Swinging, group sex, threesomes, orgies, and more!

[Corylea]

There are times when I wish I weren't so morally upstanding.

Er, would you be willing to rephrase that?

 

[Remec]

Basically, I'm thinking about branching out, as it were, into the great unknown (ie swinging) and I'm doing what I do best: researching the hell out of it first.

So upsides? Downsides? Things to watch for? Great experiences? Suggestions?

Let's see...my experiences in this area aren't many...a threesome with my GF and a mutual male friend...some voyueuristic play with her and her best friend that became a threesome when the friend joined us...getting picked up in a chat room on a local BBS by a couple and playing with them, and then with the woman and another guy they'd also gotten to come over (ie, two separate threesomes in the same evening)...that's all. Further details can be had for asking.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

For some reason I always seem to stay out of "trouble". I fear it's Fate.

 

[Belegon]

Quote:
Originally Posted by dr_mabeuse View Post
That's an unusual name.

--Zoot
Quote:
ZOOT:
What is your name, handsome knight?
GALAHAD:
'Sir Galahad... the Chaste'.
ZOOT:
Mine is 'Zoot'. Just 'Zoot'. http://www.mwscomp.com/movies/grail/grail-11.htm

Dear Zoots_owner:

A good rule when entering an established environment. Never assume that you know more than everybody else.

Monty Python references are well-known here.

And we have been calling Doc M. by the nickname "Zoot" for years. Thus his response.

That said so that you understand why the rest of us may laugh at your post. Welcome to the AH.

 

[mansome]

If you're bi, that's one thing. If you're a straight F in an FMM, that's another thing too. That can be fun. But for a straight male in an FMM, or a straight F in a FFM, it's not all that great, at least in my opinion.

Like a lot of things in porn, the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy. I was in one MMF 3-way that was kind of awkward. Of course, it was with a couple of friends, so it had all the baggage of sex with friends, and we were all so concerned not to leave the other one out that we could hardly relax and enjoy it. I guess she liked it okay, but my latent homophobia kicked in or something, so I was self conscious, and really, I would have rather just been alone with her. The sight of someone you know going down on someone you know really isn't all that arousing, if you ask me.

The problem is, what you really want in sex is someone who's selfish about taking. That's what makes a great lover. In 3-ways people are usually on their best behavior and you get a lot of polite giving: A lot of Alphone-Gaston stuff. No passion or emotional spontaneity. In reality, 3-ways can be kind of self-conscious and mechanical.

But to each their own.

You are such an incredibly vivid and imaginative writer for sure and you certainly keep many of us stimulated through the visions you represent in your stories....

I however have always found the opposite to be true... I'll take any reality over the fantasy or hypothetical possibility any day......

 

[impressive]

Lots of "lifestyle" swinging tips, here. Not sure that's exactly SJ's focus, but perhaps she'll enlighten.

I'm not a lifestyler -- I just dabble -- but I think a lot of the advice is valid regardless.

 

[mansome]

Lots of "lifestyle" swinging tips, here. Not sure that's exactly SJ's focus, but perhaps she'll enlighten.

I'm not a lifestyler -- I just dabble -- but I think a lot of the advice is valid regardless.

After reading most of the advice I do notice the good intentions of the posters... Nice to see some adults on these boards once in awhile....

 

[harrlequin]

If you're bi, that's one thing. If you're a straight F in an FMM, that's another thing too. That can be fun. But for a straight male in an FMM, or a straight F in a FFM, it's not all that great, at least in my opinion.

Like a lot of things in porn, the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy. I was in one MMF 3-way that was kind of awkward. Of course, it was with a couple of friends, so it had all the baggage of sex with friends, and we were all so concerned not to leave the other one out that we could hardly relax and enjoy it. I guess she liked it okay, but my latent homophobia kicked in or something, so I was self conscious, and really, I would have rather just been alone with her. The sight of someone you know going down on someone you know really isn't all that arousing, if you ask me.

The problem is, what you really want in sex is someone who's selfish about taking. That's what makes a great lover. In 3-ways people are usually on their best behavior and you get a lot of polite giving: A lot of Alphone-Gaston stuff. No passion or emotional spontaneity. In reality, 3-ways can be kind of self-conscious and mechanical.

