❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[barefootgirl69]

I think that labels get too much attention. It often feels like people are trying to fit themselves into a mold and check all the boxes off, even if it doesn't all apply or appeal to them. I think they do have a useful and informational purpose that's often over looked, especially for someone who is not familiar or just beginning to learn about BDSM (me!).

I think when someone is searching or trying to define themselves, labels help them. I know it did for me. I also think that they become less of a necessity the longer you know who and what you are, unless you're meeting new people. They are great "descriptors".

 

[Paul_Chance]

#17

What part of BDSM do you think gets too much attention/discussion? What aspect doesn't get enough?

What are some kinks you feel like you should know more about at this point in you kinky life? Is there an area where you have a lot of head knowledge but want more practical experience?

I had to think about this one for a while. I think, in terms of public perception and the media, I think D/s is way over exposed lately and it tends to be very stereotypical "Hollywood D/s". There are a whole wonderful array of kinks and fetishes contained within BDSM, many of them very subtle. What you see in the media tend to be very overt and very...clumsy. I think a lot of the subtlety and sensuality get lost because of it.

As for more practical experience - LOL - the answer to that is almost always yes. I like to explore.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I had to think about this one for a while. I think, in terms of public perception and the media, I think D/s is way over exposed lately and it tends to be very stereotypical "Hollywood D/s". There are a whole wonderful array of kinks and fetishes contained within BDSM, many of them very subtle. What you see in the media tend to be very overt and very...clumsy. I think a lot of the subtlety and sensuality get lost because of it.

As for more practical experience - LOL - the answer to that is almost always yes. I like to explore.

This is something I've been struggling with as far as questions. I'd like to explore other areas but having limited experience, I need help.

Questions or even suggestions of ideas for questions are so appreciated!!!

 

[Paul_Chance]

This is something I've been struggling with as far as questions. I'd like to explore other areas but having limited experience, I need help.

Questions or even suggestions of ideas for questions are so appreciated!!!

I think there is a tremendous amount of subtlety and variation wrapped up in BDSM and I think it tends to get lost online or in the media and from there flows into the community itself. The real sexual power lies in that subtlety and variation. Like the difference between a social dancer and a professional dancer. The first is a lot of fun, but the second can be freaking awe inspiring and beautiful. Life should be lived within a constant sense of awe.

 

[AlwaysFara]

#17

What part of BDSM do you think gets too much attention/discussion? What aspect doesn't get enough?

What are some kinks you feel like you should know more about at this point in you kinky life? Is there an area where you have a lot of head knowledge but want more practical experience?

Too much?
Dominants. Tasking. The Position.

Doesn’t get enough? The love of pain. I’m not a masochist. I don’t need pain, but I sure as hell want it. Yes. It hurts. Why is the pain important to me? Why does it help me let go?
I don’t have a remarkable childhood, my parents never hit me. Why do I love pain?

I feel I should know more about restraints. Why is one better than the other? I have leather cuffs. I’m happy with them. No one really talks about being tied up anymore. At least not here.

 

[cascadiabound]

#17

What part of BDSM do you think gets too much attention/discussion? What aspect doesn't get enough?

What are some kinks you feel like you should know more about at this point in you kinky life? Is there an area where you have a lot of head knowledge but want more practical experience?

I think the theater of it gets too much attention. The beautiful porn pictures that admittedly, i enjoy, of thin women and handsome men perfectly dressed and undressed perfectly staged and lit. This is the still life view of the hollywood 50 shades BDSM that we all decry. I think that the fact that at root it is still a RELATIONSHIP gets lost. That there are still kids to pick up, laundry to do and the car still needs gas after work and who does what still needs to be negotiated and a lot of that stuff is not sexy fun time, even if you are in a full spectrum power exchange relationship.

I think that the labels and definitions and categories sometimes get too much attention and sometimes we lose the forest for the trees. I agree that it can be helpful to have some terms and labels to begin to explain things or understand yourself esp as people are beginning to explore their D/s nature, but they are sign posts not destinations. In my experience most people are more complicated than any one label and there is a big continuum of where people fall in this stuff AND that can change over time and with who your partner is.

I think that the idea that submissives are weak and malleable gets too much attention (and is not a truism at all) and the idea that Dominants are powerful and domineering is similarly not necessarily accurate.

