The War on Christmas

[CandiCame]

Alright, it's that time of year again and we need to assemble the troops. As we speak, Santa and his elves have already encroached Thanksgiving to the point that it is now "Black Friday Eve" and people are leaving dinner early to get to the good sales.

Retail employees are being bombarded by the same six soul-crushing songs as we speak. It is with a heavy heart that I announce that we as a culture have brought back the concept of lay-away. I can't help but feel as if we may be loosing.

I do want to report that our one shining light is once again the goth kids. This unit in particular has been able to tow the line. But with Santa already halfway through Thanksgiving I'm getting worried. I believe, in my heart of hearts, that if the goths can't hold Halloween on their own, we're fucked. Special honors must be given to Patrick McHale and his team for creating new Halloween classic "Over the Garden Wall". They're doing the lord's work on the front lines.

And as much as we all hate to admit it, certain considerations must be given to the team behind the Chuckie reboot for at least releasing a goddamn horror movie in the fall rather than the summer.

I would also like to thank the team over at Bob's Burgers for cultural contributions in an attempt to retain Thanksgiving as its own holiday with their numerous holiday specials. They seem to be our last line, and if they give, Santa may take it completely.

That concludes old business. I will now open the floor to suggestions for this year's battle.

Edit: Stay safe out there.

 

[oggbashan]

One of our local supermarkets has been selling mince pies and Christmas puddings since the end of September. They even have hot cross buns all year around.

 

[rae121452]

a few days before halloween my local dollar tree already had one wall of christmas shit out and up. the day after halloween, my local kroger had christmas shit out and up. hail satan.

and, what? like you ain't never stepped your foot in a dollar tree, bitch?

 

[Ziggins]

Most holidays are nothing to me. Celebrating anything costs money I don't spend. In December, I try to drive less as heavy shopping traffic meets slippery roads.

 

[CandiCame]

a few days before halloween my local dollar tree already had one wall of christmas shit out and up. the day after halloween, my local kroger had christmas shit out and up. hail satan.

and, what? like you ain't never stepped your foot in a dollar tree, bitch?

Holy shit.

That... that is unacceptable. I thought... I didn't think we were that close to losing Halloween.

What the fuck is Santa doing? How is he moving this hard this fast? How... we need more goth agents at the Dollar Tree. Fuck, I really thought Damian Bloodmarch and his tacky as shit candelabra were covering that area. It's been too long. Shit, I'm getting old and the years are running together. I don't think we did a tacky/spooky cultural icon last year. That was our mistake.

We need to regroup because... a few days BEFORE Halloween?

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Edit: Hail Satan. Sorry, I was so blown away by the goddamn audacity I just- yeah, hail Satan.

 

[adrina]

The only ones I understand bringing out the Christmas shlock early are the craft stores. Those require a bit of an early start. The rest? Fuck right off.

 

[seeshelly]

What is it?

Is there anyone with a knowledge of history out there that can answer the question:

Christmas? What is it?

 

[jaF0]

We need to put the X back in X-Mas

 

[rae121452]

Is there anyone with a knowledge of history out there that can answer the question:

Christmas? What is it?

a major retail holiday.

 

[CandiCame]

a major retail holiday.

Lit staff PLEASE give us the ability to like posts. I ask for so little.

 

[FataMorgana]

Christmas is for cunts.

 

[oddity83]

War in Christmas? Thanksgiving has all but lost, veterans day is
now the front line and Halloween is being harassed by guerilla elfs.

 

[jaF0]

 

[FL30]

Christmas is lost as there were stores here that had Christmas decorations up before Halloween.

Plus there are tons of Christmas commercials already on TV and the Radio.

So sad to see & hear.

 

[butters]

listen, when you live with your mother-in-law who loves watching hallmark christmas movies in mid-summer, get back to me. till then i don't wanna hear no shit.

 

[coati]

My gf lives next door to a reclusive gun-toting Bible-jock who whines every year about the "war on Christmas".

But year after year, I show up on Christmas eve and kick his ass Chevy Chase style with Christmas lighting that puts his to shame.

And then I spend the next few days talking about his war on Christmas.

 

[TomHartman]

listen, when you live with your mother-in-law who loves watching hallmark christmas movies in mid-summer, get back to me. till then i don't wanna hear no shit.

 

[dolf]

Last weekend marked my last venture into the city this year. The lights, music, and insane numbers of Christmas shoppers was a total sensory overload. I had a large hood, but didn't have my earplugs.

Why??? Why did it have to take November?

 

[CandiCame]

listen, when you live with your mother-in-law who loves watching hallmark christmas movies in mid-summer, get back to me. till then i don't wanna hear no shit.

I. Have. Worked. RETAIL.

Also guys, I've noticed a distinct lack of suggestions. Bitching and moaning that we're losing is not going to win this war! We need solutions, people! We are not just gonna lay down and die!

 

[dolf]

I. Have. Worked. RETAIL.

Also guys, I've noticed a distinct lack of suggestions. Bitching and moaning that we're losing is not going to win this war! We need solutions, people! We are not just gonna lay down and die!

Well wishing people happy holidays just made it worse.

 

[CandiCame]

Well wishing people happy holidays just made it worse.

Jesus Christ we've... do we really have NOTHING?

I'm... I'm frantically flipping through notes and...

Starbucks! Starbucks cups pissed them off real good and- shit fuck goddamn it, I went to Starbucks and they gave me a Christmas cup.

I'm not going to lay down and die. Those... he's just too good. He's got those goddamn knife-eared fucks on shelves in personal homes now. The surveillance system is too fucking good. I don't know how to combat it if people are still dead-set on using them even after the American Psychiatric Association warned them about how bad it was gonna fuck their kids up.

 

[jaF0]

Dud(e), the incessant potty mouth routine is getting old. It severely diminishes whatever you hope you message might be.

I avoid companies that employ policies I disagree with.

 

[dolf]

Dud(e), the incessant potty mouth routine is getting old. It severely diminishes whatever you hope you message might be.

I avoid companies that employ policies I disagree with.

I've never even noticed it. But I have noticed that a lot of Americans get really uptight about what they view as obscenities.

What is it about swearing that bothers you?

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

'...Got those knife-eared fucks on shelves."

You better believe it.

Santa rules!

And, what's more, there is no person 'Satan.' There is only THE satan - 'ha-satan;' THE - satan. Any idiot can be a 'satan' - in fact, the world is damn full of them. Opposers, obstructors, dissemblers: the 'satans.'

Santa, on the other hand... Ho Ho Ho! Drinks alcohol, has a limitless sack of loot, flies around in a flying machine with lights and bells. And has a retinue of knife-eared fucks who do his bidding and a bunch of wild other stuff too, when they get out of hand, which is often.

Woe Woe fucking Woe to all you KUFAR!! The NUMBER ONE big witch dude in the whole entire racket - SANTA CLAUS.

Do anything, go anywhere, fix anything.

And... ...he is expressly in the Bible. A fact I have often had to point out to stupid popcorn Christians.

 

[jaF0]

What is it about swearing that bothers you?

It's one thing when used occasionally for emphasis. It becomes tedious when used as every other word in a lengthy spew.