The Author's Hangout Vending Machine

[SailorJerry]

You get a large onion, a recipe for salsa but no chips.

I put in a bottle of soda and some cheap whisky.

but my neighbour's idiot friend nicks the bottle and downs most of it, then crawls off to make friends with the dog.

I put in one sauced spaniel.

 

[Handley_Page]

but my neighbour's idiot friend nicks the bottle and downs most of it, then crawls off to make friends with the dog.

I put in one sauced spaniel.

And an expensive Vet gets called.


I put in a Biro pen

 

[Tio_Narratore]

And an expensive Vet gets called.


I put in a Biro pen

and it comes back de-Magyared as a ball-point.

I put in a Koh-i-noor 000 technical nib...

 

[Handley_Page]

and it comes back de-Magyared as a ball-point.

I put in a Koh-i-noor 000 technical nib...

complete with an Instruction leaflet in 47 languages.


I put in a litre of good, real black, ink

 

[Tio_Narratore]

complete with an Instruction leaflet in 47 languages.


I put in a litre of good, real black, ink

and with the 000 nib, you get a line 394,000 miles long.

I put in a stippling brush...

 

[SailorJerry]

and with the 000 nib, you get a line 394,000 miles long.

I put in a stippling brush...

and Boy George wins the drag queen competition for another consecutive year !

I put in a drag race.

 

[gypsymoonrose]

and Boy George wins the drag queen competition for another consecutive year !

I put in a drag race.

You get a wrecked car and a pair of uncomfortable heels.

I put in a racing flag and a bucket of stale unbuttered popcorn.

 

[SailorJerry]

You get a wrecked car and a pair of uncomfortable heels.

I put in a racing flag and a bucket of stale unbuttered popcorn.

and you get a matching checkered leather pussycat bodysuit, and a pushbroom.

I put in a Cafe Racer with unsynchrinized carburetors.

 

[gypsymoonrose]

and you get a matching checkered leather pussycat bodysuit, and a pushbroom.

I put in a Cafe Racer with unsynchrinized carburetors.

Slinky!

You get a hottie and the soundtrack to quadrophenia.

Puts in an oversized overcoat and a bellboy.

 

[SailorJerry]

Slinky!

You get a hottie and the soundtrack to quadrophenia.

Puts in an oversized overcoat and a bellboy.

but after his shift he becomes just another flasher wearing a fez.

I put in a frantic call to the manager, but the wife wants to track him down on her own.

 

[gypsymoonrose]

but after his shift he becomes just another flasher wearing a fez.

I put in a frantic call to the manager, but the wife wants to track him down on her own.

Shriner convention?

He saves himself by bringing home a pretty necklace and flowers.

You get a pat on the back and unpaid overtime.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Shriner convention?

He saves himself by bringing home a pretty necklace and flowers.

You get a pat on the back and unpaid overtime.

and what will you put in, gypsy?

 

[SailorJerry]

and what will you put in, gypsy?

I think she put in a pat on the back ...

Shriner convention?

He saves himself by bringing home a pretty necklace and flowers.

You get a pat on the back and unpaid overtime.

and you get a grievance filed over long hours and cancelled stat holidays.

I put in washroom breaks in lieu of vacation time.

 

[gypsymoonrose]

I think she put in a pat on the back ...




and you get a grievance filed over long hours and cancelled stat holidays.

I put in washroom breaks in lieu of vacation time.

Puts it next to all my lost holidays and pens.

Puts in a towel to go with the pat.

You get written up for too much alone time.

 

[SailorJerry]

Puts it next to all my lost holidays and pens.

Puts in a towel to go with the pat.

You get written up for too much alone time.

which explains the funny looks I get when I emerge from the washroom at work. (that towel 'came' in 'handy' )

I put in a problem obsessive masturbator.

 

[Handley_Page]

which explains the funny looks I get when I emerge from the washroom at work. (that towel 'came' in 'handy' )

I put in a problem obsessive masturbator.

and all the shrinks have Field Day.


I put in an automatic air dryer.

 

[gypsymoonrose]

and all the shrinks have Field Day.


I put in an automatic air dryer.

and you get a blown fuse.

I put in a blueberry pie and a kitten that wants to scratch furniture.

 

[Handley_Page]

and you get a blown fuse.

I put in a blueberry pie and a kitten that wants to scratch furniture.

But the pie gets eaten too soon and the little cat pukes blueberry goo all over the new carpet.


I put in an animal trainer

 

[gypsymoonrose]

But the pie gets eaten too soon and the little cat pukes blueberry goo all over the new carpet.


I put in an animal trainer

Ha, I had a cat who liked sweets.

You get a mini carpet cleaner and a brush.

I put in catnip and a ball of yarn.

 

[Austin8]

Ha, I had a cat who liked sweets.

You get a mini carpet cleaner and a brush.

I put in catnip and a ball of yarn.

and you're pulled over at a mexican checkpoint, and ask, "Paso a paso para salir del coche, senior."

I put in a pack of Luckys, and an RC Cola.

 

[SailorJerry]

and you're pulled over at a mexican checkpoint, and ask, "Paso a paso para salir del coche, senior."

I put in a pack of Luckys, and an RC Cola.

and you get a 16yo having a belching contest out in front of the Circle-K

I put in a pumpkin carving contest, for Lit members.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

and you get a 16yo having a belching contest out in front of the Circle-K

I put in a pumpkin carving contest, for Lit members.

and the "How To" forum has a new thread entitled "Carving a Jack-Off Lantern?"

I put in a Butter-Nut Squash...

 

[SailorJerry]

and the "How To" forum has a new thread entitled "Carving a Jack-Off Lantern?"

I put in a Butter-Nut Squash...

And you get an informative How To Manual (see attachment)

I put in a two-speed cordless drill with several custom made attachments.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

And you get an informative How To Manual (see attachment)

I put in a two-speed cordless drill with several custom made attachments.

and a two-speed apron-less maid gets attached to your customary drillings.

I put in a DIY bricolage box...

 

[Austin8]

and a two-speed apron-less maid gets attached to your customary drillings.

I put in a DIY bricolage box...

and the Lego carpenter swings into action

I put in a Bob the Builder VHS tape recording.