How do you help someone get over being abused

[Noor]

I have read both of the replies above....

I think talking about abuse issues can be a healer, I strongly believe that, but my gf is reluctant to talk about it, it comes out slowly, it is in her mind ' a dirty little secret', she is also afraid for the reactions of other people. When she tells me something, she thinks I need to take some distance from her. I don't want to take any distance from her, I want to hold her tight to me.

She does not come to the lit, because of the 'porn' label, she dislikes any kind of fysical, verbal, emotional negative vibe, wether it is on the net, the TV, or the real life. She does not look at the TV because she can be confronted with violence, so that is an indication how bad things were. she describes it as terror.

I think she just wants to forget it, but I think that will empower her negative emotions. But I can't force her to talk about it, just the feeling that she is pushed in some directions gives her the feeling off being forced.

I would like to strenghten the 'godess' in her and disarm the negative emotions in her, for now I give her a lot of love, kissings, tenderness,
boost her confidence, be with her, talk with her, and she gives me a lot of love back.

Some times you need to just forget about it for a while, and ignore anything that reminds you. Then when you feel like you are in a safe space you can process some of it.

 

[Gil_T2]

hi gil and bandit i got your email from noor and wanted to thank you guys. im out of the hospital now and doing ok. im in a little pain but the fusion they just did does restrict me even more. i did do alot of thinking when i was in there but not sure if it did any good. im not a money gambler but i gambled with my life so to speak. i lived hard. wel my conclusion is there are 3 strikes in baseball well i think i just had my 3rd one and i craped out. the doc told me to never think about working agian the new procedure will slow things down alot but never be a perminent fix. plus ive made up my mind they can put me in a wheele chair before i ever have surgery agian. 3 in 3 yrs is to much. thanks agian for the email. and hope you are doing better

tbon, keep us informed on your recovery. I can imagine how your feeling but medical procedures are imporving all the time & I do know about operations as I've had around 11 in 10 years & all were needed if I wanted to live.

Thanks to PertPerth, GentleSub_Ivy & VermilionSkye for dropping in to let us know they are still around. I would likely know if I travelled the Lit boards more than I do.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hello to Everyone!!!!!

I have not been on my beloved computer since the semester was over and now, that it starts on Monday, thought I would catch up. Well, on page four of this thread (going back in history) that catching up process became way too much for me, I think I had at least another four until my last post.
Blushing
So.....I'll catch up eventually, but meanwhile, Happy New Year to Everyone, Gil I love your Santa costume....and big hugs.
Marie

So glad to see you back & hope R/L has been keeping you busy & the joys of life have you searing lots of smiles.

Wait till you see my easter bunny. ONLY JOKING about easter bunny costume.

 

[Gil_T2]

I have read both of the replies above....

I think talking about abuse issues can be a healer, I strongly believe that, but my gf is reluctant to talk about it, it comes out slowly, it is in her mind ' a dirty little secret', she is also afraid for the reactions of other people. When she tells me something, she thinks I need to take some distance from her. I don't want to take any distance from her, I want to hold her tight to me.

She does not come to the lit, because of the 'porn' label, she dislikes any kind of fysical, verbal, emotional negative vibe, wether it is on the net, the TV, or the real life. She does not look at the TV because she can be confronted with violence, so that is an indication how bad things were. she describes it as terror.

I think she just wants to forget it, but I think that will empower her negative emotions. But I can't force her to talk about it, just the feeling that she is pushed in some directions gives her the feeling off being forced.

I would like to strenghten the 'godess' in her and disarm the negative emotions in her, for now I give her a lot of love, kissings, tenderness,
boost her confidence, be with her, talk with her, and she gives me a lot of love back.

I think your g/f will open up when she feels comfortable with herself to let things out till then continue to be there for her letting her know how you feel about her.

 

[Gil_T2]

Noor & Cinn thanks for posting.

 

[Noor]

So glad to see you back & hope R/L has been keeping you busy & the joys of life have you searing lots of smiles.

Wait till you see my easter bunny. ONLY JOKING about easter bunny costume.

I am SO disappointed!

 

[PertPerth]

Some times you need to just forget about it for a while, and ignore anything that reminds you. Then when you feel like you are in a safe space you can process some of it.

