Let's discuss how subs deal with Dom Drop

[emme8]

I had a good session with the hubby tonight.
He told me to prepare for anal sex.
Then once he arrived home he gripped my hair and steered my up to the bedroom. Then pushed me on the bed and took my ass.
Except I wasn't as ready as I thought I was and my sphincter protested painfully. After a moment I was good again, and we did proceed to have great sex.

But Holy Fuck, that moment was bad intense.

And hubby is now kinda experience a bit of Dom Drop. The guilt of hurting me. And I suspect the 'do I really want to do this again?'.

So how do y'all take care of your Dom when they feel down afterwards?

 

[IrisAlthea]

I’m a very firm believer in adult responsibility for everyone who is an adult and I don’t think it should matter what gender you are or what you want to label yourself as.
I essence, that means that I think you are responsible for making sure you get the after care you need, as in you work to figure out what you need and you ask for the help you might need and stay away from those unable or willing to provide the help you know you need.

But, and it is a big but, there is a lot of talk both here and elsewhere about how a dominant (and I get the feeling that people think it goes especially for males), is supposed to be so experienced, competent and mind reading that they never get it wrong.
I think it has to do with the idea that trust is built on being dependable and it is, but there are no omnipotent, perfect dominants outside fantasyland, so I think it is really about being able to depend on a partner to do their due diligence to mitigate risks and to handle any negative outcome as efficiently as possible.

Based on those thoughts, I think most people like to be reassured that things are not fucked up beyond redemption and that basic trust is still intact, regardless of who and what you are.
In my experience, too much fuss can be contraproductive though and as ”too much” is very relative, we are kind of back to the need to both communicate and get to know each other.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

You said that it ended up with great sex, so I presume it’s a question for later rather than after the moment. It seems from what you’ve written before he’s a great guy and is really trying to give you want you want need, I.e he’s serving you. If that’s the case I think being direct about it, taking some of the responsibility and being very clear that you see this as snafu and that you’re keen to try again. You could then chat tactics for next time, some people like practicalities it gives them grounding, and with anal especially the details matter. anyway I hope this helps.

of course if it’s just in the moment, I think it’s the same care and reassurance that subs look for and so I don’t see why it should be any different.

 

[submissa]

It depends. In the scenario you described, if he knew he was really hurting me and he did not stop/slow down, that to me is a valid reason for him to feel guilty. Obviously, some of this is on you for not preparing adequately. However, I think he also has a responsibility to not just force his cock in you abruptly given the anus tears very easily - and these tears tend to take longer to heal than vaginal injuries.

I have never topped in anal (and I'm not dominant, either), but if I had, I would either verify with my fingers that the bottom has prepared or instruct them to use a plug, which I would remove and that would show me they're ready. Unless they had used a large plug (and I had doused them in lube), I would not just shove my strap-on into them, but ease it slowly in. If your dom has never been pegged and is inexperienced topping during anal, he probably has ideas about the elasticity of the anus that are inaccurate - and you may, as well.

In your position, assuming no consent was violated, I would reassure him by emphasizing that it was overall a positive experience and take responsibility for my part in not preparing adequately. I would tell him I look forward to trying it again with the knowledge gained from this experience.

 

[Amandyla]

This is the reason that safe words are there for a reason. You can have two safewords, one for slow down/not quite as hard, and another as a hard stop.

If you have safe words, then he shouldn't feel guilty if you didn't say them. A dom(me) can't always tell when fighting back is real or part of the game. It is important, extremely important to know the safe words and to go over them before each session. The sub has to say when its too much, each person has their own limits and at times, some may want to feel more pain than others.

As long as you didn't use a safe word, you should reassure him that you knew what to say if you didn't really want it.

 

[IrisAlthea]

This is the reason that safe words are there for a reason. You can have two safewords, one for slow down/not quite as hard, and another as a hard stop.

If you have safe words, then he shouldn't feel guilty if you didn't say them. A dom(me) can't always tell when fighting back is real or part of the game. It is important, extremely important to know the safe words and to go over them before each session. The sub has to say when its too much, each person has their own limits and at times, some may want to feel more pain than others.

As long as you didn't use a safe word, you should reassure him that you knew what to say if you didn't really want it.

There are situatuations where the damage will already be done when you get your yellow or red out.
A swift push past a resistance can definitely be one of those.
There are even situations when you don’t notice that something went too far, until later when you calm down.

This is why you have to be aware of the risks of a certain practice beforehand and to me that means that you need to accept that the possible negative fallout might actually happen to you or your partner and be prepared to deal with it.

Safeword and a trafic light system of signals can prevent a lot of issues, but they are not able to totally erradicate all risk with every practice.
In my opinion, that is something you need to be aware of regardless of what role you choose in the play.

 

[Amandyla]

There are situatuations where the damage will already be done when you get your yellow or red out.
A swift push past a resistance can definitely be one of those.
There are even situations when you don’t notice that something went too far, until later when you calm down.

This is why you have to be aware of the risks of a certain practice beforehand and to me that means that you need to accept that the possible negative fallout might actually happen to you or your partner and be prepared to deal with it.

Safeword and a trafic light system of signals can prevent a lot of issues, but they are not able to totally erradicate all risk with every practice.
In my opinion, that is something you need to be aware of regardless of what role you choose in the play.

They were asking how to help with Dom drop, if they have safe words then he shouldn't feel guilty. I didn't say it was perfect for everyone in every situation as that isn't the case but it can help new Doms not feel guilty about going too far if their subs never use words or didn't say they wanted it to stop.

 

[IrisAlthea]

They were asking how to help with Dom drop, if they have safe words then he shouldn't feel guilty. I didn't say it was perfect for everyone in every situation as that isn't the case but it can help new Doms not feel guilty about going too far if their subs never use words or didn't say they wanted it to stop.

And I’m saying that no matter how you
”should” feel it is still quite possible to feel bad about causing unintended pain and issues.
Especially if you know there was no way a safeword or yellow could gave prevented it.