Help Men and Women Better Connect in Adult Chat Rooms

[The_Id]

Hi fellow chat-goers,

The purpose of this thread is two-fold: to figure out why men and women have such a difficult time connecting in free adult chat rooms, and to work towards a solution so we can enjoy each other better on those platforms. I'm specifying "free" adult chat rooms because I have never used a paid service for this purpose, but I leave the door open for the paid options to yield better results. Having said that, I have used various free options over the past 20+ years, so I feel that I have enough experience to at least get this idea off the ground. I'll start by giving a little background of my online encounters, and then offer some questions that can hopefully stimulate the path towards some improvement. If you post that you disagree that there is a disconnect between men and women based on your personal experience, that is amazing. My only ask is that you share why you feel that your online interactions have gone swimmingly. What did he do, or what did she do, that kept things hot for both parties??

I was introduced to the internet through America Online back in my teenage years. It was a blast! You could enter random chat rooms with a click of your mouse, and talk to far-away people about anything you wanted. There was adrenaline, anticipation, all the wonderful things of connecting with strangers in a way that was mostly anonymous. I believe AIM and Yahoo Messengers became available shortly thereafter, followed by the cam/mic function on these platforms. Around this time, I also found my way to free porn and adult chat sites. Women and men were connecting on all of these chat sites at the time (even over cam), and I built up an ability to communicate effectively enough to enjoy these options with the fairer sex. I fully understand that some factors led to women being more careful on these chat sites over time (horror stories about in-person meet-ups, contemptible people taking advantage of another who gave just enough personal info to do so, etc). I also completely agree that it is important to weed out the poor players, and separate the wheat from the chaff when you have such a large pool of unknowns to choose from (and women definitely do). However, my opinion is that we may have gone a bit overboard with the caution and skepticism. There is still some anonymity to internet-based chats as compared to in-person interactions (ie, bars, clubs, parties, etc), and this should ideally allow for further sexual exploration with a willing participant. I personally find it very appealing to be able to see and/or hear my partner once there is a connection (shared interests, sense of humor, etc) over text, and continuing indefinitely with text-based chat just isn't attractive enough to me at a certain point. It has been said that some men are more visual and some women get more out of the written word, but it is also well-known that many women enjoy hearing a sexy voice (even if over a pair of earbuds).

When I log in to an adult chat site these days, there also seems to be a stark contrast in the aims of men as compared to those of women: the men seem to be looking for overt sexual play in private (mutual masturbation/teasing, giving and/or receiving sexual instruction from their partner, cam/mic play, etc), while the women appear to lean more towards commenting-on/captioning picture posts (non-nude women pics seem to be a big hit with women currently), and sometimes roleplaying over text-based chat. Ladies, feel free to correct me on that if I have misjudged the majority! Allowing for differences between the sexes, I still feel like we're falling away from the potential connections that could be happening in these chats. I feel like roleplaying may be a potential "bridge" between men and women, if the text-based play could transition at some point to at least voice-chatting (even if just to moaning or using a voice-changer, if there is true concern about sharing your real voice). Successful roleplays (those that lead to mutual satisfaction) are very tricky between most men and most women, though, and we can discuss this further if there is interest.

The anonymity of chat rooms would seem to make for a safer, less-inhibited approach for all involved to explore their sexuality, even if people are at times sharing glimpses of their voice and body from the neck-down. While I understand that showing your face or unique tattoos/birthmarks/etc on cam are reason for pause, I have found that the majority of women are just as hesitant to voice-chat over like-minded interests that they are already enjoying (pics, roleplays, etc), even if the man is ready to cam and mic from his end. This is true even in chat rooms with names like "Cam-Play," when there are many other available rooms that do not obviously imply using more of the senses. I understand that some men can be disappointing from the initial opener ("want to see my cock and cyber?"), but this is not the typical approach of the men I am speaking of here. Just as with in-person interactions, there are men who are decent conversationalists online and are there for the give-and-take of exploration and mutual satisfaction. I also understand that my experience is biased as a man, but I feel that I am reporting objectively enough to at least get some of the perceived differences on the table. So, to keep this to a readable length, and leave room for people to take the discussion in whatever direction feels most beneficial to the goals listed at the top of this post, here are some related questions to consider:

- Why are the ratios (of women-to-men) so poor in free adult chat rooms? If women go to other platforms for online sexual play with men, what are these? Maybe pay sites (where they know that men are committing something a little more tangible to the interaction)? Maybe non-sex-themed chat rooms where they can build a connection before escalating?
- Do you believe there is just too big a natural disconnect between what men and women want online for adult chat rooms to be a mutually-enjoyable, sexual playground?
- For women who have enjoyed online sex play with a man: What made the interaction enjoyable for you? Did he do something that helped keep you engrossed, or did you feel like he let you control the direction of the play? Do you enjoy speaking on mic or showing yourself on cam if you are interested during the text-based introduction?
- For men who have enjoyed online sex play with a woman over voice-chat and/or cam: Did things fizzle quickly over mic/cam? If not, what kept it fresh? What do you feel allowed things to transition comfortably enough to those options from text-based chat? Did it take multiple interactions to build comfort and rapport over time, or scheduling something for when she would have more privacy?

