How to get into BDSM/ sexual relationship

[Strixaluco]

In actual life, you are better off finding out if Steve (22) has been doing dark and interesting stuff in the bedroom since he was legally allowed and if James (52) just divorced and is keen to try everything he feels he missed out on by marrying young and not ”getting” his crazy, reckless youth years, he now feels entitled to.

And whether the said men understand consensuality, are aware of risks and are decent human beings in general. It seems like some handle that even as young and some never start to care.

Wanting to try out stuff you've seen in porn and not finding about safe ways to make it reality is sadly common even in older groups.

 

[cocktaildress21]

How do men become experienced if no one is supposed to BDSM with inexperienced men under 30?

Well - it's possible to gain experience after the age of 30. Or to learn with someone more experienced (which is not the case in this thread, right?). Or by bumbling about, or - maybe - getting lucky.

But it's beside the point. My advice for the OP is to start with someone that knows what they're doing. How the poor newlings under 30 get to no longer be newlings is ... not important, and off-topic.

You just have to be careful, is all.

Precisely. By going with someone who knows what they're doing.

No, see ”predominantly” is the operative word here.
Sexism is judgeing people on what is perceived as predominantly true about that gender.

There are boatloads of things that I think are predominantly true about women, that I neither want to be expected to conform with nor judged by.

As for the science of frontal lobes, it is worth to remember that people have been able to function as adults at way younger ages for most of the time humanity has toddled about.
I’d also like to remind you of our hormones and hysteria that make us totally irrational and unsuitable to vote etc…
Theinterpretation of science, even hard science, is still interpreted by humans through their own cultural lens.

As for statistics, they tell us absolutely nothing about whether Steve, 22 years young, is more likely to die in a traffic accident he caused, than you or I.
If we have to go by statistics, since time spent driving, is still the most important factor, I wouldn’t be shocked if it was me. Cue obligatory ”I’m an excellent driver.” and ”Get off my lawn!”

If you had to take a wild guess about who is a safe partner, statistics might be of some use.
In actual life, you are better off finding out if Steve (22) has been doing dark and interesting stuff in the bedroom since he was legally allowed and if James (52) just divorced and is keen to try everything he feels he missed out on by marrying young and not ”getting” his crazy, reckless youth years, he now feels entitled to.

So ... many ... assumptions. I don't even know where to start. Well, I can start by saying you're creating a fantasy to support your argument, in defiance of ... you know, known science fact. But I'll grant you, it's not impossible. It's just tailored to suit you. So ...

On frontal lobes: Yes. In earlier times, young men did the same stupid stuff, and it ... went the way history tells us. Teenagers by their innumerable thousands were sent off to die in wars, and they were good soldiers because you could tell them inane stuff like 'victory is assured, for GOD is on our side' and they'd rush into cannon fire in some of the most incredible displays of horrifying and pointless loss of life imaginable. History isn't on your side.

Sexism is NOT about what is predominantly true. Overall, women are better drivers than men - although substantially worse at parking - and that's a measurable fact, and not sexist. Now, telling me I'm bad at parking but good at driving because that's statistically true for women is prejudiced - but it's still not sexist, even if we're moving from a general to a personal level. Your love of accusing others of sexism simply doesn't allow you to ignore what is factually true.

Telling me I should be paid less for the same job as a man, because I'm a woman, and inherently worse at my job, and thus worth less - that's sexist. Telling me I should stay home, raise children, keep house and cook - that's sexist.

And whether the said men understand consensuality, are aware of risks and are decent human beings in general. It seems like some handle that even as young and some never start to care.

Wanting to try out stuff you've seen in porn and not finding about safe ways to make it reality is sadly common even in older groups.

I saw a survey. Students at highschool and university levels, and how they interpreted consent. Guess what? They ... have ... no ... clue. Or, about 70% of them didn't.

 

[Strixaluco]

I saw a survey. Students at highschool and university levels, and how they interpreted consent. Guess what? They ... have ... no ... clue. Or, about 70% of them didn't.

And what about the survey on middle-aged men? I don't believe they do much better.

It's all about finding the 30%.

