How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

maltaforyou some things in your orig post:

"You can never forget your past - but it should not dominate your future".

This should be taken as one of lifes mottos.

secondly i'd have thought the "forgiveness" should be for the victim shouldn't it???

 

[Don K Dyck]

maltaforyou some things in your orig post:

"You can never forget your past - but it should not dominate your future".
This should be taken as one of lifes mottos.

secondly i'd have thought the "forgiveness" should be for the victim shouldn't it???

Another Gil Gem that should be written on the wall everywhere, "Eternity" style.

Uhmmm . . . strangely, the victim has to give forgiveness to the perpetrator not for the perpetrator's sake, but for their own.

By giving forgiveness, the victim somehow releases themselves from the hold of the perpetrator, and is free to pursue their separate independent future without any emotional strings to the unwanted past.

However, many victims find this very important step too difficult and so carry around more crap than they need to for far too long after physical separation from the problem perpetrator. This may cause stress in some of its many forms.

I guess that forgiving the perpetrators says to your mind; "This person is so insignificant to me that I can forgive their past atrocities and not think about them any more and without seeking any retribution that keeps the atrocities fresh in my mind." However, there may be other reasons.

 

[Gil_T2]

Another Gil Gem that should be written on the wall everywhere, "Eternity" style.

Uhmmm . . . strangely, the victim has to give forgiveness to the perpetrator not for the perpetrator's sake, but for their own.

By giving forgiveness, the victim somehow releases themselves from the hold of the perpetrator, and is free to pursue their separate independent future without any emotional strings to the unwanted past.

However, many victims find this very important step too difficult and so carry around more crap than they need to for far too long after physical separation from the problem perpetrator. This may cause stress in some of its many forms.

I guess that forgiving the perpetrators says to your mind; "This person is so insignificant to me that I can forgive their past atrocities and not think about them any more and without seeking any retribution that keeps the atrocities fresh in my mind." However, there may be other reasons.

Both of us have talked about this with both our pasts & we agree we can not forgive our former partners.

 

[mortalwombat]

Both of us have talked about this with both our pasts & we agree we can not forgive our former partners.

and even harder than to forgive is to forget. I'm having a few issues at the moment over things i thought were well burried in the past-what with everything else thats going on it's really not the time for this!

 

[maltaforyou]

Another Gil Gem that should be written on the wall everywhere, "Eternity" style.

Uhmmm . . . strangely, the victim has to give forgiveness to the perpetrator not for the perpetrator's sake, but for their own.

By giving forgiveness, the victim somehow releases themselves from the hold of the perpetrator, and is free to pursue their separate independent future without any emotional strings to the unwanted past.

However, many victims find this very important step too difficult and so carry around more crap than they need to for far too long after physical separation from the problem perpetrator. This may cause stress in some of its many forms.

I guess that forgiving the perpetrators says to your mind; "This person is so insignificant to me that I can forgive their past atrocities and not think about them any more and without seeking any retribution that keeps the atrocities fresh in my mind." However, there may be other reasons.

I could not have put it better - honestly.

I think i should talk a bit about forgiveness, just for clarity sake as this is very often misunderstood.

Please forgive my delay - i was unwell (i will talk about a different forgiveness lol )

Ok - by forgiveness i mean a multiangled element here.

1. There is the forgiveness to self - many abuse victims find that they are blaming them self - 'I should have seen the signs', 'How can I be so dumb', 'If only i had listened to him/her' or many other phrases.

2. By forgiving one is not saying that they can place trust that abusive person again but that there is an element of the famous psychology word closure

3. To a very certain extent by forgiving the person i.e. the abuser one is saying that this is something from the past and that I am over it now - i can move on.

4. Through the forgiving of the person - the abuse victim is OWNING the feeling of anger, the feeling of pain, shame, guilt, rage etc... these are all understandable feelings that are after all in the right place at the right time - but many times people feel ashamed of the fact that they are angry, or they may feel guilt for the fact that they were abused, forgiveness is important to risolve these issues.

Forgiveness needs to come both to the self (i forgive myself) and to the other person, and very often even to God or the higher power the victim believes in (God where were you when this happened?)

