How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

I see from various posts through LIT that so many people have been abused in their relationships HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realise life can and will be better ?


I STARTED THIS THREAD TO HELP ONE PERSON BUT SINCE THEN WE HAVE HAD MANY DROPPING IN TO BOTH RELATE THEIR EXPERIENCES & ADVICE, A KIND EAR, UNDERSTANDING & A SOFT PLACE TO LAND SO IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT NEED THIS THREAD PLEASE FEEL FREE TO JUMP IN.

It makes me ashamed to be a male at times.

 

[Monazwx]

Great Question

From what I've gathered,

Patience,
Love, and
Understanding

help alot during diffcult times. I don't know if you can actually make someone realize that their life will be better. I think it's a self-actualization thing, however, postive and steady support can change everyone's outlook on life.

Kudos for caring enough to ask a question like this.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks for your input .

 

[The_old_man]

I will add one word to Mona's list: Gentileness.

 

[Monazwx]

The_old_man = Wisdom

 

[Gil_T2]

Im in the hope

That peoplewho have been there and found their way out can help by posting how they over came this horrid problem but ALL comments are welcome.

 

[Bandit58]

I was married for a long time to someone who didn't appreciate me, who never told me he loved me or found me attractive, who, if I attempted to say no to sex, would get angry and sulk for days and make me feel so guilty that I would give in for the sake of peace. This was my first sexual partner, who date raped me once when he was drunk - to this day I don't think he even remembers it. I had never had an orgasm with him.....I was sexually ignorant and he was too. I didn't even have orgasms from masturbating until I was in my early 20s.

The sexual signal would be the stroke across the top of my head and then his arm would slide round my shoulders. I would immediately stiffen and my heart would sink. I hated his touch.....he would get impatient and make me touch his cock while he held me close to him. I switched myself off.....tried not to feel as he would push into me....but it would hurt, I would lie there and pray that it would be over soon...... I tried to avoid him by staying up late hoping he would be asleep when I came to bed.....I was grateful when I had my period because he left me alone then.....

I finally plucked up the courage and left him 6 months ago. I had vowed that I wouldn't be getting into any relationships for a very long time. I had discovered cybering in the three months before I made the break, and realised what I was missing, I had an intense cyber and phone relationship with a younger guy whom I considered having an affair with, but distance was a factor in that not happening. He remains a good friend to this day though

Three weeks after I moved out I met a guy online. We seemed to click immediately. Within a week I was in love with him and he with me......he's married but it's not a happy relationship. Two months later I drove down to see him. He was aware of my sexual ignorance and what my husband had put me through, but with time, patience, gentleness and love I have discovered that making love is wonderful. I want to do things with him that, if my husband had made me, I would have hated. I feel safe and cherished. Before we made love for the first time he "unmarried" me by removing my wedding ring. One day soon I hope to do the same for him

 

[Gil_T2]

Thankyou Bandit

I was married for a long time to someone who didn't appreciate me, who never told me he loved me or found me attractive, who, if I attempted to say no to sex, would get angry and sulk for days and make me feel so guilty that I would give in for the sake of peace. This was my first sexual partner, who date raped me once when he was drunk - to this day I don't think he even remembers it. I had never had an orgasm with him.....I was sexually ignorant and he was too. I didn't even have orgasms from masturbating until I was in my early 20s.

The sexual signal would be the stroke across the top of my head and then his arm would slide round my shoulders. I would immediately stiffen and my heart would sink. I hated his touch.....he would get impatient and make me touch his cock while he held me close to him. I switched myself off.....tried not to feel as he would push into me....but it would hurt, I would lie there and pray that it would be over soon...... I tried to avoid him by staying up late hoping he would be asleep when I came to bed.....I was grateful when I had my period because he left me alone then.....

