PSA 2: A Message for New Subs

[Goldenfinger]

Okay, so. I wouldn't normally have posted here at all as this is a space for new subs to support each other. I only posted as I was invited to by @InCNCestBangPie who created it. I'm only posting here again as she shouldn't have to do all the heavy lifting of defending what I said without my lifting a finger.

As we've established, context is everything and posting a direct quote from a PM conversation without any adjustments clearly wasn't the best idea I've ever had. We were talking about guys barging into people's inboxes expecting submission out of the gate without any introduction or conversation.

Obviously Dom's and subs exist on a spectrum and everyone needs to find the partner that's right for them. What I was saying is that people wading in expecting nothing but subservience because they say they're a sub don't understand the nature of what the relationship entails. That was it.

Unfortunately too many people get their ideas from what the see in extreme domination porn.

 

[Goldenfinger]

Just a reminder to subs that your boundaries and feelings are valid. Anyone who tries to gaslight or bully past those clearly laid out boundaries is very much undeserving of your time. Yes, even if you & your Dom/potential Dom have being chatting for a while. A red flag is a red flag and you should protect yourself. You owe it to yourself.

Thank you for writing the truth. People really need to know. Submissive's here get bombarded with so much unrealistic domination that they might think that’s how it is. We appreciate you and want you to know people are listening. It’s an uphill battle but most good ones are. Just try not to get jaded along the way. You owe that to yourself.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

Thank you for writing the truth. People really need to know. Submissive's here get bombarded with so much unrealistic domination that they might think that’s how it is. We appreciate you and want you to know people are listening. It’s an uphill battle but most good ones are.

thank you so very much!

Just try not to get jaded along the way. You owe that to yourself.

Thank you most of all for this. That feels like a losing battle, I must admit. If nothing else, hopefully the posts will remain even if I have to exit. It's all good .

 

[Goldenfinger]

thank you so very much!

Thank you most of all for this. That feels like a losing battle, I must admit. If nothing else, hopefully the posts will remain even if I have to exit. It's all good .

Im sorry if you feel that you may need to exit. Remember in a place like this you don’t get to see the wins but they are there. A while ago I made a comment that you read and for what ever reason you must of thought I was being hard on myself and you replied and said something nice. So I know for a fact that you have made someone smile. I’m also sure others have benefited from your wisdom.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

Im sorry if you feel that you may need to exit. Remember in a place like this you don’t get to see the wins but they are there. A while ago I made a comment that you read and for what ever reason you must of thought I was being hard on myself and you replied and said something nice. So I know for a fact that you have made someone smile. I’m also sure others have benefited from your wisdom.

Thank you for your encouragement. That's very nice of you.

 

[Bright_eyes_boy]

I agree with everything you said. Both concepts need to be understood as more than just titles or labels. Just like any interaction, or dynamic, respect and knowledge of the other person are key elements of a healthy play. Or relationship for that matter.
There is no two ways about it, the real Dom is the sub, but that fact should be well hidden in the role.
The main concern for both is to fully grasp what makes the other person a Dom/me or a sub. What puts them in that space comfortably and with trust.
Playing can be seen as an experience rather than a deliberate mistreatment of a person. As a sub, you want to trust the other person can make you feel submissive properly and in the realm that puts you in that position without thought or effort.
For the Dom, they need to know they can get an exciting response from the sub in the realm that makes them occupy that Dom position without feeling out of place.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Okay, so. I wouldn't normally have posted here at all as this is a space for new subs to support each other. I only posted as I was invited to by @InCNCestBangPie who created it. I'm only posting here again as she shouldn't have to do all the heavy lifting of defending what I said without my lifting a finger.

I think there can be value in having a space where you can hang out with people who are like you and have the same type of experience and/or opinions.
It can feel good and safe and you get to vent a bit. Nothing wrong with that.
I don’t think it is the most helpful type of group though, when it comes to learning and evolving, because I think we all need input from different people with different experience and view points.

So while I don’t agree with what you posted, I certainly think it sparked a good discussion and brought up different perspectives - good things in my book and not something that requires any defending since there doesn’t have to be ”one truth”.
Disagreement isn’t dangerous.

I didn’t want to leave this hanging, coming back to post something in the thread as I think it would be sad I people would refrain from posting here, if they have something to say on the topic.
It would make the thread less helpful in my opinion.

 

[IrisAlthea]

This is something I have thought about for a while and have debated posting and if so where to post.
It came up again out here in real life, so I guess I’m posting and I think this is where it might be most helpful.

Discomfort is not the same as danger.

I see people conflating the two and I think it keeps them from standing up for themselves and setting boundaries and even from communicating clearly at times.

By treating behaviour and situations that make you uncomfortable as if they were dangerous, you actually give them a power they do not deserve and run the risk of them taking a turn for the worse.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

22 male here, is this the place to find a Dom/domme?

Not this particular thread, no.
You can post an ad in the BDSM Personals. Though, it looks like you've done a shit ton of posting already for your 1st day. Just add an ad in the Personals to your long list.

 

[OldroundmaninTx62]

Hi you beautiful submissives out there (of all genders) .
With so many new subs entering our Lit space each day, I thought this might be some good advice to share. Consider this Part II of my other PSA: Dom ≠ Asshole.

While I consider myself a switch, enjoying both the role of Domme & sub, I'm a sub at heart.
If all this online play has taught me anything, it's that my submission has to be earned. Additionally, while being under someone else's control and receiving degradation from them (a preference of mine, but not all D/s relationships require degradation) is nice & hot, it very much means nothing if there is no trust involved & if I'm not taken into consideration as a general person. Don't get me wrong, I want to be nothing more than a human fleshlight at times, but at the foundation of that, my online partner has to still respect me.

I said all this to say that, no, you don't want any and every thing your Dom/Domme wants without any regard to your wants and needs.
When I see some subs stating that they simply want to take whatever their Dom gives & that they have no real wants, needs, limits, thoughts, & feelings beyond that...well, it reads like the musings of an amateur sub.
You need to establish trust with a Dom/Domme & ensure that they genuinely respect you & your submission before you let them take full control of the reins.
My kinks are certainly darker & more taboo in nature, but even in that, trust & respect have to exist first before we can properly delve into those things; and certainly before you assume you can throw my kinks in my face ad nauseam. "You like being a slut, so I'll treat you like a faceless bitch." Yeah no, fuck that. I get to say when things progress into darker territory once I'm comfortable.
Your comfort, consent, & yes, opinions, are so paramount as a sub.
Now go forth & please your Doms/Dommes that are worthy of your submission. If they treat you any less than what you 100% want out of the dynamic, correct them or move on.

AMEN SISTER! Well phrased and thought out. Happy hunting!