That is so true. Sometimes it can be exhausting just to think about it, so it's nice to have a break!

I think your g/f will open up when she feels comfortable with herself to let things out till then continue to be there for her letting her know how you feel about her.

I know that is true for many people, including myself. The more people pry, the less I tell them. I talk when I want to, when I'm ready - and not just about the abuse.

Hang in there Dvision.

And Happy 2008 everyone

 

[PublicAffection]

My honey has helped me to work through a lot of issues resulting from a lifetime of abuse. I still have a lot of issues - I'm the first to admit that. But, I now have a regular sleep cycle and I am able to tell him when I want or need something - simple things which I have not been able to do my entire life.

He is the most patient and supportive person I have ever known. He never pushes me to work through something that I'm not ready to face, he never tells me that I am being silly about the way I feel. He is just there to hold me when I need to be held, and let me have my space when I need to have space.

It takes a lot to help someone get out of and over an abusive lifestyle. It takes a lot of time, a lot of patience, and a lot of love.

 

[Gil_T2]

My honey has helped me to work through a lot of issues resulting from a lifetime of abuse. I still have a lot of issues - I'm the first to admit that. But, I now have a regular sleep cycle and I am able to tell him when I want or need something - simple things which I have not been able to do my entire life.

He is the most patient and supportive person I have ever known. He never pushes me to work through something that I'm not ready to face, he never tells me that I am being silly about the way I feel. He is just there to hold me when I need to be held, and let me have my space when I need to have space.

It takes a lot to help someone get out of and over an abusive lifestyle. It takes a lot of time, a lot of patience, and a lot of love.

Some of us have been blessed by meeting a partner who loves us enough to be there for us regardless of what that need is be it a cuddle, some space away to be on your own or even just a smile they make it a lot easier to cope when things return to remind you what happened & these triggers can come from something minor or non threatening.

BANDIT used to have dreams a lot when we were first together & a cuddle & reassurance helped her a lot, at this time I can't remember the last one.

 

[PublicAffection]

Some of us have been blessed by meeting a partner who loves us enough to be there for us regardless of what that need is be it a cuddle, some space away to be on your own or even just a smile they make it a lot easier to cope when things return to remind you what happened & these triggers can come from something minor or non threatening.

BANDIT used to have dreams a lot when we were first together & a cuddle & reassurance helped her a lot, at this time I can't remember the last one.

Actually, my s/o and I just had a converstaion the other night about how much of a difference my sleep cycle has had. When we first started sleeping together I would toss, turn, jerk and panic in my sleep. Now, I sleep almost all night every night without incident.

I didn't realize how bad it was before (I was just used to it being like that), but it really opened my eyes when he said that it was really scary for him when we first started sleeping together. He didn't understand what was happening and it frightened him. It means a lot to me that he has stuck with me even when my reaction to triggers has made him uncomfortable or scared.

 

[Gil_T2]

Actually, my s/o and I just had a converstaion the other night about how much of a difference my sleep cycle has had. When we first started sleeping together I would toss, turn, jerk and panic in my sleep. Now, I sleep almost all night every night without incident.

I didn't realize how bad it was before (I was just used to it being like that), but it really opened my eyes when he said that it was really scary for him when we first started sleeping together. He didn't understand what was happening and it frightened him. It means a lot to me that he has stuck with me even when my reaction to triggers has made him uncomfortable or scared.

Your partner feeling uncomfortable or scared is only because he cares but dosen't / didn't understand the triggers that have caused the problem but as you open up he will understand better.

 

[tbon455]

hi gil gerry here how are you doing? i hope better things are slowly getting better for be health wise but the constant pain back and the numbness on my right side now is takeing its toll on me. its starting to affect my relationship with my wife. i did start going to counsling 2 weeks ago and because of my issues they are going to put me in this program to retrain me to get back to a some what normal life. im not sure what that is anymore but i just hope its better then the one i have now. i see that im going back down hill yesterday was a disaster and i had no one to talk to luckily it was saved and my wife and i are going to try harder to get things right but i almost called it quits i was a jump away cause i had enough. im tired and out of energy to keep fighting but for some reason i find a way. by the way do you have yahoo im?

