❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[Angedesoleil]

Wait... Ange?
No one has ever done this to you?

Nope. Not as of yet I'm gonna hide under 600 pillows about now. Nope. This would be on my list of for the love of God please please yes things. Lol. I'm much more of a giver than a receiver. When someone has made a move to do i've stupidly pretty much preempted it by uh... giving... which inevitably turns into.... other things. so nope. Pretty sure I'll climb walls. Pretty sure. Which might be why I'm so quick to shy away and uh... give... it's so much easier to do that. So much harder to be vulnerable. I know I'm messed up. But yeah. That miiighhhhtttt be why I was so happy for you and slightly jealous as fuck of a specific last post I live vicariously.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Nope. Not as of yet I'm gonna hide under 600 pillows about now. Nope. This would be on my list of for the love of God please please yes things. Lol. I'm much more of a giver than a receiver. When someone has made a move to do i've stupidly pretty much preempted it by uh... giving... which inevitably turns into.... other things. so nope. Pretty sure I'll climb walls. Pretty sure. Which might be why I'm so quick to shy away and uh... give... it's so much easier to do that. So much harder to be vulnerable. I know I'm messed up. But yeah. That miiighhhhtttt be why I was so happy for you and slightly jealous as fuck of a specific last post I live vicariously.

I've tried to find the right words to respond to this. Part of me is angry for you, that someone never made you a priority and part of me sad BUT a HUGE part of me is excited for you - you still have new things to experience and look forward to and those things will had added significance and meaning.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#15 (Submitted)

Oral Mentality

When a PYL (Dom/Top) performs oral sex on the pyl (sub/bottom) - What is your mentality whilst doing so and how do you maintain your 'domliness/topliness'.

Conversely how the pyls think/feel when you're having something 'nice' done to you when you're the one that should be serving/submitting.


I'm REALLY low on questions and topics - PM me!!

Oh hello question I can actually answer with experience!

I know that the question doesn't specifically ask about the attitude of the pyl while giving oral but - I'm going to touch on it briefly (that's what she said). It's one of the few times in my current situation, I feel properly submissive. Even though ultimately, it feels selfish because I enjoy and get lost in it so much, it's the attitude of servitude that triggers those subby feelings for me. It's that subspace - lost in the act, lost in him - you're going to have to make me stop, if you want me to stop feeling.

As far as receiving, I agree with Fara - if he wants his mouth on me, he gets it. Also, fuck, I like it and deserve it. I have never even considered the idea of not being able to receive as sub. While I'm all about giving, I'm usually attracted to people who are also all about giving. It's a fun little standoff. And actually, the vulnerability of having someone between your legs, pinning you down and taking what he/she wants... that makes me feel pretty damn submissive too.

(off to post in oral servitude...)

 

[Apisto42]

While I don’t consider myself a Dom, the act of giving oral is very much a dominant act for me. I’m listening to hear body, which puts me in control of how she’s feeling. Getting her to the edge and making her ride that wave is a huge turn on for me. Being the one to say, “cum for me now” and pushing her over the edge is an exquisite feeling.

 

[Angedesoleil]

I've tried to find the right words to respond to this. Part of me is angry for you, that someone never made you a priority and part of me sad BUT a HUGE part of me is excited for you - you still have new things to experience and look forward to and those things will had added significance and meaning.

* hugs *
That's how I look at it too. I like that I still have parts of me that have no history written on them. I dont think I'd be pleased if I couldn't look at my SO and say " you can have this. No one has had this from me before." I dunno, it's an important part of how I love. Saying *thing* belongs to you, and no one before you.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

* hugs *
That's how I look at it too. I like that I still have parts of me that have no history written on them. I dont think I'd be pleased if I couldn't look at my SO and say " you can have this. No one has had this from me before." I dunno, it's an important part of how I love. Saying *thing* belongs to you, and no one before you.

Yes
I have things like that too. One day they may belong to someone.