Practical experience: I know a bunch about wax play, but have no practical experience. I would like to have more experience with a wider variety of pain play. (floggers, paddles etc)

Fara - are we not talking about bondage enough in the shibari thread???

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

So a lot of you mentioned wax play!
Can someone talk to me about why that's so enticing? And what's holding you back from taking the leap?

 

[Paul_Chance]

So a lot of you mentioned wax play!
Can someone talk to me about why that's so enticing? And what's holding you back from taking the leap?

Wax play is about the delicacy of pain.

Each drop hitting the skin is a sudden sharp sting shooting through your body. It last for a few seconds, then fades, to be repeated again and again and again. The sting awakens your sense of touch - every sensation becomes sharper and more distinct. A long thread of wax drawn in the skin is a lash of pain that burns into you, then fades.

Done right it’s very intimate, very slow, and very visual, engaging multiple senses at once - the sting, the hot and the cool, the scent of the candle, the small sounds, the body trembling or twitching.

 

[AveryElle]

Problem with wax play is the clean up. Anyone has any tips? I felt very bad for the hotel staff after my last time playing with it.

 

[Apisto42]

For getting it out of fabric, put it between two sheets of parchment paper and iron it. Red wax will leave a stain though sometimes. Works on carpet as well.

Paint scrapper for hard surfaces. Some wax will remove wood finishes. Will also stain grout.

 

[Paul_Chance]

If you're doing wax play, I heartily recommend you buy/bring something that you can throw away. I find the cheap micro-fleece throws work well, or a simple top sheet or beach towel. (That holds true for any play that gets particularly messy.) A plastic drop sheet works too, and also opens up a whole variety of messy things (paint play, oil play, etc.).

LOL - it's just me maybe, but I prefer not to ruin the good sheets. That gets expensive pretty fast.

 

[barefootgirl69]

If you're doing wax play, I heartily recommend you buy/bring something that you can throw away. I find the cheap micro-fleece throws work well, or a simple top sheet or beach towel. (That holds true for any play that gets particularly messy.) A plastic drop sheet works too, and also opens up a whole variety of messy things (paint play, oil play, etc.).

LOL - it's just me maybe, but I prefer not to ruin the good sheets. That gets expensive pretty fast.

Paint play!

*adds to my list of things to play with*

ETA: now I'm imagining fingers or hands all over me!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Paint play!

*adds to my list of things to play with*

ETA: now I'm imagining fingers or hands all over me!

I have friends that are very into paint/clay play. The messier the better. It sounds hot!!

 

[AveryElle]

If you're doing wax play, I heartily recommend you buy/bring something that you can throw away. I find the cheap micro-fleece throws work well, or a simple top sheet or beach towel. (That holds true for any play that gets particularly messy.) A plastic drop sheet works too, and also opens up a whole variety of messy things (paint play, oil play, etc.).

LOL - it's just me maybe, but I prefer not to ruin the good sheets. That gets expensive pretty fast.

Well, they're also not my sheets, you know?

we tried to use a towel and then empty it into the trash, but it was still weird.

We used white candles. Not that low temp crap. So maybe I am just to retentive to really enjoy it elsewhere!

 

[Dreamliner]

#17

What part of BDSM do you think gets too much attention/discussion? What aspect doesn't get enough?

What are some kinks you feel like you should know more about at this point in you kinky life? Is there an area where you have a lot of head knowledge but want more practical experience?

Hi PLP, I follow this thread with interest and enjoy the discussion that flows. It is time I add to the discussion as I see it.

I find people seem to want to label a person, and then that is it. In the D/s dynamic, I consider it can flow across the paradigm, but anchored to the D/s relationship. There is no airbrushing, no filtered cameras or touched up video, just two people who have confidence and trust in each other.

Kinks I enjoy exploring with a partner, what turns us both on, where might the boundaries be. This requires as mentioned above, confidence and trust in each other. The D/s dynamic may not necessarily be 24/7, but it is a dynamic that feeds the need of each and binds their relationship, it is about respect for each other whilst also enjoying time together stoking our desires, our needs, our wants that provide us with satisfaction.

Wax play I love it, do not fear it, I use towels, they are useful for many things when in play. I find it helps to raise the desire, the sexual tension before starting with the wax play, it seems to have a far greater impact, when the molten wax sears itself against hot skin alive with need.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Finger paint soaps are great for couples bathing/showering too (not *just* for the kids, but maybe get your own set rather than steal you kids toys for kink?)