 

[sxcascinn]

hi gil gerry here how are you doing? i hope better things are slowly getting better for be health wise but the constant pain back and the numbness on my right side now is takeing its toll on me. its starting to affect my relationship with my wife. i did start going to counsling 2 weeks ago and because of my issues they are going to put me in this program to retrain me to get back to a some what normal life. im not sure what that is anymore but i just hope its better then the one i have now. i see that im going back down hill yesterday was a disaster and i had no one to talk to luckily it was saved and my wife and i are going to try harder to get things right but i almost called it quits i was a jump away cause i had enough. im tired and out of energy to keep fighting but for some reason i find a way. by the way do you have yahoo im?

Hey tbon
Keep fighting it's worth it.
Ever need an ear I am here tooas i am sure others are.
You're obviously taking steps in the right direction.. Thats the hardest thing to do.
Get back on track... Just remember It's never a smooth road and there will be plenty of bumbs along the way...
big hugs from me. hope all is going well for you

 

[PertPerth]

Hello All

There are lots of issues mixed up in my head at the moment. Fortunately I'm in a good space to deal with things right now! All my major issues seem to be connected to each other, it get's a little messy!

I have vulva vestibulitis (or vaginal pain and inflamation during penetration, especially during sex) and have finally seen the specialist physiotherapist - I had to wait 4 months. She asked about any history of abuse, I told her. I also told her that I was 100% positive that it wasn't related to my pain as I used to have trouble inserting tampons etc and I've worked through my issues surrounding it (which is true). It reminded me that I'd not told my boyfriend much in the way of detail (pretty much no detail!!) about the abuse or my condition and that I really SHOULD tell him in case I have an off day during treatment.

Last Tuesday night, my boyfriend came over and we chatted - nothing like we have before. We have always been quite open with each other, yet we're both overly independent and so always hold back on all the detail. One thing he brought up - he kissed another girl a few months ago and wanted to be honest with me. (He's playing (in his band) at her birthday party tonight...which I'm not invited to, but don't really mind about that.) My thoughts on "cheating" is that I'd not want to be told - and he knew that. He said that I should demand better; and he's right, I should. My reasoning is that I can see reasons why guys would look for sex elsewhere and I haven't always been the best lover (to be honest, I went without sex for about 8 years because it was easier for me!) I thought he was going to break up with me. He didn't and I'm glad. I thought I'd feel very insecure about a relationship if I found out I'd been cheated on...but I don't. Maybe that is because he didn't sleep with her; maybe it's because he is sorry and wants to be with me; or maybe it was my fault for assuming that all guys cheat and expecting it?

So, then we talked about other things. He talked about his depression, I told him about my brother. There is still more we should have told each other - from both sides - but at least we made a start.

I hope everyone is well and happy. I know I'm happy - even if life feels a little bumpy at times!

Pert

 

[Gil_T2]

hi gil gerry here how are you doing? i hope better things are slowly getting better for be health wise but the constant pain back and the numbness on my right side now is takeing its toll on me. its starting to affect my relationship with my wife. i did start going to counsling 2 weeks ago and because of my issues they are going to put me in this program to retrain me to get back to a some what normal life. im not sure what that is anymore but i just hope its better then the one i have now. i see that im going back down hill yesterday was a disaster and i had no one to talk to luckily it was saved and my wife and i are going to try harder to get things right but i almost called it quits i was a jump away cause i had enough. im tired and out of energy to keep fighting but for some reason i find a way. by the way do you have yahoo im?

Hi Gerry, sorry it's taken me a while to reply but been in hospital for a couple of operations & sadly will have to go back again in a week or 2 for more.

Gerry I know how hard it gets at times as I do go through it specially when everything we are doing is the right thing yet time after time things are going massivily wrong but with BANDIT's love it keeps me going & find that I am able to cope because of the joys she brings to my life.
Back pain is also a thing I suffer on a daily basis along with shoulder pain in both, the fingers of my left hand are still not functioning like they should & signing my signature to documents is nothing like my real sig so I can well understand where your comming from, don't give up hope & try to keep the good things in life in your thoughts.

KEEP FINDING A WAY !!!!!

 

[Gil_T2]

Hello All

There are lots of issues mixed up in my head at the moment. Fortunately I'm in a good space to deal with things right now! All my major issues seem to be connected to each other, it get's a little messy!

