How do you help someone get over being abused

[PertPerth]

I am a little like that.. I hate being touched by people.
I... need to keep space between myself and most people.
Unless it is someone I trust.
Does not matter whether the person that wants to hug me is male or female.
I am much better once I get to know someone. But if a mere acquaintance hugs me I get all tense and freeze up. I make myself give the hug, I know in my head these people are not threatening me in any way... But it does not make the anxiety any less...

I used to flinch when someone - anyone/thing touched me. I hated (and still do) going to the hair dresser and having them wash my hair. I remember when I first got my cat (yes, another cat story!) I thought I was going to have to give him away because I was going insane with him touching me all the time! Needless to say, he's been a wonderful influence on me and he's taught me to appreciate a good cuddle.
I've worked hard at over coming the obstacles which have fallen in my path. I'm proud of what I have achieved and who I am becoming, but I know I've got a way to go yet.

 

[sxcascinn]

I used to flinch when someone - anyone/thing touched me. I hated (and still do) going to the hair dresser and having them wash my hair. I remember when I first got my cat (yes, another cat story!) I thought I was going to have to give him away because I was going insane with him touching me all the time! Needless to say, he's been a wonderful influence on me and he's taught me to appreciate a good cuddle.
I've worked hard at over coming the obstacles which have fallen in my path. I'm proud of what I have achieved and who I am becoming, but I know I've got a way to go yet.

It's a never ending journey. Just like life..
I find myself pushing my boundaries all the time.
Sometimes I hate that they are there, at other times I think would I be me without them? Over time some things have come much easier.
One thing I didn't say before is that I have friends I have known for years, that still make me uncomfortable when they get too close...
I try not to let them see that though.
i know i have come along way to, and yeah i still have a long way to go... but I am moving forwards instead of backwards and thats always good!!!
I have a cat too.. she likes to sleep on my chest... lol

 

[Dvision]

It is not easy.

You need a lot of patience, tenderness, softness, kindness, you need
a lot of LOVE to her.

It is a test of TRUE LOVE every day again. Even when your gf pushes you away, you have to know that she loves you.

You need to find a way to her heart. You have to find a way that she trusts you and you need to put a lot of energy in it.

You need to surround her with ulitmate softness and kindness every day again.

Don't not ever treat her as a victim. She is more than a victim. She is a lady with capacities and my gf does not want to be seen as a victim or a patient, more than else she wants to be treated as a normal woman.

Love her for whom she is and love the scars in her soul.

Try to be kind everytime but at the same time don't see her as a victim;

All ladies that have been abused (sexually or physically) are hurt but are also very strong. So be kind to their wounds, but see her as a woman and not as a victim.
Give her the feeling that she is a normal woman and that hapiness is close to her reach.

Do NOT EVER break the trust she puts in you.

TALK a lot with her. Talk about normal things, talk about the abuse.

When she is able to talk about the abuse without feeling sad, you are a winner.

ALWAYS SURROUND HER WITH HIGHER LOVE AND NEAR HER WITH THE UPMOST RESPECT

IF YOU REALLY LOVE HER THEN NEVER GIVE UP ON HER

 

[Gil_T2]

It is not easy.

You need a lot of patience, tenderness, softness, kindness, you need
a lot of LOVE to her.

It is a test of TRUE LOVE every day again. Even when your gf pushes you away, you have to know that she loves you.

You need to find a way to her heart. You have to find a way that she trusts you and you need to put a lot of energy in it.

You need to surround her with ulitmate softness and kindness every day again.

Don't not ever treat her as a victim. She is more than a victim. She is a lady with capacities and my gf does not want to be seen as a victim or a patient, more than else she wants to be treated as a normal woman.

Love her for whom she is and love the scars in her soul.

Try to be kind everytime but at the same time don't see her as a victim;

All ladies that have been abused (sexually or physically) are hurt but are also very strong. So be kind to their wounds, but see her as a woman and not as a victim.
Give her the feeling that she is a normal woman and that hapiness is close to her reach.

Do NOT EVER break the trust she puts in you.

TALK a lot with her. Talk about normal things, talk about the abuse.

When she is able to talk about the abuse without feeling sad, you are a winner.

ALWAYS SURROUND HER WITH HIGHER LOVE AND NEAR HER WITH THE UPMOST RESPECT

IF YOU REALLY LOVE HER THEN NEVER GIVE UP ON HER

Thanks for posting here Dvision, survivers of abuse go through all kinds of demons that often have to be faced on a daily basis just to get through the day & the ways of dealing with this does vary from person to person.
Sexual, physical & often the worst emotional abuse ( as it destroys self esteem) survivers have all been victims up to the time that the abuse has ended then the title changes (see BANDIT's sig line) .

