How to get into BDSM/ sexual relationship

[Katie_wilson]

Hi Everyone! I am a 20F (almost 21) and I have been having issues with getting into BDSM. I have all these fantasies and I watch all these videos and it's the life I want, however sometimes when I get into it, I just have this urge to just back out of all of it. I've done online chats, and videos with guys and I guess you could call it the female version of post nut clarity but once the video call or chat is over I am hit with the "do I actually want to keep doing this?" question. I think one of the issues for me is that most people who reach out to are older than 25 which is older than someone who I would like to date, even if it's online play and that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I would love to be a sub and to date a guy who fits what I want in a guy who just so happens to like being a dom.

so I guess with all that said, if anyone on here is between 20 and 25 and is interested in potentially dating (obviously with BDSM play on the side) then message me. It would be nice if you are looking for a long term relationship but I would also be down for some online/ phone play for a little bit.

 

[PleasureDaddy]

Unfortunately younger (under 30) men most likely don’t have the Dom experience. I was asked to be aggressive by some gfs at that age but it never evolved past spankings and such. I think it was simple inexperience. Plus young men are raised to not ever use force with women so it goes against your upbringing.

 

[emme8]

Katie.

Find friends.
Find people you feel comfortable chatting with.
Then maybe find someone in your area to meet for coffee and NOT sex
Then maybe you can go to a munch or a club.

But continue to date regular people too. You want to learn about yourself and others. Learn what you want outside of the bedroom. Sex is a small part of the day.

Sorry I'm being a mom telling you to take it slow. But there are lots of creeps preying upon sweet young hotties.

BE SAFE

Auntie Em

 

[Katie_wilson]

Thanks Em! that's one of the reasons why I keep backing out and getting back into it because about 95% of the people reaching out are older guys and I am very much "eeeehhhhh most likely no" with them and then they get a little pushy saying "isnt this what you want though". Sounds like what you're saying though is that I need to stop being an introverted work, school, home person. Have any ways for me to get myself out there the old fashioned way in todays world?

 

[HottieOlwen]

Katie.

Find friends.
Find people you feel comfortable chatting with.
Then maybe find someone in your area to meet for coffee and NOT sex
Then maybe you can go to a munch or a club.

But continue to date regular people too. You want to learn about yourself and others. Learn what you want outside of the bedroom. Sex is a small part of the day.

Sorry I'm being a mom telling you to take it slow. But there are lots of creeps preying upon sweet young hotties.

BE SAFE

Auntie Em

What sage advice, emme8! You're not being a mam (sorry, you say mom, we say mam here in Wales), you're being sensible and caring - both of which I would say are essential in a successful bdsm relationship. And I notice that Katie has replied to you. I hope ehe gets what she is seeking.

 

[HottieOlwen]

Thanks Em! that's one of the reasons why I keep backing out and getting back into it because about 95% of the people reaching out are older guys and I am very much "eeeehhhhh most likely no" with them and then they get a little pushy saying "isnt this what you want though". Sounds like what you're saying though is that I need to stop being an introverted work, school, home person. Have any ways for me to get myself out there the old fashioned way in todays world?

Katie, I'm a bit like emma8, and I'm going to chip in. You describe yourself as an introverted work, school, home person. Nothing wrong with that at all. But there isn't one size fits all as far as bdsm is concerned. I'd advise you to go out on dates and find eomeone you like and who you trust. Your experience of pushy older guys is quite typical for newbies to the scene. You mention bdsm and boom! - they're off! Have you heard of munches? Aficionados of the lifestyle meet in vanilla situations and chat. That might be an intro for you. Whatever you decide to do, would it be an imposition to ask you to keep us up to date on your progress? Good luck in your quest.

 

[Dom70]

Please allow an OLD man to make a comment if I may? We men do not mature as fast as the fairer sex. We think with the wrong part of our bodies MOST of the time. With that being said...Auntie Em is on target. Just go out and have FUN at your age! Do the school thing. Work hard..."be normal" and be a kid! TRUST ME...there is PLENTY of time to find yourself, and learn what it IS that you truly desire....as well as...what you may want or need out of the BDSM life. (IF you still want it after getting smart!)
OK...Mom, Mam, and Dad are done with the lectures now! (don't MAKE me spank you ! lol )

 

[Dom70]

That Hottie Olwen peaks the truth! Ya oughta listen to her Katie! Just sayin

 

[emme8]

Thanks Em! that's one of the reasons why I keep backing out and getting back into it because about 95% of the people reaching out are older guys and I am very much "eeeehhhhh most likely no" with them and then they get a little pushy saying "isnt this what you want though". Sounds like what you're saying though is that I need to stop being an introverted work, school, home person. Have any ways for me to get myself out there the old fashioned way in todays world?