I finally plucked up the courage and left him 6 months ago. I had vowed that I wouldn't be getting into any relationships for a very long time. I had discovered cybering in the three months before I made the break, and realised what I was missing, I had an intense cyber and phone relationship with a younger guy whom I considered having an affair with, but distance was a factor in that not happening. He remains a good friend to this day though

Three weeks after I moved out I met a guy online. We seemed to click immediately. Within a week I was in love with him and he with me......he's married but it's not a happy relationship. Two months later I drove down to see him. He was aware of my sexual ignorance and what my husband had put me through, but with time, patience, gentleness and love I have discovered that making love is wonderful. I want to do things with him that, if my husband had made me, I would have hated. I feel safe and cherished. Before we made love for the first time he "unmarried" me by removing my wedding ring. One day soon I hope to do the same for him

It worries me how these scumbage can feel good about themselves miss treating anyone.
I do enjoy playing a MASTER but it is the lady who offers the submission in the game and would never abuse her gift and if the lady I'm seeing isn't into it it's never mentioned and up until an ex askedme to try it I had never even thought of it and as I said it is a wonderful gift that she wanted me to be a part of.
Anything a lady is not happy with should never be done as I wouldn't wan't anything I didn't want done to me.

As I said at times I'm ashamed to be a male.


I wish you all the happiness you desire in your life and thanks for your post.

 

[kikmosa]

I, too, was married a long time to a man that, I don't think, ever loved me. In all honesty I don't even remember marrying him. I just remember him showing up at a place that a friend and I had gone too and him getting mad because I was there. He made me sit at his table where he could watch me. I do remember getting up to go to the ladies room and coming back. I really don't remember much else for a few days. The next thing I do remember is waking up in a room in a place in Mexico with him beside me. When he told me we had gotten married I thought he was crazy. I tried to leave but I didn't even know where I was and I couldn't speak Spanish. I found out later that everyone in this town was pretty much a member of one family in one way or another so they wouldn't have helped me even if I could have talked to them. He caught up to me and dragged me back to the room and that's when it started. He said he had to teach me to be a good wife. His way of teaching was very painful. After beating me til I could barely move he threw me on the bed on my stomach and tied my arms behind me. Then he raped me. This set the pattern for a long time. I was never alowed to do anything without his permission or I was punished. I couldn't even eat or drink without his permission. For two years I lived like this. Two years of hell. By the time he decided to move, he owned me. And yes I tried to run again. The first time he broke my leg so I couldn't run. The next time he 'gave' me to the cousin that caught me for the night. The thrid time he cut the tendon to my large toe to keep me from walking. The fourth time he told me that if I did it again he was going after my sisters. There was no fifth time. When we moved it was back to the states. He had to be more careful there. Still he found ways to punish me. One night I found several bottles of Tequila that he had put away. I decided then and there that it would be my way out. I snuck them away and got out of the house. I found an empty lot and started to drink. If I had any sense I would have opened all the bottles before I started. I didn't and by the time I got to the fourth I couldn't open it. I passed out and still would have died only someone found me and called the paramedics. When I got out of the hospital He put me back in by beating me for embarrassing him. And the years rolled on. 16 years I lived like that. 16 years of hell. No escape and no hope. Then one day he walks in and tells me he's leaving me for someone younger. Said I didn't scream enough for him any more. God I was so afraid that it was just a new way to torture me. But it wasn't. He did leave and I packed up and ran as fast as I could. I filed for divorce and ran again. It's been four years now and I still live in fear of him. I feel like I can never trust another man to get close to me. And I've tried. God I've tried. The only one I've been able to get close enough to turned out to be a bastard in another way. Seems he was going to do it as a favor for a so-called friend of mine but he couldn't go through with it. Just points out to me how right I was to not trust. I don't know if I can ever heal from this. I carry scars so deep inside of me that they may never go away. I'm not even sure life is worth living anymore. But I've promised someone that I won't do that so it's not an option anymore. But how can I get over this? How can I keep going on? I'm just so tired. Someone, please, tell me how deal with this. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so confused. I just want it to end......