It seems the system you are using for your G/F is working for her but like all types of treatment it is different for different ppl & or at different times.Although some do not respond to the cotten wool approach at all, they do prefer the just being there & understanding.

You are right that the Survivers are much stronger than they realise as I get/ got great inspiration from one of the ladies on this thread who went through the most shocking abuse I have heard of & is fighting the demons & making her way to a better life, she is my hero.

Keep up the good loving care of your G/F & come back when ever you can.

 

[Dvision]

The cotton wool approach does not always work with my gf. Just being there is indeed very important.

I need to be soft to her, but I also need to be a man for her, a rock, somebody who she can build on or trust. It is not always easy., she is very sensitive, every change in my voice, in my posture, .... she has noticed everything.

The same with other people. If somebody approaches her, all her senses are up, she senses everything.

I get the feeling that she wants me to be a real man, somebody who is there for her when she is feeling bad. At that time she wants me to be happy or strong.

She wants to be a 'normal' woman and wants me to treat her like that;
I may not see her as a victim, she hates the word victim or patient.

She hates it when she thinks I pity her. At those times, my cotton wool approah does not work. When she feels something that is not ok with her, I need to give her space.

I would like her to come to the christmas party of my work, but there is no way she will come with me; I respect that, for me there is no reason why she should not go, but one look, one wrong vibe of someone, and she is gone.

The hardest thing for me is to see that she feels guilty about the things that happend to her; She feels so, so guilty and it was not her fault not at all, but always come those guilty feelings. Tons and tons of guilt. And there is nothing absolute nothing that she could do to stop it at that time.

My cotton wool approach does not work when she feels guilty. At that time there is absolute nothing I can do. The only thing that I can do is just be there and accept it. That is hard for me but in many ways she has been a teacher for me and she often leads me and when that happens I'm very grateful.

Those are beautiful moments, acceptance, serenity, moments I cherrish with her.





BTW cats are great;

 

[PertPerth]

The cotton wool approach does not always work with my gf. Just being there is indeed very important.

I need to be soft to her, but I also need to be a man for her, a rock, somebody who she can build on or trust. It is not always easy., she is very sensitive, every change in my voice, in my posture, .... she has noticed everything.

The same with other people. If somebody approaches her, all her senses are up, she senses everything.

I get the feeling that she wants me to be a real man, somebody who is there for her when she is feeling bad. At that time she wants me to be happy or strong.

She wants to be a 'normal' woman and wants me to treat her like that;
I may not see her as a victim, she hates the word victim or patient.

She hates it when she thinks I pity her. At those times, my cotton wool approah does not work. When she feels something that is not ok with her, I need to give her space.

I would like her to come to the christmas party of my work, but there is no way she will come with me; I respect that, for me there is no reason why she should not go, but one look, one wrong vibe of someone, and she is gone.

The hardest thing for me is to see that she feels guilty about the things that happend to her; She feels so, so guilty and it was not her fault not at all, but always come those guilty feelings. Tons and tons of guilt. And there is nothing absolute nothing that she could do to stop it at that time.

My cotton wool approach does not work when she feels guilty. At that time there is absolute nothing I can do. The only thing that I can do is just be there and accept it. That is hard for me but in many ways she has been a teacher for me and she often leads me and when that happens I'm very grateful.

Please forgive me if I offend, it's not my intention. It's pretty obvious that you love your girlfriend very much and that you are doing your best to help her - as well as try to understand things yourself.
I have so much to say right now, only I'm not quite sure I can put it into words properly, so I may have to come back and make edits later.

Victim. Being the victim of abuse doesn't mean that your girlfriend (or any other victims) needs to be protected in the future. Indeed, she might need a shoulder to cry on, but not necessarily someone to surround her in cotton wool. In fact, in my case it taught me to be very strong, capable and independent from a very early age. (Again, doesn't mean that I don't need comfort, I just don't need - nor want - anyone else to fight my battles for me).

Pity. This is a curious one for me. I often hear it, but I don't quite understand. I have read someone elses post (and I feel the same) that even though they were abused, it's a part of who they are today - and they like who they are! Since there is no way to undo what happened, I try to see the silver lining.