You're right! I don't want to have to explain why all the bath toys are suddenly missing.

Honestly, though, I was picturing water-based paints on plastic sheeting. I THOUGHT that was what paint play was. Picasso in the pillows, you know? I'm going to do a little research.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I think the theater of it gets too much attention. The beautiful porn pictures that admittedly, i enjoy, of thin women and handsome men perfectly dressed and undressed perfectly staged and lit. This is the still life view of the hollywood 50 shades BDSM that we all decry. I think that the fact that at root it is still a RELATIONSHIP gets lost. That there are still kids to pick up, laundry to do and the car still needs gas after work and who does what still needs to be negotiated and a lot of that stuff is not sexy fun time, even if you are in a full spectrum power exchange relationship.

I think that the labels and definitions and categories sometimes get too much attention and sometimes we lose the forest for the trees. I agree that it can be helpful to have some terms and labels to begin to explain things or understand yourself esp as people are beginning to explore their D/s nature, but they are sign posts not destinations. In my experience most people are more complicated than any one label and there is a big continuum of where people fall in this stuff AND that can change over time and with who your partner is.

I think that the idea that submissives are weak and malleable gets too much attention (and is not a truism at all) and the idea that Dominants are powerful and domineering is similarly not necessarily accurate.

Practical experience: I know a bunch about wax play, but have no practical experience. I would like to have more experience with a wider variety of pain play. (floggers, paddles etc)

Fara - are we not talking about bondage enough in the shibari thread???

Awww, I’ve never used rope, and I strayed from that thread when you were Gone Fishin’!

 

[cookiecat]

#17

What part of BDSM do you think gets too much attention/discussion? What aspect doesn't get enough?

What are some kinks you feel like you should know more about at this point in you kinky life? Is there an area where you have a lot of head knowledge but want more practical experience?

Too much attention? I'd say take a look at any of the picture threads - as hot as they are, they're pretty much the same over and over. Caucasian, able bodied, male D, female s. Generally women with long hair, high heels, men with big cocks.

What aspect doesn't get enough? Sustaining D/s in the day to day. If you want more than kink in the bedroom, how do you integrate it in to the day to day? Actually making the leap from what's in your head to real life (whether it's online or face to face). How to verbalize, ask for, negotiate what we want without feeling super weird. Male submission. Switching.

What should I know more about? Anal. Chastity. Urethral play. (don't judge) Breath play.

Answering the wax play mess question - we always played using a cheap shower curtain liner. Easy to clean up.

 

[Jenaus]

I am usually irritated by BDSM'ers in mainstream media. For obvious reasons, media always select complete weirdo's to "advocate" BDSM; and then the interviewers always focus on actions, never on feelings. BDSM isn't about whips, bondage, or forcing your dick in someone's mouth; they're just symptoms. The real story is about control, dependance, desire to please, obedience, uncertainty, vulnerability, and words like that. THAT part of the story (and it is the beautiful part!) is only told in "specialist" fora and blogs, and even there, it tends to get overwhelmed by practicalities. For outsiders, it paints a pictures of "those idiots with their whips", and it is a certain way to discourage the curious ones to pursue any exploration of the subject.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#18

#18

Pain (submitted)

Pain. There is "good pain" and "bad pain" all along a spectrum, with the ideal state being the Goldilocks point. If you were to rank your pain preference from 0 (hurt me and I'll stab you in your sleep) to 10 (it doesn't count unless it leaves deep bruises or draws blood) where would you say your Goldilocks point is - either receiving or inflicting?
(added)
Is there a preferred type of pain? Do you want to push your "pain threshold" in some way or have you found that sweet spot?

Thanks to the folks who have submitted questions!!
Keep them coming and on a variety of subjects.

 

[Ins_spacetime87]

#18

Pain (submitted)

Pain. There is "good pain" and "bad pain" all along a spectrum, with the ideal state being the Goldilocks point. If you were to rank your pain preference from 0 (hurt me and I'll stab you in your sleep) to 10 (it doesn't count unless it leaves deep bruises or draws blood) where would you say your Goldilocks point is - either receiving or inflicting?
(added)
Is there a preferred type of pain? Do you want to push your "pain threshold" in some way or have you found that sweet spot?

Thanks to the folks who have submitted questions!!
Keep them coming and on a variety of subjects.

