Q: tips to avoid predators while searching for a Dom?

[MrsPassion]

@GoddessEnyo thank you so much! That kind of dynamic and building is exactly what I’m hoping to find.
Admittedly I was feeling a bit defeated when I posted, but folks here have been very supportive and so very helpful! I’m thankfully patient enough to wait and do my due diligence so I’m confident it will work itself out

 

[PaxNurgle]

Hello @MrsPassion. I am stopping to offer my two cents as I believe we have a common approach to finding a Dom.


How did I know he was the one to invest in?
I had stressed the importance of having a real conversation void of sex talk. I need to want to fuck the man, not just the Dom persona he exudes when we are locked away.

When he did eventually steer the conversation to Sex, I was not alarmed but became Excited. The response was not just in my mind with answering his questions but my body responded too. He built my trust in him and knew it was time to press and I reciprocated. He then pulled back and we focused on our nonsex friendship again. I can’t even express how grateful I was that he took the time.


I’m excited for you in this journey. I hope you will keep us updated and my PMs are always open if you would like to discuss this further.

I've italicized the part of your post which I felt was so relevant. Although I am a male sub (who prefers dominant females) I agree wholeheartedly: It's one thing to submit to someone and enjoy the fulfillment of fantasies. But it is so much more meaningful, and more POWERFUL, when you know them and can appreciate them as a person: a human being with likes, interests (outside of sex), life experiences and emotions, just like you.

 

[Lady2020]

Huge red flag when limits and safety are topics he doesn't want to discuss. Because he's an uber alpha and knows everything.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I had stressed the importance of having a real conversation void of sex talk. I need to want to fuck the man, not just the Dom persona he exudes when we are locked away.

When he did eventually steer the conversation to Sex, I was not alarmed but became Excited. The response was not just in my mind with answering his questions but my body responded too. He built my trust in him and knew it was time to press and I reciprocated. He then pulled back

That is a good description about how things can work when you click well.
Personally, I think it would be unfair to expect perfect timing, so I think an important thing to watch for is how they react when the timing or tone is slightly off.

 

[IrisAlthea]

off-the-rack perv

*constructing mental picture of the rack*

 

[MrsPassion]

an off-the-rack perv

Bahahahaha!! This made me laugh so hard. Especially because who I am as person is known to enjoy expensive things and baubles. This hit my funny bone in a great way this morning. Thank you

 

[Callmetim]

Great points from a number of folks on an important thread.

For you TL;DR types:
Are they putting in the work?
What is their reaction when you tell them no on anything?
Revoke your consent at ANY time.

One easy delineation is to ask yourself ... are they putting in the work? Both parties need time to learn more about each other before moving onto the bedroom, dungeon, or play party. If they are not learning about the organ between your ears first and keep asking to see the organ between your legs, they are a domin-ain't. If they don't know your favorite color and want to see every pink part of your body, proceed to the next paragraph.

If they are not putting in the work to learn about the wonderful you, find out what happens when you pump the brakes on all sex talk. Draw that line in the sand. NO. Be firm and unequivocally clear. NO. Tell them no because you have not given them consent to anything. See what their reaction is to that word. NO. Odds are, they will treat your safewords the same. Oh snap.

Consent can also indicate whom you are talking with. Did they mention, clearly ask for, and look to seek your explicit consent or did you have to bring up consent after you sent that picture? Did they ask for something as simple as asking for consent to start a conversation with you? There is a type of personality that takes without asking and those would be children. I CANNOT emphasize this enough, even if you gave consent, your consent may be revoked at ANY time.