 

[seela]

Well - it's possible to gain experience after the age of 30. Or to learn with someone more experienced (which is not the case in this thread, right?). Or by bumbling about, or - maybe - getting lucky.

But it's beside the point. My advice for the OP is to start with someone that knows what they're doing. How the poor newlings under 30 get to no longer be newlings is ... not important, and off-topic.

Precisely. By going with someone who knows what they're doing.

Phrasing your advice as “start with someone who knows what they’re doing” is completely fair. Stating that the person should be over 30 is a bit of a reach if that’s what your message is.

Age does not automatically equal safety and age does not automatically equal experience, not in any sex.

OP has stated that they’re not comfortable with people much older than they are, so telling them they should pick someone over 30 hardly seems helpful and on topic, either.


I guess my advice to the OP would be to find a person you feel comfortable with, as a person first and foremost. Someone who you trust and can talk about these things with. Then take it slow. Read up on safety, both of you. Talk about what you’ve learned. Like was pointed out in an earlier post, it’s not like we’re diving with sharks here (at least not always), and it’s completely possible to mitigate risks by educating yourself.

Finding a person who’s close to your age is possible, been there, done that. It’s about compatibility.

 

[cocktaildress21]

And what about the survey on middle-aged men? I don't believe they do much better.

It's all about finding the 30%.

I do believe most men above a certain age have a substantially better grasp of it. You wanna know why? Because young men form a lot of their understanding of sexual dynamics from porn! And while that's also partially true for all the rest of man-dom, it's less so.

It's a belief, tho. I have no data to back it up.

OP has stated that they’re not comfortable with people much older than they are, so telling them they should pick someone over 30 hardly seems helpful and on topic, either.

That's nonsense. If the topic here was 'I like vanilla - discuss' ... it would be 100% on topic to reply 'I like chocolate.' It's an entirely valid opinion, and - IMO - positively solid advice. Do not go into BDSM with an overeager post-teenager. It'll turn sour, you'll regret it. Do not. If you must, wait until you're 30 then.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Teenagers by their innumerable thousands were sent off to die in wars, and they were good soldiers because you could tell them inane stuff like 'victory is assured, for GOD is on our side' and they'd rush into cannon fire in some of the most incredible displays of horrifying and pointless loss of life imaginable.

Yes. It’s funny how they needed to get sent, either with draft, poverty or doctrine as motivator. You’d think their lacking brain maturity would have been enough.

Also funny that those wars were usually started by the older and more mature people.

History isn't on your side

Well, we are still here…
Good enough for me.

Telling me I should be paid less for the same job as a man, because I'm a woman, and inherently worse at my job, and thus worth less - that's sexist.

Yes it would be.
Assuming that you will get pregnant sooner or later and be absent more than a male employee in the same situation would, would actually be statistically reasonable though or predominantly true if you prefer.
Acting on it would still be sexist as you are n=1 of you and should be treated as such - not part of a group that has more variety within the group than it has to other groups.

Sexism is NOT about what is predominantly true

Except when it is. See above.

you know, known science fact

Yes.
You might want to review that study again.
It talks about at what age peoples brain developement plateaus, not at what age they are reasonably responsible and while there is a gender difference, the individual variation eclipses it and is way more relevant in partner search.
Based on the same study as you used against younger men, you should also recommed that OP steer clear of younger people with ADHD, by the way.

 

[BiBunny]

I love how it's assumed that all these dudes over 30 are wise and experienced. All you have to do is watch your PMs to see the myriad of messages from middle-aged "Doms" who've never done anything even remotely related to BDSM in real life.

 

[cocktaildress21]

Assuming that you will get pregnant sooner or later and be absent more than a male employee in the same situation would, would actually be statistically reasonable though or predominantly true if you prefer.
Acting on it would still be sexist as you are n=1 of you and should be treated as such - not part of a group that has more variety within the group than it has to other groups.

But .. that is not sexist. Although I'll grant it's a very popular feminist claim.

