How do you help someone get over being abused

[sxcascinn]

Hi Cinn, Got the news from the surgeon Tuesday that it will be 3 weeks before I get the op & then another 6 weeks till I can use it so we just have to wait.

BANDIT has had some worries that have got her down a bit lately but we are dealing with it.

Oh that bites. Hope he doesn't stuff it up again when you do eventually get in to have it.
Hugs for both you and bandit, Thinking of you both

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

Would it be possible for me to talk to someone on here?
I know it sounds weird but i honestly dont feel comfortable posting the details for the world to see.
Probably sounds really stupid, but yeah. Just need someone to talk to.
My boyfriend has helped me with a lot of my problems but he doesnt understand enough to really know what to say.

 

[Bandit58]

Would it be possible for me to talk to someone on here?
I know it sounds weird but i honestly dont feel comfortable posting the details for the world to see.
Probably sounds really stupid, but yeah. Just need someone to talk to.
My boyfriend has helped me with a lot of my problems but he doesnt understand enough to really know what to say.

Feel free to PM either me or Gil I'll send you a PM with our email addy, yahoo and msn if you'd like to use any of those.

 

[Gil_T2]

Would it be possible for me to talk to someone on here?
I know it sounds weird but i honestly dont feel comfortable posting the details for the world to see.
Probably sounds really stupid, but yeah. Just need someone to talk to.
My boyfriend has helped me with a lot of my problems but he doesnt understand enough to really know what to say.

I don't see anything stupid in your post at all.

BANDIT has sent you a PM with our contact details & yes many others have never even posted on here but have PM'd me.

 

[Gil_T2]

Just a gentle bump for the thread just incase it's needed.

 

[xxxPEACHxxx]

I would first try to help her (or him) let go of the guilt. Then I would try to help them use the anger for their own healing. Then I would help them cry.
And if all that helped, they'd be well on their way, so I would just watch them bloom.

 

[bshed]

My own personal experience of abuse is incredibly trivial. A botched groping by a teacher. No lasting effect other than some slight guilt that I never reported the incident (I was ten and didn't know who to turn to).

But more recently I was talking to a girl who is a colleague. We found we shared loads of interests and ended up becoming good friends. She confided some of the dark secrets of her past. She was sexually abused by her step father from the age of 7. She had distanced herself from her family partially because of threats that were made. She had several unhappy relationships since she was an adult. At the time she had moved in with her boyfriend who (as seems so common in these stories) was charming until the day she moved in. Then there was no physical abuse but rather she was made to feel unwelcome at home, and he was dismissive of her interests and hobbies.

She kept saying she wanted to get away and she found the strength to get herself a flat and moved away. They did not break up and he went back to being the charming person he had been.

She decided to call it off with him before Christmas and is now very tentatively starting a new relationship. It's early days but fingers crossed she has found the right man this time.

Despite being really close friends she has not told me everything. She has told me there is more and that quite likely it will really be upsetting to hear.

Everyone who is abused is different. In her case she has made an incredible recovery from a very bad start in life. She is always very positive and does not let her past rule her life. She hates getting pity from people and wants only understanding. She was a victim but not any more. I often tell her that I wish I had her strength.

 

[Gil_T2]

I would first try to help her (or him) let go of the guilt. Then I would try to help them use the anger for their own healing. Then I would help them cry.
And if all that helped, they'd be well on their way, so I would just watch them bloom.

PEACH, a rather simplified system but one that can help many cope although I wonder if they would be WELL on their way, it is a lot of small steps on a road of discovery.

thanks for posting.

 

[Gil_T2]

My own personal experience of abuse is incredibly trivial. A botched groping by a teacher. No lasting effect other than some slight guilt that I never reported the incident (I was ten and didn't know who to turn to).

But more recently I was talking to a girl who is a colleague. We found we shared loads of interests and ended up becoming good friends. She confided some of the dark secrets of her past. She was sexually abused by her step father from the age of 7. She had distanced herself from her family partially because of threats that were made. She had several unhappy relationships since she was an adult. At the time she had moved in with her boyfriend who (as seems so common in these stories) was charming until the day she moved in. Then there was no physical abuse but rather she was made to feel unwelcome at home, and he was dismissive of her interests and hobbies.

