Divorce and Separation

[Ukin]

Thanks Ukin. It just helps to know that I am not asking for more than I deserve. I just took care of my needs myself so that will help to take the edge off, but as all of you know it is not the same as having that touch from another. I could cry when I think of the time and energy that my lover devotes to me.....there is nothing like someone enjoying giving such pleasure and the desire that you have to give it back.

Think nothing of it kiddo. He will come to realize, maybe, that one day he won't have that person to touch..or be touched. Lonliness is a killer..I know..for I am that man.

There are too many "takers" in relationships.

 

[psyche]

input anyone?

Well. here I am again.......I am in a 20 year marriage. We have been through some counseling.....My husband is no longer depressed because he has responded to his medication. He is not picking on me, he is not losing his temper any more.....things are peaceful and quiet around the house - on his part. He is calmer. He comes home from work and falls asleep a lot either in bed or on the couch. And still I am not happy.....He had lost interest in sex.......and he thinks the problem is over because once a week he will initiate sex......Here is a description of our last two sexual encounters.

He goes down on me, and the only way I can describe it is that he in 'in a hurry to get me off' when he thinks I have had enough he straddles me and puts his cock in my mouth and cums instantly.......

He lays on the bed, on his back and tells me to suck his cock, I do and he puts his finger between my legs, rubbing me so hard and fast that I have to tell him to slow down and he says he can't help it so I tell him to stop......I continue to suck him, he gets up and I put some lube on him he fucks me and cums........

He then tells me he is happy that we are having sex again and that he is happy with it.......when I tell him I'm not, he tells me that I am looking for something to be unhappy about.

Since we weren't having sex for a long time I have taken a lover....This man is incredible and has opened my eyes to my sexuality......I have always enjoyed sex and have always been multiply orgasmic.....

He has been the source of many firsts for me and I crave sex with him.....I can hardly think of anything else. I am talking about sex with hundreds of g-spot orgasms, so incredible that I have squirted with him for the first time in my life. He leaves me shaking, head spinning, almost faint from what he does to me. It is hard for me to leave him.

I am in a 20 year marriage, but the passion is gone, he doesn't reach for me, he doesn't kiss me......he says he loves me, we get along, we like a lot of the same things, he is good to me, financially I have everything I could want. And yet I sit in my home longing for my lover......aching for his touch.......feeling bad that he is alone.......

I am so fucking confused............

 

[MissTaken]

with regard to sex? Is it possible the medication is hurting his libido?

Secondly, you have to chose your priorities. You have to make your own decisions. Sex isn't the end all, be all for a relationship, but can be if you allow it to be.

Any choice you make will have consequences.
Explore those when exploring the risks.

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: input anyone?

Well. here I am again.......I am in a 20 year marriage. We have been through some counseling.....My husband is no longer depressed because he has responded to his medication. He is not picking on me, he is not losing his temper any more.....things are peaceful and quiet around the house - on his part. ............

Psyche, it tears me up to see you in such a predicament, but I didn't hear you use one particular word for either of the men in your life... love.

I have been in sex only relationships, and I have been in caring-friendship-no sex relationships; neither is very good alone, and the best solution is of course is a mixture. But if you are stuck with only one, it is doable only if there is love.

We all have shortcomings. I don't care how nice your husband is becoming now, if you don't love him... it doesn't matter whether the sex is bad or improves.

For your sex buddy, the same is true. You have to share many things, no matter how good he can make you feel in bed, it is not real if he doesn't make you feel great other times, and lets you fall in love.

For now, for you, perhaps both are what you need to get you through... but I think you should find love to satisfy your soul, and perhaps with it will come the physical.

None of my business, but this is what makes my life work now.

 

[psyche]

with regard to sex? Is it possible the medication is hurting his libido?

Secondly, you have to chose your priorities. You have to make your own decisions. Sex isn't the end all, be all for a relationship, but can be if you allow it to be.

Any choice you make will have consequences.
Explore those when exploring the risks.

My husband's situation is very complicated. He gets migraine headaches so he is on medications for those, which could be affecting him. He was clinically depressed for a long time which also has a impact on sex drive. Now he is on an antidepressant. Part of our problem also is that he really thinks I am putting too much emphasis on sex and that it is not that important, so he is not motivated to change or to do anything about it.