Some words of mine from long ago, in a thread far, far away:
This is the domin-ain't. All submissives ... beware of them. They may also appear to care in the beginning and seem like the greatest thing since your Hitachi Magic Wand. Then they push a hard limit without discussion. Then you safe word out only to do so again for the same reason a day later. Then you begin to question and lose trust. Without immediate action, you will not fail your domin-ain't but they will fail you because their control no longer allows you to be free in bondage, it will just be discomforting, unappealing and spiral downward quickly. You gave consent to be cared for and nurtured. If you're not being cared for, nurtured, and are now questioning how much you trust them, the domin-ain't is not holding up their end of the bargain and that is a deal breaker. There is a difference between a submissive and a doormat.

Speak up; you are not a burden.

 

[IrisAlthea]

You gave consent to be cared for and nurtured. If you're not being cared for, nurtured, and are now questioning how much you trust them,

And even if your tastes run in a different direction than nurturing and careing, any sign that a safeword or limit isn’t respected is still a warning sign to take seriously. Probably even more so.

Did they ask for something as simple as asking for consent to start a conversation with you?

This makes me feel terribly old and very glad that I’m not out there looking, because it never dawned on me to ask for consent to start a conversation or to demand that someone ask for permission to do so.

I mean, I have done the victorian lady with backbone cybernetically enhanced by steelboned corset routine, by saying
”Excuse me, but I don’t think we have been properly intoduced!” to someone being too forward, but that has been more of a still half polite, tongue in cheek way to point out where the boundary is.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Iris pegged it. More important than this connection (which will not dominate your thoughts for long) is the fact that you know what you want right now in a D/s relationship, you communicated it and you didn’t buckle.

You’re gonna talk with shitty Doms, Doms you don’t click with and Doms who have different goals. It’s inevitable. Keep honing your list of lessons learned and trust it. That list is the best thing about disappointing experiences.

 

[cascadiabound]

Iris pegged it. More important than this connection (which will not dominate your thoughts for long) is the fact that you know what you want right now in a D/s relationship, you communicated it and you didn’t buckle.

You’re gonna talk with shitty Doms, Doms you don’t click with and Doms who have different goals. It’s inevitable. Keep honing your list of lessons learned and trust it. That list is the best thing about disappointing experiences.

DGE and @Callmetim in the same thread!
Both good people with some good advice.
Always good to see you posting.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

DGE and @Callmetim in the same thread!
Both good people with some good advice.
Always good to see you posting.

Cascadia: her kindness is eclipsed only by her perceptive understanding of litizens.

 

[silky52]

Hello @MrsPassion. I am stopping to offer my two cents as I believe we have a common approach to finding a Dom.

While I use online sites to find and interview a potential Dom, meeting in real life was my goal. I live in a large population center so the options are vast and I never worry about not finding exactly what I want.

How did I know he was the one to invest in?
I had stressed the importance of having a real conversation void of sex talk. I need to want to fuck the man, not just the Dom persona he exudes when we are locked away.

When he did eventually steer the conversation to Sex, I was not alarmed but became Excited. The response was not just in my mind with answering his questions but my body responded too. He built my trust in him and knew it was time to press and I reciprocated. He then pulled back and we focused on our nonsex friendship again. I can’t even express how grateful I was that he took the time.

It sounds like you have an additional concern with being fetishized due to race. I’m glad you’re aware and being extra careful. I still believe there is someone who will give you the respect you deserve in all areas.

I’m excited for you in this journey. I hope you will keep us updated and my PMs are always open if you would like to discuss this further.

Excellent advice here!

 

[ehewitt391]

I’m sorry your local community felt off.
Might be worth to look arond to see if there are any other within reasonable distance.

As for your almost but not quite compatible dominant, people like to go about this in different ways. Doesn’t have to be about being ”fake”.
Some want to be sure there is attraction befor putting in time, some want to start playing from the first moment etc. And like you said, some are out to have sex, some want long term and the level of experience will vary.

The important thing is that you knew what you wanted and didn’t want and you stood your ground on that. Some will think that is too much attitude and they are not going to be right for you anyway from what you have written, so better to find out immediately.

Getting to know people out in the open on the board rather than in private messages as you mentioned, is helpful in my personal opinion.