I appreciate you all, and hope this has not had the unintended effect of making me sound like an angry man --- far from it, and still quite curious about it all. My sense is that all involved are going to have to accept room for improvement for us to reap benefits. This is NOT an easy ask when it comes to sex differences (on par with political differences, in my opinion), but I trust that participants in the HT Cafe are a more thoughtful breed of online "philosophers." I also believe that there is still the potential for men and women to enjoy breathtaking experiences over the net. I have enjoyed online sexual interactions with women over the years, but less-so in recent times. How can we help men and women connect and explore together online again??

Happy weekend, all. Looking forward to what can hopefully be a respectful, productive venture....

P.S. This post is solely focused on ONLINE interactions between men and women, since it is unlikely that our lives separate significantly from technology any time soon. Men and women seem to connect much more naturally and consistently in-person, which is definitely a good thing, and hopefully keeps us a bit more balanced. If the end result of all this is that the internet is not the place for sexual interactions between us, then so be it. I have my thoughts about that, but will spare you for now. I'm also not yet ready to give up on the potential of it all.

 

[LoneMilf]

That was a lot of words to basically ask: "Why don't women want to use cam/voice?"

I can't speak for others, but when I use a chat room, I expect it to be for chatting - not just an excuse to move to other platforms or to go on cam. There is a lot of joy to be had from flirting either in private chats or the public rooms - and sometimes that can be a goal in itself. It doesn't always have to end in a sticky mess

My advice?:
1) Be patient with the chat. If you manage to really get a woman worked up with words, you are much more likely to get to other parts too (not so different from real life, really ). If you ask for pictures/voice/video too early, it's almost certain to be rejected
2) Respect a no. Not all of us want to share pictures or video. If that's a deal-breaker, just move on to others
3) Maybe focus on cam instead of chat sites. At least that way, everyone agrees on what they are there for

As for:

If women go to other platforms for online sexual play with men, what are these?

Some use multiplayer sex games instead. It doesn't provide real life video, but does add some visual stimulation. It's still the usual 10:1 male-to-female ratio though

 

[ToPleaseHim]

That was a lot of words to basically ask: "Why don't women want to use cam/voice?"

THIS.

Sorry that women aren’t lining up to cyber fuck. Women don’t exist to just help men get off. While there are some women who want this, the reality is there’s not some magic wand that’s going to make this dynamic change. (And, honestly, if there were such a wand, I’d wave it to get the horny net guys to be the ones to change. Quit humping our legs! Approach us as if you see us as actual people.)

Maybe one solution would be for men who are bothered by men pretending to be women on the internet to just get past that and cyber with each other, role playing. If you don’t know who’s on the other end of the chat, if it’s all anonymous (or pseudonymous) anyway, does it really matter?

 

[Darkrhytm]

Trust

 

[The_Id]

Happy weekend, all.

I appreciate the responses, and acknowledge my posts tend to be lengthier than most on here. While everyone had understandable responses, I'm definitely feeling a negative energy around this. That's not shocking, as anyone who has tried to discuss differences between sexes is aware. I absolutely have my own biases too, but hopefully my curiosity towards a solution is still in my writing. I feel like the energy thing could be a big part of the reason for the distance between sexes, but I do not want to go on a diatribe about that because that is not my goal here. I also feel that we are part of the solution because we are actually discussing the topic. I am by no means pointing the finger at one sex over the other, but I am still looking for solutions that benefit both sides because I feel that cyber-style interactions should be able to at least approach in-person interactions in terms of finding enjoyable sexual common ground. I understand one response to this would be to "go meet people in real-time," but I feel like I'm not alone in enjoying the anonymity, freedom, and fun that the internet (mostly) allows to explore more sensitive/private topics like sexual interests.

LoneMilf is right that I would love to be able to be on the same page about voice-chatting and camming with women in the CamChat-esque rooms. I think a lot of guys would enjoy that. From the few comments so far, it sounds like the answer to one of my questions is that men and women are truly looking for different things in online chat rooms, especially in the cam/mic area, and that women do not care much for the cam/mic features. That's one reality I may have to deal with, even if frustrating. I would like to see a few more comments first, though, as that is a very big gap to accept. I acknowledge that men seem to be more visual creatures, but these discrepancies do not seem nearly as big to me in-person. That could be because other senses and ways of interacting are being used in-person, but the cam/mic features also allow us to use more of our senses....it can be a blast with the right partner(s).

In an attempt to tone down the polarity a bit (I'm honestly trying to work towards common ground, if possible), a new question would be: why are the general sex ratios so lopsided in free adult chatrooms? I imagine most of us agree that that men FAR outnumber women in these chatrooms. I acknowledge that there are men who behave in an unattractive, instant-gratification manner from the start when they are trying to interact with the opposite sex. But that's true in real-time, as well, and I see a much more balanced sex ratio in public social settings (bars, clubs, parties, etc). I also know of a decent number of male (all signs point to them being male) participants that make an effort to hold a respectful, interesting, exploratory conversation with women in these chats. I am aware that I am not touching on all the nuances and differences between in-person and online activities, but again, I am trying to find solutions more than differences.