Normal woman? As far as I'm concerned, there is NO normal! Each person is unique and different. Even identical twins aren't quite identical - different finger prints for sure. So, your girlfriend is as normal as I am; as normal as any other person on the planet. Everyone will react to the same situation in a different way...it's the amazing thing about the Human race. Off creatures we are!!

Ahh Guilt! I my (what I often refer to as) dark cloud. He sits over my right shoulder. Yes, he brings his silver lining with him, but he also is the bearer of guilt and shame. I don't feel guilty about being abused, just everything else! It's still something I'm working on - I just need a good slap in the face now and then!

Rant over. Have a great weekend all
~Pert

 

[Dvision]

I'm not offended.

Victim. Being the victim of abuse doesn't mean that your girlfriend (or any other victims) needs to be protected in the future. Indeed, she might need a shoulder to cry on, but not necessarily someone to surround her in cotton wool. In fact, in my case it taught me to be very strong, capable and independent from a very early age. (Again, doesn't mean that I don't need comfort, I just don't need - nor want - anyone else to fight my battles for me).

True I recognize this. It is as if you use her words. She does not want me to fight her battles for her.

Pity. I think that if she thinks I pity her, (which I don't but sometimes she thinks I pity her) I see her not as the whole person she is; I think that at that moment she thinks that I focus on the abuse and not on every thing else she is.

Normal woman? As far as I'm concerned, there is NO normal! Each person is unique and different.

True, what she wants is to feel happy, run over the beaches in the sun, and be happy with everything ('normal' or not 'normal'). With 'normal' I meant just being happy.

Ahh Guilt! I my (what I often refer to as) dark cloud. He sits over my right shoulder. Yes, he brings his silver lining with him, but he also is the bearer of guilt and shame. I don't feel guilty about being abused, just everything else! It's still something I'm working on - I just need a good slap in the face now and then!


True, she feels partly guilty about the abuse, but I think that she mainly feels guilty about a consequence of the abuse; that is something I recently discovered. The abuse itself it not the main reason why she feels guilty.
It is the consequence that makes her feel (sometimes) very guilty.

She embraces her feelings of guilt, and other emotions in her; I admire her for that.

In my wanton approach I try to make her feel happy every day.
I want her to feel loved.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi Pert & Dvision,

AS I said above the ppl who suffer abuse are only victims while they are in the abusive situation & survivers post abuse.

Each of us has a way they deal with the past & find comfort in different way, seeing how some who post how they deal with it shows this fact. The only ones that worry me are the ones who don't face what has happened & don't allow those that care to see the pain that they mask.

I suggest finding a peer group as they really are the only ones who can understand what ppl are facing & trying to deal with.

 

[Bandit58]

I am a survivor of over 20 years of emotional abuse. It will be 6 years next April since I left. I still have problems sometimes, although getting less as time passes.

Dvision I am interested to know how long ago the abuse happened to your g/f. There are stages of working through what has happened, ranging through guilt, anger, tears, self esteem issues.....I'm still working through those. I also berated myself for staying there so long, asked myself why I didn't see what he was doing as abusive, wondered how it would have affected my kids....

This is something that's always going to affect me whether I want it to or not. Your g/f is lucky to have you Just be there for her when she wants and needs to cry, scream, or just be held. Don't be surprised if it's little things that affect her the most - it has been that way for me.

P.S. I googled "surviving abuse" and there are several helpful websites listed including this one:

The Survivor's Handbook

 

[Dvision]

Hi Bandit58

It is now 12 years ago that she suffered the first series of abuse , there was a second series , later in her life. [edit: the second series were not as bad as the first series, but they opened the wounds again].

She has a counselor and she is a member of a support group.

 

[Dvision]

today is a support day

everyone who wants to support my GF and us and for all the other survivors
and their partners

say


"love rules the world"

 

[Gil_T2]

today is a support day

everyone who wants to support my GF and us and for all the other survivors
and their partners

say


"love rules the world"

I'm in ..........
"love rules the world"

 

[sxcascinn]

Love rules the world....
Sorry i am a little too shy to scream it to the rafters like Gil

 

[Noor]

"Love rules"

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I come back to this thread, again and again...

since I don't believe I have posted here before (and if I did it was so long ago that I have forgotten) please allow me to join in the *love rules* shout out....


Love rules the world!!!!

One day I will come back and share my own past with those who want to hear about it...

I just wanted to thank everyone for providing continuous listening and love.....

 

[Dvision]

THERE IS NO DEEPER WAVE THEN THIS

LOVE RULES THE WORLD




The day is not over yet , but it was a good day so far.