But to each their own.

To each their own, to be sure, Doctor.

Straight three, four and moresomes are challenging if you have more than one Alpha-type. This applies to vanilla couplings even more so than persons of a more - err - open-minded nature.

The sex is much more spontaneous if the participants are bisexual and of an equal power level field. When you bring in Alpha/beta differences, much more negotiation is involved and yes, you do tend to lose some of the spontenaiety.

However, it can be very hot.

 

[Corylea]

I'm polyamorous, rather than a swinger, and from what I've heard, the cultures of the two are rather different. I've never been to a swinger's event, myself, but a friend of mine used to be an active swinger, and my impressions of it are what I've garnered through him. Of course, he's 55 and stopped going after he and his first wife divorced, a couple of decades ago, so things could be different in the swing community now than they were when he was involved.

Polyamorous people are usually looking for relationships. Not necessarily till-death-do-us-part relationships, but we're not usually looking for someone to have fun with for an hour and then never see again, either. And we usually want at least part of the relationship to happen before the sex -- picky, picky.

Relationships with poly people usually span the gamut from friend-with-benefits to auxiliary spouse, and poly people usually operate as individuals, not as couples, though it's completely normal for one poly person to get involved with another poly person and then say, "Y''know, I think my spouse would adore you; would you like to meet them?"

If a poly person meets you and likes you, the chances are good that they'll want to have dinner or coffee with you and get to know you better. I'm not saying that no poly person has ever met an attractive stranger and immediately taken them to bed, but it's not usually the way we work; most poly folks meet interesting strangers and take them to lunch, then maybe or maybe not take them to bed in a few days, weeks, or months (depending on how fast a mover the person is), when they're not strangers anymore.

 

[mansome]

I'm polyamorous, rather than a swinger, and from what I've heard, the cultures of the two are rather different. I've never been to a swinger's event, myself, but a friend of mine used to be an active swinger, and my impressions of it are what I've garnered through him. Of course, he's 55 and stopped going after he and his first wife divorced, a couple of decades ago, so things could be different in the swing community now than they were when he was involved.

Polyamorous people are usually looking for relationships. Not necessarily till-death-do-us-part relationships, but we're not usually looking for someone to have fun with for an hour and then never see again, either. And we usually want at least part of the relationship to happen before the sex -- picky, picky.

Relationships with poly people usually span the gamut from friend-with-benefits to auxiliary spouse, and poly people usually operate as individuals, not as couples, though it's completely normal for one poly person to get involved with another poly person and then say, "Y''know, I think my spouse would adore you; would you like to meet them?"

If a poly person meets you and likes you, the chances are good that they'll want to have dinner or coffee with you and get to know you better. I'm not saying that no poly person has ever met an attractive stranger and immediately taken them to bed, but it's not usually the way we work; most poly folks meet interesting strangers and take them to lunch, then maybe or maybe not take them to bed in a few days, weeks, or months (depending on how fast a mover the person is), when they're not strangers anymore.

That's awesome... I'm totally cool with relationships like that...
My problem is that I have a hard time loving even 1 person romantically... 2 or more would almost be unfathomable.... I think my standards for that emotion are set way too high..... Obviously I can separate love from sex.... In saying that I am picky and I certainly don't have sex with anyone who shows an interest... I am however more open to casual sex...

 

[sweetness6280]

I'm polyamorous, rather than a swinger, and from what I've heard, the cultures of the two are rather different. I've never been to a swinger's event, myself, but a friend of mine used to be an active swinger, and my impressions of it are what I've garnered through him. Of course, he's 55 and stopped going after he and his first wife divorced, a couple of decades ago, so things could be different in the swing community now than they were when he was involved.

Polyamorous people are usually looking for relationships. Not necessarily till-death-do-us-part relationships, but we're not usually looking for someone to have fun with for an hour and then never see again, either. And we usually want at least part of the relationship to happen before the sex -- picky, picky.

Relationships with poly people usually span the gamut from friend-with-benefits to auxiliary spouse, and poly people usually operate as individuals, not as couples, though it's completely normal for one poly person to get involved with another poly person and then say, "Y''know, I think my spouse would adore you; would you like to meet them?"