I know my choice will have consequences. I am going through a period where I am not going to make any drastic decisions since I am so confused about everything........but every once in a while I have to vent my frustration so I don't go crazy. The weekends are the worst when I am around my husband and have to face up to this change in our relationship.

Thanks for your insight.

 

[psyche]

Re: Re: input anyone?

Psyche, it tears me up to see you in such a predicament, but I didn't hear you use one particular word for either of the men in your life... love.

I have been in sex only relationships, and I have been in caring-friendship-no sex relationships; neither is very good alone, and the best solution is of course is a mixture. But if you are stuck with only one, it is doable only if there is love.

We all have shortcomings. I don't care how nice your husband is becoming now, if you don't love him... it doesn't matter whether the sex is bad or improves.

For your sex buddy, the same is true. You have to share many things, no matter how good he can make you feel in bed, it is not real if he doesn't make you feel great other times, and lets you fall in love.

For now, for you, perhaps both are what you need to get you through... but I think you should find love to satisfy your soul, and perhaps with it will come the physical.

None of my business, but this is what makes my life work now.

wordsmithe,
I always love your feedback because you have such good insights. You're right, even though my husband's behavior is better my love for him has not come back. I am not giving up hope. It may happen with time, I don't know. It really has not been that long since his behavior has changed. I do know that I can't live in a marriage without love no matter what the other benefits of that marriage may be. But I have to give myself some time.

As far as my lover goes, I don't know him well enough to say I love him. I have very strong emotional feelings for him. I hate to leave him, I am very sexually attracted to him, I like him as a person. But I have to realize that my emotions are based on our meetings and that we would have to spend a lot of time together to determine if this relationship could be more. Lust is coloring my analysis of him without a doubt.

To me one of the expressions of love is sex. When I was deeply in love with my husband sex with him was wonderful, emotionally and sexually satisfying. We haven't gotten back to that point. He is worried about what he is doing, and yet he is not really expressing his love for me........he pretty much just doing it so I don't have something to complain about. And when it is not satisfying to me he says it really isn't sex that is the problem but some underlying unhappiness on my part that I am using sex to cover up.

It is as if my lover has uncovered my dormant sexuality that was evident at the beginning of my sexual relationships but was never realized in my marriage. He is so natural and spontaneous, and he has the absolute perfect touch with me, every touch perfectly placed, with the perfect pressure with the perfect timing. I have never been with anyone like him ever. And I have never responded to anyone like I respond to him, I have reached the very peak of sexual pleasure with him. It was that way even for our first meeting.

 

[Bandit58]

At long last

After 8 months I finally have everything sorted with the separation. I got a cheque yesterday from my lawyer for $99,500 (they took $500 off it for legal expenses) and I've started getting my payments of $200 a week as of 2 weeks ago. It's such a huge weight off my shoulders......I now have an extra $300 per month to add to my budget (I've been struggling on $900 a month). The relief of not having to decide whether to eat or pay the electric bill! The downside is that I no longer qualify for income support, but then I wasn't that keen on living off the state anyway

Now I can concentrate on making a new life for myself......divorce will be final on April 1 2004. It's been a long time since I've had the freedom to be ME

 

[psyche]

Re: At long last

After 8 months I finally have everything sorted with the separation. I got a cheque yesterday from my lawyer for $99,500 (they took $500 off it for legal expenses) and I've started getting my payments of $200 a week as of 2 weeks ago. It's such a huge weight off my shoulders......I now have an extra $300 per month to add to my budget (I've been struggling on $900 a month). The relief of not having to decide whether to eat or pay the electric bill! The downside is that I no longer qualify for income support, but then I wasn't that keen on living off the state anyway

Now I can concentrate on making a new life for myself......divorce will be final on April 1 2004. It's been a long time since I've had the freedom to be ME

Let me be the first to say good luck on your new venture.......

 

[wordsmithe]

psyche

psyche

Are things improving? Haven't heard of your situation in a while...

 

[psyche]

Re: psyche

psyche

Are things improving? Haven't heard of your situation in a while...

wordsmithe,
You are so sweet to ask about me and check to see how I am doing. I saw your post earlier and didn't really know how to respond, since I seem to be in a state of confusion. Things are better at home, meaning they are quieter. I have had two meetings with a really good psychologist, who has gotten further in these two meetings than the first one would have gotten in two years. My love for my husband has not returned and I realize that I am not really allowing it because I am so consumed by my lover. When I have a free moment to think I wonder what he is doing, I long to be with him, to touch him and for him to be there next to me. I see his face, I see his smile, my heart is turning toward him............