 

[cookiecat]

* hugs *
That's how I look at it too. I like that I still have parts of me that have no history written on them. I dont think I'd be pleased if I couldn't look at my SO and say " you can have this. No one has had this from me before." I dunno, it's an important part of how I love. Saying *thing* belongs to you, and no one before you.

So much this!

Nothing to be embarrassed about - it's just something that you weren't ready to receive. And when the time / person is right - you will! In this day and age where most of us are cynical or jaded or have done virtually every last thing, it's sweet that you have this.

 

[midwestyankee]

So much this!

Nothing to be embarrassed about - it's just something that you weren't ready to receive. And when the time / person is right - you will! In this day and age where most of us are cynical or jaded or have done virtually every last thing, it's sweet that you have this.

This is real wisdom.

 

[cookiecat]

I was going to send PLP some questions and realized I didn't know if they'd been covered. (PLP you're an organized angel for putting this all together!!)

Just reposting the questions so far for easy reference -

#1
What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink?
How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc. Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?

#2
Experience!
How important is it in a partner? Do you prefer someone with lots of experience with different types of play, partners, etc? Or do you like "training" someone for the first time?

#3
(Submitted)
Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After

#4
How critical is your kink to your overall life satisfaction?

#5
There seems to be a spectrum from 'humiliation' to 'ego-stroking'. Do you have experience from either end of the scale? Where do you prefer your interactions/scenes/play? Is one more natural for you?

#6
Something a little lighter?
Let's talk terminology

#7
(submitted)
Physical, mental or emotional attraction.
Can BDSM be 'done' without one of those things? Should it be done without one of those things?
Can it be done with none of those? Should it be done with none of those?

#8
(submitted)

Sensory deprivation!
Thinking of sensory deprivation - what senses are MOST important to you leading up to and during sex?
There are the obvious ones. But does smell factor in, for example? Sounds? Does your kink involve a sense in an surprising way? Have you ever had one sense triggered in a new way before?


#9
Sub-drop. Dom-drop.

#10
Does affection change the way you look at your partner in a D/s relationship?
If you've entered into a primarily D/s and then affections grow, does it change the way you see your partner?

#11
Body Image (stolen)

When it comes to sex/kink how do you feel about your body? When it comes to sex/kink, does it affect how you feel (e.g. size, age, race, disability, gender, etc)
Do you feel like your body type is portrayed or portrayed accurately in porn? Does it bother you? Have you ever seen something represented in a way that made you rethink an attraction?

#12
Online & Real Life Kink
Let's talk people exploring their kink online only and those people who live a lifestyle.
How are you exploring your kink at the moment and in the past?
If you fall in only one category, how do you feel about members of the other category? (I.e. If you are living a 24/7 D/s relationship, could you imagine being online only? If you are online only, do you ever want to transition to real life?)

#13 (inspired)
If you identify as Dominant or submissive, do you feel that way all the time? Do you feel like those qualities (and tell us what qualities they are) overlap into your everyday life?

Additionally, do you feel like you have to have the other half of the dynamic to be a Dominant or submissive? (i.e. Can I be a submissive when I have no one Dominating me? or vice versa?) What are some ways you can express that until you do have the dynamic again?

#14 (submitted)
Contracts
Have you done them? What was your experience with them? Did they seem to help your relationship? How did you decide to do a contract?

(Adding) What was important for you put into your contract? What was the consequences for breaking your agreement. If you've never done one, would you ever agree to one?

#15 (Submitted)
Oral Mentality

When a PYL (Dom/Top) performs oral sex on the pyl (sub/bottom) - What is your mentality whilst doing so and how do you maintain your 'domliness/topliness'.

Conversely how the pyls think/feel when you're having something 'nice' done to you when you're the one that should be serving/submitting.


I'm REALLY low on questions and topics - PM me!!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Thanks Cookie!!!!!

 

[cookiecat]

Thanks Cookie!!!!!