So true.

 

[thetiesthatbindme]

So i am new to BDSM in terms of actively seeking out others who also enjoy it but not so new that I haven’t been researching this off and on for years. I even attended a munch but it didn’t feel, welcoming or safe (can explain later if it’s necessary)

So I switched tactics to find someone online though not necessarily through personals. More like if it came up in the natural progression of conversation I’d feel it out.
Recently met a Litster who identified as a Dom and we talked a bit and I really appreciated their style and what they liked I liked. It was nice until it wasn’t. I wanted to discuss limits. They wanted nudes. I wanted to discuss a natural progression, they demanded absolute submission immediately…and nudes. I was told I had an attitude, but the reality was…I don’t know this person and while I liked their style I’ve read enough and spoken to enough people to recognize they maybe aren’t a Dom and just really want to have sex with women with a lot of pain involved (which I wasn’t adverse too but you know consent is sexy) having an attitude isn’t in my nature. I don’t identify with being a Brat and was genuinely wanting to be a good sub for this person but it didn’t feel right in my gut.

So how do you find a real Dom, when your local community isn’t very welcoming/safe?

It was frustrating to find someone who had a good deal of things I liked but lacked…idk training themselves? Basic manners lol (read: a willingness to build trust and establish rules)

I’m probably saying all this wrong (and I am admittedly a very shy anxious person so even posting this feels like a big step out of my comfort zone but closed mouths don’t get fed) where do you suggest new subs go to find compatible, safe Doms? Are there other threads already talking about this?

Any guidance is greatly appreciated.

If you find the answer,please let me know bc I've been trying to figure that out myself. I once had someone tell me that a real sub would immediately trust him by giving him my bank info. I hope nobody falls for that. Hard to find a good D. Good Luck

 

[MrsPassion]

If you find the answer,please let me know bc I've been trying to figure that out myself. I once had someone tell me that a real sub would immediately trust him by giving him my bank info. I hope nobody falls for that. Hard to find a good D. Good Luck

So all of the comments here have a plethora of advice. I’m so glad you didn’t fall for that but somewhere someone will. Some advice I’ve really appreciated and has helped me is to just feel things out. Post a personal (I haven’t done this yet but just might ) describe the relationship you want to have and feel out natural conversation with folks that reach out to you. But heed the advice here in the comments; they should respect you and your limits, they should want to get to know you without a hyper fixation on sex.
And all of the other sound and responsive advice that was given to me initially. Also can attest getting yo know people in the forums can make posting and searching feel less intimidating.
I still haven’t found my Dom but I feel hopeful I will. I wish you all the luck as well!!

 

[2ServeWoman]

So i am new to BDSM in terms of actively seeking out others who also enjoy it but not so new that I haven’t been researching this off and on for years. I even attended a munch but it didn’t feel, welcoming or safe (can explain later if it’s necessary)

So I switched tactics to find someone online though not necessarily through personals. More like if it came up in the natural progression of conversation I’d feel it out.
Recently met a Litster who identified as a Dom and we talked a bit and I really appreciated their style and what they liked I liked. It was nice until it wasn’t. I wanted to discuss limits. They wanted nudes. I wanted to discuss a natural progression, they demanded absolute submission immediately…and nudes. I was told I had an attitude, but the reality was…I don’t know this person and while I liked their style I’ve read enough and spoken to enough people to recognize they maybe aren’t a Dom and just really want to have sex with women with a lot of pain involved (which I wasn’t adverse too but you know consent is sexy) having an attitude isn’t in my nature. I don’t identify with being a Brat and was genuinely wanting to be a good sub for this person but it didn’t feel right in my gut.

So how do you find a real Dom, when your local community isn’t very welcoming/safe?

