PSA: Being Dom is Not a pass to be an asshole

[InCNCestBangPie]

Short & simple: too many guys on here equate being dominant or CNC enthusiasts with having the God-given right to plunge into assholery.

My dear Sirs, stop that. You can exert control without being suffocating. You can enjoy CNC without being misogynistic. You can dominate without being verbally abusive.

You can literally enjoy your kinks and still treat your partner like a human being.

There's a fine line to walk. Figure it out, do your research, or ask for guidance. But don't become the next guy that gets blocked.

 

[Goldenfinger]

Don’t give away the secret. If they are an asshole then they really are not a dom. If the write mmm mmmmmm,mmmmmm every other word they really are a dude. Well they are probably a dude anyway.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I think the issue is people who just think “BDSM is hawt” and think it’s an excuse to be abusive. They do not understand consent or the complexities of BDSM. If they acted offline the way they act online they would likely be subject to lots of trouble with HR departments and even with law enforcement.

Doms can be assholes. Assholes come in all varieties. I know many dominant men, a few intimately, several as friends, and I don’t think any of them are assholes. There’s one I chat with from time to time on Lit (and lust after from afar) whom some folks certainly believe to be an asshole, lol (clearly a subjective term). I’d say he’s confident, brilliant, and an acquired taste. But, he doesn’t miss the mark on understanding consent. These guys who come on here and just make demands from message 1, with someone to whom they have literally just began speaking, “On your knees when you read my message. I am your Master.” (And that’s pretty innocuous by comparison, honestly). This person is not a Dom with whom one should play or partner up. They have a lot to learn.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

I think the issue is people who just think “BDSM is hawt” and think it’s an excuse to be abusive. They do not understand consent or the complexities of BDSM. If they acted offline the way they act online they would likely be subject to lots of trouble with HR departments and even with law enforcement.

Everything you stated was very well said, but the best part for me lies in your opening: misunderstanding the need for consent.

I'm genuinely exhausted from having to deal with this thread's topic today. So, I'll just piggyback that fantasies are great. But in the real world, full consent is always required.

 

[IrisAlthea]

that can be hot and i enjoy it with the right guy

While I don’t deny or defend the existence of assholery and genuine misogyny on Lit or elsewhere, the reality behind that quote has to create a lot of confusion for the average horny dude.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

While I don’t deny or defend the existence of assholery and genuine misogyny on Lit or elsewhere, the reality behind that quote has to create a lot of confusion for the average horny dude.

As I said, it's a fine line to walk.
And guess what? How do you clear up confusion normally? By asking questions and getting informed answers. Sexual situations are not any different.
If the "average horny dude" is "confused," he should learn to open his mouth the same way he wants his sub to.

 

[IrisAlthea]

*Imagining a PM, looking something like this:*

Excuse me, is is this a good time and am I the right guy to come barging into your personal messages, going straight into abusing you and being really aggressive?

I mean, funny is a good thing in my book so it might absolutely work for the right guy at the right time, with the right person.
Because I still think @angelicfire has a good point about those things making things way more complicated than
”behave like this and succed”

As @ToPleaseHim pointed out, asshole is a subjective term.

get annoyed when their magical dom powers don't work

To me, I think this is one of my most imortant asshole markers: Not being able to handle a ”No thanks!” with reasonable grace.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Or because it turns them on.

It might be a good idea to remember that if they're doing something... it's probably because it has worked in the past.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

It might be a good idea to remember that if they're doing something... it's probably because it has worked in the past.

That's great.
Does not excuse current behavior.

 

[BiBunny]

Damn, I need to come up with a new Asshole Pass, then.

I'm sorry, I just saw the title, and that was the first thing I thought.

That being said, there's some good stuff in this thread.

Also, in my personal and professional experience, I can tell you that just because some asshat is doing something stupid doesn't mean it's worked in the past. Usually, it's never worked, and they just think if they keep scattering it around, it'll work eventually. You know, shotgun approach.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

Also, in my personal and professional experience, I can tell you that just because some asshat is doing something stupid doesn't mean it's worked in the past. Usually, it's never worked, and they just think if they keep scattering it around, it'll work eventually. You know, shotgun approach.

Facts.

Being insufferable is a character trait and that doesn't go away without intention.

 

[Rob_Royale]

There is very little that is hotter than a loving sub/dom couple.

 

[Britva415]

It might be a good idea to remember that if they're doing something... it's probably because it has worked in the past.

"Worked" in what way?

I was thinking more like, they've never done "it" at all in the past.

Poser doms, trying it out on the anonymous internet with zero experience with the real thing.

 

[thomas1965]

Yes, it seems many Doms and Dominas confuse BDSM with abuse.
It my BDSM world and writings the Doms are caring and look after their slave. A proper relationship is based on consent and trust.
After all, only a happy slave is a good slave.
If her submission doesn't make her happy, there is really no point for her to be his slave.

I have written this from the point of M / f, since I am a straight man, but it applies to all kind of gender combinations.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Also, in my personal and professional experience, I can tell you that just because some asshat is doing something stupid doesn't mean it's worked in the past. Usually, it's never worked, and they just think if they keep scattering it around, it'll work eventually. You know, shotgun approach.

Some people are stupid yes but even my cat comes when I call her, because it earns her a treat irregularly but often enough to keep it worth it.
Most people are able to respond to training as least as well as a cat, so I think most would change their tactics sooner or later if they are offered/find a better one.

The thing is that shotguns have their use, depending on your situation and your goal and I don’t know why anyone would think that the goal of the average asshat message sender is to be non-annoying, decent and to find connection.
If it were or if this kind of regularly appearing PSA would offer a more effective way to get cyber laid, many if not most of them would change their ways after a while. The ratio between horny dudes and possible partners for them, doesn’t make for very high success rates even with the best of tactics though.

