Q: tips to avoid predators while searching for a Dom?

[MrsPassion]

So i am new to BDSM in terms of actively seeking out others who also enjoy it but not so new that I haven’t been researching this off and on for years. I even attended a munch but it didn’t feel, welcoming or safe (can explain later if it’s necessary)

So I switched tactics to find someone online though not necessarily through personals. More like if it came up in the natural progression of conversation I’d feel it out.
Recently met a Litster who identified as a Dom and we talked a bit and I really appreciated their style and what they liked I liked. It was nice until it wasn’t. I wanted to discuss limits. They wanted nudes. I wanted to discuss a natural progression, they demanded absolute submission immediately…and nudes. I was told I had an attitude, but the reality was…I don’t know this person and while I liked their style I’ve read enough and spoken to enough people to recognize they maybe aren’t a Dom and just really want to have sex with women with a lot of pain involved (which I wasn’t adverse too but you know consent is sexy) having an attitude isn’t in my nature. I don’t identify with being a Brat and was genuinely wanting to be a good sub for this person but it didn’t feel right in my gut.

So how do you find a real Dom, when your local community isn’t very welcoming/safe?

It was frustrating to find someone who had a good deal of things I liked but lacked…idk training themselves? Basic manners lol (read: a willingness to build trust and establish rules)

I’m probably saying all this wrong (and I am admittedly a very shy anxious person so even posting this feels like a big step out of my comfort zone but closed mouths don’t get fed) where do you suggest new subs go to find compatible, safe Doms? Are there other threads already talking about this?

Any guidance is greatly appreciated.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Recently met a Litster who identified as a Dom and we talked a bit and I really appreciated their style and what they liked I liked. It was nice until it wasn’t. I wanted to discuss limits. They wanted nudes. I wanted to discuss a natural progression, they demanded absolute submission immediately…and nudes. I was told I had an attitude, but the reality was…I don’t know this person and while I liked their style I’ve read enough and spoken to enough people to recognize they maybe aren’t a Dom and just really want to have sex with women with a lot of pain involved (which I wasn’t adverse too but you know consent is sexy) having an attitude isn’t in my nature. I don’t identify with being a Brat and was genuinely wanting to be a good sub for this person but it didn’t feel right in my gut.

So how do you find a real Dom, when your local community isn’t very welcoming/safe?

I’m sorry your local community felt off.
Might be worth to look arond to see if there are any other within reasonable distance.

As for your almost but not quite compatible dominant, people like to go about this in different ways. Doesn’t have to be about being ”fake”.
Some want to be sure there is attraction befor putting in time, some want to start playing from the first moment etc. And like you said, some are out to have sex, some want long term and the level of experience will vary.

The important thing is that you knew what you wanted and didn’t want and you stood your ground on that. Some will think that is too much attitude and they are not going to be right for you anyway from what you have written, so better to find out immediately.

Getting to know people out in the open on the board rather than in private messages as you mentioned, is helpful in my personal opinion.

 

[MrsPassion]

I’m sorry your local community felt off.
Might be worth to look arond to see if there are any other within reasonable distance.

As for your almost but not quite compatible dominant, people like to go about this in different ways. Doesn’t have to be about being ”fake”.
Some want to be sure there is attraction befor putting in time, some want to start playing from the first moment etc. And like you said, some are out to have sex, some want long term and the level of experience will vary.

The important thing is that you knew what you wanted and didn’t want and you stood your ground on that. Some will think that is too much attitude and they are not going to be right for you anyway from what you have written, so better to find out immediately.

Getting to know people out in the open on the board rather than in private messages as you mentioned, is helpful in my personal opinion.

Thank you! This is helpful and good perspective.

 

[MissPennyLane]

I just want to start by saying; Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you are feeling this way

I am sorry your local community felt unwelcoming! I found quite a few local meets online when I first looked, are there any others you could try not too far? I tried 2 others before I found this one, which I find extremely friendly and welcoming. I actually messaged the organizers before and they offered to meet me before the start time and introduce me to some people, then I was well away!

