Who sets the boundaries?

[cocktaildress21]

Have you ever had a dominant state - as if it were their god given right: Well, you're the submissive, all you really need to do is what you're told.

My reply is, generally, if you're not going to pay attention to my wants and needs, you're going to have an incredibly hard time getting anywhere with me, at all. At best, you'll get a polite 'no thank you'. At worst, I'll laugh in your face. I'm in a relationship now - and maybe my great fortune is that I more or less taught her to be dominant - but it came up recently, at a ... thing. I don't do 'sex parties', but this was a similar sort of thing. No actual sex going on, but all the invited were ... god, I hate the term 'part of the scene' or even worse, part of the 'dark universe'. Sounds so unbelievably Vin Diesel (and you're excused if you don't get the reference).

So anyways, this guy told me how very experienced he was as a dom, and how he controlled everything, and girls would just love every moment of him doing whatever he wanted to them - and I told him in fairly clear terms that I considered extraordinarily doubtful, and that in all my (wait for it ......) four years of experience in this game I've never met even a single sub, male or female, who enjoyed their dom paying zero attention to what they wanted.

Eh, rant off. I just wanted that off my chest. He was an absolute dick about everything.

Am I wrong? The sub defines the playing field. Then - but only then - does the dom get to play. Freely, though. But within defined borders. Admittedly, at times the borders are defined as 'anything you like, until I say 'safeword'. But I've frankly never heard such poorly defined borders used among anything but well established ... partners or playmates or whatever.

Right?

 

[LadyElsbeth]

In a nutshell:

 

[IrisAlthea]

Have you ever had a dominant state - as if it were their god given right: Well, you're the submissive, all you really need to do is what you're told.

My reply is, generally, if you're not going to pay attention to my wants and needs, you're going to have an incredibly hard time getting anywhere with me, at all. At best, you'll get a polite 'no thank you'. At worst, I'll laugh in your face. I'm in a relationship now - and maybe my great fortune is that I more or less taught her to be dominant - but it came up recently, at a ... thing. I don't do 'sex parties', but this was a similar sort of thing. No actual sex going on, but all the invited were ... god, I hate the term 'part of the scene' or even worse, part of the 'dark universe'. Sounds so unbelievably Vin Diesel (and you're excused if you don't get the reference).

So anyways, this guy told me how very experienced he was as a dom, and how he controlled everything, and girls would just love every moment of him doing whatever he wanted to them - and I told him in fairly clear terms that I considered extraordinarily doubtful, and that in all my (wait for it ......) four years of experience in this game I've never met even a single sub, male or female, who enjoyed their dom paying zero attention to what they wanted.

Eh, rant off. I just wanted that off my chest. He was an absolute dick about everything.

Am I wrong? The sub defines the playing field. Then - but only then - does the dom get to play. Freely, though. But within defined borders. Admittedly, at times the borders are defined as 'anything you like, until I say 'safeword'. But I've frankly never heard such poorly defined borders used among anything but well established ... partners or playmates or whatever.

Right?

Sounds like the classic Barney Badass sales pich from someone who misunderstood their target audience.
Can be rant inducing and sometimes unintendedly funny to watch.
Personally I prefer to see the amusing side when possible.

There is a corresponding type of submissive sales pich, where they are either their own version of badass with no limits or needs or entirely without any independent thought and ability to function without the D.

I think the tropes have their fans.
I’m sometimes amused by how some of this is used in F/m (and I think maybe in M/m) in a way that would send people through the roof and running for their pitchforks, if it was M/f.
What actually happens in relationships, tends to be another topic, but some like to talk about this in a fantasy kind of way.
In reality, I suspect most people like to eat cheese doodles in their sweats at times regardless of how assertive their D is or how needy their s.
And howevermuch people talk about
”sane” and ”healthy” etc, its still ”humans”and ”relationships”, which tends to equal
”issues”.

As for who sets the boundaries, I’d say both. The question is just if it leaves a big enough overlap in the Venn diagram, to make it interesting.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Wife had a Domme friend who would go to dungeons with us. As she was unattached, she often was approached by sub males. My favorites were the, "I have no limits" types. She liked to reply, "No limits! So... I can kill you?"

And I doubt that got rid of them?
A very persistent breed that.

 

[emme8]

Who sets the limits?

The player with the most restrictions.

 

[thomas1965]

In a nutshell:

Excellent summary.

 

[cocktaildress21]

In a nutshell:

This is so true. If I had a penny for every guy who was insulted and walked out of a conversation when he found out it wasn't just an anything-goes-buffet. Well, if, then I'd have enough money for a can of coke or some such. Like, an example: I'm not willing to do anal-to-oral. The number of guys who are outraged at this - who have literally called me fake, not a real sub, and a slew of other asinine insults - is staggering. Just ... mental meltdown. Oh, sometimes I despair of the species. Or half of it, as it were. I suppose girls can be the same, but I only really have experience with two. And they aren't.

 

[emme8]

When I was searching for my Dom. I sent my limits to them like second message. I had a word document that I cut and pasted them from.
Some guys were really surprised I had my limits in a word file.
Why? So I didn't waste anyone's time.
It weeded out a lot of garbage before I wasted my time chatting too much with them.

 

[Goldenfinger]

It a relationship just like any other. Communication can make it grow and lack of communication can make it die.

We learn to communicate at a young age. We spend our whole life’s doing it but the number one question people ask is how to talk to their partner.

 

[SPARTAN047]

Surprisingly, I'd say it's the sub - I've had plenty of dominants admit this.

