How do you help someone get over being abused

[mortalwombat]

I don't know your story hon - but huge hugs for you - it may hit you soon

thank you my freind *hugs*

 

[kikmosa]

Oh what wonders forgeting to take your lunch to work with you will do, lol.

 

[Noor]

Oh what wonders forgeting to take your lunch to work with you will do, lol.

Hi Kiki! Nice to see you about.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi Kiki! Nice to see you about.

it's wonderful to see you both here ladies.

 

[Don K Dyck]

speaking for myself as well as reading what others have said on this forgetting isn't an option......dealing with it in a way as to be able to move on is what is required.

Agreed . . . and letting go of the hurt is part of this process . . .

People can choose what they think about. If they choose NOT to think about episodes of abuse, that releases them from reliving ththat abuse in their minds . . .

 

[Don K Dyck]

Wombat,

I don't have any insight other than I have the same feelings or lack of. I used to think there was something very wrong with me. I really wanted to be able to feel for my parents but, over the years their basic disregard for me as their child...well, taught me to feel that way.

In a weird twist of fate, I have just recently realized that it isn't that I am not emotional ~ I have found that it is totally dependant upon WHOM it is. Much like it sounds you are about your mother. I have very little emotion for people who have treated me badly. Maybe it is a defense/safety mechanism to keep myself from being hurt? I'm not sure but, I definately have the same feelings/lack of. On the other hand, those that I truly care about, and have shown me the same care and compassion...I get very emotional about them.

This probably didn't help - maybe just to know you aren't alone is a help though?

Putting up barriers around the problem is a common strategy to protect our fragile ego/emotions from daily damage.

So, it is not unusual for us to hide behind those wall when social values say we should feel sympathy for our abuser suffering from a third party affliction.

Why should we??? Our abuser did not feel any sympathy for us when we were being abused.

Parents can be a blessing or a curse, it depends on how they were treated as kids. Many parents who suffered abuse deliberately elect NOT to repeat the process on THEIR kids.

Others less fortunate, do not think about the consequences of their delinquent parenting on their own kids . . . so the problem progresses unchanged into the next generation . . .

<Oh . . . it generally takes an experienced man to appreciate and understand a redhead >

 

[Don K Dyck]

ok-an interesting aside to the thread. anyone who is a reg here knows i have a few issues with my mother from my childhood years. found out yesterday that she is having an operation monday week to have a cancerous section of bowel removed. i dont know many details but as they dont think she'll need chemo i guess they dont think it will be a problem. The interesting bit is this. when my brother told me, i had no feelings at all about it. i didn't feel sad, i didn't feel happy-there was nothing. he may as well of said that he saw a cat cross the road. This is potentially life threatening to my mother and i felt nothing. I am however concerned about my lack of feeling-there should have been something. Comments anyone?

Hi Batty . . . congratulations on your continuing success with the weight . . .

I can relate to this with my recently deceased mother . . . during the last couple of months of her decline with lung cancer I became almost robotic in my responses to her. She was always ruthlessly independent, and so I took the position that my job was to allow her to deal with things the way that she wanted.

That was OK until she had a breathing event at 0330 hours one Sunday morning and the neighbour put her into hospital, where she had two more equally distressing events. She never went home.

I just felt numb when we were told of her passing. Wandered around like a stunned mullet until forced into doing the funeral service details.

Then afterwards, had the good fortune to have a mate ruthlessly 'assist' with clearing the premises of her belongings. Items were either 'junk' or family history; he let me keep the family history paperwork without argument. However, it was a fine contest for any other memoribilia. He was a wonderful help.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Well, the trip home was definately different. Not what I had expected at all.

For one thing, I no longer felt like it was home for me. It was just some place I was visiting.

And one of my sisters tried to get to me like she used to and it didn't bother me at all. She simply didn't matter. I stood there and listened to the things she was saying about me and it was like she was talking about someone else. I just smiled at her and said "Whatever floats your boat, hun, have fun." and turned and walked away. I felt absolutely nothing for her. Shocked her quite a bit though. Wish I had my camara on me right then, lol.