I agree with LoneMilf that not all interactions in adult chat rooms have to end in a sticky mess, but it would be nice if more of them did between the sexes. I have absolutely enjoyed some more safe-for-work philosophical conversations with both sexes over the years on the internet, but I'm not typically looking for that in a room like "PornShare," "CamChat," or even "AdultChat." I'm looking to explore sexually with others, often based on the topic of the room. I assure you, I am not looking for a wild romp in rooms like "Women-Only," "Lesbian," and "Help."

I agree in part with ToPleaseHim's comment about it not mattering who is on the other end if it's all anonymous (ie, I can chat about certain things with guys). But I think that's also where I lose interest pretty early on because my main goal in visiting an adult chat site is to connect sexually with a woman in a way that is enjoyable for both sides. I'm no social genius, but I can typically tell within a few minutes if the person with the "pink" name is truly female. Once a chat has been text-based for a while, I also tend to want to escalate to using more of my senses (ie, mic, cam, or at least watching like-minded videos together if the partner does not want to unveil themselves in any physical or verbal way). The exception to this is the amazing conversationalists where we typically end up in a philosophical rabbit hole (FUN), but not what I'm always looking for on a sex-themed site. I am open-minded to ideas that do not involve cam or mic (ie, truth-or-dare games, etc), and I still believe that roleplaying is one of the most promising areas. If we want to take this thread in the direction of roleplays, I am fine with that, but there is a lot of work to do if men and women are going to come together on that level. I want to hear others indicate interest for that before we disband from the possibility of other novel improvements.

Anyway, I do truly appreciate the comments. You are all thoughtful posters if you read my whole spiel up top. Again, my main goal (hopefully shared with others) remains: bridging the gap between men and women in these chats. It would be nice if we could improve the ratios, too, as that might improve things by itself.

I'm going to cut myself off here. Please know that I did not skip over reading any of your responses, but I did not respond in-depth to some of the points that I do not feel apply to me or the men I am mentioning here. I'm aware that my lengthy posts may be keeping some people with solid ideas from engaging with us here, but I also think we are getting better-than-average responses from people who think before clicking "send."

Take care all.


P.S. LoneMilf, I would love to hear more about the multiplayer sex games. I know I came across a few youtube clips recently of one, but can't remember the name. I believe the deal was that you paid for your character, and then paid per attribute that you added to your character so you could interact more in-depth with others....something like that. If that's where women are going in bigger numbers, then I need to start dishing out money if I want to keep exploring online. I appreciate the tip. I am aware that I may be expecting too much from free adult chats.

 

[LoneMilf]

I've been to many different online adult places over the years, and in my experience, the men always outnumber the women significantly. This has a number of consequences:
1) Men get too little attention, leading some of them to try too hard and be too extreme in their approaches
2) Women get too much attention (often not in a positive way), leading some to become overly cautious, picky or just rude

I don't think much can be done to change this dynamic - it's outside of our control, and Literotica is already one of the best places I've been in terms of the ratio of women to men.

What could help, is for people to be better at stating their expectations. We are here for many different reasons, and the real challenge is finding the few good connections that share those. For example, I have no easy way of finding people who are interested in chatting about sexual content but who are not looking for sexting. And you have no easy way of finding women who are interested in voice/cam. I guess the solution could be drop-down options in our profiles that would allow us to search for the people who share our reasons for coming here. Just updating the profile text helps, but doesn't really solve the problem of finding the interesting connections in the first place. Alternatively, I guess the Personal Ads section is the way to go

 

[CuriousJInLA]

I've been to many different online adult places over the years, and in my experience, the men always outnumber the women significantly. This has a number of consequences:
1) Men get too little attention, leading some of them to try too hard and be too extreme in their approaches
2) Women get too much attention (often not in a positive way), leading some to become overly cautious, picky or just rude

I don't think much can be done to change this dynamic - it's outside of our control, and Literotica is already one of the best places I've been in terms of the ratio of women to men.

What could help, is for people to be better at stating their expectations. We are here for many different reasons, and the real challenge is finding the few good connections that share those. For example, I have no easy way of finding people who are interested in chatting about sexual content but who are not looking for sexting. And you have no easy way of finding women who are interested in voice/cam. I guess the solution could be drop-down options in our profiles that would allow us to search for the people who share our reasons for coming here. Just updating the profile text helps, but doesn't really solve the problem of finding the interesting connections in the first place. Alternatively, I guess the Personal Ads section is the way to go

Very helpful and insightful. Thanks!

 

[LoneMilf]

P.S. LoneMilf, I would love to hear more about the multiplayer sex games.

I've sent you a PM

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

That was a lot of words to basically ask: "Why don't women want to use cam/voice?"

Well that saved me a lot of reading.

I've been using chat since I was 12 as an escape from situations at home I couldn't control. I was too young to know better then and theres a lot of very exploitative men who loove a bit of video chat. Because of them, I don't go there any more.

 

[The_Id]

Hi again,

I continue to appreciate the responses, and hope others are getting something out of the discussion. So far, it definitely sounds like there are some hardcore differences between what men and women are looking for when they log in to a free adult chat site. In general, I'm hearing the following, but please correct me if I'm wrong:

- Women do sometimes visit the above-mentioned chat sites.
- There are significant differences between what men and women prefer when interacting with a chat partner on these sites.
- Both men and women would like to see changes/improvements that allow for more enjoyable interactions between them.

