❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[AlwaysFara]

#16
(Submitted) Want and Needs

What do you look for in a Dom or sub? What are your must haves and red flags?
Do you feel like you need a Dom or submissive? Why or why not?

In a Dom, keeping it in BDSM, I look for him making me his. He has to want to own me, body, heart and mind.
He has to show me i can be vulnerable and safe. And me. Even as I figure it out. He has to be stern, but forgiving. Not formal.
Primal.
Rough...but he must also love my vanilla. I do.
He can’t be a Dom sexually, only. Walk the walk. Be a man. An adult.

Red flags are insisting on titles. Being part time for me. Posers. Players. Pride.

I don’t need a Dom, but I do need a strong man. Strength can mean asking for help or giving in sometimes. Admitting you’re wrong.

 

[elli1point1]

I have never looked for a Dom, but I know what I want in a partner.

Someone who makes me feel safe. Someone who will hold me accountable. Someone who is honest and keeps his word. Someone who will see where I struggle and pick me up when I fall. Someone who respects me, my time and my life. Some who is not selfish or cruel. Someone who gives me structure, guidance and a foundation. Someone who is consistent and reliable. Someone who loves all of me - my happy and my sad, my orderly and my chaos, my ugly bits and my pretty. Someone who's presence I can feel even when he's absent. Someone who thinks I'm worth it enough to make the effort. Someone who I'm not convenient for. Someone who gives me peace. Someone who makes me want to be better and positively impacts my life. Someone who feels like home.

was about to type a response to the question, but... ^^ yeah, this!

also, the food ordering thing is cracking me up, because I can totally relate. related to this: ideally, I want a Dom who knows that he has to answer the phone if it's an unknown number.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

French fry potatoes?

If you aren't going to answer the questions... shoo!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#16
(Submitted) Want and Needs

What do you look for in a Dom or sub? What are your must haves and red flags?
Do you feel like you need a Dom or submissive? Why or why not?

So, I was considering not answering this question. I feel like I have such shallow experience that I don't even know what I'm really talking about half the time. Then to describe what I want in a Dom - it seems like it would be hard not to just describe someone specifically but just putting myself in the center of the question for a moment I'm going to take a swing at it.

Rephrasing the original question a bit - Do I feel like I need a Dom and if so what are my must haves?

Need? I have no idea. I feel a definite hole where one should be. I find everything slightly unsatisfying without one. I've been ok and I can continue to be ok. I can consent to mediocre. But need? I honestly don't know. Maybe...

Must haves - well I certainly don't have a checklist and I've never gone looking for a Dom or interviewed for the position but things that I really want in a partner particularly a Dominant one -
*Safety - I need to know that whatever we do or say to each other that my body and feelings (particularly my feelings) are safe with you. That you will make time to talk when I need to talk or push me to talk when I don't know how to say what I need to say. I need to know that you'll be careful with me. I'm kind of a silly, stubborn girl with a lot of walls and I just want someone who careful with what he/she finds there.
*Consistency - I want someone who won't pull back or be scared to "hurt me" after things have progressed. I'm also very sensitive to changes in a partner and tend to overthink them so stay consistent or let me know why the change.
*Communication - I could talk about this all day but yes, please communicate. I need to know what you're thinking and feeling and I want you to be curious about that with me. Curiosity fits here too. If you don't ask, I assume you don't care. Along with the good stuff, I want to know the bad stuff as well so I can explain or adjust.

There's a lot more but I'm already rambling.
Red flags - passive aggression (If you're jealous just say you're jealous, etc), unrealistic expectations (this is a killer) and lack of communication.

 

[AlwaysFara]

So, I was considering not answering this question. I feel like I have such shallow experience that I don't even know what I'm really talking about half the time. Then to describe what I want in a Dom - it seems like it would be hard not to just describe someone specifically but just putting myself in the center of the question for a moment I'm going to take a swing at it.

Rephrasing the original question a bit - Do I feel like I need a Dom and if so what are my must haves?

Need? I have no idea. I feel a definite hole where one should be. I find everything slightly unsatisfying without one. I've been ok and I can continue to be ok. I can consent to mediocre. But need? I honestly don't know. Maybe...

Must haves - well I certainly don't have a checklist and I've never gone looking for a Dom or interviewed for the position but things that I really want in a partner particularly a Dominant one -
*Safety - I need to know that whatever we do or say to each other that my body and feelings (particularly my feelings) are safe with you. That you will make time to talk when I need to talk or push me to talk when I don't know how to say what I need to say. I need to know that you'll be careful with me. I'm kind of a silly, stubborn girl with a lot of walls and I just want someone who careful with what he/she finds there.
*Consistency - I want someone who won't pull back or be scared to "hurt me" after things have progressed. I'm also very sensitive to changes in a partner and tend to overthink them so stay consistent or let me know why the change.
*Communication - I could talk about this all day but yes, please communicate. I need to know what you're thinking and feeling and I want you to be curious about that with me. Curiosity fits here too. If you don't ask, I assume you don't care. Along with the good stuff, I want to know the bad stuff as well so I can explain or adjust.