Sex at home is no better. The change is that he is talking about sex. He'll say something like, "I was really horney last night, but after I got that phone call........I couldn't possibly have had sex." It's as if he thinks if he mentions the fact that he was thinking about sex that that counts toward a sexual encounter, at least he is thinking about it. Doesn't do me any good........

I have thought about my situation and I am going to try to back away from my lover and see if I can focus on getting my feelings back for my husband. I can't seem to stay in contact with my lover, see him, and talk to him every day without my emotions being drawn to him. I am literally obsessed with him, and who wouldn't be. This man comes along and fulfills all of my sexual fantasies. I could cry from the way he makes me feel in bed, he has opened me more than any man I have ever been with. I ache for his touch, I long to be with him day and night. If my marriage has any chance I have to try to stop thinking about him, but the problem is that right now, I can't imagine my future without him.

So here I am balancing a long term marriage and having thoughts that I should have walked out when he was giving me good reasons to. I am here physically, but I am not emotionally committed anymore which is an awful feeling. And fuck if there aren't days when I wish my lover was just mediocre, someone who just took away the edge. What are the odds that I would meet someone on line who from the first time we met, could literally take my breath away with his touch? Can you imagine how you feel about someone who can touch you and make you cum hundreds of times when you're with him? How you feel about someone who can reach inside you and give you such pleasure that you ejaculate? Sex with him is beyond incredible, can I help it if I'm addicted to him? How many people could turn and walk away from that?

We've gotten to the point that we 'talk' to each other at least three times a day. When we are busy or we can't get on for some reason I miss him. He can always make me smile, no matter how I feel when I first see him, just seeing his smiling face or hearing his voice is enough to make me happy. I've got it bad.............and you can see that with that attitude I can't begin to give my husband a chance.

 

[wordsmithe]

Lecture

Okay psyche, I am going to have to lecture you now; we have never met, and I have nothing but my own instincts to base this on (so it is nothing but an unfounded opinion), but you need to stop pulling yourself apart like this.

I have never heard of a perfect marriage, but most that work have something to offer for both parties. Friendship, companionship, parenting, something to share...

I see your only happiness coming from out of the marriage.

Your lover is what brings you happiness now, that is where your relationship is now.

Perhaps your labors to fix what your marriage needs should go only to fixing what you need. Perhaps it is time to move on... full time.

 

[psyche]

Re: Lecture

Okay psyche, I am going to have to lecture you now; we have never met, and I have nothing but my own instincts to base this on (so it is nothing but an unfounded opinion), but you need to stop pulling yourself apart like this.

I have never heard of a perfect marriage, but most that work have something to offer for both parties. Friendship, companionship, parenting, something to share...

I see your only happiness coming from out of the marriage.

Your lover is what brings you happiness now, that is where your relationship is now.

Perhaps your labors to fix what your marriage needs should go only to fixing what you need. Perhaps it is time to move on... full time.

I could not answer this post right away. I have been married for so long, that it is hard for me not to give it a chance. Also I know that it is going to be extremely hard for him if I do leave, so I can't make the decision without thinking it through carefully. I am putting a deadline of June on any decision that I make. That will be more than a year since I have felt any love for my husband, if it's not back by then I don't think it will happen.

I always value your input, thanks................

 

[psyche]

divorce

I have not been able to read this thread for a long time. After a long struggle I have left my husband have asked him for a divorce. I know that my life is going to change drastically, but I couldn't stay with him. I tried leaving and staying away to see if I was taking him for granted. But when I went home for the weekend it was uncomfortable for me because I knew in my heart that it was over. Right now I am living with some wonderful friends, and I will eventually look for an apartment. One of my worst fears is that I would become bitter but that hasn't happened, I am happy and I feel at peace. I see that my future may be me alone and I am not afraid of that. I also have hope that I will be able to love another man as much as I loved my husband for over twenty years.

 

[Top Cat]

My main fear in life was growing old alone. I was married for 22 years. Then one day it is over... Christ I was a mess. The ups and downs were terrible. I really hit a low patch just before I woke up a realised I could not change that situation, just make the best of what I had. My father told me this...

Things work out best for those who make the best of the way things work out!

It is true...

Now, I'm happy with my life, friends with my ex, about to remarry and I have a great relationship with my kids.