 

[Gil_T2]

KEEP YOUR PROMISE and I'm sure there will be hope in your future as with BANDIT life can turn things around.

You are worth so much better and I know so many friends you have made in your time here on LIT will be here to support you in any way we can.

WE (males) are not all arseholes and I pray that you findout soon that life can be a pleasure.

I think professional help will be needed to help overcome the injustice you have suffered.

I have to go off line for a while but will return later.You have my email address any time at all you need me I'll be there.

Gil

 

[Bandit58]

kikmosa

Damn.....my story pales in comparison to yours.....I really don't know what to say, but I'm so glad you got out.....

I posted my story on another message board 3 months ago, and someone sent me a link:

www.rainn.org

It's a sexual assault hotline that might help you get some counselling. Hang in there, PM me if you want to talk, anytime

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: kikmosa

Damn.....my story pales in comparison to yours.....I really don't know what to say, but I'm so glad you got out.....

I posted my story on another message board 3 months ago, and someone sent me a link:

www.rainn.org

It's a sexual assault hotline that might help you get some counselling. Hang in there, PM me if you want to talk, anytime

THANKYOU FOR THE LINK and hope you find help Kiki

 

[~Dream~]

kikmosa

Sweetheart ,,I am here for you ,honest to God I am ,Please keep your word and stay with us ok ? I Have read alot of your posts on the playground and I sense a lovely beautiful woman behind those words.. I swear I do ..

I was physically abused for 3 straight years by my ex-husband who use to kick me in the stomach while I was pregnant even .. I know the *pain* sweety ,truly I do ... NONE of this at all is YOUR fault and you above all others DESERVE to Live hon .. You are strong but if you need more strength hun ,take mine .. pm me and I will even give you my phone number if ya wanna call and talk,ok?my e-mail is dreamangel_49801@yahoo.com ,please do Not feel like you need to end anything .. I know you are tired sweety ,I KNOW you are confused too ,take some deep breaths ok? imagine some where Safe and calm like on a beach orsomething .. I WANT YOU TO know there is ALWAYS HOPE ..there are good guys out there and there will be for you too sweety ,i really wanna get to know ya better and be your friend.. you can call me Dream.. and these are all for you >> x24 2 dozen not just 1 cause You ARE Special !!!

 

[~Dream~]

kikmosa

just please pm me ok? please if you need a shoulder .. i am here for you and I really DO WANNA BE your friend ,ok?

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hi

I, too, was married a long time to a man that, I don't think, ever loved me. In all honesty I don't even remember marrying him. I just remember him showing up at a place that a friend and I had gone too and him getting mad because I was there. He made me sit at his table where he could watch me. I do remember getting up to go to the ladies room and coming back. I really don't remember much else for a few days. The next thing I do remember is waking up in a room in a place in Mexico with him beside me. When he told me we had gotten married I thought he was crazy. I tried to leave but I didn't even know where I was and I couldn't speak Spanish. I found out later that everyone in this town was pretty much a member of one family in one way or another so they wouldn't have helped me even if I could have talked to them. He caught up to me and dragged me back to the room and that's when it started. He said he had to teach me to be a good wife. His way of teaching was very painful. After beating me til I could barely move he threw me on the bed on my stomach and tied my arms behind me. Then he raped me. This set the pattern for a long time. I was never alowed to do anything without his permission or I was punished. I couldn't even eat or drink without his permission. For two years I lived like this. Two years of hell. By the time he decided to move, he owned me. And yes I tried to run again. The first time he broke my leg so I couldn't run. The next time he 'gave' me to the cousin that caught me for the night. The thrid time he cut the tendon to my large toe to keep me from walking. The fourth time he told me that if I did it again he was going after my sisters. There was no fifth time. When we moved it was back to the states. He had to be more careful there. Still he found ways to punish me. One night I found several bottles of Tequila that he had put away. I decided then and there that it would be my way out. I snuck them away and got out of the house. I found an empty lot and started to drink. If I had any sense I would have opened all the bottles before I started. I didn't and by the time I got to the fourth I couldn't open it. I passed out and still would have died only someone found me and called the paramedics. When I got out of the hospital He put me back in by beating me for embarrassing him. And the years rolled on. 16 years I lived like that. 16 years of hell. No escape and no hope. Then one day he walks in and tells me he's leaving me for someone younger. Said I didn't scream enough for him any more. God I was so afraid that it was just a new way to torture me. But it wasn't. He did leave and I packed up and ran as fast as I could. I filed for divorce and ran again. It's been four years now and I still live in fear of him. I feel like I can never trust another man to get close to me. And I've tried. God I've tried. The only one I've been able to get close enough to turned out to be a bastard in another way. Seems he was going to do it as a favor for a so-called friend of mine but he couldn't go through with it. Just points out to me how right I was to not trust. I don't know if I can ever heal from this. I carry scars so deep inside of me that they may never go away. I'm not even sure life is worth living anymore. But I've promised someone that I won't do that so it's not an option anymore. But how can I get over this? How can I keep going on? I'm just so tired. Someone, please, tell me how deal with this. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so confused. I just want it to end......