It was frustrating to find someone who had a good deal of things I liked but lacked…idk training themselves? Basic manners lol (read: a willingness to build trust and establish rules)

I’m probably saying all this wrong (and I am admittedly a very shy anxious person so even posting this feels like a big step out of my comfort zone but closed mouths don’t get fed) where do you suggest new subs go to find compatible, safe Doms? Are there other threads already talking about this?

Any guidance is greatly appreciated.

 

[2ServeWoman]

So all of the comments here have a plethora of advice. I’m so glad you didn’t fall for that but somewhere someone will. Some advice I’ve really appreciated and has helped me is to just feel things out. Post a personal (I haven’t done this yet but just might ) describe the relationship you want to have and feel out natural conversation with folks that reach out to you. But heed the advice here in the comments; they should respect you and your limits, they should want to get to know you without a hyper fixation on sex.
And all of the other sound and responsive advice that was given to me initially. Also can attest getting yo know people in the forums can make posting and searching feel less intimidating.
I still haven’t found my Dom but I feel hopeful I will. I wish you all the luck as well!!

Just stay where you are in “YOUR” comfort zone - munches I personally find intrusive & political in the scene - know it alls & idiots! Not in the mood of the scene or lifestyle - bla, bla, bla! Have fun, play safe - it’s truly difficult to find genuine Dommes without the tribute group or one time fee group - they seem to attempt to justify their greed defend preying upon others!

Hope you find what you seek - I’m hoping to cross paths with a REAL sadistic Domme to serve within my limits & I “NEVER” demand anything as that’s not my place - I know my place am polite & respectful to ALL women, Gods gift to man! My biggest weakness is womanscent/taste my kryptonite! Have a beautiful day!

 

[silky52]

Just stay where you are in “YOUR” comfort zone - munches I personally find intrusive & political in the scene - know it alls & idiots! Not in the mood of the scene or lifestyle - bla, bla, bla! Have fun, play safe - it’s truly difficult to find genuine Dommes without the tribute group or one time fee group - they seem to attempt to justify their greed defend preying upon others!

Hope you find what you seek - I’m hoping to cross paths with a REAL sadistic Domme to serve within my limits & I “NEVER” demand anything as that’s not my place - I know my place am polite & respectful to ALL women, Gods gift to man! My biggest weakness is womanscent/taste my kryptonite! Have a beautiful day!

I think the point was looking for a dom not a domme!

 

[2ServeWoman]

I think the point was looking for a dom not a domme!

I just wanted to mention what I’m hoping to find - nothing else intended or implied!

 

[RoperTrace]

So all of the comments here have a plethora of advice. I’m so glad you didn’t fall for that but somewhere someone will. Some advice I’ve really appreciated and has helped me is to just feel things out. Post a personal (I haven’t done this yet but just might ) describe the relationship you want to have and feel out natural conversation with folks that reach out to you. But heed the advice here in the comments; they should respect you and your limits, they should want to get to know you without a hyper fixation on sex.
And all of the other sound and responsive advice that was given to me initially. Also can attest getting yo know people in the forums can make posting and searching feel less intimidating.
I still haven’t found my Dom but I feel hopeful I will. I wish you all the luck as well!!

I confess to not having read all the responses to your situation(eyes tire quickly from early stage cataracts). I've been to a few munches and some were very receptive, others not so much. Here's something to consider that a sub-friend of mine told me that worked for her. She befriended another dom-sub couple, who accompanied her to munches that would be compatible for a new person. The sub was her friend first, and her dom agreed to watch-over her without any expectations. As she became comfortable and eventually experienced, she did the same for other new subs.

So maybe a personals-ad, as a sub looking for a subbie-mentor, rather than your first dom that you can trust. The sub mentor was ideal for her role and she loved doing it. Her dom wasn't expecting a new recruit and was good with that. We live(d) in the south-central Pa. region, and there used to be a few groups around Lancaster-Harrisburg and Philly. I've also gone to munches in N.E. Pa. and took a field trip with them to NYC to visit a BDSM club. The great thing about my sub-friend was she had visited several of these groups and knew how to advise new folks who and and what to avoid.