In terms of online, it's tricky because everyone has a different idea of manners, communication expectations etc. Please be proud of yourself in the sense you recognised something you aren't comfortable with and not putting yourself into a position where you went along with it anyway. I don't think there's any magic formula for finding an online dynamic / Dom that you really click with because, realistically, you never can be 100% sure if someone is telling the truth and a true dynamic should be about clear communication and trust.

You could absolutely post a personal ad but you will likely be absolutely inundated with messages from any Tom, Dick and Harry (no offence chaps!). Which can be exhausting and demoralising to go through, like with dating generally, to keep putting yourself out there and either being rejected or not fully clicking with someone on the levels you are seeking is just so draining.

I hasten to add this is all just based on my opinion and personal experiences and I don't think I know everything about it... Or probably much at all. We are all always learning.

Please be kind to yourself, you're not saying anything "all wrong" and everyone is worthy of being desired and exploring their desires to summarise my thoughts, maybe don't go searching for something or someone specifically, just reach out to people and try chatting, go in with no expectations and see where it leads you. Some of my best sex and experiences irl have been from situations where I had no preconceived idea of how it was "gonna go down".

Love & light to you! Xxx

 

[PaxNurgle]

Some local kink communities are very tight-knit and closed, and not very welcoming to new members, particularly those who are not already partnered in a relationship. The kink community in my town is like this, and I had an experience similar to what MrsPassion described. My experience with "Fakes" has more to do with falling for online scammers and "bots" who seem like the real deal until you try to actually set up a meet and greet with them. It is good, though, to know what you want in a relationship ahead of time, and seek out people whose needs, and relationship goals are compatible with yours.

 

[MrsPassion]

I just want to start by saying; Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you are feeling this way

I am sorry your local community felt unwelcoming! I found quite a few local meets online when I first looked, are there any others you could try not too far? I tried 2 others before I found this one, which I find extremely friendly and welcoming. I actually messaged the organizers before and they offered to meet me before the start time and introduce me to some people, then I was well away!

In terms of online, it's tricky because everyone has a different idea of manners, communication expectations etc. Please be proud of yourself in the sense you recognised something you aren't comfortable with and not putting yourself into a position where you went along with it anyway. I don't think there's any magic formula for finding an online dynamic / Dom that you really click with because, realistically, you never can be 100% sure if someone is telling the truth and a true dynamic should be about clear communication and trust.

You could absolutely post a personal ad but you will likely be absolutely inundated with messages from any Tom, Dick and Harry (no offence chaps!). Which can be exhausting and demoralising to go through, like with dating generally, to keep putting yourself out there and either being rejected or not fully clicking with someone on the levels you are seeking is just so draining.

I hasten to add this is all just based on my opinion and personal experiences and I don't think I know everything about it... Or probably much at all. We are all always learning.

Please be kind to yourself, you're not saying anything "all wrong" and everyone is worthy of being desired and exploring their desires to summarise my thoughts, maybe don't go searching for something or someone specifically, just reach out to people and try chatting, go in with no expectations and see where it leads you. Some of my best sex and experiences irl have been from situations where I had no preconceived idea of how it was "gonna go down".

Love & light to you! Xxx

Who’s cutting onions in here?!? But in all honesty thank you. The local meeting I went too was just a lot of nonconsentual touching, I would say no once and promptly be met by the same hand on my leg, or shoulder, or breast, and a hyper fixation on race play (I’m a black woman and pretty modest, and soft spoken irl so my natural personality type felt like it was being fetishized along with my race. It was all bad. Gave me serious icky feelings) I’m not sure if I’m ready to try another group as I’m still processing what happened with the first.

And yes, even now my inbox is full of offers from people but I’m once again, a little shy and more reserved after my first run in.

I appreciate your support and words of encouragement though! Truly it means a lot!