Today she said:
"I have peace with all the images that are burned in my eyes and memories."

The night starts to fall over here, we are not and the end, the worst may come yet.

 

[sxcascinn]

THERE IS NO DEEPER WAVE THEN THIS

LOVE RULES THE WORLD




The day is not over yet , but it was a good day so far.



Today she said:
"I have peace with all the images that are burned in my eyes and memories."

The night starts to fall over here, we are not and the end, the worst may come yet.

And if perchance there is worse to come... She is lucky to have you by her side to help catch her when she falls
But I hope today is a happy day for you both

 

[Dvision]

thank you all for your support

For me those days are days were she gives me puzzle pieces.
She often does not want to give me puzzle pieces, but eventually she
gives them to me. With each piece I get a better view of the complete puzzle.

this night I felt more then ever the deep scars in her soul, I understood more then ever the link between her scars and the way she thinks.

There was a moment she was about to fall and when I held her she stoop up.
She wanted to be alone. I gave her some time, then I went looking for her.
Sometimes she pushes me away, but I'm like that darn cat, that always comes back. I told her she was beautiful in every possible way inside and outside.

She said she couldn't be beautiful with all that pain and sorrow in her.
I told her this line from a song from Cohen: There is a crack in everybody, that is how the light comes in.

and it worked, I could comfort her and she smiled (YES)
I would do everything to see her smile.

I'v have danced with her this night and she smiled

"THERE IS NO DEEPER WAVE THEN THIS
LOVE RULES THE WORLD"

 

[Gil_T2]

"Love rules"

Thanks Noor for posting LOVE RULES.

 

[Gil_T2]

I come back to this thread, again and again...

since I don't believe I have posted here before (and if I did it was so long ago that I have forgotten) please allow me to join in the *love rules* shout out....


Love rules the world!!!!

One day I will come back and share my own past with those who want to hear about it...

I just wanted to thank everyone for providing continuous listening and love.....

Thanks Luna_Wolf72 for joing the
Love rules the world!!!! tally.

One of the msot pleasing thing for me on lit besides finding BANDIT running around the threads is the caring nature this thread has offered to anyone comming here to post their experiences, no one judges & all care, when your ready please come back.

 

[Gil_T2]

Love rules the world....
Sorry i am a little too shy to scream it to the rafters like Gil

Wait till i tell Mac, I would of thought you would be shouting LOVE RULES THE WORLD

 

[Gil_T2]

THERE IS NO DEEPER WAVE THEN THIS

LOVE RULES THE WORLD




The day is not over yet , but it was a good day so far.



Today she said:
"I have peace with all the images that are burned in my eyes and memories."

The night starts to fall over here, we are not and the end, the worst may come yet.

Dvision may the message spread !
LOVE RULES THE WORLD

 

[Gil_T2]

thank you all for your support

For me those days are days were she gives me puzzle pieces.
She often does not want to give me puzzle pieces, but eventually she
gives them to me. With each piece I get a better view of the complete puzzle.

this night I felt more then ever the deep scars in her soul, I understood more then ever the link between her scars and the way she thinks.

There was a moment she was about to fall and when I held her she stoop up.
She wanted to be alone. I gave her some time, then I went looking for her.
Sometimes she pushes me away, but I'm like that darn cat, that always comes back. I told her she was beautiful in every possible way inside and outside.

She said she couldn't be beautiful with all that pain and sorrow in her.
I told her this line from a song from Cohen: There is a crack in everybody, that is how the light comes in.

and it worked, I could comfort her and she smiled (YES)
I would do everything to see her smile.

I'v have danced with her this night and she smiled

"THERE IS NO DEEPER WAVE THEN THIS
LOVE RULES THE WORLD"

A win for you lady & a fantastic job done by you (not that it was a "job") I'm sending a pat on the back for you.

LOVE RULES THE WORLD

 

[sxcascinn]

Wait till i tell Mac, I would of thought you would be shouting LOVE RULES THE WORLD

He will understand
and he knows LOVE DEFINITELY RULES MY WORLD..
Now if I could just wake him up.....

 

[Dvision]

Thank you for
Love rules the world
rally

I see progress in so many ways and all she needs and I need is LOVE.

Love is a curious thing. It has its own laws and we, people, are subjected to it. When you love someone, you can only obey the laws of Love and it is a pleasure obying them.

thanks to all and remember

LOVE RULES THE WORLD
THERE IS NO DEEPER WAVE THEN THIS