I will say again, by forgiveness I DO NOT MEAN that the victim should 'forgive and forget' placing themself bact in the vulnerable position or even going back to the abuser - but coming to grip with the fact and internalising the feeling to be able to overcome it.

I hope that i have managed to explain this well, as there are times when writing these things down is soo hard as the loss of full communication is a big one. I hope my English is good enough to get the full message through.

Comments?

 

[Gil_T2]

and even harder than to forgive is to forget. I'm having a few issues at the moment over things i thought were well burried in the past-what with everything else thats going on it's really not the time for this!

speaking for myself as well as reading what others have said on this forgetting isn't an option......dealing with it in a way as to be able to move on is what is required.

 

[mortalwombat]

ok-an interesting aside to the thread. anyone who is a reg here knows i have a few issues with my mother from my childhood years. found out yesterday that she is having an operation monday week to have a cancerous section of bowel removed. i dont know many details but as they dont think she'll need chemo i guess they dont think it will be a problem. The interesting bit is this. when my brother told me, i had no feelings at all about it. i didn't feel sad, i didn't feel happy-there was nothing. he may as well of said that he saw a cat cross the road. This is potentially life threatening to my mother and i felt nothing. I am however concerned about my lack of feeling-there should have been something. Comments anyone?

 

[pleasteasme]

Wombat,

I don't have any insight other than I have the same feelings or lack of. I used to think there was something very wrong with me. I really wanted to be able to feel for my parents but, over the years their basic disregard for me as their child...well, taught me to feel that way.

In a weird twist of fate, I have just recently realized that it isn't that I am not emotional ~ I have found that it is totally dependant upon WHOM it is. Much like it sounds you are about your mother. I have very little emotion for people who have treated me badly. Maybe it is a defense/safety mechanism to keep myself from being hurt? I'm not sure but, I definately have the same feelings/lack of. On the other hand, those that I truly care about, and have shown me the same care and compassion...I get very emotional about them.

This probably didn't help - maybe just to know you aren't alone is a help though?

 

[kikmosa]

ok-an interesting aside to the thread. anyone who is a reg here knows i have a few issues with my mother from my childhood years. found out yesterday that she is having an operation monday week to have a cancerous section of bowel removed.... I am however concerned about my lack of feeling-there should have been something. Comments anyone?

Getting information like that can cause emotional shock. You may find feelings creeping in at odd moments at any time now. And they can run the range from sadness, to intense anger, to fear, to just about anything. Your mind will deal with it, or not, as it can.

 

[kikmosa]

Well, the trip home was definately different. Not what I had expected at all. For one thing, I no longer felt like it was home for me. It was just some place I was visiting. And one of my sisters tried to get to me like she used to and it didn't bother me at all. She simply didn't matter. I stood there and listened to the things she was saying about me and it was like she was talking about someone else. I just smiled at her and said "Whatever floats your boat, hun, have fun." and turned and walked away. I felt absolutely nothing for her. Shocked her quite a bit though. Wish I had my camara on me right then, lol.
I got to see everyone while I was there. All of them came into town. I even went back to the place where I used to work and no-one reconized me at all. I laughed so hard. I'm glad I went back but I'm even happier that I'm home again. And this is home for me now. Here, where I am and who I am right now.
And the whole point of the trip was to see my father again and I did, spent a lot of time talking to him. That made the trip worth the effort.
All in all it was a pretty good trip.

 

[mortalwombat]

Wombat,

I don't have any insight other than I have the same feelings or lack of. I used to think there was something very wrong with me. I really wanted to be able to feel for my parents but, over the years their basic disregard for me as their child...well, taught me to feel that way.

In a weird twist of fate, I have just recently realized that it isn't that I am not emotional ~ I have found that it is totally dependant upon WHOM it is. Much like it sounds you are about your mother. I have very little emotion for people who have treated me badly. Maybe it is a defense/safety mechanism to keep myself from being hurt? I'm not sure but, I definately have the same feelings/lack of. On the other hand, those that I truly care about, and have shown me the same care and compassion...I get very emotional about them.