Hi Kiki,

This is one sad story that nobody should have had to endure . . . but you have Kiki, and you are stronger for surviving. The bastard did you one big favour by leaving . . . God help the poor girl he chose, because he will not change and she will get the same . . . unfortunately . . .

I found a place called the Bethel Community Centre at Coolangatta Queensland, Australia that helped me sort out my demons . . . and in a group of 20 people, all strangers before the event, there were stories at least as horrendous as yours . . . the scars will heal and that will take time . . . but the world is a wonderful place and there are many wonderful people out there . . .

Now is the time to re-build, to decide what YOU want as YOUR future . . . and to work towards achieving those goals. Strangely, the world goes out of its way to help a person who knows what they want, so . . . decide what you want and go after it. Of course, I would suggest that you seek some professional assistance with calming your demons . . . You are a wonderful person and deserve happiness in your life . . . there is no place for physical violence . . . EVER!!!

 

[kikmosa]

I know how it feels to be kicked when your pregnant. There's no pain greater in this world. I made the mistake of getting pregnant during the second year. I managed to hide it for almost three months before he found out. He was so angry. He didn't want kids at all. He beat me that day worse then I've ever been beaten. Once he had me on the floor he started to kick me over and over. Needless to say I lost the baby that night. He caused so much damage that they said I would probably never be able to have one. And I never did get pregnanat after that so I guess they were right. In a way I was glad it happened. As much as I wanted a baby, it was better to not put one through living with that.

 

[Arden]

HI Kiki,

Some day I'd be happy to share my own private hell with you... but not now, it's so late.

I think the world of you for being so strong and getting your story out here... and you must know that you may have just helped someone else that reads your post in the future. You're an incredible woman to have endured that which you went through... and I have no doubt that you will find yourself at peace once again.

Healing takes time, patience, and perseverence. Allow yourself these luxuries, please. I've been divorced for 7+ years, and haven't dated that much... but what I had to do is take time to find out who I am, what I wanted out of life, what my dreams were for ME... how to plan for my future. (and my two kids)

The most important thing in the world is to take care of Kiki FIRST. Get enough sleep, eat when you're hungry, cry if you want to cry, and don't get too caught up in hiding your feelings with drinking or drugs. You've got to be there for yourself.

But the most important thing is this... You have to believe. Believe in Kiki, believe in god if you are so inclined... believe it can and will get better for you with ALL OF YOUR HEART.

And always know that we're here for you.

{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}

 

[Arden]

Gil,

Thank you so much for this opportunity for all of us to come together as friends. You're a sweetheart.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thankyou all for your posts

Like I said above sometime I'm ashamed being a male I didn't say man as these low life scum will never be men.