If a poly person meets you and likes you, the chances are good that they'll want to have dinner or coffee with you and get to know you better. I'm not saying that no poly person has ever met an attractive stranger and immediately taken them to bed, but it's not usually the way we work; most poly folks meet interesting strangers and take them to lunch, then maybe or maybe not take them to bed in a few days, weeks, or months (depending on how fast a mover the person is), when they're not strangers anymore.

Oddly enough, a great deal of the people we have met in the swinger "lifestyle" want to get to know someone first. Your description of how a poly person would meet someone applies to most of the people we know. We are most definitely that way. We have to establish a connection with someone before any sex takes place. Many of our friends are similar. My experience has been that the swing community is a very diverse group.

Of course, this could be colored by the fact that the "group" we hang with is all-inclusive. We have couples, singles, straight, gay, bi, TS, TG, CD, BBW, BDSM and yes, even poly... I could go on. It is race, size, and kink friendly. We also have a lot of vanilla events where we just hang out and enjoy the company of friends. There are a few backyard BBQs with the whole family invited. This solidifies our relationship as friends.

The one thing that I have learned in any "lifestyle" is that there is no norm. The activities and attitudes are as diverse as the people involved.

I don't know exactly what you are seeking SJ, but I would be glad to PM you with any of my limited experiences.

 

[Corylea]

My problem is that I have a hard time loving even 1 person romantically... 2 or more would almost be unfathomable....

Some poly relationships are of the friend-with-benefits model, and that might work for you. There is affection involved, since the person is a friend, but it's not a romantic kind of affection. Of course, oxytocin is secreted when you have sex, so if you have sex with a friend, falling in love with them can happen even without intending to do so.

I think my standards for that emotion are set way too high.....

That's interesting. I was under the impression that love was something that happened or didn't happen, but it sounds as if you think you're choosing when to love? Or am I misunderstanding you?

Obviously I can separate love from sex.... In saying that I am picky and I certainly don't have sex with anyone who shows an interest... I am however more open to casual sex...

To me, having sex with someone who's "just" a friend IS casual sex. *smile* These sorts of differences are part of what makes the world such an interesting place!

 

[impressive]

The one thing that I have learned in any "lifestyle" is that there is no norm. The activities and attitudes are as diverse as the people involved.

Agreed.

For the record, when I used the term lifestyle, I was referring to BDSM 'cause that's where my mind is at the moment -- having spent last Saturday in a nifty club in DC.

 

[rgraham666]

That's interesting. I was under the impression that love was something that happened or didn't happen, but it sounds as if you think you're choosing when to love? Or am I misunderstanding you?

I understand him. I'm scared shitless by love. It's never ended well and has more often been a source of pain than joy.

 

[Safe_Bet]

[...]That's interesting. I was under the impression that love was something that happened or didn't happen, but it sounds as if you think you're choosing when to love? Or am I misunderstanding you?[...]

Personal opinion: Love finds you. Even if you are / are not looking for it!

 

[Corylea]

The one thing that I have learned in any "lifestyle" is that there is no norm. The activities and attitudes are as diverse as the people involved.

That's certainly true! But when someone says, "I'm thinking of checking this out, give me some advice," one has to make some generalizations, and I talked about what the poly people I know do in general, while saying that what I knew might not apply to swingers, since I don't know much about them; I'd heard they might be different.

About fifteen years ago, I was walking to work and encountered a man who thought he knew me. He called me by a name that isn't mine, and when I said that I wasn't that person, he insisted that we'd met when I was a student at Rutgers. I told him that I'd never been a student at Rutgers, and he didn't quite believe me. Then he told me that he thought he'd met me at a swingers event, and I was pretending not to recognize him because I was being in the closet about being a swinger. I told him that although I was poly, I'd never been to a swingers event, so I couldn't have met him at one. He started telling me in detail what he wanted to do with me, and I told him that I wasn't interested, thank you anyway. He's the only swinger I've knowingly met, and it sounds as if he's an exception. I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that, since he seemed slightly creepy.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Personal opinion: Love finds you. Even if you are / are not looking for it!