If all of those are true, I want to continue pursuing related ideas (our sample size of responses is also in its infancy). Even if it is natural and nearly inevitable that men are going to outnumber women in almost all adult chatrooms, what would it take for us to increase the female presence by 1%? Would it be only about men behaving differently, or would there be a function, etc of the site that would appeal to women more (ie, sexually-themed games, something analogous to "poking" people like we used to do on social media, some kind of "choose-your-own-adventure" style room where you take turns with another member at working through a sexually-charged adventure that is led/previously-constructed by a third party, etc)? I don't want to try to turn chats into something they're not (we go there to chat, duh), but I'm open to getting creative with appealing to specific interests that may be getting missed by the basics. I sense that part of the problem is that we are missing novelty in chats these days. Maybe we are past the honeymoon phase of this "date," and we just need to spice things up in new ways. I stand by the ratios and interactions being better several years ago, though, and this thread is all about resisting a quick defeat.

Lucy_Lastic --- I appreciate your response, and acknowledge that many of us have come to chats to escape different situations (some much more impactful than others). It's a shame that you ran into some bad players at a young age. I hope we can find a way to bring you and others back, but pursuing that is your call to make. If you will humor me, let's pretend you had a dream about a spectacular adult chat experience (one of those dreams you hate to wake up from because they're so awesome). What would the characteristics of that dream be that might lead to you returning to the chat environment in real-time? I imagine there might be some sort of behavioral change from guys, or some added resource in the chat...?

I did receive some ideas in my inbox of interactive sites where the participants get their own avatar and can play around in a sexually-themed way with others. I greatly appreciate that idea, and will be looking into it more. According to LoneMilf's estimate, it sounds like the ratios are at least significantly better on those sites (only a 10-to-1-ish discrepancy between men and women). There is something about that environment that leads to improvement. I would guess the roleplay theme, and ways of naturally weeding out the "idiots" are primary to attracting women.

Last thought for the moment: I was thinking in the shower this morning (sexy, I know) about adding a couple polls to this post. It sounds like upgrades or changes to the platform on Lit have led to polls being inaccessible in recent years (a post of ToPleaseHim's was instrumental in figuring this out, so many thanks to ToPleaseHim). I posted in an ongoing thread to hopefully reinvigorate discussions about remedying this (if possible). Anyways, the polls I was thinking of adding to this thread were asking people what the primary and secondary reasons were for them logging into adult chat sites, with one poll for men and one for women. I was going to add a bunch of chat-related choices, a few others (because some go largely for porn-viewing, etc), and then an "Other" option. Obviously all responses would be interesting, but I am very curious as to whether the "Other" option would get a lot of clicks because that would indicate that we may be missing something altogether that could be shared or re-focused between men and women. I also think a poll would get more opinions out there, as I know I am scaring off a decent segment of the population with my long posts.

Have a great weekend everyone.

 

[LoneMilf]

I think you missed/misread my personal estimate of male/female ratios a bit. I actually think Lit is around 10:1 and most other places are worse. I could be wrong on both though.

As users of this place, there really isn’t much we can do to change these numbers. Sure, we can dream up features that might be more female-friendly, but we can’t implement or effectively promote them.

Also, at the end of the day, it’s not the quantity that matters most - it’s the quality (measured by how good a fit there is with each of our personal preferences)

 

[SPARTAN047]

Because they have different expectations.

 

[UtilityCurve]

Sure, we can dream up features that might be more female-friendly, but we can’t implement or effectively promote them.

It's still worth describing these features, because somewhere there is a coder looking forward to a challenge!

 

[nathan122]

As a long-time online chatter who has had the benefit of making lasting connections online, I just wanted to offer some appreciation to all who have been participating in this discussion. Years, ago, with a different username, I started a thread that garnered a lot of attention from both women and men. It had a specific topic which was of wide-ranging interest and it emphasized creating a safe environment for all, focusing on the safety and comfort of women participants as a priority. When and where it faltered it was the over-eagerness of the men to cheat the process and get off, disregarding the interests of the whole... for the interests of their hole -- the little one. Let's keep the discussion alive! Most of us, especially here, love sex. I love it when we put our heads together... with all of the meanings which that implies.

 

[The_Id]

Hello again,

It's great to see some guys jumping into the mix here, and at least sounding hopeful about discussing possibilities for improvement. I'm going to give an update on my recent activities, and of course some more thoughts on trying to help the sexes connect at least as well as we used to in these adult chat environments.

I've been playing around on an adult chat/game site for about the past 6 weeks or so to see if I could look at this from a slightly different angle. Kudos to a fellow Literotican on here who gave me a few starter ideas for sites like these. I've also been picking the brains of some old acquaintances from online adult platforms I frequent(ed), as I know they have experience that rivals my own. The chat/game site is front and center in my brain currently, so I will focus mainly on that today. My first impression of the site (first impressions can sometimes be wrong) was that it appeared that the creators had attracted a much better ratio of women-to-men. However, I can't say I was super surprised to find that many of the female names (with female sex icons) were men identifying as sissies looking for BBC or just flat-out admitting in their profiles that they were not really women. That's sexual exploration, so to each his/her own. That's also definitely something that has skyrocketed since the early days of internet fun, but I still don't feel satisfied that those numbers are big enough to explain most of the rift between men and women in chats. There's a whole lot of psychology there that I will have to leave alone for the moment, mostly because it does not apply to all men. Anyways, it was not rare on this game site to find women noting that it seemed like they were the only female logged in at the time.