Interesting question! I think I may br a vanilla 4... the best pain expirience in my book is nails in my back... they do not need to draw blood, but I certainly do not mind seeing marks on my back tge next day... concidder them proof of a job well done

Love
-
St

 

[Apisto42]

#18

Pain (submitted)

Pain. There is "good pain" and "bad pain" all along a spectrum, with the ideal state being the Goldilocks point. If you were to rank your pain preference from 0 (hurt me and I'll stab you in your sleep) to 10 (it doesn't count unless it leaves deep bruises or draws blood) where would you say your Goldilocks point is - either receiving or inflicting?
(added)
Is there a preferred type of pain? Do you want to push your "pain threshold" in some way or have you found that sweet spot?

Thanks to the folks who have submitted questions!!
Keep them coming and on a variety of subjects.

Like a lot of things I have varying thresholds on both giving and receiving depending on who I’m with and what’s going on. Really turned on? You could draw blood from my nipples and I’d say “bite harder.” Permanent marks are probably my limit, though I have a few faint scars from long ago.

For giving, hm. I like to gradually move it up and find the point where she says yes. And then maybe a little more. To me, when giving, it’s about her. I don’t necessarily derive pleasure from giving pain, but it’s exciting to see/feel/hear her enjoying it. So the limit is where she sets it and if she wants to push it, then sure. Communication, trust, boundaries and knowing that everyone involved wants this and knows (and will) say “more” or “less”.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#18

Pain (submitted)

Pain. There is "good pain" and "bad pain" all along a spectrum, with the ideal state being the Goldilocks point. If you were to rank your pain preference from 0 (hurt me and I'll stab you in your sleep) to 10 (it doesn't count unless it leaves deep bruises or draws blood) where would you say your Goldilocks point is - either receiving or inflicting?
(added)
Is there a preferred type of pain? Do you want to push your "pain threshold" in some way or have you found that sweet spot?

Thanks to the folks who have submitted questions!!
Keep them coming and on a variety of subjects.

I would depending on the type of pain - I range between a 6-8.
I think the intention of the pain matters a lot for me (and this will probably be a question later) but, as an example, spanking - I like, I like the sting, the heat, the pain but if it's not being done as a way of giving pleasure to someone else, it wouldn't appeal to me. So, if my man spanked my ass, purely because I wanted it and every time he did it, he flinched. I wouldn't enjoy that at all. But if he audibly and physically enjoys it then it's extremely pleasurable. (I'm not explaining this well.) As far as giving pain, there are certain things I like, more as an act of passion than pain. Biting being a huge one.

Do I have a preferred type of pain? Hm. I've only experienced a handful of things but I would say all kinds of impact pain is good, very good. Squeezing (is there a better term for that?), leaving finger prints. Biting. Hair pulling. Beyond that, we'd have to have a discussion and take baby steps. Do I want to push my threshold? I'd like to play on my threshold more, if that makes sense.

 

[AlwaysFara]

#18

Pain (submitted)

Pain. There is "good pain" and "bad pain" all along a spectrum, with the ideal state being the Goldilocks point. If you were to rank your pain preference from 0 (hurt me and I'll stab you in your sleep) to 10 (it doesn't count unless it leaves deep bruises or draws blood) where would you say your Goldilocks point is - either receiving or inflicting?
(added)
Is there a preferred type of pain? Do you want to push your "pain threshold" in some way or have you found that sweet spot?

Thanks to the folks who have submitted questions!!
Keep them coming and on a variety of subjects.

I like deep bruises that hurt the next day. I’m not adverse to blood. I’m not adverse to not being able to sit for awhile due to a very hard spanking.
Bite me deep. Pinch me hard. Slap me. Ass, pussy, tits, face. Choke me and pull my hair.

What I don’t tolerate is BONE pain. Don’t bend me a way i don’t bend. Don’t punch me. Don’t sustain me in one place to the point where I can’t fully use my arms the next day.
Don’t stretch me beyond. That’s bone pain and even the thought of it makes me hurt.

I can tolerate a bit when I’m turned on. Finding the sweet spot depends on each situation for me.

Make me cry.

 

[cookiecat]

Just throwing this out there to remember for later -- I'm watching tv - American Horror Story. This overloard guy is telling this woman to undress. He wants to see her shame. As he unzips the back of her dress, he asks her is painful. She is stoic and says no. He says but does this hurt? She nods and quietly says yes.

Thinking about the difference between physical and emotional pain - although I think the question is about physical.