❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[4yourpleasureiam]

Agreed.
I am a woman all the time. A daughter all the time. A professional woman all the time. Heterosexual in orientation all of the time. Submissive all the time. But those various traits my not be of any particular importance in any given interaction with others and I am not any of those things to everyone all the time. I am a daughter to my mother. I am a professional woman at work and in other contexts. I am NOT submissive to most people. But that does not change who I am fundamentally, any less than the full context of my lifetime of experiences informs who I am and how I understand the world.

Are there ways in which who I am as a woman informs all of who I am in all of my life? Yes. Are there ways in which my submissive nature splashes into other ways and parts of my life? Yes. It is a thread that inevitably seems to weave its way through every part of who I am, just as how being a woman threads its way through every part of who I am.

Beautiful

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#13 (inspired)

If you identify as Dominant or submissive, do you feel that way all the time? Do you feel like those qualities (and tell us what qualities they are) overlap into your everyday life?

Additionally, do you feel like you have to have the other half of the dynamic to be a Dominant or submissive? (i.e. Can I be a submissive when I have no one Dominating me? or vice versa?) What are some ways you can express that until you do have the dynamic again?

Yikes, I forgot to answer!
I identify as a submissive and while I can point to dozens of little things I do that make me feel that way all the time, I can also point to just as many that make me a difficult sub.

My natural sub traits (to me) are that I'm thoughtful, perceptive, a people pleaser, sacrificial to a fault, an attitude of servitude, and, ya know, a certain gravitation towards pain. My non-sub traits are that I really have a hard time turning off snark and humor (which gets me in trouble often), I'm independent, sarcastic, strong willed and free spirited and when I get into a D/s situation I like to push boundaries and test my partner a fair bit which has been frustrating, I think, for them. Well... I know...

Yeah, I probably disagree with most people and say I don't feel particularly submissive unless I have someone to submit to or I have someone from my submission is required. All the other time, I'm just me which may be sprinkled with some submissive qualities but that's just different. I feel different. I hope that makes sense.

plp

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#14

#14 (submitted)

Contracts
Have you done them? What was your experience with them? Did they seem to help your relationship? How did you decide to do a contract?

(Adding) What was important for you put into your contract? What was the consequences for breaking your agreement. If you've never done one, would you ever agree to one?

 

[AlwaysFara]

#14 (submitted)

Contracts
Have you done them? What was your experience with them? Did they seem to help your relationship? How did you decide to do a contract?

(Adding) What was important for you put into your contract? What was the consequences for breaking your agreement. If you've never done one, would you ever agree to one?

No. Not something formal on heavy paper and signed with a fountain pen.
We talked. Our first conversations about this was on text and via PM. Then phone. Then adjusting in person.
We talked out our hard limits, discussed what we like, what we would like to learn more about, what we wanted from ourselves and each other in the relationship.
A big thing for me was no formal names. No Sir, no Daddy, no Master. I was nervous to bring it up, because others I had talked to online prior sometimes insisted upon it, and it was a true deal breaker for me. I just can’t. Anything I call him besides his name has happened organically.
We found we were on the same page with quite a few things. Some of our earlier limits (read: MY earlier limits!) have changed with greater intimacy.
I didn’t want any kind of humiliation at first. That’s where I just came from...where I was called a cunt in an abusive way, not in a make-me-wet way.
That’s changed.
I don’t consider what we do as a contract, rather, communication, but I guess every committed relationship is built on some sort of contact.

 

[Angedesoleil]

#14 (submitted)

Contracts
Have you done them? What was your experience with them? Did they seem to help your relationship? How did you decide to do a contract?

(Adding) What was important for you put into your contract? What was the consequences for breaking your agreement. If you've never done one, would you ever agree to one?

This is kind of a grey area... I think in a lose sense, Yes... we have a contract, but we did it in a way that suits our hearts. We each wrote out promises to the other... and we accepted adjustment and input from eachother. It's a living document, which is adjusted as needed and life dictates.
We also have my rules set down in writing. This is also a living document, and involves all forms of topics all related to health, safety, well-being, and protection of our relationship.
It helps me to hold on to what is expected and what I can rely on

 

[AlwaysFara]

Only 2 responses?

Come ON, people.

 

[Miles Long]

#14 (submitted)

Contracts
Have you done them? What was your experience with them? Did they seem to help your relationship? How did you decide to do a contract?

(Adding) What was important for you put into your contract? What was the consequences for breaking your agreement. If you've never done one, would you ever agree to one?

Haven't done one.

Anything is possible, but it's unlikely I will.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Nope. Never come up.

 

[wicked woman]

#14 (submitted)

Contracts
Have you done them? What was your experience with them? Did they seem to help your relationship? How did you decide to do a contract?

(Adding) What was important for you put into your contract? What was the consequences for breaking your agreement. If you've never done one, would you ever agree to one?