She kept saying she wanted to get away and she found the strength to get herself a flat and moved away. They did not break up and he went back to being the charming person he had been.

She decided to call it off with him before Christmas and is now very tentatively starting a new relationship. It's early days but fingers crossed she has found the right man this time.

Despite being really close friends she has not told me everything. She has told me there is more and that quite likely it will really be upsetting to hear.

Everyone who is abused is different. In her case she has made an incredible recovery from a very bad start in life. She is always very positive and does not let her past rule her life. She hates getting pity from people and wants only understanding. She was a victim but not any more. I often tell her that I wish I had her strength.

From your post I gather that she is dealing with things that ppl who haven't been abused have to deal with in that last relationship.
The fact she had the strength to call it off rather than stick with the relationship because it was what she knows is a very positive in her favor.

As for strength I have drawn so much strength from KIKI who used to come here, a wonderful lady who has inspired several of us.

With the abuse understanding is the key.

 

[kikmosa]

From your post I gather that she is dealing with things that ppl who haven't been abused have to deal with in that last relationship.
The fact she had the strength to call it off rather than stick with the relationship because it was what she knows is a very positive in her favor.

As for strength I have drawn so much strength from KIKI who used to come here, a wonderful lady who has inspired several of us.

With the abuse understanding is the key.

I'm still here Gil, I just rarely say anything. And I agree with you. The fact that she had the courage to end the relationship is amazing. Good for her.

 

[Gil_T2]

I'm still here Gil, I just rarely say anything. And I agree with you. The fact that she had the courage to end the relationship is amazing. Good for her.

KIKI so wonderful to see you drop in here, you are never far from my thoughts & always have a spot that is yours in my heart dear friend.

 

[kikmosa]

KIKI so wonderful to see you drop in here, you are never far from my thoughts & always have a spot that is yours in my heart dear friend.

As well, your always in my thoughts and heart and prayers.

 

[Noor]

I'm still here Gil, I just rarely say anything. And I agree with you. The fact that she had the courage to end the relationship is amazing. Good for her.

Hi Kiki!!!!

 

[kikmosa]

Hi Kiki!!!!

Hello Noor.

 

[Gil_T2]

A little BUMP to keep the thread in sight

Saw this & though it might be good here .....

Character cannot be devoloped in easy & quite.
Only through experience of trail & suffering can the soul be strengthened,
ambition inspired, and success achieved.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

sorry Gil and Bandit.
I havent had the chance to get on yahoo to speak with you 2 yet.
Its been really hectic here, first i got sick then everyone around me got sick-including my mom. Later found out that her cold gradually turned into pneamonia or however its spelled. So i've been in and out of the hospital visiting with her - she finally got released yesturday and is doing much much better.
I'll try to make it on yahoo soon to speak with you guys...and sorry for the really long wait.

later
Agony

 

[VampGirl]

Some girls are so excited when they finally get a boyfriend and trust me i was one of those. I met this guy when i was 15 years old he was very attractive fun to be around and seemed to really like me. We started having sex very quickly something i was not ready to do but the ol "if you love me you will' trick worked like a charm. I gave it up much to my shame and thus began the controlling abussive behavior. I have been struggling with a eating disorder since i was 10 and he knew this. He would call be "chubby" or "chuncky" as a "cute" pet name for me. He knew how it would make me feel but contuined to do it watching as i began to starve myself and work out to the point i would almost pass out. i weight almost 130 when we started dating, by teh end of the relationship i was almost 90 pounds.

When he wouldn't be able to get off it was my fault. One time he punched me in the vagina because "i wasn't doing my job" i asked him about oral sex because i was young i had never done it before and he said that i smelled bad and he would never do it for me because i was too wet. AT that young of an age that can cause some serious problems...and it did.

I had missed my period. He walked up to me and punched me in the stomach so i would lose the baby, he told me that if i didn't miscarrage that he would take a metal wire and stick it up me untill i did. but of corse there was no need for him to do that the abuse to my belly made me lose my baby. since then teh doctors are scared i might not be able to concieve.

