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BDSM vs Lovemaking

Azalea

Azalea

Literotica Guru
Joined
Feb 25, 2003
Posts
869
Where do the two intersect?
I am still struggling with the idea of sex that is not lovemaking.
I am also still trying to figure out how one can have a lovemaking partner at the same time as a different Dom/Domme or sub.

Does BDSM sex ever evolve into lovemaking? Or is the sex a vehicle for the playing out of specific psychological needs, divorced from love?
 
Of course BDSM sex can be lovemaking; it all depends on what you feel with your play partner. There really doesn't have to be an emotional distance just because the sex is kinky; you can be just as much in love with your Dom or sub as with a wife or husband.

Personally, I've had some of the softest, most emotional sex ever with the ropes and collar right there with me. Obviously it varies from person to person, but to me the act of submitting to someone/taking someone else's submission is incredibly intimate act, and since I've only ever really done it with people I'm at least moderately affectionate with, it's an aspect of sex that's probably quite bound up with love in my mind.

Of course, it also depends a little on the kind of sex you're having; obviously the forceful, screaming, achey kind of sex won't really be as loving as the slow, soft, make-her-wait-to-cum-until-she-whimpers kind of sex... but there's always the aftercare, too. ;)
 
Does BDSM sex ever evolve into lovemaking? Or is the sex a vehicle for the playing out of specific psychological needs, divorced from love?

They are two sides of the same coin BDSM sex is essentially a psy need of some folks and unless associated with true love have no meaning
 
Why can it not be both? The stereotype of BDSM is that it's cruel torture for the sub. Maybe it is for some but that's a different discussion. BDSM can be wonderful with the right people.
 
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The DOM can give such great pleasure while the sub is only happy to serve.

It is possible that these two roles are reversed as well A sub is normally stronger mentally then the dom
 
Kurokami said:
Of course, it also depends a little on the kind of sex you're having; obviously the forceful, screaming, achey kind of sex won't really be as loving as the slow, soft, make-her-wait-to-cum-until-she-whimpers kind of sex... but there's always the aftercare, too. ;)
Click to expand...

Speak for yourself... ;)

In my universe, the pinned down, ass beaten & feeling like I'm being "raped" by a wolf, suffering until all I can do is whimper out little kitten mewling sounds, my vocabulary reduced to the words "please" and "thank you"... that is the most loving sex I've ever had. Slow, soft, make-her-wait-to-cum-until-she-whimpers kind of sex (with aftercare) would leave me feeling misunderstood and out of place.
 
troubledone said:
The DOM can give such great pleasure while the sub is only happy to serve.

It is possible that these two roles are reversed as well A sub is normally stronger mentally then the dom
Click to expand...

I have heard that the sub is the one really in control. Not so sure.
 
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Sex is sex. Like-- eating is eating. Or singing is singing.

The same sex that is mere fucking one day can be a declaration of ultimate passion on another day.

Eating can mean a peanut-butter sammich on one day and lobster on another, you can sing 'twinkle twinkle' one day and grand opera another day.

Its an activity, and it all depends on what you do with that activity. :)
 
CutieMouse said:
Speak for yourself... ;)

In my universe, the pinned down, ass beaten & feeling like I'm being "raped" by a wolf, suffering until all I can do is whimper out little kitten mewling sounds, my vocabulary reduced to the words "please" and "thank you"... that is the most loving sex I've ever had. Slow, soft, make-her-wait-to-cum-until-she-whimpers kind of sex (with aftercare) would leave me feeling misunderstood and out of place.
Click to expand...

Fair enough, and that is an awesome post :D

I have heard that the sub is the one really in control. Not so sure. HE knows what pleases me but I thoroughly enjoy doing what HE wants and enjoys, to fulfill HIS every wish and desire. Is that reversed?
Click to expand...

I always took that to mean that the sub decides what he or she will and won't do; the moment you say no and your Dom forces the issue, it stops being bdsm and starts becoming something far more illegal. Only you can decide where your limits are, and a good Dom knows that he is beholden to that.
 
[adding to the hijack]

Cynical view of control -

The one with the most control in a relationship, is the one willing to walk out the door first [if necessary].

[/adding to the hijack]
 
Stella_Omega said:
Sex is sex. Like-- eating is eating. Or singing is singing.

The same sex that is mere fucking one day can be a declaration of ultimate passion on another day.

Eating can mean a peanut-butter sammich on one day and lobster on another, you can sing 'twinkle twinkle' one day and grand opera another day.

Its an activity, and it all depends on what you do with that activity. :)
Click to expand...

That's kind of like my outlook:

Sex is like lunch. Some times it's a meaningful drawn out experience, and some times I just want a pb&j.
 
BonnyBlue said:
I have heard that the sub is the one really in control. Not so sure. HE knows what pleases me but I thoroughly enjoy doing what HE wants and enjoys, to fulfill HIS every wish and desire. Is that reversed?

As for mentally stronger, mmm, I'd say no. We have very similar thoughts and ideas but sometimes different points of view. As for intelligence, HE wins! No question! And I take offense with anyone who claims otherwise about HIM!!


~Any thoughts? I know YOU are here!~ Ever Yours[/QUOTE]

Lucky Guy and you are kind to him ,actually he is a rubber stamp
Click to expand...
 
CutieMouse said:
Speak for yourself... ;)

In my universe, the pinned down, ass beaten & feeling like I'm being "raped" by a wolf, suffering until all I can do is whimper out little kitten mewling sounds, my vocabulary reduced to the words "please" and "thank you"... that is the most loving sex I've ever had. Slow, soft, make-her-wait-to-cum-until-she-whimpers kind of sex (with aftercare) would leave me feeling misunderstood and out of place.
Click to expand...

ee he he he he
 
Azalea said:
Where do the two intersect?
I am still struggling with the idea of sex that is not lovemaking.
I am also still trying to figure out how one can have a lovemaking partner at the same time as a different Dom/Domme or sub.