You and I have both been here long enough to see the confused newbie going ”but he said he was a dom and he said I had to do this or that and he said you people were all going to be mean to me”.
That is one way those messages might work some of the time, so the most important PSA in my eyes is really:

”No matter if they call themselves dom (or even DOM) or whatever they may call themselves and no matter if you think you may be submissive, normal rules still apply and you have the right and the responsibility to decide if it is a yes or a no.”

It my BDSM world and writings the Doms are caring and look after their slave. A proper relationship is based on consent and trust.

Not everyone is looking for a relationship and not all BDSM is M/s or caring. Thinking that it is, is actually one of the things that get people in trouble.
That is why I think it is so important to keep portraying BDSM as diverse as it actually is and to keep putting the emphasis on risk awareness and informed consent, rather than manners and being
”nice”.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Your eagerness to be outraged is compromising your ability to look at things fairly. I could explain more, but it hardly seems worth the trouble.

Goodbye.


Tally Ho, White Knight!

Goodbye.

I don’t read any outrage there, let alone eagerness to be outraged. You’re just wrong and folks disagreed with you. No need to be this defensive.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

I don’t read any outrage there, let alone eagerness to be outraged. You’re just wrong and folks disagreed with you. No need to be this defensive.

It was such a disproportionate response that there was no point in responding. Bots gotta bot.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I’m hearing from folks about a couple of poser doms (aka abusive douchecanoes) getting very aggressive and controlling very quickly with new women behind the scenes here. It needs to stop.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Worked in the way that the Poser Doms enjoyed themselves at the expense of whoever was unfortunate enough to enter play with him.

Yup, this.
Writing them off as stupid is a mistake in my opinion.

I’m hearing from folks about a couple of poser doms (aka abusive douchecanoes) getting very aggressive and controlling very quickly with new women behind the scenes here. It needs to stop.

If it’s possible to make things uncomfortable for them her it might help a bit, if they don’t just start a new account.
Otherwise I think the best thing to do is like I said before - trying to make people aware that the choice is theirs and that they don’t need to let some random person have any say, whether they come at you like a freight train on speed or kindly offer their guidance in this new world, never exposing their wisdom and experience to possible opposition in the open on the boards.
The latter is worse than the ”kneel bitch” variety in my personal opinion.

 

[SilverVeil]

I have been on both sides of the coin on this. As quite a few here know I got involved with a Bully Boy dom and honestly I was emotionally and mentally abused by him. It had the potential to turn into physical abuse if things had continued. I was expected to do as he ordered me to do, regardless of whether I could actually physically complete his demands. Or I would be punished.

The only person getting any enjoyment from the interaction was him. I was confused, sad, feeling like a failure. He took great delight in telling me what he was going to do to me when we were together. (Lucky for me he failed to show up).

On the other side of this, I have now met through Literotica (yes, both online and real life) a wonderful, caring, compassionate, Dom who has been teaching me things about the D/s lifestyle while also helping me realize what a special gift my submission really is. Non-judgmental acceptance, firm encouragement, and affectionate praise are not actions from men I am used to. And he is patient with me but also firm with his requests. And if I can't do something, we talk about what is the problem? Physical limitations due to my health conditions or not understanding exactly what is being asked. We COMMUNICATE clearly with each other and adjust.

Real Dominants do not need to be abusive when requesting/commanding/ordering their submissives to obey. All of these can be done without abuse. Because their submissives will want to willingly obey to make their Sir happy. Keeping my Sir happy is a top priority for me in our relationship. Because if He is happy, He makes sure I am also happy.

It's give and take on both parts. Win-win for us.

Just my two cents.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

BDSM is a continuum and there’s a whole lot of normal, so I always cringe just a bit when someone says anything about what a “real” or “true” dom or sub does. There are subs who want and crave the pain that others would most certainly call abuse. There are doms who want brats and others who want complete obedience. There’s not one right way to do this, but there are wrong ways. The wrong always involve lack of communication and/or consent. Without consent? Most of what so many of us do is definitely abuse.

The posers don’t get this. There’s this machismo “I AM A DOM AND YOU WILL NOW OBEY ALL OF MY COMMANDS, SLUT!” I mean, just typing that out gets me kinda hot, but when my guy says something like this to me, he’s doing it with consent. It’s not the first thing he ever said to me, and a reply to a PM doesn’t imply power exchange.

If only we could add a little red flag warning on some profiles…

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

The posers don’t get this. There’s this machismo “I AM A DOM AND YOU WILL NOW OBEY ALL OF MY COMMANDS, SLUT!” I mean, just typing that out gets me kinda hot, but when my guy says something like this to me, he’s doing it with consent. It’s not the first thing he ever said to me, and a reply to a PM doesn’t imply power exchange.

I love your entire response, but especially this. I have the dual right to be turned on by more aggressive themes while ALSO having my consent respected & prioritized.
And yes, only having fear filled conversations is different from having more fulfilling conversations with those themes interlaced. You know, make it seem like I'm actually a human, too.

 

[HappyToBeAlive]

I’m hearing from folks about a couple of poser doms (aka abusive douchecanoes) getting very aggressive and controlling very quickly with new women behind the scenes here. It needs to stop.

Not only with women

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

Not only with women

I'm so sorry.
I completely believe that.
One of the guy's I had to block said he was also going to "Dom" a guy.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I'm a sub to one person... I love doing what he wants me to do.
I can attest that there are men who have messaged me and in their mind they think giving me orders or telling me to call them Sir or Daddy will excite me... Idk ..
Maybe somewhere there are women who have liked it in their past.
Please don't project those women onto me..