He would push me up aganist walls and by "accident" push my down steps. No one knew of the abuse not even my family, he made sure my bruises were always covered. He got to the point that he would tell me what to wear to school everyday....and i listened.

One day i found out he was cheating on me and then he dumped me...i had blamed myself for everything. All i wanted to do was roll up into a ball and die..and trust me i almost did.

I have never gotten over that pain and thank God i have a wonderful man who has worked with me for 3 years to help me realize that i wasn't at fault. The other guy was. He is the first person to give me oral sex and he says that i smell and taste wonderful but it took him almost a year to get me to open up for him (no pun intended). I have come from shit and risin above it. For me i am able to talk about it but for some people they can't. The best thing to do is be there for that person, listen to their problems and help them love themselves as much as you love them. Help them learn to adjust to the new lifestyle show them how wonderful they are and how much they mean to you. Try not to yell, if you are frusterated try to talk calmly.

I have seen and been thru hell and trust me i know how hard it can be for the other person to sit back and watch, if you ever need anything pm me

 

[PertPerth]

Thank you for sharing your story, VampGirl.
It's so lovely to hear that you have such a supportive partner and you've obviously overcome a great deal of emotional and physical pain. You should be so proud of yourself.


I love this forum - even with the tales of abuse, there is so much love and hope. It comforts me and reminds me I'm not alone. Thank you all.

 

[kikmosa]

Some girls are so excited when they finally get a boyfriend and trust me i was one of those. I met this guy when i was 15 years old he was very attractive fun to be around and seemed to really like me. We started having sex very quickly something i was not ready to do but the ol "if you love me you will' trick worked like a charm. I gave it up much to my shame and thus began the controlling abussive behavior. I have been struggling with a eating disorder since i was 10 and he knew this. He would call be "chubby" or "chuncky" as a "cute" pet name for me. He knew how it would make me feel but contuined to do it watching as i began to starve myself and work out to the point i would almost pass out. i weight almost 130 when we started dating, by teh end of the relationship i was almost 90 pounds.

When he wouldn't be able to get off it was my fault. One time he punched me in the vagina because "i wasn't doing my job" i asked him about oral sex because i was young i had never done it before and he said that i smelled bad and he would never do it for me because i was too wet. AT that young of an age that can cause some serious problems...and it did.

I had missed my period. He walked up to me and punched me in the stomach so i would lose the baby, he told me that if i didn't miscarrage that he would take a metal wire and stick it up me untill i did. but of corse there was no need for him to do that the abuse to my belly made me lose my baby. since then teh doctors are scared i might not be able to concieve.

He would push me up aganist walls and by "accident" push my down steps. No one knew of the abuse not even my family, he made sure my bruises were always covered. He got to the point that he would tell me what to wear to school everyday....and i listened.

One day i found out he was cheating on me and then he dumped me...i had blamed myself for everything. All i wanted to do was roll up into a ball and die..and trust me i almost did.

I have never gotten over that pain and thank God i have a wonderful man who has worked with me for 3 years to help me realize that i wasn't at fault. The other guy was. He is the first person to give me oral sex and he says that i smell and taste wonderful but it took him almost a year to get me to open up for him (no pun intended). I have come from shit and risin above it. For me i am able to talk about it but for some people they can't. The best thing to do is be there for that person, listen to their problems and help them love themselves as much as you love them. Help them learn to adjust to the new lifestyle show them how wonderful they are and how much they mean to you. Try not to yell, if you are frusterated try to talk calmly.

I have seen and been thru hell and trust me i know how hard it can be for the other person to sit back and watch, if you ever need anything pm me

((((((((Vampgirl)))))))) I'm so sorry you had to go through that but like PertPerth said you've come through it and are a stronger person. And it sounds like you found a good man. Hold on to him, hun. As for the pain, you'll find that with the help of good friends and time it will fade away. One day it will just be a bad memory and then even that will fade. Again, congratulation on the new and stronger you.