I started writing them down so I'd remember, then I thought what the heck? I'll just quote 'em and post 'em. But...I forgot what I was going to PM you.

hmmm...

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#16

#16
(Submitted) Want and Needs

What do you look for in a Dom or sub? What are your must haves and red flags?
Do you feel like you need a Dom or submissive? Why or why not?

 

[AveryElle]

I just want a man that, when I ask where he wants to go for dinner, he confidently says where he wants, not "whatever you want".

That's what I need in a Dom.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I just want a man that, when I ask where he wants to go for dinner, he confidently says where he wants, not "whatever you want".

That's what I need in a Dom.

<standing ovation>

 

[Miles Long]

I just want a man that, when I ask where he wants to go for dinner, he confidently says where he wants, not "whatever you want".

That's what I need in a Dom.

<standing ovation>

This is why I'm incompatible with subs who like sushi!

 

[Mei5ter]

I just want a man that, when I ask where he wants to go for dinner, he confidently says where he wants, not "whatever you want".

That's what I need in a Dom.

Beautifully put.

And, equally, I’m not interested in a woman who thinks that being “submissive” means she never has to bother making a decision herself, ever again.

 

[Paul_Chance]

#16
(Submitted) Want and Needs

What do you look for in a Dom or sub? What are your must haves and red flags?
Do you feel like you need a Dom or submissive? Why or why not?

What do you look for in a Dom or sub?

1. Intelligence
2. Self-Awareness
3. Creativity
4. Compassion/Empathy
5. Self-Confidence
6. Willingness to Experiment and Grow Sexually

(In other words, a mature adult who has their shit together, who views relationships as an addition to their already complete self and an opportunity to grow, learn, love and find new realms of pleasure.)

What are your must haves and red flags?

LOL - for a sexual partner I joke the must have is simple - heart beat, willingness to fuck. For a relationship partner, see the above. For me, the "whole person" matters, the sum of the being.

Red Flags - drug or alcohol dependence, dysfunctional familial or friend relationships, being unreliable, and being unkind, rude, or cruel.

Do you feel like you need a Dom or submissive? Why or why not?

For me, know. Being Dom or sub is just one aspect of a person, one I enjoy, but not one I need. (The difference between my kink and another persons fetish.) The sexual delights menu has a thousand entrees - D/s is just a small set of all the wonderful sensual and sexual things on the menu. It might be my go to meal, but I am quite willing to explore the whole menu, including the truly weird things with ingredients I'd never heard of before.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I just want a man that, when I ask where he wants to go for dinner, he confidently says where he wants, not "whatever you want".

That's what I need in a Dom.

LOL - I am going to segue off this - one of the things that kills me is this conversation:

"What do you want for dinner?"
"I don't care, pick whatever you want."
"Okay, let's get Chinese."
"No, I don't want Chinese."
"How about Italian?"
"No, pasta is too heavy."
(It's at this point that I go "okay" and call and order Chinese, fuck it, you're an adult, order what you want. I think the whole conversation is the food version of topping from the bottom.)

 

[barefootgirl69]

I just want a man that, when I ask where he wants to go for dinner, he confidently says where he wants, not "whatever you want".

That's what I need in a Dom.

Beautifully put.

And, equally, I’m not interested in a woman who thinks that being “submissive” means she never has to bother making a decision herself, ever again.

LOL - I am going to segue off this - one of the things that kills me is this conversation:

"What do you want for dinner?"
"I don't care, pick whatever you want."
"Okay, let's get Chinese."
"No, I don't want Chinese."
"How about Italian?"
"No, pasta is too heavy."
(It's at this point that I go "okay" and call and order Chinese, fuck it, you're an adult, order what you want. I think the whole conversation is the food version of topping from the bottom.)

All of this.

I once had this conversation with my (former) Dom about restaurants and ordering. He thought that if he asked, "What would you like?" that his submissive should tell him. He disliked, "I'm not sure, why don't you order for me?" because it wasn't truth. She thought she was submitting. Needless to say, that didn't last.