 

[Bandit58]

I've been separated for a year. My ex has our 15 yr old daughter (she wanted to stay on the farm) but I only live 1/2 hour drive away. He only speaks to me when he has to, on the phone, the last time we talked face to face was 2 months ago. I was the one who broke off 23 years of marriage and he's very bitter......but it was something I had to do for ME or I'd have gone insane. I've lived alone since, although I have a LDR with a guy 5 hours away.

I'm hoping that things will get better between my ex and me, for the kids' sake (we have a 20 yr old son as well). The marriage settlement means he'll still be paying me out for another 9 1/2 years too, unless he sells the farm. I'd have liked a clean break, but we'll always be tied because of our kids.......

 

[Katarinna]

a bit late

hi everyone...
i'm coming into this thread a bit late but wanted to wish you all the best of luck. psyche, it's good that you finally took a stand for yourself, for what is going to make you happy. bandit, topcat, y'all keep hanging in there.

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: divorce

...I have left my husband have asked him for a divorce. I know that my life is going to change drastically, but I couldn't stay with him.

I know that must have been a horrid decision, but I think you have made the best choice for you, honestly.

I'm sure things will be tough for a bit, but I am also sure that things will start looking up for you very soon.

Keep us posted, and may you have much success in this new, better part of your life!

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: a bit late

... so, the hub was right after all.... i am not suitable partner material.

Please don't feel that you are not good enough for anyone simply because you and your husband grew to be different people over the years, and he decided HE needed something different. He does not speak for the world.

But you need to be happy with yourself before anyone else can be. and remind yourself that you have medical problems that are slanting your outlook... please try to stay focused on getting the help you need to cope with your medical issues, and know that you don't need anyone but you to find happiness in the long run.

Eventually you'll be able to share that happiness with many willing people, both male and female... but there are people now who are willing to stand by and help you fight throught it. Look for them.

 

[psyche]

Re: Re: divorce

I know that must have been a horrid decision, but I think you have made the best choice for you, honestly.

I'm sure things will be tough for a bit, but I am also sure that things will start looking up for you very soon.

Keep us posted, and may you have much success in this new, better part of your life!

Thank you wordsmithe, it was one of the most difficult decisions that I have ever made. We had many happy years together and those memories tie me to him, but I have learned a lot about myself in the process. The qualities that drew me to him did not mean a thing to me when he stopped touching me, and living in a beautiful home and having money could not make up for that. Everyone on lit really had a hand in my decision. When he told me it wasn't about sex and that I was 'not right' for putting so much importance on sex, I knew that there are other people who think that sex is a very important part of a relationship and that I am not wrong for needing sex. My lover also helped by showing me that someone could want me, and by opening my eyes to the pleasure that is possible in a sexual relationship.

 

[psyche]

ready to update

Things have been going very well for me. I found a great condo to rent and moved in on June 1st. I was able to stay with those wonderful friends from March until June! I still can't believe they put up with me for so long! LOL! There have been ups and downs in all of this. Some of my friends have been very supportive, and some who I have contacted have not gotten back to me at all. They have apparently decided that my soon to be ex is a better friend than I have been. He has been very difficult to deal with through all of this and was especially hostile when I told him that I was going to get an attorney. In spite of the fact that he has been less than fair and has lied to me a number of times about divorce law in Ohio, he believes that I should have trusted him to be fair to me. Today I was served with divorce papers which didn't surprise me. He accused me of adultery, which has absolutely no bearing on anything in terms of a divorce in Ohio. He also took out a restraining order against me to keep me away from the house, which is really a joke since I have never gone to the house without his permission, and since I have every right to have access to my personal property some of which is still in the house. He is so broken hearted that he is seeing one of our friends, who moved in like a shark to blood. Such is life.

 

[Bandit58]

I have been separated now for a year and 3 months. I live alone, my daughter lives with my ex and my son is at university. The relationship with the ex is strained, I hardly see him and he avoids me if I go to pick up our daughter or bring her home. In the end it all came down to money, he bitterly resents the fact that he had to take out a bigger mortgage on the farm to pay me my share of the matrimonial property. Never mind the fact that I could have forced the sale of the property and put his parents in dire financial straits if I had gone after everything I was entitled to by law.

I hate talking to him and I hate seeing him, it just brings back bad memories. He hasn't had any sort of relationship since I left, while I've moved on, had several lovers and discovered a whole heap about myself that I should have come to terms with a long time ago. Even though one of those relationships has run its course and I am really sad about it, I am not bitter in the way my ex seems to be about our broken marriage. That was dead to me for years, we were like two strangers living in the same house.