When you figure that one, out let me know.


Have fun trying to establish friends among classmates and colleagues.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Have any ways for me to get myself out there the old fashioned way in todays world?

You are in no way alone in being interested in these things.
I’d say look for people you’d be interested in dating and when you do date them, bring up your interests relatively soon and see if there is a shared interest.
No need to throw check lists at them first thing, but find ways to test the waters even if you have to start by joking about some pop culture reference.

There will be a lack of experience but age does not automatically bring experience either. You still need to do things and process and learn from it, to turn it into experience - plenty of time to do that.
Do be sure to learn about safety and require your partner to do the same. It is on everyone involved to make sure that you are all as fully informed as possible. A partners experience shouldn’t change that.

Also, post nut clarity is a thing, regardless of nutlike equipment and everything we think is hot in theory or online isn’t going to be something you want to do/keep doing, so remember that ”No.” is a full sentence.

 

[BetaCuckLoserDeniedPussy]

Hi Everyone! I am a 20F (almost 21) and I have been having issues with getting into BDSM. I have all these fantasies and I watch all these videos and it's the life I want, however sometimes when I get into it, I just have this urge to just back out of all of it. I've done online chats, and videos with guys and I guess you could call it the female version of post nut clarity but once the video call or chat is over I am hit with the "do I actually want to keep doing this?" question. I think one of the issues for me is that most people who reach out to are older than 25 which is older than someone who I would like to date, even if it's online play and that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I would love to be a sub and to date a guy who fits what I want in a guy who just so happens to like being a dom.

so I guess with all that said, if anyone on here is between 20 and 25 and is interested in potentially dating (obviously with BDSM play on the side) then message me. It would be nice if you are looking for a long term relationship but I would also be down for some online/ phone play for a little bit.

Hi Katie. I think it is very significant that you reference "the female version of post nut clarity," because I think that experience is shared by a lot of people, myself included. I often think that BDSM is best left to the imagination. Think about it, what kind of guy really wants to hit a girl, sexually or otherwise? In our fantasies it's all ok, because it only happened in our mind, but once you've actually gotten yourself into a situation with a living human being doing these kinds of things to you, it's a lot more complicated. Your question, "do I actually want to keep doing this?" is coming from an intelligent place inside your mind. Perhaps it would be best to leave BDSM to stories on Literotica, and fantasies in your mind?

 

[BiBunny]

When I got into this at your age, around 19 (we won't say how many years ago that was), there was not much of a community of younger people involved. There were a few of us, but most people into BDSM were older, sometimes much older.

Nowadays, there are more young people involved, which is good. You won't feel so out of place among people who are closer to your age. Or at least, I always felt better among people under 30 back when I was in college.

Munches are a good option. Don't be put off too much by the fact that a lot of people there may be older. You're going there to make friends, not to try to hook up. There are likely to be some younger people there, too, though. Make friends of all ages, and at some point, someone will be like, "Oh, you should meet so-and-so. You'll get along great." And then you may have stumbled your way into meeting a potential partner.

If you don't like the public scene, though, that's fine, too. I was never one who was much for it, myself. You just have to be more careful exploring on your own. Learn all you can about safety, both during play and outside of it. Then, if someone makes you feel uncomfortable by doing things that seem unsafe, you can always bounce.

Know that age does not necessarily equal experience. There are plenty of middle-aged "Doms" online who seek out younger, inexperienced subs because they know anyone with any experience is gonna know they've never touched a flogger before in their lives. And younger Doms may have been playing in real life since they were 18, let's say, so if they're 25 now, they already have way more experience than Mr. Dipshit Dom online who tries to convince you he knows what he's doing because he's half-dead with old age.

But take what everyone, including me, says with a grain of salt. I'm old and grumpy and don't have a lot of respect for online BDSM. But if it works for you, it works for you. It's not for me, in that case.

*Obligatory "Get off my lawn!"*

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I disagree that a man needs to be 30+ to have necessary dom experience. They've never been in a relationship with *you* before.

I second the advice to go to munches and meet people in real life. Colleges sometimes have kink societies, though sadly they often can't be public and easy to find. Fetish fairs often have friendly welcoming events afterwards.

It's really good that you've noticed how some guys get pushy and try to tell you it's what you want. There's a lot of that about. I maintain that it's easier to teach a decent guy what you like in the bedroom, than to turn a sexy arsehole into a decent human being! Don't mistake pushiness for dominance just because the dom says they know what they're doing.

