Divorce and Separation

[KnightWing]

Psyche, sorry to hear lady of your troubles. Wish I could help. Know that I am there for you if you need to vent. Hang in there lady.

 

[psyche]

Psyche, sorry to hear lady of your troubles. Wish I could help. Know that I am there for you if you need to vent. Hang in there lady.

Thanks, Wing.......I really can't even talk about it right now.....

 

[Richard49]

...guys never sexually neglect your wives, because they may find out that they are not happy with you, after they leave home to find sex....

I never have
but it has done me no good

 

[chewbacca71]

Ok, another session with the clueless wonder.........

We are trying to get back to being friends. She knows exactly how I feel , that I still love her and always have. She is the one that wanted to end things and is unsure of her feelings. That said, we went to the movies. The whole time we were there, she did not try to hold my hand, sit close to me, or put her arm around me. Am I just being unbelievable stubborn or should I hold out to see if she does it? To me, she knows how I feel , I am not the one with conflicted feelings so she should be the one to make the first move. Any help would be appreciated.

Chewey

 

[mbb308]

Ok, another session with the clueless wonder.........

We are trying to get back to being friends. She knows exactly how I feel , that I still love her and always have. She is the one that wanted to end things and is unsure of her feelings. That said, we went to the movies. The whole time we were there, she did not try to hold my hand, sit close to me, or put her arm around me. Am I just being unbelievable stubborn or should I hold out to see if she does it? To me, she knows how I feel , I am not the one with conflicted feelings so she should be the one to make the first move. Any help would be appreciated.

Chewey

I agree with your basic inclination. I think she should make the first move toward any PDA.

Make sure that you don't set yourself up to get hurt by having expectations of what her behavior should be. She is obviously unsure what she wants right now, and the only person you hurt by expecting her to act like she feels the way you do is you.

 

[Bandit58]

Well I've just reached the end of this thread.....so many of your stories rang bells for me. We would have been married 24 years this past July.....and he never could remember the date either though he remembered the kids' birthdays (they are now 19 and 14).

We separated April 1st (officially) but I moved out on the 21st. Things just came to a head one day......the kids were away, just me and him at home, and I came out from being online to get some lunch. He was sitting at the table.....and immediately accused me of spending more time online than with him, and the fact that we hadn't had sex in 3 weeks. Now this is the man who date-raped me once when he was drunk before we were married.....and who would pressure me into having sex by giving me the silent treatment for days if I said no, and who would be so impatient when I did give in.....it would hurt because I wasn't aroused, and I would pray for it to be over. And I opened my mouth and out it came......what I had been wanting to say for years.

He hated me listening to music, something I love, if I had music playing when he came inside I had to turn it off. I wasn't allowed to have posters on the walls....he would put me down so subtly that my self-esteem was shot to hell. "Who else is going to want you", "Is that all you got to do" (if I was online, this was the only way I could meet people I could talk to who shared my interests).

I volunteered at a school 20km away.....started out as one afternoon a week. Fine.....until I started to study for a teacher aide certificate and had to spend more time there observing and learning how to teach.....he got jealous because it was taking time away from him. I found that I enjoyed it, got me out of the house and some intelligent conversation. I began to realise that we didn't have anything in common apart from the farm and the kids. They were growing up...I couldn't face spending any more years with a man I did not love.

This has been such a huge step for me. I made excuses for not leaving...I would be alone, the kids are too young, I have nowhere to go, how would I support myself.....on and on. I got a paid part time job at that school....that maybe was the catalyst. I am on welfare to supplement it, I live in the local school house at cheap rent, admittedly I am living from hand to mouth at the moment but when the separation agreement is signed I will be getting payments from him. My son is away at university, my daughter lives with her father but I see her twice a week and she phones when she wants to. It was her choice.....she loves the farm and the animals. HE is moody and sullen.....he still doesn't see why I left a comfortable home and a business. trying to explain is like talking to a brick wall....so I gave up trying.

And the part about waiting five years before starting a new relationship.....sorry In my mind my marriage has been over for years. I met a lovely man online 3 weeks after I moved out. He has been crucial to my healing. He has his own marriage problems, so we are not together - yet. I am visiting his town (5 hours away) in 10 days. We will heal ourselves......and in time we will be a couple for real

 

[chewbacca71]

I agree with your basic inclination. I think she should make the first move toward any PDA.

Make sure that you don't set yourself up to get hurt by having expectations of what her behavior should be. She is obviously unsure what she wants right now, and the only person you hurt by expecting her to act like she feels the way you do is you.

I did not really look at it that way before. I am only hurting myself by pushing too hard.

Thank you for the kind PM, IMI.

Chewey

 

[chewbacca71]

I wish you the best of luck Bandit 58. I hope it all works out for you in the end.

Chewey

 

[mbb308]

I did not really look at it that way before. I am only hurting myself by pushing too hard.

Thank you for the kind PM, IMI.

