Sub and Switch Ladies: How Do You Feel About a Dom Who Doesn't Want To Try Submission?

[InCNCestBangPie]

The question in the title is for the ladies only.
It's more so geared towards your inner switch, but there are some subs out there who are interested in being Domme & haven't tried it.

Personally, I find it to be a real turn off when a guy just wholeheartedly shuts down the idea of being sub. It's very closed minded to me and as much as I can appreciate a man in control, that feels like too much ego. "No I haven't tried it, but I know myself and I'm not the sub type" or "I'm not taking commands from no one."
It feels like toxic masculinity bullshit. I get that you know what you like and don't like. I guess from my perspective, if your partner genuinely wants to explore being Domme, why just one-sidedly shut that shit down? But as a Dom, you expect your sub to jump through hoops for you, when you snap your fingers??
I guess, ultimately, if I'm going above and beyond to please, it feels like a lack of reciprocity if I express wanting to display a bit of control sometimes & that's not given a 2nd thought. Because no, being Domme doesn't have to be this extreme experience, complete with pegging (though, there's nothing wrong with that). It can simply look like deriving pleasure from watching him follow simple commands.

What do you lady subs & switches think?

 

[BiBunny]

I'm pretty much with you on this. At the very least, I feel like a dominant should try the toys they use on subs, to have some sort of idea of the sensation they're creating. That doesn't really require them to be submissive to another person, just to take themselves what they intend to dish out.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

I'm pretty much with you on this. At the very least, I feel like a dominant should try the toys they use on subs, to have some sort of idea of the sensation they're creating. That doesn't really require them to be submissive to another person, just to take themselves what they intend to dish out.

That just doesn't seem like a stretch of an ask to me.
Again, though, I'm working under the assumption that the D/s relationship has been built through communication, trust, & respect; and not hastily thrown together for the sake of sex.
Because, if we're exploring pleasing each other, why should it be a one way street?

 

[lanceGibs]

That just doesn't seem like a stretch of an ask to me.
Again, though, I'm working under the assumption that the D/s relationship has been built through communication, trust, & respect; and not hastily thrown together for the sake of sex.
Because, if we're exploring pleasing each other, why should it be a one way street?

I endorse your views

 

[wicked woman]

You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but personally, I've got no interest in a man who wants to sub and I certainly don't want to domme/top him. Nothing wrong with men who do...we're just not compatible.

I also don't see the need to be critical about people who aren't compatible with me or who are who they say they are (e.g. a dom). Your OP sounds similar to a bisexual person complaining that a person, who identifies as straight, won't have sex with the same gender. If they know they're straight, why would they? If you're a switch, it makes sense you might like someone who switches...although some people are only one role with an individual. For example a sub with A and a domme with B, versus both a sub/domme with C.

So no, I don't want my Dom to submit to me or anyone else. Your question is really geared to switches not those who submit only.

 

[slavemelanie]

I think it would extremely difficult if not impossible for me to be dominant to someone I was submissive to. That's a huge ask mentally and emotionally, but I could see engaging in some fetishes with a Dom/Domme that appear to be me being dominant. It's not usual for people to feel dominant or submissive to different individuals. I knew a woman that was submissive to men but dominant to women.

My personal opinion is everyone who is inherently dominant or submissive that switches does so more as a fetish. The beauty of D/s is that you make it into whatever you need it to be. There is no right or wrong as long as it's safe and consensual.

 

[AsianFusion]

I've been domme for a bf a few times. It's not my nature, I only did it to be nice. But I was surprised how much I enjoyed it. (Ditto how much HE enjoyed it lol.)

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but personally, I've got no interest in a man who wants to sub and I certainly don't want to domme/top him. Nothing wrong with men who do...we're just not compatible.

I also don't see the need to be critical about people who aren't compatible with me or who are who they say they are (e.g. a dom). Your OP sounds similar to a bisexual person complaining that a person, who identifies as straight, won't have sex with the same gender. If they know they're straight, why would they? If you're a switch, it makes sense you might like someone who switches...although some people are only one role with an individual. For example a sub with A and a domme with B, versus both a sub/domme with C.

So no, I don't want my Dom to submit to me or anyone else.

Thank you for your opinion. I can appreciate an honest, albeit differing, viewpoint. I think this is the goal with open dialogue: gathering various opinions to create a more informed worldview.

Your question is really geared to switches not those who submit only.

Actually, as one person has posted below, some subs do try Domming & learn they like it. So, I know who my question is geared towards.

I also don't see the need to be critical about people who aren't compatible with me or who are who they say they are (e.g. a dom).