I'm loving the freedom to do what I want when I want, even if the nights are lonely sometimes. For the first time in my life I am living alone, at 44 years old. Even though it's tough at times, I wouldn't go back to the life I had before.......

Good luck Psyche There are people I haven't even seen since I left my marriage, including some of his family. And do I miss their stuck-up, conservative little lives?? Hell no! If they knew of some of the things I have been doing, they'd choke. My ex has no idea I am bi.....do you think I should tell him???

 

[psyche]

I have been separated now for a year and 3 months. I live alone, my daughter lives with my ex and my son is at university. The relationship with the ex is strained, I hardly see him and he avoids me if I go to pick up our daughter or bring her home. In the end it all came down to money, he bitterly resents the fact that he had to take out a bigger mortgage on the farm to pay me my share of the matrimonial property. Never mind the fact that I could have forced the sale of the property and put his parents in dire financial straits if I had gone after everything I was entitled to by law.

I hate talking to him and I hate seeing him, it just brings back bad memories. He hasn't had any sort of relationship since I left, while I've moved on, had several lovers and discovered a whole heap about myself that I should have come to terms with a long time ago. Even though one of those relationships has run its course and I am really sad about it, I am not bitter in the way my ex seems to be about our broken marriage. That was dead to me for years, we were like two strangers living in the same house.

I'm loving the freedom to do what I want when I want, even if the nights are lonely sometimes. For the first time in my life I am living alone, at 44 years old. Even though it's tough at times, I wouldn't go back to the life I had before.......

Good luck Psyche There are people I haven't even seen since I left my marriage, including some of his family. And do I miss their stuck-up, conservative little lives?? Hell no! If they knew of some of the things I have been doing, they'd choke. My ex has no idea I am bi.....do you think I should tell him???

You are right about it being very freeing. After years of having to worry about what someone else would have to eat for dinner, taking care of someone else's clothing, and worrying about whether the house was taken care of, I don't have to worry about anyone but me. My ex was high maintenence, and I am for the first time in years actually reading magazines and books again! LOL! I swear that I will never have a big house again that eats up my time. And you are right about the friends. I have some good friends who have been there for me through all of this. Friends who know that without my lover I would have gone crazy. And I would and could never go back again. We were at least lucky enough not to have had children, so once this is over I won't have to have any contact with him at all. We just had a cat and talk about your true friends! She peed all over everything that he owned, including his leather briefcase, until he told me to come and get her because he couldn't stand cleaning up cat pee anymore. I brought her here with me and she hasn't peed anywhere but her cat box since! LMAO! I guess she knew who she wanted to live with!

 

[redrider4u]

You are right about it being very freeing. After years of having to worry about what someone else would have to eat for dinner, taking care of someone else's clothing, and worrying about whether the house was taken care of, I don't have to worry about anyone but me. My ex was high maintenence, and I am for the first time in years actually reading magazines and books again! LOL! I swear that I will never have a big house again that eats up my time. And you are right about the friends. I have some good friends who have been there for me through all of this. Friends who know that without my lover I would have gone crazy. And I would and could never go back again. We were at least lucky enough not to have had children, so once this is over I won't have to have any contact with him at all. We just had a cat and talk about your true friends! She peed all over everything that he owned, including his leather briefcase, until he told me to come and get her because he couldn't stand cleaning up cat pee anymore. I brought her here with me and she hasn't peed anywhere but her cat box since! LMAO! I guess she knew who she wanted to live with!

Hi. I just dropped in here on a lark...and wow, interesting that so many others have gone through what I'm experiencing now. LOL about the cat.

 

[psyche]

Hi. I just dropped in here on a lark...and wow, interesting that so many others have gone through what I'm experiencing now. LOL about the cat.

Sorry to hear that you are going through this also. It's really not a lot of fun so you have to find humor where you can, and yes, it is very funny about the cat! My best friend said that she was fucking frantic to get away from him! LOL! Mommy! Why did you leave me here? Come back! I just didn't want to pull her out of her familiar environment, and I thought she would be happier with him. She was his baby too. It's funny because she never purred for me, she purred and kneeded on him all the time. Now I pet her and she purrs like crazy! She's a very happy cat right now.

 

[RetroGrounder]

bumpitty bump