There's a lot more but I'm already rambling.
Red flags - passive aggression (If you're jealous just say you're jealous, etc), unrealistic expectations (this is a killer) and lack of communication.

Your #2.
I had a guy I was talking to once and once he fell for me, the Dom stuff stopped. Nope.

 

[Ed27R]

#16
(Submitted) Want and Needs

What do you look for in a Dom or sub? What are your must haves and red flags?
Do you feel like you need a Dom or submissive? Why or why not?

There have already been so many good answers already and my thoughts feel more the same than anything particularly new. The things I look for in a sub have always been the same. Intelligence, confidence, and humility. I have had the good fortunate of sharing albeit brief journeys with a few submissive women who fit in that mold.

 

[Paul_Chance]

So, I was considering not answering this question. I feel like I have such shallow experience that I don't even know what I'm really talking about half the time. Then to describe what I want in a Dom - it seems like it would be hard not to just describe someone specifically but just putting myself in the center of the question for a moment I'm going to take a swing at it.

Rephrasing the original question a bit - Do I feel like I need a Dom and if so what are my must haves?

Need? I have no idea. I feel a definite hole where one should be. I find everything slightly unsatisfying without one. I've been ok and I can continue to be ok. I can consent to mediocre. But need? I honestly don't know. Maybe...

Must haves - well I certainly don't have a checklist and I've never gone looking for a Dom or interviewed for the position but things that I really want in a partner particularly a Dominant one -
*Safety - I need to know that whatever we do or say to each other that my body and feelings (particularly my feelings) are safe with you. That you will make time to talk when I need to talk or push me to talk when I don't know how to say what I need to say. I need to know that you'll be careful with me. I'm kind of a silly, stubborn girl with a lot of walls and I just want someone who careful with what he/she finds there.
*Consistency - I want someone who won't pull back or be scared to "hurt me" after things have progressed. I'm also very sensitive to changes in a partner and tend to overthink them so stay consistent or let me know why the change.
*Communication - I could talk about this all day but yes, please communicate. I need to know what you're thinking and feeling and I want you to be curious about that with me. Curiosity fits here too. If you don't ask, I assume you don't care. Along with the good stuff, I want to know the bad stuff as well so I can explain or adjust.

There's a lot more but I'm already rambling.
Red flags - passive aggression (If you're jealous just say you're jealous, etc), unrealistic expectations (this is a killer) and lack of communication.

Maybe we could set up some panel interviews.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Maybe we could set up some panel interviews.

Haha I'd be curious how that would look!

 

[Paul_Chance]

Haha I'd be curious how that would look!

Imagine four or five people, asking different questions, maybe staging some roleplay type scenarios to evaluate the quality of a potential partner. LOL - in my mind I see the panel staffed by:

-A sports trainer, to evaluate fitness level
-A poet, to evaluate imagination and creativity
-Your best friend, to ask the questions she or he knows you won't ask
-A subject matter expert in BDSM to evaluate technical skills
-A psychologist to ask really weird but pertinent questions

It would certainly be entertaining!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Imagine four or five people, asking different questions, maybe staging some roleplay type scenarios to evaluate the quality of a potential partner. LOL - in my mind I see the panel staffed by:

-A sports trainer, to evaluate fitness level
-A poet, to evaluate imagination and creativity
-Your best friend, to ask the questions she or he knows you won't ask
-A subject matter expert in BDSM to evaluate technical skills
-A psychologist to ask really weird but pertinent questions

It would certainly be entertaining!

Yes! Now we have to figure out how to make this happen.
Dark room. Bright lights. Maybe a skills checklist?

 

[barefootgirl69]

#16
(Submitted) Want and Needs

What do you look for in a Dom?

I have spent a little time thinking about this. All of my Doms have been different in occupations, lifestyles, etc - so what was the main thing that each had consistently.

• Confidence, but not arrogance.
• Compassion towards others
• Skilled in their chosen field

I don't think of these as things I LOOK for, because the relationships I've had just sort of happen after getting to know someone.

What are your must haves and red flags?

Red flags... someone who disregards my time or feelings about something. Someone who plays with my emotions or laughs at something I've shared when I'm hurting already.

Must haves ... time for me. I need to be in his life somehow, not just his secret. Compassion, consistency, openness. I need to know what to expect in his daily schedule (when we will talk or why we won't). I need to share my life with him when we talk - even the boring day to day things.

Do you feel like you need a Dom? Why or why not?