I have vulva vestibulitis (or vaginal pain and inflamation during penetration, especially during sex) and have finally seen the specialist physiotherapist - I had to wait 4 months. She asked about any history of abuse, I told her. I also told her that I was 100% positive that it wasn't related to my pain as I used to have trouble inserting tampons etc and I've worked through my issues surrounding it (which is true). It reminded me that I'd not told my boyfriend much in the way of detail (pretty much no detail!!) about the abuse or my condition and that I really SHOULD tell him in case I have an off day during treatment.

Last Tuesday night, my boyfriend came over and we chatted - nothing like we have before. We have always been quite open with each other, yet we're both overly independent and so always hold back on all the detail. One thing he brought up - he kissed another girl a few months ago and wanted to be honest with me. (He's playing (in his band) at her birthday party tonight...which I'm not invited to, but don't really mind about that.) My thoughts on "cheating" is that I'd not want to be told - and he knew that. He said that I should demand better; and he's right, I should. My reasoning is that I can see reasons why guys would look for sex elsewhere and I haven't always been the best lover (to be honest, I went without sex for about 8 years because it was easier for me!) I thought he was going to break up with me. He didn't and I'm glad. I thought I'd feel very insecure about a relationship if I found out I'd been cheated on...but I don't. Maybe that is because he didn't sleep with her; maybe it's because he is sorry and wants to be with me; or maybe it was my fault for assuming that all guys cheat and expecting it?

So, then we talked about other things. He talked about his depression, I told him about my brother. There is still more we should have told each other - from both sides - but at least we made a start.

I hope everyone is well and happy. I know I'm happy - even if life feels a little bumpy at times!

Pert

You have started to trust each other some more & that is a very big positive for your relationship as well as a large positive for you.

I don't really understand the bit about your B/F kissing another female as cheating or was it more than a kiss? Anyway many do not want to know about the cheating as it is a form of denial to many & as long as the cheater is still giving them value time in the end it is only sex with out the love for you, both males & females use this method.

Each of us has to find the happy medium that fits right for them & if it works there is nothing wrong with it at all.

The vaginal pain thing has many ladies in the same boat as you so maybe try google or other search engine for groupes as with abuse no one understands the problems face like those who are dealing with it also try medical info etc & read up, knowledge is a good thing specially dealing with the doctors.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hey tbon
Keep fighting it's worth it.
Ever need an ear I am here tooas i am sure others are.
You're obviously taking steps in the right direction.. Thats the hardest thing to do.
Get back on track... Just remember It's never a smooth road and there will be plenty of bumbs along the way...
big hugs from me. hope all is going well for you

Cinn, wonderful post & thank you for being here in my absence.

 

[tbon455]

thanks gil i did have a good day at court last thursday my support got lowered and the court owes me 3500 in over payment in child support. plus my ex has to give me the kids instead of going to daycare. that was a good day and a giant step forward but as always i got knocked down agian the bank repoed my truck today and i got deniged my social security so now i had to get a lawyer for that. i dont know some days i wish i would never wake up.

 

[sxcascinn]

thanks gil i did have a good day at court last thursday my support got lowered and the court owes me 3500 in over payment in child support. plus my ex has to give me the kids instead of going to daycare. that was a good day and a giant step forward but as always i got knocked down agian the bank repoed my truck today and i got deniged my social security so now i had to get a lawyer for that. i dont know some days i wish i would never wake up.

Well the truck is a thing that with time that can be replaced.
But the love of your kids and the time that you get to spend with them is an awesome gift. Cherish it and it will help put the rest into perspective.
Governments suck when it comes to helping people in need so i hope you get sorted..
As always if you need an ear I am willing to listen
Big Hugs
Cinn

 

[sxcascinn]

Hi Gerry, sorry it's taken me a while to reply but been in hospital for a couple of operations & sadly will have to go back again in a week or 2 for more.

Gerry I know how hard it gets at times as I do go through it specially when everything we are doing is the right thing yet time after time things are going massivily wrong but with BANDIT's love it keeps me going & find that I am able to cope because of the joys she brings to my life.
Back pain is also a thing I suffer on a daily basis along with shoulder pain in both, the fingers of my left hand are still not functioning like they should & signing my signature to documents is nothing like my real sig so I can well understand where your comming from, don't give up hope & try to keep the good things in life in your thoughts.

