PSA: Being Dom is Not a pass to be an asshole

[lil_jenni]

For the same reasons people have bad experiences in any type if dating/relationships, ranging from abusers to unrealistic expectations.

Yep. And I don't think the poster above you intended to victim shame, but it felt that way when I first read that post this morning. Luckily I did not reply then...

 

[thomas1965]

Yep. And I don't think the poster above you intended to victim shame, but it felt that way when I first read that post this morning. Luckily I did not reply then...

Absolutely not. I was just curious.
Shaming and blaming are the worst you can do, so I do my utmost to avoid it.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yep. And I don't think the poster above you intended to victim shame, but it felt that way when I first read that post this morning. Luckily I did not reply then...

Absolutely not. I was just curious.
Shaming and blaming are the worst you can do, so I do my utmost to avoid it.

No, I didn’t read it like that at all.

I think the reason it could get interpreted that way, is that threads like these seem to lump together everything from abusive relationships like what Ciceri describes to people sending ”Kneel Bitch” messages.

 

[Strixaluco]

A dom should be loved and respected, but not feared.
I wonder why so many subs make bad experiences. Shouldn't it be possible to figure out the dom's attitude by asking the proper questions?
What does he/she thinks about subs in general?
Does he/she gave an idea about the sub's needs and desires?
Does he/she understand that submission and respect must be earned?
Is he/she aware of the responsibility as a dom(power and responsibility belong together)?

It takes some learning to even know what to filter out, and then how to do that. Many unexperienced subs don't even know what to look out for.

And, unfortunately, some people lie when answering.

 

[Otis_Ravelli]

It takes some learning to even know what to filter out, and then how to do that. Many unexperienced subs don't even know what to look out for.

And, unfortunately, some people lie when answering.

Agreed, for subs just starting out and seeing what's out there it's really tough going. The moment they say they're looking for a Dom they may well be messaged by some genuine, responsible, Dom's but they can be hard to find amongst all the "kneel bitch" messages. Many often end up walking away unfulfilled because it can be so relentless.

 

[Strixaluco]

Agreed, for subs just starting out and seeing what's out there it's really tough going. The moment they say they're looking for a Dom they may well be messaged by some genuine, responsible, Dom's but they can be hard to find amongst all the "kneel bitch" messages. Many often end up walking away unfulfilled because it can be so relentless.

I was lucky. I wasn't even searching yet but was messaged by one Daddy Dom who proved to be kind and caring - which then kept me patient until I had researched the subject enough and was ready to start searching for a local Dom.

So I pretty much skipped the "searching before knowing enough" phase. Though I did come across some "I can be your Daddy" messages, assuming to be called a Daddy without any kind of vetting.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Agreed, for subs just starting out and seeing what's out there it's really tough going. The moment they say they're looking for a Dom they may well be messaged by some genuine, responsible, Dom's but they can be hard to find amongst all the "kneel bitch" messages. Many often end up walking away unfulfilled because it can be so relentless.

This might be because I tend to prefer male partners that are physically able to overpower me and harm me if the choose to and/or because I’m a dinosaur who started the whole ”looking for partners and what it is that I want”- thing before the internet and without the concepts of dom, sub or bdsm being a thing, but I don’t really see the difference from partner search/dating in general.

Like I mentioned earlier (and this is the reason I keep going in about this), I think the idea that it is different can be harmful, because it renders the previous life experience useless and also because treating a rude asshole online approach like it is an actual threat, gives the asshole power to possibly actually cause harm.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

It's truly amazing how 1 "Dom" asshole can ruin things so thoroughly.
If it were a fluke or happened sparingly, then okay, it wouldn't be so awful.
But I swear, the amount of guys online who fall into this category is staggering and it's utterly draining.

 

[BiBunny]

It's truly amazing how 1 "Dom" asshole can ruin things so thoroughly.
If it were a fluke or happened sparingly, then okay, it wouldn't be so awful.
But I swear, the amount of guys online who fall into this category is staggering and it's utterly draining.

I'm a cynical asshole, sure, but in my opinion, there's usually a reason they're online and not fishing for local people instead.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

I'm a cynical asshole, sure, but in my opinion, there's usually a reason they're online and not fishing for local people instead.

Goddamn, all the irl women said, "Bitch, come within 50ft of me and watch how this piece of paper fucks your life up."
Yeah, I think you're right. They legally can't fish in those ponds anymore.

 

[DaedalusX]

There is a vast difference between the words Dominant and dominate. Similarly, there is a vast difference between the words male and man.

I certainly confused the two from time to time when I was much younger and first exploring. If it is an experience issue, a competent Dom will instruct a girl to be a better submissive (or Master train a slave), the inverse is also true. If it is a character issue, however... then run.

 

[IrisAlthea]

And what is a sub without a Dom?

Every time this thread gets bumped and I scroll by this comment, I find that I read it as if sung by Sinatra.

 

[Primalex]

Every time this thread gets bumped and I scroll by this comment, I find that I read it as if sung by Sinatra.

Well, assuming we are using the same melody in our head, the song should be the official dominant's anthem anyway.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Well, assuming we are using the same melody in our head, the song should be the official dominant's anthem anyway.

”If not himself, then he has naught”.

 

[Gln1517]

Short & simple: too many guys on here equate being dominant or CNC enthusiasts with having the God-given right to plunge into assholery.

My dear Sirs, stop that. You can exert control without being suffocating. You can enjoy CNC without being misogynistic. You can dominate without being verbally abusive.

You can literally enjoy your kinks and still treat your partner like a human being.

There's a fine line to walk. Figure it out, do your research, or ask for guidance. But don't become the next guy that gets blocked.

Amen! Thank you.