 

[Dearelliot]

I want my Domme to push the envelope...but of course there are limits, among them, are health issues.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

In a nutshell:

EXACTLY!

 

[lilmissdarling]

Both.

 

[ouchfeelsgood]

When I was searching for my Dom. I sent my limits to them like second message. I had a word document that I cut and pasted them from.
Some guys were really surprised I had my limits in a word file.
Why? So I didn't waste anyone's time.
It weeded out a lot of garbage before I wasted my time chatting too much with them.

It makes sense. And if/when your limits inevitably change over time, the document is easily edited.

 

[808guy]

Both.

Agree with this

 

[HottieOlwen]

Have you ever had a dominant state - as if it were their god given right: Well, you're the submissive, all you really need to do is what you're told.

My reply is, generally, if you're not going to pay attention to my wants and needs, you're going to have an incredibly hard time getting anywhere with me, at all. At best, you'll get a polite 'no thank you'. At worst, I'll laugh in your face. I'm in a relationship now - and maybe my great fortune is that I more or less taught her to be dominant - but it came up recently, at a ... thing. I don't do 'sex parties', but this was a similar sort of thing. No actual sex going on, but all the invited were ... god, I hate the term 'part of the scene' or even worse, part of the 'dark universe'. Sounds so unbelievably Vin Diesel (and you're excused if you don't get the reference).

So anyways, this guy told me how very experienced he was as a dom, and how he controlled everything, and girls would just love every moment of him doing whatever he wanted to them - and I told him in fairly clear terms that I considered extraordinarily doubtful, and that in all my (wait for it ......) four years of experience in this game I've never met even a single sub, male or female, who enjoyed their dom paying zero attention to what they wanted.

Eh, rant off. I just wanted that off my chest. He was an absolute dick about everything.

Am I wrong? The sub defines the playing field. Then - but only then - does the dom get to play. Freely, though. But within defined borders. Admittedly, at times the borders are defined as 'anything you like, until I say 'safeword'. But I've frankly never heard such poorly defined borders used among anything but well established ... partners or playmates or whatever.

Right?

I identify as a Hot Wife first, and as a Domme second. I read your very interesting post, cocktaildress21, and I couldn't agree more with the points you make. My cuckold and I did ...'things' as you put it before we adopted our current lifestyle. These days we have a FLM, where I make the decisions. Our most important standad is consensuality. As someone has pointed out in this thread, the idiots who claim to have no limits are all too willing to boast of their abilities, but when push comes to shove... or when, as the poster above says, "So I can kill you then?", they disappear. I still spank my cuckold on a regular basis, but that is our foreplay before I peg him. It is consensual. He likes nipple clamps and butt plugs too, which I agreed to. It isn't topping from the bottom. It's safe, consensual bdsm play.

 

[shrek100]

Trust and boundaries need to be a key part. I think the Sub has to set the limits
Both myself and wife switch. I like to sub and am pretty much into anything goes . . . . With her.
Reason is, she will push boundaries but if I do not respond positively or signal/say stop she will without any issue.
Our boundaries are pretty fluid as well. Some sessions we do not fancy certain things. Prostate/strapon play for example other times I will surrender my arse

 

[thetiesthatbindme]

Good for you!

When I was searching for my Dom. I sent my limits to them like second message. I had a word document that I cut and pasted them from.
Some guys were really surprised I had my limits in a word file.
Why? So I didn't waste anyone's time.
It weeded out a lot of garbage before I wasted my time chatting too much with them.

Im currently in negotiations my soon to b DD, and we've both exchanged our lists of ,yes, no's and maybe's plus a lengthy, 'get to know each other ' period ( his rule). When it's over,he'll b free to direct me in the way that's pleasing to him as well as giving me what I need.

 

[JillPaula]

IMO, in any Dom/sub relationship, whether it's a single encounter or an ongoing relationship, the sub ultimately defines the parameters and sets the limits. They can change, evolve and be renegotiated over time and as trust between the parties grows and experiences accumulate, but that is how it needs to be, for the protection and comfort level of the sub. That goes regardless of the sex of the parties involved.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Usually, most contracts of any sort (business, financial, kink) are negotiated between BOTH parties.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

The uncomfortable truth is that the party who feels the least pressure ultimately sets the terms. It’s convenient if both parties are vaguely comparable on that front.

 

[IrisAlthea]

The uncomfortable truth is that the party who feels the least pressure ultimately sets the terms. It’s convenient if both parties are vaguely comparable on that front.

Yup.
Being willing (or being the person least unwilling) to walk away, is always going to be the best leverage in any negotiation.

 

[MorlockIam]

This is why I didn't like Fetlife it seemed there were lots of Dommes who just thought I should take whatever they wanted to do to me. On one group I got bullied so badly the Mods stepped in and shut it down. I later found out this Domme had abused Subs both male and female in person before and had a bad rep. I never met the Domme thankfully.

A lot of Dominants are really just bullies and sadists who think they can do what they like to someone just because they identify as submissive.

 

[submissa]

I agree with your perspective. I think some "dominants" assume that submissives are just that way by default with anyone who comes at them with demands. To me, that sort of tendency is not submission, but suggests something else is going on that ought to be addressed.

 

[MorlockIam]

I agree with your perspective. I think some "dominants" assume that submissives are just that way by default with anyone who comes at them with demands. To me, that sort of tendency is not submission, but suggests something else is going on that ought to be addressed.

Yep. I certainly don't just do anything to prove I am submissive nor do I submit to every woman just because she is a woman claiming to be dominant or otherwise. It is still a relationship type and requires bonding and trust and the kink becomes more powerful if there is some kind of connection in my opinion.