Chewey

I think we ultimately are our own worst enemies. And expectation seems to be the worst culprit, too, at least in my experience.

 

[chewbacca71]

I think we ultimately are our own worst enemies. And expectation seems to be the worst culprit, too, at least in my experience.

I have high expectations for us to get back together, but I am hardened enough to handle it if it does not work out. At least I have faith in myself with that now. I have my fingers crossed since it seems like this may work out after all. If nothing else it will be a booty call if this does not work out.

Chewey

 

[mbb308]

I have high expectations for us to get back together, but I am hardened enough to handle it if it does not work out. At least I have faith in myself with that now. I have my fingers crossed since it seems like this may work out after all. If nothing else it will be a booty call if this does not work out.

Chewey

Just keep those fingers crossed....

 

[chewbacca71]

Ok, well as an update for those of you interested. I have spent the last two nights back at heathers place. I was here for her birthday. Got her a nice present, a fountain with wolves on it, some cards and a bottle of Asti Spumante (her favorite) . After the kids were in bed, I toasted her birthday , and she toasted "That we continue to work things out so we can be together again. " So do I take that as a postive sign?

Chewey

 

[psyche]

Ok, well as an update for those of you interested. I have spent the last two nights back at heathers place. I was here for her birthday. Got her a nice present, a fountain with wolves on it, some cards and a bottle of Asti Spumante (her favorite) . After the kids were in bed, I toasted her birthday , and she toasted "That we continue to work things out so we can be together again. " So do I take that as a postive sign?

Chewey

I would take that as a positive sign. It sounds like she is willing to work toward the goal of you being together again......I hope things are continuing in that direction.

 

[psyche]

I have not posted on this thread for quite a while. Things are going well, in some ways, but not in others. My husband has recognized that he has depression and he has been taking an antidepressant medication. Since the last time I posted the medication has started working and there has been a dramatic change in his behavior. He is a different person.....the man who used to pick and nag about insignificant things just to get us worked up and fighting no longer does that. It is still too soon for me to trust that this is a permanent change in his behavior, but it is much calmer. He would literally stand in front of a cupboard and rant and rave about something until I lashed back and then he would blame me for being overly sensitive. Our car rides together consisted of him lecturing me for something I had or hadn't done. This is not happening any more.

On the other hand he still can be very clingy and he will follow me around the house telling me he loves me, and be hurt when I don't answer and then tell me he doesn't want to put any pressure on me. It is not back yet, and I don't know if I will be able to get it back.

Sexually things have not improved at all, although he told me something the other day that he has never told me before. He said that he has always been intimidated by me sexually, and that he never felt that he was good enough......this explains a lot and it at least gives us something to work on. Even though I have told him over and over again after having sex that I enjoyed it....but as I look back he has always been needy in that way too, where I had to reassure him that it was good......

I am trying to focus on the positive. Some women would kill to have a sensitive man like he is. He is very thoughtful, very intelligent.....But right now I am sick of being the strong one in the relationship. I want someone who doesn't need to be reassured all the time. I'm tired of going for days without fucking......I might as well be alone.....I am dreaming of someone who would take care of me for a change......

My first appointment with the psychologist is this week and I am looking forward to hearing his input. I need some feedback on all of this, I don't know if this is a case of the grass is greener, but fuck.....not getting fucked is not getting fucked - it's not like I am misinterpreting that......I am sick of being sexually frustrated.

 

[kikmosa]

There can be worse things. My ex rarely wanted sex and that was fine with me. His idea of forplay was to tie me face down to the bed and beat me til I couldn't move or passed out then take a quicky. I went through 16 years of hell with no escape. And yes I called the cops. Once. They 'talked' to him and after they left he almost killed me. I tried running but he caught me and said if I tried again he would go after my family.
So, yes there are things out there a lot worse then not getting any.

 

[Arden]

My mother pulled the plug on her marraige of 29 years, when I was 27, for many of the same reasons you mentioned. I am twice divorced myself, and have been for 12 years now.

Handling aloneness is a learning process. I make the worst choices to fill the void when I want it filled the most (that's where #2 came from). I also have another issue which insures that I know loneliness such as few do.

When I got the issue in remission, I was left with me. I had to change the emphasis of my life in many areas. I deprioritized the filling of the void with another human being, and I emphasized becoming a whole me. I had operated under the false impression that I needed a woman to be whole.

Part of becoming whole was taking stock of me. I found out where I was lacking. I was a lousy friend for one - thought I was a good one, too, before. I figured out what I wanted in a friend, and then became that for the friends I had, and the new ones I've made. Today I have more and better friends than ever before.

And that's just one facet. I've also learned about what I like to do, and I spend time doing that whenever possible. I've gone into business for myself, and haven't starved. I'm a better parent to my 15 YO son than ever before. I am active in my community.

I'm still by myself. Today, I have solitude, but I am rarely lonely.