We separately filled in a BDSM checklist and then discussed it together. It gave us a starting place/stepping stones to discuss things. We found it useful as a discussion tool. It helped us see where we had common interests; where there were differences and where we had no idea but if we were interested in discovering or not. I'm sure it helped the PYL have some guidance on what I would agree to and helped me have an idea of what I could expect to submit to. He took notes of our discussion and typed them up so we could review it and comment where the discussion might not have been captured as it was intended. We both then agreed to abide by this. I don't know if it was a contract as most people would consider one, but it worked for us. Over time we would review it and see where our thoughts had changed...and they did.

There were no consequences documented for breaking the agreement. It did however, document that we recognized that we were both human and that accidents/errors happen and we trusted each other that any breaches would not be intentional. We didn't use punishment in our relationship because we knew that we were both trying to be our best. That, if say, I wasn't able to submit to something in particular, it wasn't out of disobedience or spite. There was something else at play. I was hard enough on myself if I failed. He didn't need to punish me. We would talk.

One of the important components that we discussed was a contact person and contact information to be used if something bad happened to us when we were together. Also any medical conditions we had and what, if any, medicines we were taking.

I know that I definitely found it useful. It appealed to my logical, rational mind and was a practical way to address a number of issues. It also helped reduce any expectation gap.

 

[Paul_Chance]

#14 (submitted)

Contracts
Have you done them? What was your experience with them? Did they seem to help your relationship? How did you decide to do a contract?

(Adding) What was important for you put into your contract? What was the consequences for breaking your agreement. If you've never done one, would you ever agree to one?

I've never done one and I don't know anyone who has ever done one. Maybe it's just the circles I run in, but I don't think they're very common. I think they tend to be something fiction likes, but in reality, I think they are rare. I could be entirely wrong of course.

I might agree to something as a psychological trick to get into the right space (they're basically unenforceable - LOL - and that may be the underlying reason I've never run across them in real life. Contracts are a big part of my working life, so I may not be able to pull that into my personal life, since the last thing I want to do in my personal life is work.)

 

[elli1point1]

#14 (submitted)

Contracts
Have you done them? What was your experience with them? Did they seem to help your relationship? How did you decide to do a contract?

(Adding) What was important for you put into your contract? What was the consequences for breaking your agreement. If you've never done one, would you ever agree to one?

Nope, never had a contract; can't see how an interpersonal relationship would benefit from one. Just, like, talk about things?

 

[Paul_Chance]

I think, psychologically speaking, a contract functions like an invisible collar for people who want or need it to enhance there overall experience. The like or need to be "bound" by some sort of formality.

 

[Miles Long]

A kiss is not a contract
But it's very nice
It?s very, very nice

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Nope, never had a contract; can't see how an interpersonal relationship would benefit from one. Just, like, talk about things?

Word. Or several!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I think, psychologically speaking, a contract functions like an invisible collar for people who want or need it to enhance there overall experience. The like or need to be "bound" by some sort of formality.

I think i get it.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

A kiss is not a contract
But it's very nice
It?s very, very nice

Just because you've been exploring my mouth
Doesnt mean you get an expedition further to the south

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#14 (submitted)

Contracts
Have you done them? What was your experience with them? Did they seem to help your relationship? How did you decide to do a contract?

(Adding) What was important for you put into your contract? What was the consequences for breaking your agreement. If you've never done one, would you ever agree to one?

I have.
I found it to be a stressful expectation and impossible to live up to. It was thorough and I found little wiggle room to be myself.

I don't think I want to talk a lot about this but I think I would be more into a conversation with clear boundaries and expectations if I was to ever be in that kind of relationship again.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I have.
I found it to be a stressful expectation and impossible to live up to. It was thorough and I found little wiggle room to be myself.

I don't think I want to talk a lot about this but I think I would be more into a conversation with clear boundaries and expectations if I was to ever be in that kind of relationship again.

I think your second sentence ("it was thorough and I found little wiggle room to be myself" is, for the people who want that very experience, the attraction of contracts. That stress enhances the experience for them, rather than detracting from it.

I do like the idea of an "let's explore this" checklist explained earlier. I am a huge advocate of sitting down and having "the conversation" about the parameters of the relationship. That should be an ongoing part of any relationship.

I also think that any relationship should have flexibility and negotiation in it on an ongoing basis. Life can get complex. Life can get complicated. Relationships that cannot roll with those events, impacts, and changes won't survive.

Within the context of a BDSM relationship, just as one example, the partners may want to experiment with flogging or whipping. At first it may hit all the right buttons, but as they move through the experiences, it can begin to lose the allure for one or both partners - sort of the "been there, done that, next..." effect. If one partner loves it and the other is getting bored - well, that is where the conversation comes into play that makes a relationship loving and nurturing, rather than a caricature of a BDSM relationship.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I think your second sentence ("it was thorough and I found little wiggle room to be myself" is, for the people who want that very experience, the attraction of contracts. That stress enhances the experience for them, rather than detracting from it.

I do like the idea of an "let's explore this" checklist explained earlier. I am a huge advocate of sitting down and having "the conversation" about the parameters of the relationship. That should be an ongoing part of any relationship.