This probably didn't help - maybe just to know you aren't alone is a help though?

you are often a help although i probably dont say it. yes i was badly treated and maybe thats why i feel like this-i had more feelings for a close online friend who died (of bowel cancer coincedently) a few years ago. I was pretty upset when i found out about her illness-a person i'd never actually met-but nothing for my mother who is starting exactly the same. ever notice how much we seem to have in common?

 

[mortalwombat]

Getting information like that can cause emotional shock. You may find feelings creeping in at odd moments at any time now. And they can run the range from sadness, to intense anger, to fear, to just about anything. Your mind will deal with it, or not, as it can.

thanks kiki-might even have the problem that as so much is going on at the moment my minds just gone into overload!

 

[mortalwombat]

Well, the trip home was definately different. Not what I had expected at all. For one thing, I no longer felt like it was home for me. It was just some place I was visiting. And one of my sisters tried to get to me like she used to and it didn't bother me at all. She simply didn't matter. I stood there and listened to the things she was saying about me and it was like she was talking about someone else. I just smiled at her and said "Whatever floats your boat, hun, have fun." and turned and walked away. I felt absolutely nothing for her. Shocked her quite a bit though. Wish I had my camara on me right then, lol.
I got to see everyone while I was there. All of them came into town. I even went back to the place where I used to work and no-one reconized me at all. I laughed so hard. I'm glad I went back but I'm even happier that I'm home again. And this is home for me now. Here, where I am and who I am right now.
And the whole point of the trip was to see my father again and I did, spent a lot of time talking to him. That made the trip worth the effort.
All in all it was a pretty good trip.

Glad you had a good trip-hopefully you acheived all you wanted. i bet they were suprised at the person you've become!
also-congratulations on the weight loss-as you may have noticed i'm doing the same myself at the moment and i know its not easy. i also know how damn frustrating it is when people dont notice!

 

[kikmosa]

Glad you had a good trip-hopefully you acheived all you wanted. i bet they were suprised at the person you've become!
also-congratulations on the weight loss-as you may have noticed i'm doing the same myself at the moment and i know its not easy. i also know how damn frustrating it is when people dont notice!

Actually, your weight ticker is what inspired me to try this. I also went and read your thread. I really need to lose this weight for my health and I just can't seem to do it on my own. Maybe knowing that others are watching will make me work harder at it. and I do notice yours. I've been watching yours and a few others since you started them. And Gil's smoking one. I know I don't post often but I'm usually around anyway.

 

[pleasteasme]

you are often a help although i probably dont say it. yes i was badly treated and maybe thats why i feel like this-i had more feelings for a close online friend who died (of bowel cancer coincedently) a few years ago. I was pretty upset when i found out about her illness-a person i'd never actually met-but nothing for my mother who is starting exactly the same. ever notice how much we seem to have in common?

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were my brother!

The only way I'm certain is that he bought a computer about 3 years ago and it is still in the box

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Guilt is a tough thing, even more so when you are feeling guilt over not feeling... I'm glad I can help, even if it is in a small way.

 

[mortalwombat]

Actually, your weight ticker is what inspired me to try this. I also went and read your thread. I really need to lose this weight for my health and I just can't seem to do it on my own. Maybe knowing that others are watching will make me work harder at it. and I do notice yours. I've been watching yours and a few others since you started them. And Gil's smoking one. I know I don't post often but I'm usually around anyway.

thanks-i appreciate that. I am so impressed with gils smoking one-i met gil and bandit last october and he was smoking pretty heavily. I know it's hard to give up and am so pleased he's doing so well. i will keep an eye on your ticker and comment every now and again-we all need encouragement! dont get depressed like i did last week when i had a bad weigh in tho-not worth it! oh-and you're not doing it on your own anymore! Good luck!

 

[mortalwombat]

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were my brother!

The only way I'm certain is that he bought a computer about 3 years ago and it is still in the box

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Guilt is a tough thing, even more so when you are feeling guilt over not feeling... I'm glad I can help, even if it is in a small way.

wasn't actually going for brother-but ok! you've actually helped alot over the past few weeks-thank you

 

[pleasteasme]

wasn't actually going for brother-but ok! you've actually helped alot over the past few weeks-thank you

Hmmm, not in a brotherly way?

Awww, glad I could help You are NOT alone wombat!!