Need is such a big word, but ultimately, yes. I want it. I deserve it becauseI deserve to be happy. I have been in relationships without that dynamic, and there was something lacking.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Come on, guys. Or Dommes.
Weigh in!

 

[Paul_Chance]

Yes! Now we have to figure out how to make this happen.
Dark room. Bright lights. Maybe a skills checklist?

I think we should do it like a senate hearing. The interviewee sitting along at a table in front of a raised dais where the panel sits. Some bright lights would be a good touch. LOL - either that or like a classic movie interrogation room. Steel furniture. Panel behind a mirrored window (just vague shapes) and asking questions over a scratchy loudspeaker.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I think we should do it like a senate hearing. The interviewee sitting along at a table in front of a raised dais where the panel sits. Some bright lights would be a good touch. LOL - either that or like a classic movie interrogation room. Steel furniture. Panel behind a mirrored window (just vague shapes) and asking questions over a scratchy loudspeaker.

Oh gosh, the Senate hearing idea gave me actually chills. Yikes!! That would scare me.

 

[Paul_Chance]

What do you look for in a Dom?

I have spent a little time thinking about this. All of my Doms have been different in occupations, lifestyles, etc - so what was the main thing that each had consistently.

• Confidence, but not arrogance.
• Compassion towards others
• Skilled in their chosen field

I don't think of these as things I LOOK for, because the relationships I've had just sort of happen after getting to know someone.

What are your must haves and red flags?

Red flags... someone who disregards my time or feelings about something. Someone who plays with my emotions or laughs at something I've shared when I'm hurting already.

Must haves ... time for me. I need to be in his life somehow, not just his secret. Compassion, consistency, openness. I need to know what to expect in his daily schedule (when we will talk or why we won't). I need to share my life with him when we talk - even the boring day to day things.

Do you feel like you need a Dom? Why or why not?

Need is such a big word, but ultimately, yes. I want it. I deserve it becauseI deserve to be happy. I have been in relationships without that dynamic, and there was something lacking.

I think there is a good point in here that I thought I would comment on.

Skilled in their chosen field

When you're considering that relationship with a Dom, it is one thing I have noticed from being involved in the BDSM community off and on for years. When we think of a dominate personality, I think this is a good acid test for identifying a person who is actually a dominate personality, as opposed to someone who plays the role on line (nothing wrong with that, but an understanding of it might save a sub some heartbreak).

From everything I've seen over the years, successful Dom's (by which I mean those who are able to create and maintain a successful relationship with a sub), are in general successful in other aspects of their life - both by their own definition of success and by societal definitions of success.

Throw a red flag when you encounter a Dom who is "trapped in a miserable job" or "complains that life is unfair" or "blames other people for their failings" or "is stuck in an unsuccessful relationship". They might be great at role-playing a Dom online, but they're struggling in the real world, and if you cross over from online to IRL you're going to run right into those struggles. (That may be a good thing if you have "white knight" syndrome and are looking for a relationship where you struggle together, but not a good thing if you're looking for someone secure and confident.) I think the reverse holds true for subs as well - from what I've seen - successful subs are confident in their role as subs, IRL.

It doesn't mean they have to be a high powered this or that - it simply means that they should be good at what they do, enjoy what they do, and understand that life is what they make of it. You can be a successful struggling artist, if that is what they've chosen to be, or you can be a successful business person, if that is their chosen path. Just from what I have seen though, most IRL successful D/s relationships involve people who are well aware of and consistently exercise their own agency.

 

[cascadiabound]

#16
(Submitted) Want and Needs

What do you look for in a Dom or sub? What are your must haves and red flags?
Do you feel like you need a Dom or submissive? Why or why not?

First and foremost he needs to be a friend and a partner to me.
Loves me for being me - wants the best for me and wants me to be my best.
Believes in me, "sees" me
Is able to forgive me when I make mistakes.
Trusts that I am trying even when I fall short.
Will hear me out when I disagree or when I have a concern or worry.
Is able to communicate his thoughts, feelings, will share his life with me and will tell me when things change.
Makes me a priority.
Is able to be my safe harbor, chief comforter, and anchor.
Believes and respects my limits, history, fears, anxieties.
Is able to keep his ego in check when making decisions for us.
Is able to handle tough discussions calmly and with care.
Understands that trust is earned every day in the small things.
Holds me accountable, while understanding that some days submission is hard.
Will use D/s and power exchange to help me grow in ways that work for me.
Will show up to support, guide, or discipline me as needed, even when it’s hard.
Will give me boundaries and help keep me safe.
Sets goals for me that are achievable, considers his impact on me and is patient with me.
Protects my heart, builds me up and trusts me.
Encourages me to say ‘no’ when I need to.
Does his best to make the best decisions.
Is loyal, speaks kindly of and to me and advocates for what is best for me.
Cares about my pleasure.
Is clear about what he expects from me.
Is open and honest with me and keeps his promises and commitments.