I now need to get my health treatment back on track as I have neglected it today and starting to feel the affects.

I will be back shortly.

 

[Native Alien]

Gil you have no reason to feel badly. You are right when you call them scumbags and I have a few others that I use in the middle of the night.

But one of the hardest things to learn is also one of the most important. Not all men are like these. There are men out there that can be trusted and who won't abuse.

Sometimes it can be a pain trying to find them but they are there. As a woman, one of the hardest things to do is to learn to trust someone after being abused.

You are one of the few that can be trusted.

 

[Arden]

GOOD NIGHT
KIKI !!!!

Sleep well, we'll see you tomorrow!

 

[Ladybird]

Kiki..

Kiki my friend, after reading your story I just want to open my arms and hug you. You poor woman, you have been thru so much.

One important thing to remember honey, is that you were a victim.. what happened was out of your control.

Like most of the women here, I was abused during my marriage too. Not physically, but psychologically. My husband is a control freak to the max.

I wasn't allowed to do small things like.. touch anything on his bedside table.. in case I broke something. I was never allowed into the shed.. in case I moved something. I wasn't even allowed to charge my own mobile phone.. because I wasn't clever enough.

And that's how he controlled me... by being critical of everything that I did. My self confidence disappeared. For the last few years that we were together, if I needed to speak to him, I would play the words I would use over in my head, to make sure he couldn't pick anything wrong with them.

It took a lot of strength to finally leave him. We were together for 30 years. People would ask, why did you leave it so long? In truth.. because it took me that long to get the courage together.

Now, I'm on my own, and I'm learning to do things that I should know about. Things I was never allowed to do. But most important of all, gradually my self confidence is returning. Every thing that I learn or master shows me that I'm not dumb, I am responsible and able.

I still have a long way to go of course, but I'm getting there. I will never re-marry, I won't put myself in that situation again, and I doubt that I'd even live with someone again. This man has taken a lot from me, but I'm stronger than he realised. I'm a winner. I know I can recover and be the woman that I should be.

And that's how you need to think too honey. Don't look to others, but learn to look within. When you do, you'll find a strong and gutsy woman. You must be, or you wouldn't be here now.

One last thing.. take a look at this thread. You haven't been here with us for very long, but look at the people who have come out to love and support you. Doesn't it say what a very special woman you are.

I like you a lot. You and I have shared a few laughs lately, and its been good.. ya dingbat! Put your pennies together girl, and come and visit me. I have a spare bedroom.. we could have a lot of fun!

Now my friend, I'd like you to do something for me, please. Go to this link, and read it. Not all in one sitting, there's a lot there. If you do that, then you'll benefit as much as I have.

Love you kiddo..

http://www.thegreatillusion.com

 

[Gil_T2]

THANKYOU everyone for posting

I started this thread to show one person that people care but now hope together we can offer our love and support to all who come here in need.

There is not enough love in this world.

Lets change that

 

[Native Alien]

First to Gil---many thinks for starting this one... hopefully it will have the intended effect. and again i will say you are not one of those men.

Kiki--you are better than you know and stronger than you think that you are. I know the confusion seems to be in power now, but arden has a point...do things in your own time.

You are stronger than he will ever be. He looms so large because you think that he is...I have been here and further. I simply believed in me. You are a wonderful, warm person who has alot to offer. I know what it is like to spend every waking (and some sleeping) moments looking over your shoulder.

It will take time and effort to heal...you have my msn and my yahoo. if you need me just knock. I will be here for you and so will many others that have been there and back.

excuse the rambling but the thoughts come faster these days than the fingers can fly.

x 12 and one

 

[Gil_T2]

BIG HUGS TO YOU ALL FROM ME

as the song says "What the world need now is love sweet love"

it is so true

I wish I could hug each and every one of you.