kim:

https://www.fetish.com/community/magazine/bdsm/slapping-guide-impact-play/

http://theartofsubmission.com/lesson/face-slapping-101/

And you can google 'how to slap someone in bdsm' for more! Who knew this could be an art form.

Thanks for this! I really do need to do more reading, about this and other stuff. It was an interesting experience, after I got over feeling mortifyingly embarrasses - every time I end up on that side of the equation (which doesn't happen often), I learn more about the need to be in control of the control - that you don't just get to do whatever the fuck you want, but that a lot of thought and care needs to be put into things. And then I appreciate even more how much of that he's doing for me - and how scary it must be for him when things don't quite go according to plan (which does happen sometimes), because in those instances we're in much deeper.

 

[txgent101]

Thanks for this! I really do need to do more reading, about this and other stuff. It was an interesting experience, after I got over feeling mortifyingly embarrasses - every time I end up on that side of the equation (which doesn't happen often), I learn more about the need to be in control of the control - that you don't just get to do whatever the fuck you want, but that a lot of thought and care needs to be put into things. And then I appreciate even more how much of that he's doing for me - and how scary it must be for him when things don't quite go according to plan (which does happen sometimes), because in those instances we're in much deeper.

Kim you are a caring thoughtful partner for your guy. Yes, do your research so you can stay in that 'space that you both fit into’. You have a great thing going.