So, overall, I would still say the ratios are a little better on the gaming site I tried out (there are at least a handful of individuals that I consider human and female) than on a typical chatroom-style site. I have had some decent conversations with women on the game site, as I have on other sites. I was disappointed that the roleplay environment (you basically visit people's "bedrooms," and get to pretend you are on a date, of sorts, with them) did not attract more women, knowing how women do enjoy roleplaying. Then my brain turned on a little, and I realized the only addition to text chat that is offered in the bedrooms, for those without special status, is limited to engaging in different sexual acts with the partner(s) in the room. The vast majority (but not all) of the women I spoke to indicated that they preferred solely text-based chat over interacting in the rooms with text-based chat. So this site is seemingly geared a bit more towards men. I sometimes found myself getting caught up in winning the currency of the site so I could "build my empire" of sex positions and other adornments, but this was mostly when there were no playmates to chat or engage with. The positive spin on all this, as I've mentioned briefly before, is that I believe this points to men being interested in at least a form of roleplaying (I happen to enjoy the rooms when I have a flirty/adventuresome partner), and this is still the form of play that I feel holds the most promise for pulling people together again....at least a starting point to get people on a similar page.

It also still feels to me like women are going to different types of online environments than I have found, and guys are flocking to options that most women skip out on (assuming a decent percentage of women are still truly going to sexually-interactive sites), but I have only just started looking at the chat/game sites. I have to admit I have not taken the plunge towards options that involve a credit card. The 2 biggest issues that I've seen on all chat-based platforms I have tried remain the ratio (lack of women), and the "wall" between the 2 sexes. It feels like men really want to connect with women on these sites (yes, in a sexual way, but that's part of the point in these environments), and conversations I've had with women lead me to believe that women go to these sites with at least the possibility of interacting sexually with competent men. So we're still doing it wrong if our goals are at all overlapping, but there is definitely a lot of creativity out there with the platforms. The only new hurdle that could come from this is the possibility that some sites may have a big focus on "becoming" your avatar or character, and focusing more on your digital environment, at the expense of the human interactions. That is its own thing (more similar to a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book that you enjoy solo), and I am not harping on people who enjoy such things. To be clear, though, I am still looking for ways that men and women can better connect directly with each other online for sexual exploration, rather than just existing in a make-believe environment where the other shiny objects monopolize their attention. I realize that there is a certain amount of overlap with the "shiny environment" sites and the general idea of roleplaying between a man and a woman, but hopefully most readers can understand the personal/human touch I am trying to retain here. There's just more feeling (anticipation, attraction, sexuality) when the 2 participants can at least get a glimpse of the human on the other end. I am looking mostly to increase and improve the quality of sexual conversations between playmates, even if that includes an element of roleplay. There is a part of me that really just wants basic chat/flirting/exploration via text, voice-chat, cam, or whatever means allows people to feel acknowledged, desired, and stimulated. I understand those days may be withering away with all the technology, which is part of the reason I am exploring other platforms like game sites, but I am trying to keep one foot as grounded as possible on the chat/human side of things.

I realize I am likely coming across as whiney to some at this point, but this is really more of me sorting out my recent experiences, and hoping it brings others into this thread with more ideas. The internet can be an amazing place to explore sexually, and I know from experience that both sexes have a capacity for (and attraction to) this type of activity. It lets us act out things we would never do in-person, and play with people without the risk of pregnancy/disease/awkwardness that would hamper their real-time relationships. Yes, that makes me sound commitment-phobic, but I have said before that online play is ideally only meant to supplement real-time activities...why not have a little no-strings (or at least limited-strings) fun in your down-time?

I won't delve into this too much here, but I'm starting to think that having so much control/power/choice in every online interaction (you can click the "X" or "block" button, or give the "fuck off" retort at any point, and disappear from someone's screen) could be part of the problem with finding common ground online. In real-time interactions (bars, clubs, parties, other social events), it is much more difficult (socially and otherwise) to just stop on a dime and change directions if you're not in complete agreement with someone. I think everyone in this thread can remember real-world interactions where we decided to "tough it out" through an awkward or disconnected moment, and ended up connecting more (including sexually) down the road with the same person. The easy/sudden end to online interactions only puts more emphasis on the dreaded opener, and that's a tall order for a sexually-minded human to ace. Please don't think I'm letting the instant-gratification-seekers off the hook here. There are absolutely men in chats that have no skill or thought in their presentation, but I like to think that we are referring to the more thoughtful chatters by this point. If every guy was a boner with an IQ of 10, I would have had no reason to start this thread, and women would have no reason to invest a response in it.

Alright, my thoughts are getting away from me again (I promise to start a separate thread at some point if I start floating too far into the ether, but so far it's still all related to the main goals). A few brief responses to the recent posts, and then I'll wrap up....