 

[Gil_T2]

sorry Gil and Bandit.
I havent had the chance to get on yahoo to speak with you 2 yet.
Its been really hectic here, first i got sick then everyone around me got sick-including my mom. Later found out that her cold gradually turned into pneamonia or however its spelled. So i've been in and out of the hospital visiting with her - she finally got released yesturday and is doing much much better.
I'll try to make it on yahoo soon to speak with you guys...and sorry for the really long wait.

later
Agony

Never a need to say sorry, in your time when you are ready is OK. Very glad you mum is doing better & all around you get well soon.

I've had a few real life distractions myself with 5 operations in the last 5 months, things are looking good so far after the last op so fingers crossed this continues to improve so BANDIT & I can get things back to our version of normal instead of 3 x 5 hour session on the machine at hospital.

 

[Gil_T2]

Some girls are so excited when they finally get a boyfriend and trust me i was one of those. I met this guy when i was 15 years old he was very attractive fun to be around and seemed to really like me. We started having sex very quickly something i was not ready to do but the ol "if you love me you will' trick worked like a charm. I gave it up much to my shame and thus began the controlling abussive behavior. I have been struggling with a eating disorder since i was 10 and he knew this. He would call be "chubby" or "chuncky" as a "cute" pet name for me. He knew how it would make me feel but contuined to do it watching as i began to starve myself and work out to the point i would almost pass out. i weight almost 130 when we started dating, by teh end of the relationship i was almost 90 pounds.

When he wouldn't be able to get off it was my fault. One time he punched me in the vagina because "i wasn't doing my job" i asked him about oral sex because i was young i had never done it before and he said that i smelled bad and he would never do it for me because i was too wet. AT that young of an age that can cause some serious problems...and it did.

I had missed my period. He walked up to me and punched me in the stomach so i would lose the baby, he told me that if i didn't miscarrage that he would take a metal wire and stick it up me untill i did. but of corse there was no need for him to do that the abuse to my belly made me lose my baby. since then teh doctors are scared i might not be able to concieve.

He would push me up aganist walls and by "accident" push my down steps. No one knew of the abuse not even my family, he made sure my bruises were always covered. He got to the point that he would tell me what to wear to school everyday....and i listened.

One day i found out he was cheating on me and then he dumped me...i had blamed myself for everything. All i wanted to do was roll up into a ball and die..and trust me i almost did.

I have never gotten over that pain and thank God i have a wonderful man who has worked with me for 3 years to help me realize that i wasn't at fault. The other guy was. He is the first person to give me oral sex and he says that i smell and taste wonderful but it took him almost a year to get me to open up for him (no pun intended). I have come from shit and risin above it. For me i am able to talk about it but for some people they can't. The best thing to do is be there for that person, listen to their problems and help them love themselves as much as you love them. Help them learn to adjust to the new lifestyle show them how wonderful they are and how much they mean to you. Try not to yell, if you are frusterated try to talk calmly.

I have seen and been thru hell and trust me i know how hard it can be for the other person to sit back and watch, if you ever need anything pm me

VampGirl, Thankyou for joining others here who have been through their own abuse & offer a caring ear to others. it is people like you that makes this thread work as only someone who has been abused can know in some way what others are trying to deal with.

Continue to grow & as with your offer feel free to PM any of us here.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thankyou KIKI & Pert for your replies.

((((((((Vampgirl)))))))) I'm so sorry you had to go through that but like PertPerth said you've come through it and are a stronger person. And it sounds like you found a good man. Hold on to him, hun. As for the pain, you'll find that with the help of good friends and time it will fade away. One day it will just be a bad memory and then even that will fade. Again, congratulation on the new and stronger you.

Thank you for sharing your story, VampGirl.
It's so lovely to hear that you have such a supportive partner and you've obviously overcome a great deal of emotional and physical pain. You should be so proud of yourself.


I love this forum - even with the tales of abuse, there is so much love and hope. It comforts me and reminds me I'm not alone. Thank you all.

Love both the new AVs ladies.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

Bumping a wonderful thread with wonderful people.

 

[Gil_T2]

Bumping a wonderful thread with wonderful people.

Thankyou for the bump Ivy.

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMPING THE THREAD