Make me laugh - stand up comedians

[RachelPost]

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?​

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?​

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

What do boobs and toys have in common?​

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

Why did Barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Okay, I will stop now. Just know, I could go on. And on.

 

[willlph]

 

[RachelPost]

What is the best way to help a female partner reach climax?
Hand her her favorite vibrator and leave her in peace.

Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever." The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour. Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it. He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

A crusty old Marine Corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of
whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously -
I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

 

[BrendaD]

What is the best way to help a female partner reach climax?
Hand her her favorite vibrator and leave her in peace.

Where is the joke? That is just good advice.

 

[BrendaD]

This guy is so funny!

 

[BrendaD]

Starting the year laughing.

 

[BrendaD]

I adore Kathleen Madigan…

 

[Superfungurl]

Um...I'm actually a literal (burgeoning) stand-up comedian.

 

[Superfungurl]

I do mics all over...I'm not "big" or anything but...people like my stuff...not only that, the 2 stories I've written here are hardly my catalogue...I hesitate to do so but...let's just say if you ordered on Amazon everything I've authored or contributed to...it would be a decent size box. I'll see if I can edit a bit of just audio...that's pretty anonymous, right?

 

[Superfungurl]

I've seen a few great stand up shows over the years. Most recently was Adam Sandler and his show was hilarious and heart warming.

Back in the early 2000s I got to see Dave Chapelle after he came back from Africa after the height of The Chapelle Show, and that was one of the most memorable shows I've been to, aside from when I saw him again during covid when he put on a show with other comedians on his property in Yellow Springs, OH.

Steve Martin and Martin Short was one of the best stand up shows I've seen live. They are such a hilarious duo.

Trevor Noah was another favorite live. I saw him when he released his bio a few years ago. He's had such an interesting upbringing.

That's cool...I've seen Jim Gaffigan 3x...that dude is so cool...he will sign for everyone after a show at a literal theatre! You don't have to buy anything, he's just...so goddam friendly!