I'd also advise not mistaking you wanting dominance for you actually wanting someone else to take over and do all the adulting. It's OK to want that - we all have times when we just want to be told what to do and be looked after, and magically getting it is a great fantasy, but it's not sustainable in an actual adult relationship.

The ongoing domestic relationships with BDSM I see lasting, tend to define carefully what parameters dom/sub will sit in, what top/bottom stuff may happen and when and where, and be first and foremost a relationship. Just with extra bells and whistles.

Good luck and have fun!

 

[IrisAlthea]

I'd also advise not mistaking you wanting dominance for you actually wanting someone else to take over and do all the adulting. It's OK to want that - we all have times when we just want to be told what to do and be looked after, and magically getting it is a great fantasy, but it's not sustainable in an actual adult relationship.

This.

 

[Strixaluco]

One more vote to munches. Not only for the possibly finding a partner, but also for finding support if things go wrong - or if you're just confused and wondering. Having friends that understand bdsm can make all the difference, and that alone is reason enough to go. They might even have informative theme evenings. And being new and shy is nothing new there. Here we remind newcomers that staying silent is ok, too.

Now as for young doms, at least around here they seem to be in short supply, so you might need to "grow your own" from a seemingly vanilla guy. Then again there are more of those irresponsible wanna-be-doms who know don't care about SSC or RACK (if you don't know them, please look those up). That happens in all age groups. Not all inexperienced ones are irresponsible, one should simply be careful and find out in advance, as many things that have be one common (like choking) have risks.

The "do I actually want to keep doing this?" may come from different things. I almost invariably get that from sex-only relationships, they leave me empty. Even worse if one is lured into doing things that go too far - at least right in that moment, with that person and with the experience so far. And online you tend to be left without proper aftercare. It's not uncommon for subs to end up thinking "I should not want or enjoy these things", especially if you experience a sub drop. Aftercare should make sub drops less common and less severe, and let you handle your feelings. (Dom drops exist, too, and Doms often need to feel they aren't awful despite what they just did during the session.)

I wonder if you have stopped to think of your limits and wants. A good, experienced Dom should take care of discussing those. An dom saying it's not needed is a red flag! An unexperienced one might not yet know to do this - it's always best to take care of it yourself as well. I suggest you list for yourself things that interest you, that you really want/need, and also things you're not interested in, and those you don't agree to even try. For now, that is, as that will evolve over time. Include vanilla things, too! Things like cuddling and intercourse are not self-evident in bdsm (heck, my late husband was vanilla and I still starved without enough cuddles). You likely won't find someone with exactly similar list. For example my Dom gave away spanking because my pain tolerance is non-existent - but it wasn't the thing he most wanted, either. And then I introduced him to cuddling as I absolutely need it (and turns out he actually had a huge deficit that took months to cure.) But before meeting him, my hard limit list in Fetlife grew by almost every message I got from men, by things I hadn't even thought of...

Anyway, having a love relationship and bdsm in the same is indeed the best thing. Maybe not for the all, but for me and many others. And you need to think which are the crucial things.

Oh and btw, if you realise you'd actually like being the little in a relationship and the man to be a Daddy, there's also the DDlg-phenomena. It won't save you from adulting on a daily basis (there's work and such, possibly kids too who need their parents), but there are people who like a child-like mind in their partners, and it can actually last when both like it that way.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Having friends that understand bdsm can make all the difference, and that alone is reason enough to go.

Yup.

It's not uncommon for subs to end up thinking "I should not want or enjoy these things", especially if you experience a sub drop.

Yes, those exciting brain chemicals are great at getting you into things you can then have fun questioning and picking apart at 3 am.

it's always best to take care of it yourself as well.

These are all great points, but I think this last one is super important.
Read up on safety and if they don’t bring it up, you do.
Be ready and have some ideas about how to do your own aftercare if they don’t or don’t know you well enough to find what works for you.

 

[Andreas_Kreuz]

The "do I actually want to keep doing this?" to me sounds like sub drop. You say it happens after online sessions, so that could be the cause.

One of the best signs for a good dom is if he is patient. Submitting requires trust and that needs time to grow.

At your age dating someone over 30 might seem gross, but I believe your chance of finding someone to teach you the ropes is higher if you expand the age bracket.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

This thread is a good example of why I like the lit forum, you’re getting very good advice from experienced women who are well respected and caring.

I‘ll add two things because they don’t seem to have been explicitly mentioned.

Firstly trust your gut, you sound like you have a good feel of who you are, don’t doubt yourself.