UtiulityCurve....yes! That's the mindset that may eventually get us somewhere better. Do you happen to have experience (or know someone with experience) in the coding or online adult platform realms? Please feel free to elaborate with the thought you shared if that's an avenue you are familiar with or are researching. Or just invite any knowledgeable friends to the thread if you've got some open-minded buddies.

nathan122....great post! Keep the encouragement up. These discussions that sometimes seem bitter, circular, or dead-in-the-water sometimes just need an extra push or 2 from a creative mind to get to a better place. I'd be very interested in checking out that thread you started under a different name. As long as you don't feel it will get us too far off-topic, feel free to post a link or directions to it in this thread. Otherwise, you can message it privately to me. Sometimes it's hard to find quality reading material about related things that isn't attacking one side or the other, and I sense your thread was an attempt at finding that needed balance.

OK, thank you again for keeping this thread going, ladies and men. We absolutely need both perspectives. It feels like we're mostly in that data-collecting mode for the moment, but the conversation keeps the promise of improvement alive.

Until next time...

 

[LoneMilf]

In my experience, what is often wanted by women is a setting that encourages/allows for flirting in a non-intense way. I'll try to explain..

In real life, you will usually meet new people in a public setting with others around and while doing some kind of activity. Maybe you're in a bar, grocery shopping or taking a class together. When someone strikes up a conversation with you there, it's usually without an expectation of much. But in some cases it can let you spot a spark, and you might end up exchanging contact information or deciding to meet again. Sometimes it takes multiple small encounters to get to that.

In contrast, when we go to places like Lit, chat rooms or sex game sites there is very little room for those non-intensive encounters. Many guys (and some women) are looking for a fast hook-up. And even the ones who aren't will almost always be considering the possibility of some kind of sexual encounter. It can feel a bit like a meat market at times.

Some of the games I've played offer a setting where you can hang out in public places and chat with many people in a group. Kind of like an open chat room, but with a smaller group of people and with some kind of setting that provides context to conversations. Even if it's just being able to have your avatar dance or watch others, it provides fodder for those non-intensive conversations that can lead to flirting and eventually more.

These group settings tend to be very popular with women, but much less with men. I've asked some guys why that is, and the answer has almost always been that it's kind of intimidating to try and flirt with people while others are around.

I think this difference between 1-to-1 chats and less intense chats could be one of the keys to better interactions

 

[drobert44]

In my experience, what is often wanted by women is a setting that encourages/allows for flirting in a non-intense way. I'll try to explain..

In real life, you will usually meet new people in a public setting with others around and while doing some kind of activity. Maybe you're in a bar, grocery shopping or taking a class together. When someone strikes up a conversation with you there, it's usually without an expectation of much. But in some cases it can let you spot a spark, and you might end up exchanging contact information or deciding to meet again. Sometimes it takes multiple small encounters to get to that.

In contrast, when we go to places like Lit, chat rooms or sex game sites there is very little room for those non-intensive encounters. Many guys (and some women) are looking for a fast hook-up. And even the ones who aren't will almost always be considering the possibility of some kind of sexual encounter. It can feel a bit like a meat market at times.

Some of the games I've played offer a setting where you can hang out in public places and chat with many people in a group. Kind of like an open chat room, but with a smaller group of people and with some kind of setting that provides context to conversations. Even if it's just being able to have your avatar dance or watch others, it provides fodder for those non-intensive conversations that can lead to flirting and eventually more.

These group settings tend to be very popular with women, but much less with men. I've asked some guys why that is, and the answer has almost always been that it's kind of intimidating to try and flirt with people while others are around.

I think this difference between 1-to-1 chats and less intense chats could be one of the keys to better interactions

Sounds like a good way to start, if a spark, go with it.

 

[KatieDoes]

THIS.

Sorry that women aren’t lining up to cyber fuck. Women don’t exist to just help men get off. While there are some women who want this, the reality is there’s not some magic wand that’s going to make this dynamic change. (And, honestly, if there were such a wand, I’d wave it to get the horny net guys to be the ones to change. Quit humping our legs! Approach us as if you see us as actual people.)

Maybe one solution would be for men who are bothered by men pretending to be women on the internet to just get past that and cyber with each other, role playing. If you don’t know who’s on the other end of the chat, if it’s all anonymous (or pseudonymous) anyway, does it really matter?

I mean…. My Hitachi Magic Wand does a pretty dynamic job


To answer the original question:

I’ve chatted and cammed with quite a few men over the years. I no longer entertain it with men because of the way they have treated me. Men are exhausting, and not worth it. Men take. Women give. Women only from here forward.

 

[Britva415]

In my experience, what is often wanted by women is a setting that encourages/allows for flirting in a non-intense way. I'll try to explain..

In real life, you will usually meet new people in a public setting with others around and while doing some kind of activity. Maybe you're in a bar, grocery shopping or taking a class together. When someone strikes up a conversation with you there, it's usually without an expectation of much. But in some cases it can let you spot a spark, and you might end up exchanging contact information or deciding to meet again. Sometimes it takes multiple small encounters to get to that.

In contrast, when we go to places like Lit, chat rooms or sex game sites there is very little room for those non-intensive encounters. Many guys (and some women) are looking for a fast hook-up. And even the ones who aren't will almost always be considering the possibility of some kind of sexual encounter. It can feel a bit like a meat market at times.

Some of the games I've played offer a setting where you can hang out in public places and chat with many people in a group. Kind of like an open chat room, but with a smaller group of people and with some kind of setting that provides context to conversations. Even if it's just being able to have your avatar dance or watch others, it provides fodder for those non-intensive conversations that can lead to flirting and eventually more.