KEEP FINDING A WAY !!!!!

Cinn, wonderful post & thank you for being here in my absence.

Just Glad your back and doing okish. Shame you have to go back for another op so soon though
Hope you and bandit are in good spirits even so
Hugs

 

[tbon455]

yes it is but know one understands what i went through to keep it it wasnt about the material thing. its hard to explain. i already have a lawyer for my ssi. yes it does feel good to have as much time as i can with my kids. and thanks for listening when i need an ear.

 

[sxcascinn]

Hello All

There are lots of issues mixed up in my head at the moment. Fortunately I'm in a good space to deal with things right now! All my major issues seem to be connected to each other, it get's a little messy!

I have vulva vestibulitis (or vaginal pain and inflamation during penetration, especially during sex) and have finally seen the specialist physiotherapist - I had to wait 4 months. She asked about any history of abuse, I told her. I also told her that I was 100% positive that it wasn't related to my pain as I used to have trouble inserting tampons etc and I've worked through my issues surrounding it (which is true). It reminded me that I'd not told my boyfriend much in the way of detail (pretty much no detail!!) about the abuse or my condition and that I really SHOULD tell him in case I have an off day during treatment.

Last Tuesday night, my boyfriend came over and we chatted - nothing like we have before. We have always been quite open with each other, yet we're both overly independent and so always hold back on all the detail. One thing he brought up - he kissed another girl a few months ago and wanted to be honest with me. (He's playing (in his band) at her birthday party tonight...which I'm not invited to, but don't really mind about that.) My thoughts on "cheating" is that I'd not want to be told - and he knew that. He said that I should demand better; and he's right, I should. My reasoning is that I can see reasons why guys would look for sex elsewhere and I haven't always been the best lover (to be honest, I went without sex for about 8 years because it was easier for me!) I thought he was going to break up with me. He didn't and I'm glad. I thought I'd feel very insecure about a relationship if I found out I'd been cheated on...but I don't. Maybe that is because he didn't sleep with her; maybe it's because he is sorry and wants to be with me; or maybe it was my fault for assuming that all guys cheat and expecting it?

So, then we talked about other things. He talked about his depression, I told him about my brother. There is still more we should have told each other - from both sides - but at least we made a start.

I hope everyone is well and happy. I know I'm happy - even if life feels a little bumpy at times!

Pert

Glad you are seeing a specialist. Really hope it helps.
It's great that you and your bf are communicating more.
I know what you mean about all things being interrelated and very messy. lol
I feel the same.
So many issues and yet I can never seem to separate one from the other.
Lucky my bf doesn't mind listening to me ramble and go off on tangents as I try to sort my head out sometimes
And for the record you deserve the best. So do I so does everyone here. It begins with attitude I guess. If we don't believe we deserve good things they won't come our way. Hard work changing the attitudes of a lifetime.
Just gotta keep on keeping on and being positive.
Hugs

 

[sxcascinn]

yes it is but know one understands what i went through to keep it it wasnt about the material thing. its hard to explain. i already have a lawyer for my ssi. yes it does feel good to have as much time as i can with my kids. and thanks for listening when i need an ear.

Anytime.
And yeah losing something you worked really hard for is a real downer.
Hope things come together for you in the near future. Hugs

 

[Gil_T2]

Just Glad your back and doing okish. Shame you have to go back for another op so soon though
Hope you and bandit are in good spirits even so
Hugs

Hi Cinn, Got the news from the surgeon Tuesday that it will be 3 weeks before I get the op & then another 6 weeks till I can use it so we just have to wait.

BANDIT has had some worries that have got her down a bit lately but we are dealing with it.

 

[Gil_T2]

thanks gil i did have a good day at court last thursday my support got lowered and the court owes me 3500 in over payment in child support. plus my ex has to give me the kids instead of going to daycare. that was a good day and a giant step forward but as always i got knocked down agian the bank repoed my truck today and i got deniged my social security so now i had to get a lawyer for that. i dont know some days i wish i would never wake up.

I do know the feeling of not wanting to wake but I do wake so take the next day as it comes & move on with life, from you post it dosen't seem that glum even though you lost the truck & social security you did have some good wins & the best of all access to your kids so dwell on the enjoyment of having your kids close.