Secondly don’t be in a hurry, it’s advice I give to most people of your age, there’s a lot to savor in life and there is very little reason to rush anything.

 

[emme8]

At your age dating someone over 30 might seem gross, but I believe your chance of finding someone to teach you the ropes is higher if you expand the age bracket.

One of the benefits of an older man is their recovery time between their ejactuating orgasms starts to lengthen.
They might start to spend more time focused on you and your pleasure. And the ratio orgasms may start to go in your favor also.

if a guy is capable of having 8 great ones in a night he doesn't necessarily take his time and savor each one.
Once he can only have 2, he's going to learn to take his time. That is a huge benefit to his partner.

 

[cocktaildress21]

I'm going to come straight out and say something ..... eh, prejudist but predominantly true here: Don't do BDSM with males under .... 30, maybe? Just, seriously, let their frontal lobes grow fully, then wait for them to learn. I'm not kidding. BDSM with someone who's all eagerness, zero experience, is just not worth it.

 

[IrisAlthea]

eh, prejudist but predominantly true here: Don't do BDSM with males under .... 30, maybe?

I think ”sexist” is the word you are looking for.

 

[cocktaildress21]

I think ”sexist” is the word you are looking for.

I really don't think it is. Actually, I think I nailed it bang on with prejudist. Or ... maybe not, maybe it's really prejudized? But near enough.

Let me explain: If men, and women, were the same, and I treated them differently - that would be sexist.

But they're not. I'm not sure if you've heard about this, but men have dicks, their frontal lobes don't meet until they're 25 or so, and they're fuelled by this thing called testosterone. It's a wonderful thing, this testosterone - but it also affects their behavoir in ways that may not always be ... strictly desirable. For instance, young men WILDLY outclass absolutely everyone when it comes to getting themselves killed in traffic or stupid sports.

So there are differences. They are real. Speaking of them does not make me sexist.

Now, let's look at prejudice. Prejudice is all about ... thinking all A are B, when they're really not. Like, if I'd said that only men drive stupidly enough to kill themselves young, that would be prejudiced. Because while most of such accidents are with an XY chromo behind the wheel - it's not all.

But I did say avoid BDSM with males under 30. All males. And that's ... too harsh, maybe. I certainly still stand by the recommendation, but I'm sure there's a sweet 24yo softie out there somewhere who'll be dominant, and is turned on by all kinds of stuff he hasn't tried yet - but still has the intelligence and foresight (despite the frontal lobes thing) to not accidentally overstep any boundaries or get anyone hurt. Or maybe he's lucky.

And anyways the dangers of BDSM are ... managable. It's not like we're swimming with sharks or anything. Still, nonewithstanding: Pick an experienced and aware partner, not an enthusiastic amateur. That first time with a crop? Do it with someone who knows how. It stings really rather considerably, and it leaves scars if done by someone with more eagerness than sense.

 

[seela]

How do men become experienced if no one is supposed to BDSM with inexperienced men under 30? They just suddenly get all BDSM knowledge when their frontal lobes meet?

 

[BiBunny]

How do men become experienced if no one is supposed to BDSM with inexperienced men under 30? They just suddenly get all BDSM knowledge when their frontal lobes meet?

No kidding.

If someone isn't experienced, they can always learn. It can be interesting learning together, too.

You just have to be careful, is all.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Let me explain: If men, and women, were the same, and I treated them differently - that would be sexist.

No, see ”predominantly” is the operative word here.
Sexism is judgeing people on what is perceived as predominantly true about that gender.

There are boatloads of things that I think are predominantly true about women, that I neither want to be expected to conform with nor judged by.

As for the science of frontal lobes, it is worth to remember that people have been able to function as adults at way younger ages for most of the time humanity has toddled about.
I’d also like to remind you of our hormones and hysteria that make us totally irrational and unsuitable to vote etc…
Theinterpretation of science, even hard science, is still interpreted by humans through their own cultural lens.

As for statistics, they tell us absolutely nothing about whether Steve, 22 years young, is more likely to die in a traffic accident he caused, than you or I.
If we have to go by statistics, since time spent driving, is still the most important factor, I wouldn’t be shocked if it was me. Cue obligatory ”I’m an excellent driver.” and ”Get off my lawn!”

If you had to take a wild guess about who is a safe partner, statistics might be of some use.
In actual life, you are better off finding out if Steve (22) has been doing dark and interesting stuff in the bedroom since he was legally allowed and if James (52) just divorced and is keen to try everything he feels he missed out on by marrying young and not ”getting” his crazy, reckless youth years, he now feels entitled to.