 

[MrsPassion]

Some local kink communities are very tight-knit and closed, and not very welcoming to new members, particularly those who are not already partnered in a relationship. The kink community in my town is like this, and I had an experience similar to what MrsPassion described. My experience with "Fakes" has more to do with falling for online scammers and "bots" who seem like the real deal until you try to actually set up a meet and greet with them. It is good, though, to know what you want in a relationship ahead of time, and seek out people whose needs, and relationship goals are compatible with yours.

They were tight knit and pretty liberal with their group definition of consent. It wasn’t great.

I’ve yet to encounter a bot but lots of random messages and offers and it is in fact overwhelming.

I’m not rigid in what I want necessarily, but I know what mutual respect looks and feels like so that’s a minimum

 

[Herkermer2]

I can understand the fact he didn’t want to waste time, and learn if he was attracted or not. If the physical attraction isn’t there, then it’s really a waste of time. Regardless, if you get him to like you as a person or not. If a woman I am talking to is reluctant to share what she looks like, she is usually fake and will eventually break out her sad “send me money spiel”. Or she knows she isnt much to look at, and her plan is “if I can get him to just get to know me, then it doesn’t matter what I look like” angle.
If a man online insists you submit to him immediately, then he isn’t a Dom. Sorry, but just cause I claim I’m a Dom doesn’t make me one, and it sure as hell doesnt give me the right to be treated as such. Submission is a gift, and a real Dom realizes this. The Sub is really in control when first getting to know one another. Until the sub gives her submission willingly to the Dom, the Dom is not in any sort of control.

 

[MrsPassion]

I can understand the fact he didn’t want to waste time, and learn if he was attracted or not. If the physical attraction isn’t there, then it’s really a waste of time. Regardless, if you get him to like you as a person or not. If a woman I am talking to is reluctant to share what she looks like, she is usually fake and will eventually break out her sad “send me money spiel”. Or she knows she isnt much to look at, and her plan is “if I can get him to just get to know me, then it doesn’t matter what I look like” angle.
If a man online insists you submit to him immediately, then he isn’t a Dom. Sorry, but just cause I claim I’m a Dom doesn’t make me one, and it sure as hell doesnt give me the right to be treated as such. Submission is a gift, and a real Dom realizes this. The Sub is really in control when first getting to know one another. Until the sub gives her submission willingly to the Dom, the Dom is not in any sort of control.

So I’m not adverse to sending photos of myself. He’s seen me, I’ve seen him. He was very vocal in how attractive he found me. That wasn’t the issue (at least not from what I gathered) and I like having a face to a name. I don’t need him to like me as a person.I needed him to fill a specific role that isn’t otherwise available to me irl at the moment. I’m confident in my looks, and personality so outside validation isn’t a requirement for me. And I wasn’t looking to waste his time. So he knew what I looked like relatively quickly after we started speaking and shared photos of himself with me quickly too. I’d rather know up front if I’m not what someone is looking for vice/versa. Nude photos were the real issue when there wasn’t an agreement that he was my Dom and I was his sub.

I hear you on the gift part and I don’t know if he understood that. I appreciate your insight, I’m still navigating learning through action and fully have the expectation that I’ll come across some stinkers along the way. Just trying to learn how to avoid as many. While also maintaining my own safety boundaries.

 

[Herkermer2]

So I’m not adverse to sending photos of myself. He’s seen me, I’ve seen him. He was very vocal in how attractive he found me. That wasn’t the issue (at least not from what I gathered) and I like having a face to a name. I don’t need him to like me as a person.I needed him to fill a specific role that isn’t otherwise available to me irl at the moment. I’m confident in my looks, and personality so outside validation isn’t a requirement for me. And I wasn’t looking to waste his time. So he knew what I looked like relatively quickly after we started speaking and shared photos of himself with me quickly too. I’d rather know up front if I’m not what someone is looking for vice/versa. Nude photos were the real issue when there wasn’t an agreement that he was my Dom and I was his sub.

I hear you on the gift part and I don’t know if he understood that. I appreciate your insight, I’m still navigating learning through action and fully have the expectation that I’ll come across some stinkers along the way. Just trying to learn how to avoid as many. While also maintaining my own safety boundaries.

