Asking for what you want versus topping from the bottom?

[emme8]

I had a great date with my Dom last night. Great, but I still want more.

I need to apologize to everyone for everytime I said submission is about service their needs. Or true submission is more about the Dom then the sub. I still feel that for LTR and sub that would cheat on a spouse in order to submit.

I give that kind of submission to Hubby. I choose to enjoy the less kinky sex when that is what he is in the mood for and I very much enjoy topping him when the dynamics switch that way in our marriage.

The problem is. I had 4 dates with the Dom and last night it felt so much less BDSM. I did get spanked, and paddled. The flogger was out but not used. And tickled with a Wartenberg wheel. (shouldn't they hurt not tickle?)

Please tell me it's ok to ask for more. I want to be a good sub, but I also want to have my limits pushed harder

 

[BiBunny]

Yes, it's ok to ask for more, as long as you realize it's up to the Dom/me whether he/she gives you more. I don't mean that in a "Dom/mes always come first" way, but in a "Dom/mes' comfort zones are important, too" way.

I think if you pick a time that's not while you're playing to talk to him, and you ask politely, it's perfectly OK to say you would like more. It's his prerogative to say yes or no to that. If you have an idea of some suggestions of things you'd like to try, that might help, too. He may just be going easy on you at first to help ease you into it, and he's not going to know through osmosis that you want more. You'll have to tell him.

Also, as an aside, in my experience, Wartenburg wheels are more tingly than painful.

 

[LadyElsbeth]

Yes, it's ok to ask for more, as long as you realize it's up to the Dom/me whether he/she gives you more. I don't mean that in a "Dom/mes always come first" way, but in a "Dom/mes' comfort zones are important, too" way.

I think if you pick a time that's not while you're playing to talk to him, and you ask politely, it's perfectly OK to say you would like more. It's his prerogative to say yes or no to that. If you have an idea of some suggestions of things you'd like to try, that might help, too. He may just be going easy on you at first to help ease you into it, and he's not going to know through osmosis that you want more. You'll have to tell him.

Also, as an aside, in my experience, Wartenburg wheels are more tingly than painful.

I agree with BiBunny. Choose a time that is not "playtime" to discuss what you are looking for in your experiences with your DOM. That does not mean that he/she will have a checklist to go through at your next encounter. What it does is set the boundaries and expectations of what type of experiences you are trying to achieve and are looking for. He/She may not know you were disappointed and had other expectations unless you expressly told them.

Dom does not equate being a mind reader. You need to openly communicate your needs. Just as I am sure you would want them to express their own to you so you can meet their needs. Best of luck and don't give up. It just takes communication.

 

[emme8]

Thanks.

I did talk with him for a bit last night.

We decided I might act a bit of a brat. Not a common role for me to play. But it would establish the need for the discipline and punishment. Maybe even push it into a little resistance for sex, giving him the opportunity to over power me.

Monday night I was so eager to please I kinda denied him the chance at discipline or to be rough.

It seems there were a few things that distracted and disrupted the atmosphere. So maybe we can handle those too.

 

[AnnieLit]

RE the Wartenberg wheel: for me, when used the right way, it alternates between tingly and painful. It really depends on the body part and how much pressure is applied. Mixing both up is fun. Staying still (not restrained, but still on my own) on the ticklish parts is a challenge in itself.

Talk to him about it so he knows that it is ok to go harder. He might still throw in a tickling part here and there, but at least he will know that it's ok not to stop at that.

As for your general complaint, you need to decide what exactly you want. You listed two activities and the third that was planned, but didn't happen. What works best for you? Set time? (Any sort of pain play for 30 min) Set intensity? (Get me to the edge of what I can take and keep me there for a bit) Or is it the variety that you are seeking? (Let's try to do at least 4 D/s activities per session). All of these are pretty legitimate approaches, and I am sure there are other ways to structure it that I didn't think about. You just need to talk to Him about which one works best for you and which ones you would like to avoid. For me personally it is more important to avoid the "this is not working" parts, rather than to get to the "this works the best" one. I mean, sure, the best one is great, but if this is not attainable, let's settle on something in between.

 

[AnnieLit]

My wife (D) handles this by giving me "the right to be heard." I may ask, or suggest, anything I want, respectfully. It is not something that continues on unless she has questions. It is not begging, persuasion, or making an argument. It's asking once.

She decides what, if anything, to do with the request, and that's that. This is the norm in our relationship, whether about sex or other things she has an interest in.

Sounds like an ideal relationship! You get to ask for what you want/need and you are secure enough to be sure that you were heard the first time and no reminders are needed.

Just out of curiosity: how often would you say these asks are acted upon? Almost always? 50/50? Did the ratio change as time goes by and you better understand each other?

 

[emme8]

Y'all are correct. I need to decide what I want and ask for it. I think I will make a long list of things I want. Like my top 5 or 10. Maybe write out some short fantasies. Then he knows exactly what I like, but I am not specifically saying do this to me.

I need to take him out to lunch or something or talk things over.

 

[AnnieLit]

Y'all are correct. I need to decide what I want and ask for it. I think I will make a long list of things I want. Like my top 5 or 10. Maybe write out some short fantasies. Then he knows exactly what I like, but I am not specifically saying do this to me.

I need to take him out to lunch or something or talk things over.

Have you done the list thing? There is a looong list of all possible activities and you get to mark them with both how much experience you have with them and whether or not you like them. It is always a good idea for both sides to fill this in and compare notes as you both need to know each other interests and limits. Since you are a switch, you probably will have to fill it in twice, at least the experience part, or put it in comments that you have an experience with this or that, but only on the D side.

Of course, this doesn't resolve the general style question - how far to go? How to know when to stop is usually discussed, but how to know when this is not enough ? How many things to try on a given day?

 

[emme8]

Thank you Annie

 

[AlwaysInTrouble]

Part of punishment or pain play is exploring limits, so I’m kind of surprised he didn’t push yours and “left you hanging “. Everyone is different, Doms included, though. In addition to the excellent replies about open communication, I think it would be fine to express your desire for more during your Play, either verbally (More! Give More! Harder!)or in other ways. Another way to incorporate that is to use Stoplight Pulse checks where Green is “More”, Yellow is “Here” and Red is “Stop Immediately “. Regardless, sounds like you’re having fun and growing as a Sub!

 

[Goldenfinger]

Me and my wife communicate about everything. We know each other well. She knows what I like before i do. I have but I don’t usually ask, I hint. But I was informed that she’s on to my little game.

 

[emme8]

I use the stoplight system. Yes it's great.

It isn't the intensity of the pain play. It's more the fact I don't feel my limits are being pushed.