I'm a few years away from attending anything like a munch or even a group activity, so social media may have complicated this advice, since I last participated. Most doms I've known, weren't into requesting nude photos, of new online acquaintances. We preferred to meet folks in safe-public places and talk. If the person wanted to bring a friend along, that was fine by me. This usually happened after getting-acquainted phone call(s). Doms don't feel the need to rush things.

 

[2ServeWoman]

I confess to not having read all the responses to your situation(eyes tire quickly from early stage cataracts). I've been to a few munches and some were very receptive, others not so much. Here's something to consider that a sub-friend of mine told me that worked for her. She befriended another dom-sub couple, who accompanied her to munches that would be compatible for a new person. The sub was her friend first, and her dom agreed to watch-over her without any expectations. As she became comfortable and eventually experienced, she did the same for other new subs.

So maybe a personals-ad, as a sub looking for a subbie-mentor, rather than your first dom that you can trust. The sub mentor was ideal for her role and she loved doing it. Her dom wasn't expecting a new recruit and was good with that. We live(d) in the south-central Pa. region, and there used to be a few groups around Lancaster-Harrisburg and Philly. I've also gone to munches in N.E. Pa. and took a field trip with them to NYC to visit a BDSM club. The great thing about my sub-friend was she had visited several of these groups and knew how to advise new folks who and and what to avoid.

I'm a few years away from attending anything like a munch or even a group activity, so social media may have complicated this advice, since I last participated. Most doms I've known, weren't into requesting nude photos, of new online acquaintances. We preferred to meet folks in safe-public places and talk. If the person wanted to bring a friend along, that was fine by me. This usually happened after getting-acquainted phone call(s). Doms don't feel the need to rush things.

You’ll be so happy once those cataracts are ripe enough to remove - I’m gifted with 20/13 vision & zero restrictions on my CDL & can see like the dickens!

 

[silky52]

I confess to not having read all the responses to your situation(eyes tire quickly from early stage cataracts). I've been to a few munches and some were very receptive, others not so much. Here's something to consider that a sub-friend of mine told me that worked for her. She befriended another dom-sub couple, who accompanied her to munches that would be compatible for a new person. The sub was her friend first, and her dom agreed to watch-over her without any expectations. As she became comfortable and eventually experienced, she did the same for other new subs.

So maybe a personals-ad, as a sub looking for a subbie-mentor, rather than your first dom that you can trust. The sub mentor was ideal for her role and she loved doing it. Her dom wasn't expecting a new recruit and was good with that. We live(d) in the south-central Pa. region, and there used to be a few groups around Lancaster-Harrisburg and Philly. I've also gone to munches in N.E. Pa. and took a field trip with them to NYC to visit a BDSM club. The great thing about my sub-friend was she had visited several of these groups and knew how to advise new folks who and and what to avoid.

I'm a few years away from attending anything like a munch or even a group activity, so social media may have complicated this advice, since I last participated. Most doms I've known, weren't into requesting nude photos, of new online acquaintances. We preferred to meet folks in safe-public places and talk. If the person wanted to bring a friend along, that was fine by me. This usually happened after getting-acquainted phone call(s). Doms don't feel the need to rush things.

I'm not sure how but lots of ways to have comments here read out to you especially on a PC.

 

[RoperTrace]

I'm not sure how but lots of ways to have comments here read out to you especially on a PC.

Maybe you could come over and read them to me? I like the sound of your silky52 voice.

 

[silky52]

Maybe you could come over and read them to me? I like the sound of your silky52 voice.

That must be a first, since you have never heard my voice lol. Shame you live so far away!

 

[RoperTrace]

That must be a first, since you have never heard my voice lol. Shame you live so far away!

Are you, or were you ever a chain-smoker? Added points for vocal huskiness.
(edit); I'm hoping no, for obvious health concerns.