I wasn’t commenting on your situation in general because I wasn’t fully aware of what your situation entailed. So I wasn’t judging you, and the fact you had covered this with him is something I wasn’t aware of.
My advice is to not be passive early on when coming across a Dom. It might feel like you are the dominant one in the beginning, but wout communicating up front will only lead to wasted time later on.

 

[MrsPassion]

I wasn’t commenting on your situation in general because I wasn’t fully aware of what your situation entailed. So I wasn’t judging you, and the fact you had covered this with him is something I wasn’t aware of.
My advice is to not be passive early on when coming across a Dom. It might feel like you are the dominant one in the beginning, but wout communicating up front will only lead to wasted time later on.

No worries! It didn’t come across as judgement.

 

[lovecraft68]

If they're on twitter that's pretty much a dead give away.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

Yes, I've had my share of fake Dom's try to be in my DMs. There's all walks of life in the BDSM community. Some will think they know all about being either a D or s.
It also depends, do you want a soft, caring Dom, or the more aggressor type..
Either way, vetting as your wanting to do is most important. If he's not willing, then be patient, you'll find your match, I hope for you.
I finally found the Dom perfect for me. We took a few weeks to get to know each other, before it got more of a dynamic.. it sounds like you're wanting a connection first? That's going to take kissing a lot of frogs, LoL.. but totally worth it!!

 

[IrisAlthea]

That sounds like a pretty horrible group, to run into.

And yes, even now my inbox is full of offers from people but I’m once again, a little shy and more reserved after my first run in.

Being new and female can be a bit overwhelming in itself. Posting about being submissive and looking, is going to make it infinitely worse, I’d guess.
You can close your inbox, at least for a while if you want to and you can block people from messageing again if you like.
You can also ignore people on the forums if you don’t want to see their posts.

Not appearing on the online list is also very helpful.

If you want to do a quick sort if your inbox, you can star messages you want to get back to, like people you have already interacted with or usernames you recognize from the forums.

I’m one of those who are not a fan of ”submission is a gift”
https://forum.literotica.com/threads/do-you-think-submission-is-a-gift.1538658/

I do believe in acting like you would in any other situation where you are getting to know another adult and trying to decide how you feel about them.
I would focus on this:

I’m not rigid in what I want necessarily, but I know what mutual respect looks and feels like so that’s a minimum

I don’t think it is very much about ”fake” or ”not a dom” but rather about compatibility. It doesn’t matter if someone was elected Dominant of the Year for 5 years in a row by the International Federation of Submissives, if it doesn’t work for you.

 

[IrisAlthea]

If they're on twitter that's pretty much a dead give away.

But to come to that conclusion you’d have to be on twitter, so…

 

[MrsPassion]

That sounds like a pretty horrible group, to run into.



Being new and female can be a bit overwhelming in itself. Posting about being submissive and looking, is going to make it infinitely worse, I’d guess.
You can close your inbox, at least for a while if you want to and you can block people from messageing again if you like.
You can also ignore people on the forums if you don’t want to see their posts.

Not appearing on the online list is also very helpful.

If you want to do a quick sort if your inbox, you can star messages you want to get back to, like people you have already interacted with or usernames you recognize from the forums.

I’m one of those who are not a fan of ”submission is a gift”
https://forum.literotica.com/threads/do-you-think-submission-is-a-gift.1538658/

I do believe in acting like you would in any other situation where you are getting to know another adult and trying to decide how you feel about them.
I would focus on this:



I don’t think it is very much about ”fake” or ”not a dom” but rather about compatibility. It doesn’t matter if someone was elected Dominant of the Year for 5 years in a row by the International Federation of Submissives, if it doesn’t work for you.

Thank you! This was all very helpful. I thought I had my page fairly secure, but my messages were open to anyone and I probably should have added to my original post that this really isn’t a personal, and I just wanted insight. I thought that was pretty clear but probably should have overstated it.

I think I’m going to find a group a little further out than my city and see if folks aren’t more friendly and respectful in other places.