Does BDSM sex ever evolve into lovemaking? Or is the sex a vehicle for the playing out of specific psychological needs, divorced from love?
Click to expand...

Sex without love is fucking. Fucking can be fast or slow, rough or smooth, with pain or not, with restraint or not, and so on. Depends on the mood of the one in control of the proceedings.

Sex with love can be all those things, but with emotion. The kind of emotion that makes all the options (fast, slow, etc.) more intense because they are, by definition, more passionate.
 
sex is never lovemaking, ime. making love for me refers to the intimate and tender moments shared with the love of your life...snuggling together, him bathing me, etc...but never, ever sex, no matter what form that sex takes.

sex is far too primal and animalistic for me to ever think of it as making love. love also does not intensify the level of passion during sex. but that could just be me.
 
It seems a lot of people lump BDSM into one big catagory. There are times when I absolutely need to be dominant and controlling during sex, if its with My wife then it is by nature loving even if I am extremely dominant and I know that she is being submissive because she loves me (though recently she has moved away, but not completely from submissiveness, more on this later). If it is with someone else, then it is purely for My joy and pleasure although the sub is clearly getting their itch scratched as well, consentual is an interesting term in the context of Dom/sub.

There are other times when dominance takes the form of being served. You know effortlesly lay back and have your body worshipped. Again, if its my wife, this is an act filled with love. If its another sub, its more just a sexual thing.

I am definitley not a sadist and I don't get off on inflicting pain, although I do enjoy taking a hand, belt, crop or flogger to a subbies ass knowing that they get off on it.

I would never engage in sadistic or serious pain stuff with My wife because she does not enjoy it at all.

There's my two cents
 
SirLeo said:
It seems a lot of people lump BDSM into one big catagory. There are times when I absolutely need to be dominant and controlling during sex, if its with My wife then it is by nature loving even if I am extremely dominant and I know that she is being submissive because she loves me (though recently she has moved away, but not completely from submissiveness, more on this later). If it is with someone else, then it is purely for My joy and pleasure although the sub is clearly getting their itch scratched as well, consentual is an interesting term in the context of Dom/sub.

There are other times when dominance takes the form of being served. You know effortlesly lay back and have your body worshipped. Again, if its my wife, this is an act filled with love. If its another sub, its more just a sexual thing.

I am definitley not a sadist and I don't get off on inflicting pain, although I do enjoy taking a hand, belt, crop or flogger to a subbies ass knowing that they get off on it.

I would never engage in sadistic or serious pain stuff with My wife because she does not enjoy it at all.

There's my two cents
Click to expand...

And there's the total mystery to me.....that you have a wife and a sub at the same time. I don't understand it. But then, I come from a background where sex can only be properly coupled with love. That's the hangup. My psyche is really trying to wrap itself around the other possibility.......that sometimes, as someone above said, sex is just "fucking."
 
To a large degree, it's about the sub's needs. I'm assuming that's you, and pardon me if I'm wrong. But, if being the sub - whether that involves service, being tied up, whipped, whatever - works for you, and being the dom works for your husband, and you're otherwise in love, why isn't BDSM "making love"?

On the other hand, if it doesn't work for you, then it's an entirely different matter. BDSM as discussed here is entirely consensual. Not everyone has or will develop those kinks, and that's fine too. Whatever your level of interest in any kink, your husband should respect that.

Sounds like a long conversation might be in order.
 
I absolutely loathe the term love making. It sounds so overblown and time consuming. Ick!

I love fucking. I love loving someone and it being mutual. I love sex. I love scenes.

I think what you are asking is can BDSM be part of a loving relationship? Yes. It can.

FF

:rose:
 
Regardless of the nature of the relationship, to me "sex" is the action itself, where love is just one of the many whys you may choose do it.
 
Kurokami said:
Fair enough, and that is an awesome post :D



I always took that to mean that the sub decides what he or she will and won't do; the moment you say no and your Dom forces the issue, it stops being bdsm and starts becoming something far more illegal. Only you can decide where your limits are, and a good Dom knows that he is beholden to that.
Click to expand...

That's true. It shouldn't be assault.
 
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I'm going to risk being offensive, but in my early 20's I was convinced that I could never separate sex and love, my partner then would be my partner forever and sex was really the function of intense romantic love, always end stop.

Some of us stay there, that's fine. Some don't. Some people seriously subsist on meat and potatoes forever and aren't missing anything.
 
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troubledone said:
BonnyBlue said:
I have heard that the sub is the one really in control. Not so sure. HE knows what pleases me but I thoroughly enjoy doing what HE wants and enjoys, to fulfill HIS every wish and desire. Is that reversed?

As for mentally stronger, mmm, I'd say no. We have very similar thoughts and ideas but sometimes different points of view. As for intelligence, HE wins! No question! And I take offense with anyone who claims otherwise about HIM!!


~Any thoughts? I know YOU are here!~ Ever Yours[/QUOTE]

Lucky Guy and you are kind to him ,actually he is a rubber stamp
Click to expand...

Rubber Stamp! Really?!
Click to expand...
 
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FurryFury said:
I think what you are asking is can BDSM be part of a loving relationship? Yes. It can.

FF

:rose:
Click to expand...


Of course it can, I have no question about that. The puzzle is how a person can have a vanilla relationship and a BDSM relationship going on simultaneously, with 2 separate individuals. How is that not adultery? Does consensuality on the part of everyone involved turn it into some kind of polyandry and therefore not adultery?

Am I confused, or what? Or am I imposing evaluative labels on things that most folks around here would not want to label in that way?
 
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