It is problematic. And it's a clear equal rights issue. But it's frankly moronic to look at something that's inherited from way back when - from a time when workers rights weren't a thing at all, when women weren't allowed in the workspace basically, something that's problematic in part because it's by no means clear how it should be solved and by whom, who pays for it - to just look at that, and cry out in outrage "LOOK, ANOTHER EVIL THING MEN ARE DOING TO WOMEN!'

It's delusional. Sorry.

But yes, it should be resolved. To my mind, there needs to be a government fund, into which all wage earners and all companies pay some percentage, and which is then used to even out to income deficit women pick up for having children and being away from work, less eligible for promotion, and so on.

But it's not ... sexist.

 

[Primalex]

you know, known science fact

Unfortunately your knowledge about science facts merely reaches Cosmopolitan level.

Your brain development science facts come from the study: Structural Magnetic Resonance Imaging of the Adolescent Brain

The study, by the way, finds that men have more gray brain matter and more white brain matter, frontal, temporal and parietal than women - at every age. So, it's science that your brain is inferior to my brain.

 

[IrisAlthea]

But it's not ... sexist

Interesting rant aside, I find it fascinating that someone willing to claim prejudice is so unwilling to accept sexism:

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sexism



I find it especially confusing, since you don’t seem to view yourself as a feminist.

Personally I prefer being judged based on my own merits, rather than those of some group I might be sorted into and I try to extend the same courtesy to others.
You do of course do you.

 

[Badguy4u]

Hi Everyone! I am a 20F (almost 21) and I have been having issues with getting into BDSM. I have all these fantasies and I watch all these videos and it's the life I want, however sometimes when I get into it, I just have this urge to just back out of all of it. I've done online chats, and videos with guys and I guess you could call it the female version of post nut clarity but once the video call or chat is over I am hit with the "do I actually want to keep doing this?" question. I think one of the issues for me is that most people who reach out to are older than 25 which is older than someone who I would like to date, even if it's online play and that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I would love to be a sub and to date a guy who fits what I want in a guy who just so happens to like being a dom.

so I guess with all that said, if anyone on here is between 20 and 25 and is interested in potentially dating (obviously with BDSM play on the side) then message me. It would be nice if you are looking for a long term relationship but I would also be down for some online/ phone play for a little bit.

You might want to identify whereabouts you live so they know whether it's worth contacting you. Good luck!

 

[cocktaildress21]

Interesting rant aside, I find it fascinating that someone willing to claim prejudice is so unwilling to accept sexism:

I'm just explaining a common misconception to you =)

Or rather, I'm explaining why a common pattern of though is derailed and mistaken - according to me. I'm not a feminist, feminism is just sexism directed at men. I'm pro-equality, so I don't join any of the sides that try to push their agenda over others. Simple, yes? =)

Iris, this is the third or fourth time you resort to personal attacks. I don't tolerate that on the internet, so ... this is goodbye. Have a nice life, and see you never.

 

[Strixaluco]

Weird take on feminism.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Weird take on feminism.

I would actually agree that I do see feminists using arguments that are blatantly sexist against men in my opinion (and women too really in a weird, backhanded way), way more than I’d like.

I tend to blame it on the individual, rather than changing my view of the concept.
To me that would mean letting them hijack it.

The fact that I see the idea of dismissing younger adult men categorically as suggested here, as exactly that type of reasoning is part of what made me speak up in the first place and what I found fascinatingly incongruent.

The other reason I wanted to speak up is that I think we are already marginalizing and infantilizing younger adults in general but especially men in our society.
I think it is just plain wrong and also causing a lot of issues in society that we are only seeing the beginning of yet.

 

[cocktaildress21]

Weird take on feminism.

No it isn't.

Let me tell you something: Either feminism is about getting what's fair for everyone - or it's part of the problem. And the problem isn't men/women, it's inequality and preferential treatment.

Here in Denmark, just last week, the leader of Kvinfo - the largest feminist grassroots movement, as far as I know - was asked whether women should serve in the army. Her answer was that 'it's certainly not a no-brainer'. Meaning, very precisely, that she only wants equality when it suits her. She wants more women in the board rooms, and she wants more men to be nurses. But women in the army? Oh hell no!