I think I’m gonna read through the “gift” thread a few more times. You all have more experience than I so it feels out of my element/ knowledge of expertise to form an opinion, I find myself aligned with some of it and not all. Different strokes for different folks, but I really appreciate you sharing it. I don’t think my taste or fluffy or romantic haha but also I’m new so it feels like something precious to give someone?

Either way. Your thoughtful response (and additional reading material! ) is appreciated! Thank you!

 

[nyc_cutie]

I want to say thank you for starting this thread. I’m also in my 30’s and new to the kink/lifestyle. And it can be really overwhelming/daunting.

 

[MrsPassion]

I want to say thank you for starting this thread. I’m also in my 30’s and new to the kink/lifestyle. And it can be really overwhelming/daunting.

Folks here are wonderfully knowledgeable! And for the most part very friendly.

It’s hard out here for new subs (no pun intended) So I hope as more responses come in you get good some insight.

 

[Primalex]

The Sub is really in control when first getting to know one another.

Obviously not or the thread wouldn't exist and she would live her happy kinky life.

 

[Herkermer2]

Obviously not or the thread wouldn't exist and she would live her happy kinky life.

It was an explanation and not an observation.

 

[IrisAlthea]

It was an explanation and not an observation.

It’s interesting though, that when people want to empower one party, they often swing way over to the other side with:

The Sub is really in control when first getting to know one another. Until the sub gives her submission willingly to the Dom, the Dom is not in any sort of control.

I can never quite get my head around why the concept of two adults meeting and both being in control of and responsible for their part of communication and making their choice about if and how to move forward, seems to be too out there for so many people?

 

[Herkermer2]

It’s interesting though, that when people want to empower one party, they often swing way over to the other side with:



I can never quite get my head around why the concept of two adults meeting and both being in control of and responsible for their part of communication and making their choice about if and how to move forward, seems to be too out there for so many people?

Its not that the Dominant is being submissive, but at that point in time he/she doesn’t have the right to demand anything from the prospective submissive at this stage. Until that submissive is willing to gift themselves, the ball is shared equally. The Dominant has to agree to the situation as well. Obviously.

 

[Herkermer2]

I think for the most part it’s immaturity and hormones, as to why these fake Doms act as they do. More than likely they are young adults or highly inexperienced with physical relationships.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Its not that the Dominant is being submissive, but at that point in time he/she doesn’t have the right to demand anything from the prospective submissive at this stage.

No, I get that you were only pointing out that the submissive has full agency at that stage.

The Dominant has to agree to the situation as well. Obviously.

Yes, it would seem obvious that the dominant has the same amount of agency but still it is often put in terms like you did here (my emphasis added):

The Sub is really in control when first getting to know one another. Until the sub gives her submission willingly to the Dom, the Dom is not in any sort of control.

And this is not to pick on you specifically, but you (general you) will hear it a lot and I think it confuses people.

As I said, I can’t quite get my head around why it is put in those terms so often.

 

[GoddessEnyo]

Hello @MrsPassion. I am stopping to offer my two cents as I believe we have a common approach to finding a Dom.

While I use online sites to find and interview a potential Dom, meeting in real life was my goal. I live in a large population center so the options are vast and I never worry about not finding exactly what I want.

How did I know he was the one to invest in?
I had stressed the importance of having a real conversation void of sex talk. I need to want to fuck the man, not just the Dom persona he exudes when we are locked away.

When he did eventually steer the conversation to Sex, I was not alarmed but became Excited. The response was not just in my mind with answering his questions but my body responded too. He built my trust in him and knew it was time to press and I reciprocated. He then pulled back and we focused on our nonsex friendship again. I can’t even express how grateful I was that he took the time.

It sounds like you have an additional concern with being fetishized due to race. I’m glad you’re aware and being extra careful. I still believe there is someone who will give you the respect you deserve in all areas.

I’m excited for you in this journey. I hope you will keep us updated and my PMs are always open if you would like to discuss this further.