These group settings tend to be very popular with women, but much less with men. I've asked some guys why that is, and the answer has almost always been that it's kind of intimidating to try and flirt with people while others are around.

I think this difference between 1-to-1 chats and less intense chats could be one of the keys to better interactions

I'm a man who has been in some of these environments like you're describing

Speaking as a man, it's so much easier to flirt in environments like that than in one on one situations.

And the results are so much better in terms of "success" - which is going to have different meanings for different people, but I'm talking about up to and including "scoring" one-on-one intimate online hookups.

I mean, for me, either way, flirting is always low-stakes whether it's a group social scene or in someone's DMs. One has to be prepared to simply have fun with the flirting even if that's only as far as it goes.

One has to have the confidence to flirt because flirting's fun, and appreciate the times when someone shows they're interested in more, and, hey, maybe you are too.

However, all of the above is so much easier in a group social setting than in DMs because public group social settings have that low-stakes feeling built in. DMs have a high-stakes feeling built in. The person on the other end is more wary and less likely to behave purely in a spirit of fun, and less likely to have fun, to allow it to be fun for them. Or to see that it's just fun for me, until they show me the potential for more.

This goes for real life face to face situations too, not just online. Flirting is more fun, easier, and more successful out in front of everyone in public than it is in a confined, secluded, exclusive environment.

That is, up until it makes sense to get some privacy. So I feel like it's ideal to not even seek privacy or flirt privately until I've already made an impression and gotten positive attention by just behaving like that flirty guy in public, and then follow the other person's lead when they feel like continuing the flirting more intimately.

The way a woman (a stranger, someone who doesn't know me already) takes flirting is different when it's not private. I could behave the exact same way, make the exact same comments or jokes or teases or witty, gently provocative comments in DMs and in public, and when it's in public, there's practically zero chance of being mis-read and called aggressive or creepy. It's just displaying my confidence and my sense of fun and humor. But in DMs, or a one-on-one in-person conversation with no one else around, or over texts, the likelihood of that is much, much higher, even though the content, manner and stakes (to me) of my flirting is no different at all. To them, the stakes are different and so are there reactions.

So yeah, I completely endorse what you're saying, @LoneMilf, from the other side of the gender experience.

 

[Madmaxfvh]

I've sent you a PM

I am also interested in that. Could be fun or funny.

 

[Dashing_Sir]

I'm a man who has been in some of these environments like you're describing

Speaking as a man, it's so much easier to flirt in environments like that than in one on one situations.

And the results are so much better in terms of "success" - which is going to have different meanings for different people, but I'm talking about up to and including "scoring" one-on-one intimate online hookups.

I mean, for me, either way, flirting is always low-stakes whether it's a group social scene or in someone's DMs. One has to be prepared to simply have fun with the flirting even if that's only as far as it goes.

One has to have the confidence to flirt because flirting's fun, and appreciate the times when someone shows they're interested in more, and, hey, maybe you are too.

However, all of the above is so much easier in a group social setting than in DMs because public group social settings have that low-stakes feeling built in. DMs have a high-stakes feeling built in. The person on the other end is more wary and less likely to behave purely in a spirit of fun, and less likely to have fun, to allow it to be fun for them. Or to see that it's just fun for me, until they show me the potential for more.

This goes for real life face to face situations too, not just online. Flirting is more fun, easier, and more successful out in front of everyone in public than it is in a confined, secluded, exclusive environment.

That is, up until it makes sense to get some privacy. So I feel like it's ideal to not even seek privacy or flirt privately until I've already made an impression and gotten positive attention by just behaving like that flirty guy in public, and then follow the other person's lead when they feel like continuing the flirting more intimately.

The way a woman (a stranger, someone who doesn't know me already) takes flirting is different when it's not private. I could behave the exact same way, make the exact same comments or jokes or teases or witty, gently provocative comments in DMs and in public, and when it's in public, there's practically zero chance of being mis-read and called aggressive or creepy. It's just displaying my confidence and my sense of fun and humor. But in DMs, or a one-on-one in-person conversation with no one else around, or over texts, the likelihood of that is much, much higher, even though the content, manner and stakes (to me) of my flirting is no different at all. To them, the stakes are different and so are there reactions.

So yeah, I completely endorse what you're saying, @LoneMilf, from the other side of the gender experience.

Well said my friend

 

[Dashing_Sir]

In my experience, what is often wanted by women is a setting that encourages/allows for flirting in a non-intense way. I'll try to explain..

In real life, you will usually meet new people in a public setting with others around and while doing some kind of activity. Maybe you're in a bar, grocery shopping or taking a class together. When someone strikes up a conversation with you there, it's usually without an expectation of much. But in some cases it can let you spot a spark, and you might end up exchanging contact information or deciding to meet again. Sometimes it takes multiple small encounters to get to that.

In contrast, when we go to places like Lit, chat rooms or sex game sites there is very little room for those non-intensive encounters. Many guys (and some women) are looking for a fast hook-up. And even the ones who aren't will almost always be considering the possibility of some kind of sexual encounter. It can feel a bit like a meat market at times.