I agree, if we're not compatible, we're not compatible. In my post, though it does read like a rant, lol, I was assuming an established D/s relationship in which one partner isn't willing to let the other try new things. I do see your side of things though, to a degree. Thank you.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

I think it would extremely difficult if not impossible for me to be dominant to someone I was submissive to. That's a huge ask mentally and emotionally, but I could see engaging in some fetishes with a Dom/Domme that appear to be me being dominant. It's not usual for people to feel dominant or submissive to different individuals. I knew a woman that was submissive to men but dominant to women.

I understand this. I know a woman who is only comfortable submitting to women. However, in her case, she's also navigating through trauma, so being submissive to a man is not an option, and with good reason. I don't know if she's tried the role of Domme or been given the opportunity.

The beauty of D/s is that you make it into whatever you need it to be. There is no right or wrong as long as it's safe and consensual.

Such is true. This is the core of it all, right? You tailor your dynamic with your partner in order to meet both of your needs, being cognizant that one size might not fit all, but (to my point) you still put forth effort & are willing to explore. Though, boundaries are boundaries & if anything feels uncomfortable, you absolutely speak up or stay attuned to your partner to realize if they're hesitant to speak up.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

I've been domme for a bf a few times. It's not my nature, I only did it to be nice. But I was surprised how much I enjoyed it. (Ditto how much HE enjoyed it lol.)

I love that! It is very cool to see that process in real-time. That "sure, I'll give it a try" dipping of the toes into uncharted waters. Then seeing how much you or both of you enjoy the new roles/play. The analyzing afterwards of exactly why you enjoyed this new thing and if you ever want to try again. It can all be a curious exhilaration.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I feel like a dominant should try the toys they use on subs, to have some sort of idea of the sensation they're creating. That doesn't really require them to be submissive to another person, just to take themselves what they intend to dish out.

This.

I have little to no interest in being sexually dominating - it would be service topping at best - so I see no reason to ask a partner to submit.
Being willing to do what it takes to understand what it is you are dishing out, is not the same as submitting though.

In a primary partner, I would have a hard time with someone who needed to be totally in charge of everything at all times. That doesn’t mean that they need to submit at times though.

I also don't see the need to be critical about people who aren't compatible with me or who are who they say they are (e.g. a dom)

Yes, peoples limits are theirs and not much to argue.
An open mind is a good thing of course, but as the great poet said, ”people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”.
I have great respect for people who are able to put their foot down and know what isn’t for them at the time, in that situation or ever.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Sub lady here who also has zero desire to dominate or top. I have been with a very dominant man who liked to sub from time to time, and he got that itch scratched elsewhere and would tell me all about it. It didn’t make me see him as less dominant, just was who he was. He would be so excited telling me about it that it usually led to some real fun for us after story time.

He used to joke about ordering me to hit him or something….and there’s just no way. I don’t have any of it in me. It was, however, just a joke. He wouldn’t ask me to try on dominating and I wouldn’t expect my dom to sub (it’s kinda laughable thinking about my current partner subbing…like me, he is no switch). We are who we are and I don’t think we need to try the other side to understand it or appreciate it.

 

[IrisAlthea]

He used to joke about ordering me to hit him or something….

I’m afraid that might work for me.

 

[mrsgee]

A natural Dom is the one that not only dominates a women's body but also her mind, and her desires. A woman with submissive tendencies wants a man to be in charge and to make her sexually submissive to his wishes. I personally couldn't see such a man want to try being submissive. However, I do accept we are all different.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

A natural Dom is the one that not only dominates a women's body but also her mind, and her desires. A woman with submissive tendencies wants a man to be in charge and to make her sexually submissive to his wishes. I personally couldn't see such a man want to try being submissive. However, I do accept we are all different.

We are all different, correct.
Never for one moment think that a man who can handle both roles is not a natural Dom. That's patently false.

 

[Badguy4u]

I'm pretty much with you on this. At the very least, I feel like a dominant should try the toys they use on subs, to have some sort of idea of the sensation they're creating. That doesn't really require them to be submissive to another person, just to take themselves what they intend to dish out.

I agree somewhat. Like I know for childhood what it feels like to be whipped on the butt and back of legs. I don't need to experience that again. But I did hot wax play and nipple clamps on a sub and tried it first. Holy Shit I couldn't believe how painful that was. But the sub girl didn't even flinch. As far as being a subbie, I tried it once with a young dominatrix, and didn't last a minute. I couldn't stop laughing.