Red flags: these have been covered well by others.

I like what Paul had to say about competency in one's chosen work. I have found this to be true.

Do I *need* a Dom? Well... I am a submissive. That is my nature. And by that nature I have a need to submit. Being in relationship with someone who is a Dom is the simplest, but not only way, to meet that need.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I think there is a good point in here that I thought I would comment on.

Skilled in their chosen field

*snip*

It doesn't mean they have to be a high powered this or that - it simply means that they should be good at what they do, enjoy what they do, and understand that life is what they make of it. You can be a successful struggling artist, if that is what they've chosen to be, or you can be a successful business person, if that is their chosen path. Just from what I have seen though, most IRL successful D/s relationships involve people who are well aware of and consistently exercise their own agency.

I'm glad you mentioned this! Here's the reason I put that down in my post in those terms:

It's been my experience, since coming to Lit, that many times we equate being a Dom with business suits and "being the boss" -- just look at the BDSM pics we post! This isn't even vaguely true! He can be a mechanic, photographer, teacher, lawyer, accountant, manager, soldier, police officer, IT Technician, contractor, salesman, nurse -- just to name some of the occupations from people I know. What they all have in common is they are competent and happy.

This may not be true for everyone, but this has been my experience.

 

[Mei5ter]

All of this. Maybe one day.

But day-to-day things aren’t boring. Not when shared with the right person.

Personally, I thrive on being needed. It’s rewarding and fulfilling being able to support her, and encourages me to be the best I can be also. But I don’t have a checklist of Things My Submissive Partner Must Have. There are lots of ways of expressing that dynamic in a relationship and it completely depends on the individual.

 

[cascadiabound]

A quote a came across recently that seems in line with this discussion and feels like a truism to me:


If you don’t have a good work ethic, you probably won’t do well in D/s.

 

[Paul_Chance]

A quote a came across recently that seems in line with this discussion and feels like a truism to me:


If you don’t have a good work ethic, you probably won’t do well in D/s.

I think there is a lot of truth in this as well. It's like anything - yes, natural inclinations and ability will get you far in some things - but to truly master it (whether it's mastering being a sub or a dom), there is a lot of work that needs to go into it. A lot of paying attention, a lot of refining technique.

I most often equate it to playing guitar. A natural sense of rhythm and a natural sense of tone are great to start with, but you will reach a plateau fairly quickly. There is no substitute for practice and learning and then more practice. In guitar, there are people who are referred to as "heart" players.

That is, they are capable of playing from the heart, they can hear a song and repeat it, they can join a jam session seamless. But every single one I knew who was a heart player was first and foremost technically a master, whether formally or informally learned, they knew both the technique of the guitar and the very form and structure to such a level it looked natural, but was really the result of years of hard practice.

Sex and love and relationships are essentially duets and that takes a lot of practice to get good at. (That's why many very good guitarists are essentially soloists and most bands have one lead guitar or alternating lead guitars, very rarely do you see them play a dual lead. It's hard. Just like a relationship.)

 

[AlpineFresco]

But day-to-day things aren’t boring. Not when shared with the right person.
[snip]

Preach.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#17

#17

What part of BDSM do you think gets too much attention/discussion? What aspect doesn't get enough?

What are some kinks you feel like you should know more about at this point in you kinky life? Is there an area where you have a lot of head knowledge but want more practical experience?

 

[barefootgirl69]

#17

What part of BDSM do you think gets too much attention/discussion? What aspect doesn't get enough?

What are some kinks you feel like you should know more about at this point in you kinky life? Is there an area where you have a lot of head knowledge but want more practical experience?

Is there an area where you have a lot of head knowledge but want more practical experience?

Wax play. I've talked to many people about this, have seen it during a demonstration in my local BDSM group...but, it's time to get that experience!

 

[LizVegas79]

#17

What part of BDSM do you think gets too much attention/discussion? What aspect doesn't get enough?

What are some kinks you feel like you should know more about at this point in you kinky life? Is there an area where you have a lot of head knowledge but want more practical experience?

For the first question I'd say guys in the dominant role.
For the second question I'd say pain. Like when is it too much and no longer fun?

For the third question I agree with BFG - wax play. It's something I haven't experienced very much but I've seen quite a few gif's and videos that feature it and with the right partner(s) I might like to try it, both receiving it and giving it.

 

[barefootgirl69]

For the first question I'd say guys in the dominant role.
For the second question I'd say pain. Like when is it too much and no longer fun?

For the third question I agree with BFG - wax play. It's something I haven't experienced very much but I've seen quite a few gif's and videos that feature it and with the right partner(s) I might like to try it, both receiving it and giving it.

We need to go to a Vegas group together!