Some of the games I've played offer a setting where you can hang out in public places and chat with many people in a group. Kind of like an open chat room, but with a smaller group of people and with some kind of setting that provides context to conversations. Even if it's just being able to have your avatar dance or watch others, it provides fodder for those non-intensive conversations that can lead to flirting and eventually more.

These group settings tend to be very popular with women, but much less with men. I've asked some guys why that is, and the answer has almost always been that it's kind of intimidating to try and flirt with people while others are around.

I think this difference between 1-to-1 chats and less intense chats could be one of the keys to better interactions

Very helpful response LoneMilf - thank you

 

[AutisticBits]

It's still worth describing these features, because somewhere there is a coder looking forward to a challenge!

 

[The_Id]

Hey again kinky chatters,

It's great to see people still contributing to this thread, including more guys.

AutisticBits.....do tell (more details about your interests and whether you're pursuing any kind of project like we mentioned above). You could end up being a hero if you have the skills to put some improved ideas into action.

I don't have any major, novel insights from my end this month, but I am definitely starting to feel that the more interactive chat sites (the ones with game environments or avatars/characters that act things out on the screen) are leading back SLIGHTLY towards results that I used to see about 15-20 years ago in the chat room world. By results, I mean that there seems to be more of a 2-person effort to escalate sexually together in these arenas, and I have even found a few "regulars" (in only a few months) that enjoy what I can only still call cybersex. I have to thank LoneMilf for getting me started on different types of environments, and it's great to know that there are some who still enjoy the pathway that I do that includes anticipation, escalation, flirting, teasing, and eventual release over the net (even if it all happens in the first few interactions). I have found that some people are actually able to pull back to my old-fashioned ways of connecting after first meeting in the more tech-savvy environments, which I just wasn't seeing on the sites I was trying for the past 15 years or so.

As some of you have hinted at, hooking up online is definitely a number's game at one level. That's obviously the case when the ratios of the sexes are so poor these days in adult chat settings....you have to weed through the jungle (or just plain wait for the opposite sex to make a showing, in men's case), of course. I enjoy the larger group chat rooms for certain things (and often for the weeding process), but have always felt more stimulated in one-on-one environments (even from the opener). One group activity that I have found can sometimes approach the same levels of interest for me is when I can find a bunch of like-minded individuals to share a naughty video while chatting (that can be text, video, mic ---- usually a combination, based on the personalities of the participants). It can lead to surprisingly fun conversations, and often to sexual play, IF the majority of participants can match interest levels and enjoy the fantasy in the video. That's HARD and RARE without pre-planning, but also why I started a search for like-minded dudes in another thread years ago.

Anyways, the game/chat site that I've been using has been producing results in the 1-on-1 level for me (even at times starting off in the dreaded "DMs"), so I'm running with it for now. For any true newbies, my old way of leading off with a light-hearted crack or shared interest about something in her profile and keeping the humor/teasing alive is still a great starting point. I'm starting to tentatively conclude that the novelty of the old chat environments (text-based chat/roleplay, mic/cam, or discussing pics/vids/gifs) has worn out a bit for most women and evolved into something a little different, but we are still able to find our way back to some sort of a middle-ground. I am not saying that women do not still enjoy a good text-based chat (I have previously mentioned those lovely philosophical discussions), but just pointing out that my early results in these gaming-plus-chat sites have bred sexual results that are more similar to my late teens. As long as I'm also enjoying parts of this new process and can relate to my partner, I say this is all good for now. I strongly suggest that anyone non-tech-savvy like me branch out a bit to some of the newer platforms/gaming sites, and recognize that you can still bring it back to the fundamentals that us older-brained folks enjoy after you prove you can relate on the fancier modern level....if you have some semblance of interpersonal skills.

An even better aspect to all of this is that I think many of us are in agreement about a lot of this, even if we are using different words. This leads me to believe that further improvement (helping men and women enjoy each other sexually more online) is possible. LoneMilf definitely had it right above with the grocery-shopping/bar/etc analogy. I was always shocked that I could get women to interact sexually online back in the early 2000s without having some other shared interest or activity to ground things a little first. I was well aware of the volume-knob vs light switch analogy (women vs men) from a fairly young age, so the instant results of early online-play did not make much sense and was spoiling me terribly. Having said that, I am still surprised by how quickly the online sexual world seems to have changed (again, tech-dumb here, so judge as you will), but I do believe the loss-of-novelty piece is huge (maybe novelty plus men and women enjoying sexuality online from different sides of a coin, and women realizing the difference quickly because the novelty wore off). We have to keep evolving to match the times, or we get left behind (maybe women have brains that are better geared for the future?). I guess that's what getting older is all about. Don't get me started on the age cut-off for family members and co-workers who can/can't manage the addition of any new computer-based program, and the 3-year-olds on their Dad's shoulders flying through an iPad/tablet/cell phone --- that's the stuff of nightmares for me. But thankfully, I'm still pursuing sexuality online, apparently with the help of the more modern brains (I'm including in this group anyone who may be older than me but has a mind that is geared towards tech and creativity more than a conservative/old-school style).

Thanks again for everyone posting in here....it feels like we're thinking deeply about this stuff, and it's very interesting to see all the different angles we come at it from.

Keep playing!

 

[Richelieujuniour]

A noble goal.