 

[SweetBaybeeGirl]

Being Domme or sub is part our nature and personality. I wouldn’t expect a dominant personality to try being sub just to be sure that’s her nature. We are who we are!

 

[Fullygrownbrat]

I asked my Dom to clarify it for me. Long story short, trauma from the military. There may be a good reason for not wanting it, and personally, I wouldn't want to make previous trauma, especially of that nature, come up to the surface if they were unwilling.

 

[Lady2020]

I can play a sub and switch. But it would take a likeable, rare man. It's been my experience that men who claim to be doms refuse to give up control. They're afraid. (No pms please. I'm no dominatrix).

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

This is about being submissive vs. being game.

The first is impossible unless you drew that kink card from the deck.

The second is just giving your partner that thing they sometimes crave that your genitals don’t fucking understand at all.

 

[Lady2020]

One of the nuances of submission is that women have been geared for it since the earth formed.

 

[IrisAlthea]

The second is just giving your partner that thing they sometimes crave that your genitals don’t fucking understand at all.

And that is fine with some things and not with others, or with some people and not with others and sometimes works in some seasons but not in others.

There may be a good reason for not wanting it, and personally, I wouldn't want to make previous trauma, especially of that nature, come up to the surface if they were unwilling.

I’m not quoting your post here to harp on you specifically, but it is a great example of how we sometimes use language about dominants, especially men, that we wouldn’t use about submissives and especially not women.

In my opinion, people get to pick their limits and standards and whatever and I get to opt in or out depending on my limits or standards or whatever and that goes for any type of relationship really.

Switching wouldn’t go on my must have list, but there are things that do.
Doesn’t mean people who don’t fit my criteria are a lesser sort, just not a good fit for me.

 

[Fullygrownbrat]

And that is fine with some things and not with others, or with some people and not with others and sometimes works in some seasons but not in others.



I’m not quoting your post here to harp on you specifically, but it is a great example of how we sometimes use language about dominants, especially men, that we wouldn’t use about submissives and especially not women.

In my opinion, people get to pick their limits and standards and whatever and I get to opt in or out depending on my limits or standards or whatever and that goes for any type of relationship really.

Switching wouldn’t go on my must have list, but there are things that do.
Doesn’t mean people who don’t fit my criteria are a lesser sort, just not a good fit for me.

I appreciate you not harping. I don’t see anything wrong with the language. To “make” is clearly in reference to play.

He absolutely gets to set his limits. Hence the reason why he chooses not to play a sub and I choose not to attempt to domme him in a way he doesn’t like. As I stated, to me, being tied down is no big deal. To him it is. A no is all it takes from me, but I understood WHY when he explained it instead of just being refused what “I” considered a simple request. Are we not to communicate to further increase trust and understanding?

Further, my Dom is also my husband and our relationship has evolved to this over the years. For me, this is not a random Dom I met at a party and argued over a contract. If something is hurting my husband, I need to understand WHY in order to make sure it doesn’t happen accidentally in the bedroom or daily life. His military service is something I have known about, but not all the nitty gritty until recently, and had he been ready to share that years ago, it would have explained a lot.

I know this community has a lot of toxic shit in it. I am not part of that, I would appreciate it if my language is assumed to be in good faith in the future.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

And that is fine with some things and not with others, or with some people and not with others and sometimes works in some seasons but not in others.

Look, people should never do things they loathe just because someone asks them to. They should do things they loathe because I ask them to.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I appreciate you not harping. I don’t see anything wrong with the language. To “make” is clearly in reference to play.

He absolutely gets to set his limits. Hence the reason why he chooses not to play a sub and I choose not to attempt to domme him in a way he doesn’t like. As I stated, to me, being tied down is no big deal. To him it is. A no is all it takes from me, but I understood WHY when he explained it instead of just being refused what “I” considered a simple request. Are we not to communicate to further increase trust and understanding?

Further, my Dom is also my husband and our relationship has evolved to this over the years. For me, this is not a random Dom I met at a party and argued over a contract. If something is hurting my husband, I need to understand WHY in order to make sure it doesn’t happen accidentally in the bedroom or daily life. His military service is something I have known about, but not all the nitty gritty until recently, and had he been ready to share that years ago, it would have explained a lot.

I know this community has a lot of toxic shit in it. I am not part of that, I would appreciate it if my language is assumed to be in good faith in the future.

It was a bad idea to use your post as an example and I’m sorry you felt attacked. That was not the intention, because I did assume good faith.

I was absolutley not intending to be negative about asking about reasons. I think it is a great idea to try to understand the why behind a limit, because it would be helpful when trying to figure out what else might work or not work for someone.