I also think that any relationship should have flexibility and negotiation in it on an ongoing basis. Life can get complex. Life can get complicated. Relationships that cannot roll with those events, impacts, and changes won't survive.

Within the context of a BDSM relationship, just as one example, the partners may want to experiment with flogging or whipping. At first it may hit all the right buttons, but as they move through the experiences, it can begin to lose the allure for one or both partners - sort of the "been there, done that, next..." effect. If one partner loves it and the other is getting bored - well, that is where the conversation comes into play that makes a relationship loving and nurturing, rather than a caricature of a BDSM relationship.

I totally agree. I get the allure of a contract or something thought out and written out and official. At its core, it does speak to me. I always like to know where I stand with someone; I like to have a clear idea what my partner wants and needs from me; I like the ownership or belonging that it implies. But I also have little self-control sometimes, can be extremely stubborn and strong-willed and hate feeling like I'm disappointing anyone and that contract checked all those boxes for me.

The deeper conversation, getting in someone's head about a topic/act, is so much more appealing and often arousing to me. Learning something new, being pushed beyond my comfort zone and exploring things with someone with open communication, for me, is preferable. I think the deep and vital need for communication in this kind of relationship is one of the main things that really appeals to me, certainly not the ONLY thing but an important thing and having a contract seemed to end that communication because - hey! We've already talked about it.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#15

#15 (Submitted)

Oral Mentality

When a PYL (Dom/Top) performs oral sex on the pyl (sub/bottom) - What is your mentality whilst doing so and how do you maintain your 'domliness/topliness'.

Conversely how the pyls think/feel when you're having something 'nice' done to you when you're the one that should be serving/submitting.


I'm REALLY low on questions and topics - PM me!!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

......

 

[leather_spitfire]

#15 (Submitted)

Oral Mentality

When a PYL (Dom/Top) performs oral sex on the pyl (sub/bottom) - What is your mentality whilst doing so and how do you maintain your 'domliness/topliness'.

Conversely how the pyls think/feel when you're having something 'nice' done to you when you're the one that should be serving/submitting.


I'm REALLY low on questions and topics - PM me!!

the way i see it, from the submissive point of view, is that when someone is doing something to me it is part of a bigger picture. maybe it is to get me all worked up and in heightened state of desire. maybe it’s a teasing game, maybe it’s a tease and denial exercise?

oral sex can be used for soooo many different reasons and it is the way it is used that matters. also, maybe i was just a really good girl and i’m being rewarded.

 

[midwestyankee]

On contracts: I'm 100% in favor of doing a thorough conversation about boundaries and limits before getting too deeply into playing together in a BDSM way, but I'm very much not a contracts kind of guy. I don't feel a need to control every aspect of my partner's life - or even every aspect of our sexual life together - but I get that this appeals to some folks. On the other hand, what I have done is to establish a few ground rules for specific times together. An example might be "While we are together this time, you will only come with my permission." Another could be "While we are together this time, all clothing you wear will provide complete access to your ass and breasts at all times."

I have never felt a need to set up specific punishments for specific infractions. It's a relationship with another adult and my feeling is that punishment/reward structures establish a dynamic that simply doesn't appeal to me. If my partner is doing everything she can to keep my happy in the relationship and yet there's a hitch or a problem, I'd rather talk it over and make things better for the future.


On giving oral sex: no, this does not change or diminish my sense of dominance. I find that it gives me ample opportunity to play with my partner's orgasms and that's an important part of my pleasure in the relationship.

 

[elli1point1]

#15 (Submitted)

Oral Mentality

When a PYL (Dom/Top) performs oral sex on the pyl (sub/bottom) - What is your mentality whilst doing so and how do you maintain your 'domliness/topliness'.

Conversely how the pyls think/feel when you're having something 'nice' done to you when you're the one that should be serving/submitting.


I'm REALLY low on questions and topics - PM me!!

I don't automatically associate receiving with having power and giving with submission. Performing oral sex on someone can be quite a powerful position (but doesn't have to be). I would also strongly object to the idea that D/s is all about the sub serving & pleasuring the Dom without getting anything back. I would not want to be involved with a Dom who refuses to perform oral sex on me.

 

[AlwaysFara]

#15 (Submitted)

Oral Mentality

When a PYL (Dom/Top) performs oral sex on the pyl (sub/bottom) - What is your mentality whilst doing so and how do you maintain your 'domliness/topliness'.

Conversely how the pyls think/feel when you're having something 'nice' done to you when you're the one that should be serving/submitting.


I'm REALLY low on questions and topics - PM me!!

I’ve seen subs say this. Or infer it. That they don’t feel worthy of Doms giving to them.
I think many of them are not seeing the picture. Of what the Dom gets out of it.
He’s not servicing you. He’s claiming you. He’s not submitting to you, he’s making you more his own. By loving you hard, he gains more and more of you.
I see it as the opposite.