Maybe do something for yourself on that day. Or, do something charitable, that needs doing, and throw yourself into it with as much zeal as you can muster. I think you'll find that you will be just fine by focussing on what you do have as opposed to the someone you don't have right now. And, you might meet someone worthwhile while doing something unrelated, too.

Hope this helps - it helped me. I used to fear being by myself.

Everything you just said is exactly as I have done for the past 7 years post divorce. People think I'm crazy to not be out looking for a 'man'...

Personal growth, being happy with yourself, making wise decisions, working on career goals, prioritizing the most important areas of your life... going after those dreams that never materialized when married... and doing it all as if your life depended on it... you've got it!

And realizing that we don't need another person to make us feel "whole"... that's the entire deal, in a few simple words. So well put, and so very important.

I saw so many of my divorced friends get married again within 3-6 months of being divorced... because they couldn't stand being alone. None of those marriages worked either. That's a dependency issue... never a good basis for a relationship.

Anyhow, so glad to read of your own success in finding who mbb is, and being happy with that person. That's what life is all about. Relationships, and marriage are the icing on the cake... not the foundation.

I just ended a two year LDR, after realizing that it was not what I needed in my life. Loved the man, but figured out we would not ever make it as a couple in the long run.

The good thing is this... that I have my business, my home, my kids, and a huge family of friends at home and here at Lit. I don't have time to feel alone.

Hope this wasn't too scattered... it's still early.

 

[chewbacca71]

I would take that as a positive sign. It sounds like she is willing to work toward the goal of you being together again......I hope things are continuing in that direction.

Thanks hon. It seems to be working, she said to give her a few more days, but that I may want to start packing up my things at my sisters house. I am looking forward to coming back, but it will be on my own terms. I know now what my value is and I am not going to sell myself short again.

Chewey

 

[psyche]

Thanks hon. It seems to be working, she said to give her a few more days, but that I may want to start packing up my things at my sisters house. I am looking forward to coming back, but it will be on my own terms. I know now what my value is and I am not going to sell myself short again.

Chewey

That's great news Chewy! I am so happy for you.

 

[chewbacca71]

That's great news Chewy! I am so happy for you.

Thanks hon, I think she realized what she was missing, and seems like she wants us back for the right reasons. My parents are still a little sceptical, but then again, they only wants what is best for me. They still love heather , but are leary at this point.

Chewey

 

[MissTaken]

mbb



When we are stripped bare and have nothing left but our selves, naked and vulnerable, loneliness steps in.

(No, this isn't about showering or sex ! )

The question is, when you are feeling lonely, can you find some comfort with YOU? No, a pure self image isn't enough to warm your bed and share a chuckle over a milkshake, but it certainly beats the alternative lonely bugs....lonely with that false person who was you for so many years.

I realize this reads like code or hieroglyphics, it isn't meant to be.

Sometimes we have to take the days with black clouds and find solace in them.

Many hugs.....

Miss T

 

[psyche]

Thanks hon, I think she realized what she was missing, and seems like she wants us back for the right reasons. My parents are still a little sceptical, but then again, they only wants what is best for me. They still love heather , but are leary at this point.

Chewey

That's really great. Your parents just have your best interests in mind, I'm sure. Good luck to both of you!

 

[psyche]

Re: mbb

When we are stripped bare and have nothing left but our selves, naked and vulnerable, loneliness steps in.

(No, this isn't about showering or sex ! )

The question is, when you are feeling lonely, can you find some comfort with YOU? No, a pure self image isn't enough to warm your bed and share a chuckle over a milkshake, but it certainly beats the alternative lonely bugs....lonely with that false person who was you for so many years.

I realize this reads like code or hieroglyphics, it isn't meant to be.

Sometimes we have to take the days with black clouds and find solace in them.

Many hugs.....

Miss T

I am not someone who is afraid to be alone. I have never really neglected myself to focus on another person. I have a career that I love, I have always developed my own interests and followed them and I am very independent - even to the point that it may not be the best thing for a relationship. I like who I am for the most part (I'm not saying that I am perfect - I am far from it) and I know I have many faults. What I want in my relationship is to look at my husband again and feel that passion I had before to be with him and to know that I belong with him, without that I might as well be alone or free to look for someone who can inspire that love that I know I can feel for another person. Without that a marriage is nothing more than being roommates or sharing space with someone......which can be one of the worst types of lonliness......

 

[kikmosa]

Re: Re: mbb

Without that a marriage is nothing more than being roommates or sharing space with someone......which can be one of the worst types of lonliness......

It's more like being in a prison and having no parol or release.

 

[chewbacca71]

Re: Re: Re: mbb

It's more like being in a prison and having no parol or release.

That is one way to look at it. Especially in your situation as you described it, that would be the only way to perceive it.

Chewey

 

[psyche]

Re: Re: Re: mbb

It's more like being in a prison and having no parol or release.

You are perfectly right, because you are not even free to look for someone else at that point. I certainly recognize that some situations are much worse than others. Physical violence would be awful to have to endure.