Being inter-personally impaired, I have to believe that love is a choice. Someone likes/is attracted to you so you respond because to do otherwise is mean. Can't stand mean.

 

[sweetness6280]

Agreed.

For the record, when I used the term lifestyle, I was referring to BDSM 'cause that's where my mind is at the moment -- having spent last Saturday in a nifty club in DC.

Ooohhhhh Now that sounds fun. Details???

*sigh* There really isn't another word. Until somebody comes up with something better... we are stuck with "lifestyle".

 

[Corylea]

Being inter-personally impaired, I have to believe that love is a choice. Someone likes/is attracted to you so you respond because to do otherwise is mean. Can't stand mean.

Sweetie, are you saying that the laws of politeness require that you love anyone who loves you?

Angelina Jolie is gonna be in such a pickle when this gets around!

 

[mansome]

Some poly relationships are of the friend-with-benefits model, and that might work for you. There is affection involved, since the person is a friend, but it's not a romantic kind of affection. Of course, oxytocin is secreted when you have sex, so if you have sex with a friend, falling in love with them can happen even without intending to do so.




That's interesting. I was under the impression that love was something that happened or didn't happen, but it sounds as if you think you're choosing when to love? Or am I misunderstanding you?




To me, having sex with someone who's "just" a friend IS casual sex. *smile* These sorts of differences are part of what makes the world such an interesting place!

When I mentioned that.. I was actually re-evaluating my stance on the emotion as I typed it... I'm totally not "allowing" that to happen at all.. Ever... It would be a choice for me.. and maybe that is something that I have to just let go and allow myself to open up..... Hmmmm...

I'm loving your analysis on all of this Cory....... I hope you can make it to Chicago, you would totally be a welcome addition with your open mind and viewpoints.......... I think we could have some incredible discussions... I'll make sure sweetsubsarrah has the post its handy too.. *laugh*

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Sweetie, are you saying that the laws of politeness require that you love anyone who loves you?

Angelina Jolie is gonna be in such a pickle when this gets around!

Don't know if it applies to anyone else. This is just me. Intellectually, I'm action. Emotionally, reaction. It can get really lonely, sometimes.

 

[sweetness6280]

That's certainly true! But when someone says, "I'm thinking of checking this out, give me some advice," one has to make some generalizations, and I talked about what the poly people I know do in general, while saying that what I knew might not apply to swingers, since I don't know much about them; I'd heard they might be different.

About fifteen years ago, I was walking to work and encountered a man who thought he knew me. He called me by a name that isn't mine, and when I said that I wasn't that person, he insisted that we'd met when I was a student at Rutgers. I told him that I'd never been a student at Rutgers, and he didn't quite believe me. Then he told me that he thought he'd met me at a swingers event, and I was pretending not to recognize him because I was being in the closet about being a swinger. I told him that although I was poly, I'd never been to a swingers event, so I couldn't have met him at one. He started telling me in detail what he wanted to do with me, and I told him that I wasn't interested, thank you anyway. He's the only swinger I've knowingly met, and it sounds as if he's an exception. I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that, since he seemed slightly creepy.

I'm not sure he's an exception, just an unfortunate byproduct. There are always those guys hanging around the fringes. Most people try to avoid them.

I was struck by how similar the two "lifestyles" are, or at least, our individual experiences with them. I'm sure others have different experiences, and there are good and bad in all of them. You could have been describing any number of our friends! That connection, even when our preferences are not the same, is one of the things I love about Lit.

 

[Safe_Bet]

Sweetie, are you saying that the laws of politeness require that you love anyone who loves you?

Angelina Jolie is gonna be in such a pickle when this gets around!

Muaha! I am SO on the way to HER doorstep!

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Muaha! I am SO on the way to HER doorstep!

Gee, I wonder if AJ has the same preg/lactation fetish I do . . .

 

[Corylea]

I was struck by how similar the two "lifestyles" are, or at least, our individual experiences with them. I'm sure others have different experiences, and there are good and bad in all of them. You could have been describing any number of our friends! That connection, even when our preferences are not the same, is one of the things I love about Lit.

*smile* Apropos of the earworm thread, cue the chorus of "It's a Small World After All."