That ... is part of the problem. Not a solution to anything.

 

[Strixaluco]

I would actually agree that I do see feminists using arguments that are blatantly sexist against men in my opinion (and women too really in a weird, backhanded way), way more than I’d like.

I tend to blame it on the individual, rather than changing my view of the concept.
To me that would mean letting them hijack it.

The fact that I see the idea of dismissing younger adult men categorically as suggested here, as exactly that type of reasoning is part of what made me speak up in the first place and what I found fascinatingly incongruent.

The other reason I wanted to speak up is that I think we are already marginalizing and infantilizing younger adults in general but especially men in our society.
I think it is just plain wrong and also causing a lot of issues in society that we are only seeing the beginning of yet.

I agree - inviduals calling themselves feminists may do and argument with things that cannot even be deduced from the basic the basic feministic idea.

But feminism is, at its base, simply 2 things: thinking that women and men should be equal, and thinking that this is not yet reality in the society, but women are oppressed.

 

[Strixaluco]

No it isn't.

Let me tell you something: Either feminism is about getting what's fair for everyone - or it's part of the problem. And the problem isn't men/women, it's inequality and preferential treatment.

Here in Denmark, just last week, the leader of Kvinfo - the largest feminist grassroots movement, as far as I know - was asked whether women should serve in the army. Her answer was that 'it's certainly not a no-brainer'. Meaning, very precisely, that she only wants equality when it suits her. She wants more women in the board rooms, and she wants more men to be nurses. But women in the army? Oh hell no!

That ... is part of the problem. Not a solution to anything.

Would you want the whole Christian belief be viewed as a problem because of what some christians, even complete sects do? Or perhaps you would say that PEOPLE are the problem and now a solution to anything, as people do stuff like that, often wanting ideals only when it suits them. Many people with pretty much any single ideal in the world. People are not perfect and they are often problematic, it doesn't mean the ideal itself is a problem.

Feminism at it's core is simple, see my comment above.

 

[Strixaluco]

But I think we should indeed get back to the original question.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Here in Denmark, just last week, the leader of Kvinfo - the largest feminist grassroots movement, as far as I know - was asked whether women should serve in the army. Her answer was that 'it's certainly not a no-brainer'. Meaning, very precisely, that she only wants equality when it suits her. She wants more women in the board rooms, and she wants more men to be nurses. But women in the army? Oh hell no!

That ... is part of the problem. Not a solution to anything.

I’d say if conscription, then for everyone.
Sorting can be done at the individual level, based on fitness for the job.

But I think we should indeed get back to the original question.

OP might be buried in their inbox though.

 

[Strixaluco]

OP might be buried in their inbox though.

Unfortunately, yes.

 

[cocktaildress21]

But I think we should indeed get back to the original question.

I disagree with you on feminism - women are not oppressed, there is ongoing change to equal out what differences there are, but it takes time. And it takes someone to actually address the child bearing thing. But it's already moving, and most of the change has already taken place. BY FAR the most weighty issues have long since been resolved. In .. this part of the world.

Anyways, back to BDSM.

 

[Primalex]

women are not oppressed

Donald Trump and Hibatullah Akhundzada agree.

 

[MichiganBiker27]

How do men become experienced if no one is supposed to BDSM with inexperienced men under 30? They just suddenly get all BDSM knowledge when their frontal lobes meet?

BDSM, so easy a caveman can do it

 

[Cowgirl_Roos]

I tried to get hubby into it but no matter what I did he is not interested
Lately I am just happy if we have sex
But sometimes I wish he would be more like the boyfriend before him
Before we split up he discovered that he loves to spank me and we would have explored even more when he wasn’t an ass…. in having a relationship and talking about feelings and other things

 

[Purple_Fronds]

I tried to get hubby into it but no matter what I did he is not interested
Lately I am just happy if we have sex
But sometimes I wish he would be more like the boyfriend before him
Before we split up he discovered that he loves to spank me and we would have explored even more when he wasn’t an ass…. in having a relationship and talking about feelings and other things

So getting rid of the ass saved your ass? that‘s a shame hopefully there are some spankings in your future.