Make me laugh - stand up comedians

[GretaX]

Sometimes when the world seems crazy it is good to put on some classic Carlin to help out it all in to perspective.

God, I miss him!! He was brilliant!!

 

[GretaX]

One of my favorites!!
Gary Gulman - State Abbreviations

 

[KinkyLaughs]

Love me some Gaffigan.

 

[KinkyLaughs]

 

[TheMrBurns]

FYI: His campaign was successful, Canada now has crunchberries.

 

[BrendaD]

FYI: His campaign was successful, Canada now has crunchberries.

What what what? Canadians were previously denied crunch berries?? I don’t understand why they even put up with that prime minister guy… denying them crunch berries… freedom, my ass!

 

[TheMrBurns]

What what what? Canadians were previously denied crunch berries?? I don’t understand why they even put up with that prime minister guy… denying them crunch berries… freedom, my ass!

Just took time to find the perfect translation for the French side of the box...
Like fucking poetry!

 

[BrendaD]

 

[GretaX]

Two great bits about shopping in this era of uncivilization.

 

[willlph]

 

[BrendaD]

 

[VoraciousValue]

"Have you ever noticed that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the place??" -- George Carlin

 

[VoraciousValue]

"If you would tell the truth, everyone here says 'shit.' If you never said 'shit' before, come on out to the parking lot with me, and let me slam my car door on your hand. You'll say 'shit' and 'motherfucker!'

"'SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!'

"That's a normal reaction uptown. You think people gonna say 'darn' down there? 'Oh darn!' Shit!"

-- Redd Foxx

 

[VoraciousValue]

"I like women over 40. They don't tell, they don't yell, they don't swell, and they grateful as hell!" -- Redd Foxx

 

[BrendaD]

"I like women over 40. They don't tell, they don't yell, they don't swell, and they grateful as hell!" -- Redd Foxx

That is also almost word for word the lyrics in a song by “Saffire – The Uppity Blues Women”.
I can hear it in my head - I think the song is called something like the Middle aged woman blues …

Edit: OMG! I found it on youTube - that is the CD I have too…

 

[VoraciousValue]

That is also almost word for word the lyrics in a song by “Saffire – The Uppity Blues Women”.
I can hear it in my head - I think the song is called something like the Middle aged woman blues …

Edit: OMG! I found it on youTube - that is the CD I have too…

You're welcome??

 

[VoraciousValue]

"I've got a twelve-inch dick/And a dozen roses/And a pickup truck/Hubba hubba hubba hey

"That's all I wrote of that one--that's all I figured they needed!" -- Rodney Carrington

 

[VoraciousValue]

"I think it was Franklin Delano Roosevelt who said, 'All we have to fear is Eleanor naked!'" -- Bob Zany

 

[BrendaD]

"I think it was Franklin Delano Roosevelt who said, 'All we have to fear is Eleanor naked!'" -- Bob Zany

For many years in my young life (many years ago), I thought people were saying “Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt” and wondered why people stuck his wife’s name in his.

 

[VoraciousValue]

"I love Radio Shack because of their motto. They say, 'We have answers, you got questions.' So I ask them questions.

"This is my wife--does she look fat in this??

"What does the inside of your nose smell like?

"Should I be worried about my cat's urinary tract health?

"When it comes to sex, I know 'no' means 'no,' but what does 'Get that little thing away from me!' mean??"

--Bob Zany

 

[Wageslave]

Gary Delaney always does it for me

 

[BrendaD]

 

[VoraciousValue]

"Let's remind ourselves that, you might not be driving on some particular day. Maybe your car is in the shop, huh? Maybe you had an accident. Maybe you ate a whole box of Total and went out and wrecked your car!"

 

[VoraciousValue]

"I'd like to read you a list of words that's gotten a little bit longer. It's an incomplete list of impolite words. I know it's incomplete because someone always comes up after the show and say, 'Hey! You forgot Needledick the Bug Fucker!'"

 

[BrendaD]

…. Needledick the Bug Fucker!'"

Holly insect molesters!!! I have not heard that in over 30 years!!!