 

[Gil_T2]

Well, the trip home was definately different. Not what I had expected at all. For one thing, I no longer felt like it was home for me. It was just some place I was visiting. And one of my sisters tried to get to me like she used to and it didn't bother me at all. She simply didn't matter. I stood there and listened to the things she was saying about me and it was like she was talking about someone else. I just smiled at her and said "Whatever floats your boat, hun, have fun." and turned and walked away. I felt absolutely nothing for her. Shocked her quite a bit though. Wish I had my camara on me right then, lol.
I got to see everyone while I was there. All of them came into town. I even went back to the place where I used to work and no-one reconized me at all. I laughed so hard. I'm glad I went back but I'm even happier that I'm home again. And this is home for me now. Here, where I am and who I am right now.
And the whole point of the trip was to see my father again and I did, spent a lot of time talking to him. That made the trip worth the effort.
All in all it was a pretty good trip.

KIKI this post is fantastic & i'm so pleased that you managed to ignore your sister comments..... doing a happy dance for you dear lady.

 

[Gil_T2]

Actually, your weight ticker is what inspired me to try this. I also went and read your thread. I really need to lose this weight for my health and I just can't seem to do it on my own. Maybe knowing that others are watching will make me work harder at it. and I do notice yours. I've been watching yours and a few others since you started them. And Gil's smoking one. I know I don't post often but I'm usually around anyway.

more power to you sweet lady.

 

[Gil_T2]

you are often a help although i probably dont say it. yes i was badly treated and maybe thats why i feel like this-i had more feelings for a close online friend who died (of bowel cancer coincedently) a few years ago. I was pretty upset when i found out about her illness-a person i'd never actually met-but nothing for my mother who is starting exactly the same. ever notice how much we seem to have in common?

Wombat there is no set rule in how we handle things in life & with a past of abuse this is even more complicated although as KIKI said you may have it creep up on you, emotional numbness often happens.

Have you looked into taking that course I sugested in chat?

 

[mortalwombat]

Wombat there is no set rule in how we handle things in life & with a past of abuse this is even more complicated although as KIKI said you may have it creep up on you, emotional numbness often happens.

Have you looked into taking that course I sugested in chat?

actually no-not as yet. been so busy with other crap i haven't had time

 

[Noor]

ok-an interesting aside to the thread. anyone who is a reg here knows i have a few issues with my mother from my childhood years. found out yesterday that she is having an operation monday week to have a cancerous section of bowel removed. i dont know many details but as they dont think she'll need chemo i guess they dont think it will be a problem. The interesting bit is this. when my brother told me, i had no feelings at all about it. i didn't feel sad, i didn't feel happy-there was nothing. he may as well of said that he saw a cat cross the road. This is potentially life threatening to my mother and i felt nothing. I am however concerned about my lack of feeling-there should have been something. Comments anyone?

Sounds like you have shut down your emotions regarding your mom. Maybe because you were hurt by her or maybe you can't take in that this could be it. I wouldn't worry about it, you will feel if and when you need to, when you are in a safe space to do it.

 

[mortalwombat]

Sounds like you have shut down your emotions regarding your mom. Maybe because you were hurt by her or maybe you can't take in that this could be it. I wouldn't worry about it, you will feel if and when you need to, when you are in a safe space to do it.

thanks noor-it's more likely to be the former rather than the latter-i dont think she's going to die or anything, so i'm not worried about that really. as i've mentioned before i had a difficult childhood so i would assume my non feelings stem from that. I still find it something to be concerned about tho.

 

[~Breathe~]

ok-an interesting aside to the thread. anyone who is a reg here knows i have a few issues with my mother from my childhood years. found out yesterday that she is having an operation monday week to have a cancerous section of bowel removed. i dont know many details but as they dont think she'll need chemo i guess they dont think it will be a problem. The interesting bit is this. when my brother told me, i had no feelings at all about it. i didn't feel sad, i didn't feel happy-there was nothing. he may as well of said that he saw a cat cross the road. This is potentially life threatening to my mother and i felt nothing. I am however concerned about my lack of feeling-there should have been something. Comments anyone?

I don't know your story hon - but huge hugs for you - it may hit you soon