It was a lesson for me, though, in being honest. If I want him to order, ask ahead of time. If I truly want something, say so. When my Dom asks, he wants honesty.

I don't know. I thought it was important.

Getting the tread back on track now....

 

[seela]

Nope.

 

[cookiecat]

#16
(Submitted) Want and Needs

What do you look for in a Dom or sub? What are your must haves and red flags?
Do you feel like you need a Dom or submissive? Why or why not?

I'm putting this in the context of bdsm. All the usual "must haves" like great communication, honesty, sense of humor, good teeth - those are must haves in the general sense. Like what I'd expect in any relationship.

Must haves in a Dom

1. Someone who doesn't believe my submission is a gift I bring to him. He doesn't believe it's some special treasure he needs to keep earning. I need a Dominant who thinks it's just part of who I am. Once the entire relationship is moving in the direction of trust, respect, lust, love - all that stuff a vanilla relationship requires - the D and the s part follow.

2. That being said, the D and the s part don't always happen that naturally. Submission can be difficult for a mouthy independent bitch at times. I need a Dominant willing to follow through.

3. Someone who makes our relationship a safe place for me to communicate all the dirty, lewd, shameful things I really really want. And then does them to me. Or "makes" me do them for him.

Red flags?

1. Someone who says he's dominant but is really a top.

2. Unrealistic expectations / micro-manager

3. For me, someone non-monogamous

4. Someone who isn't interested in the vanilla me

Do I need a Dom?

I have a tendency to think my opinion is the best. I have a hard time trusting. I've been in relationships with passive men and - I'm embarrassed to admit it - it creates this weird dominant me. It's awful. It builds this wall between us. Soooo - yes. I like a dominant partner in the sense he's willing to tell me I'm wrong, who challenges me, who discusses things with me - like an actual conversation instead of "yes dear." I like a Dominant partner with the capital "D" who wants to be large and in charge. Which brings out a gentler side of me, creating more intimacy.

 

[AlwaysFara]

This is why I'm incompatible with subs who like sushi!

Guess what I had tonight?

 

[Miles Long]

Guess what I had tonight?

French fry potatoes?

 

[AlwaysFara]

#16
(Submitted) Want and Needs

What do you look for in a Dom or sub? What are your must haves and red flags?
Do you feel like you need a Dom or submissive? Why or why not?

In a Dom, keeping it in BDSM, I look for him making me his. He has to want to own me, body, heart and mind.
He has to show me i can be vulnerable and safe. And me. Even as I figure it out. He has to be stern, but forgiving. Not formal.
Primal.
Rough...but he must also love my vanilla. I do.
He can’t be a Dom sexually, only. Walk the walk. Be a man. An adult.

Red flags are insisting on titles. Being part time for me. Posers. Players. Pride.

I don’t need a Dom, but I do need a strong man. Strength can mean asking for help or giving in sometimes. Admitting you’re wrong.

 

[elli1point1]

I have never looked for a Dom, but I know what I want in a partner.

Someone who makes me feel safe. Someone who will hold me accountable. Someone who is honest and keeps his word. Someone who will see where I struggle and pick me up when I fall. Someone who respects me, my time and my life. Some who is not selfish or cruel. Someone who gives me structure, guidance and a foundation. Someone who is consistent and reliable. Someone who loves all of me - my happy and my sad, my orderly and my chaos, my ugly bits and my pretty. Someone who's presence I can feel even when he's absent. Someone who thinks I'm worth it enough to make the effort. Someone who I'm not convenient for. Someone who gives me peace. Someone who makes me want to be better and positively impacts my life. Someone who feels like home.

was about to type a response to the question, but... ^^ yeah, this!

also, the food ordering thing is cracking me up, because I can totally relate. related to this: ideally, I want a Dom who knows that he has to answer the phone if it's an unknown number.