I got to see everyone while I was there. All of them came into town. I even went back to the place where I used to work and no-one reconized me at all. I laughed so hard.

I'm glad I went back but I'm even happier that I'm home again. And this is home for me now. Here, where I am and who I am right now.

And the whole point of the trip was to see my father again and I did, spent a lot of time talking to him. That made the trip worth the effort.

All in all it was a pretty good trip.

What a fabulous result for you Kiki . . . congratulations!!!

You have detached from your past and are prepared to make the future that you want for yourself. Well done!!!

{{{{{{{ Kiki }}}}}}}

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hmmm, not in a brotherly way?

Awww, glad I could help You are NOT alone wombat!!

PTM, That is the secret of this thread of Gil's . . . we are not alone

 

[wicked woman]

:

<Oh . . . it generally takes an experienced man to appreciate and understand a redhead >

Know it wasn't directed at me but I still had a wicked smirk.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Know it wasn't directed at me but I still had a wicked smirk.

. . . and a wicked redhead . . . is very exciting

 

[wicked woman]

. . . and a wicked redhead . . . is very exciting

as is a Don that will go down under

 

[Don K Dyck]

as is a Don that will go down under

Ahhhh yes . . . cumming up from down under is sooooo nice . . .

<Sorry for the hijack Gil >

 

[Gil_T2]

If only we could get WW downunder i'm sure the redhead would be delighted that she came.


I heard a quote i thought belongs on this thread.

The best revenge on an abuser is to live the life you want & live it well.

 

[Noor]

it's wonderful to see you both here ladies.

Thanks Gil! Nice to see you too

 

[mortalwombat]

Then afterwards, had the good fortune to have a mate ruthlessly 'assist' with clearing the premises of her belongings. Items were either 'junk' or family history; he let me keep the family history paperwork without argument. However, it was a fine contest for any other memoribilia. He was a wonderful help.

good to have a mate like that in time of need-no doubt if it comes to that the 6 of us "kids"will sort it all out between us-i have no idea who the executor is-as oldest you would expect it to be me but as i'm also the black sheep it's not! I have no idea how i'll react if she does pass on but whats interesting is i was talking to my brother yesterday and he feels exactly the same as me, except he's angry at himself for feeling nothing. one thing i do know is when she dies, be it this year or in 20 years i will be saying nothing at her funeral. apart from the fact i'm useless in front of a crowd, i just couldn't think of much nice stuff to say

 

[Don K Dyck]

good to have a mate like that in time of need-no doubt if it comes to that the 6 of us "kids"will sort it all out between us-i have no idea who the executor is-as oldest you would expect it to be me but as i'm also the black sheep it's not! I have no idea how i'll react if she does pass on but whats interesting is i was talking to my brother yesterday and he feels exactly the same as me, except he's angry at himself for feeling nothing. one thing i do know is when she dies, be it this year or in 20 years i will be saying nothing at her funeral. apart from the fact i'm useless in front of a crowd, i just couldn't think of much nice stuff to say

Uhmmm Batty . . . it is important for you to say something, to express your feelings about her life and the impact that she had on you as a person.

It does not matter what other people think about what you say as it is your relationship that you are commenting upon.

I have a friend who chose not to go to her mother's funeral for much the same reasons as your own.. She has regretted losing the opportunity to have her say about things.

Remember that funerals are for the living because the dead are past caring.

 

[mortalwombat]

Uhmmm Batty . . . it is important for you to say something, to express your feelings about her life and the impact that she had on you as a person.

It does not matter what other people think about what you say as it is your relationship that you are commenting upon.

I have a friend who chose not to go to her mother's funeral for much the same reasons as your own.. She has regretted losing the opportunity to have her say about things.

Remember that funerals are for the living because the dead are past caring.

i have no wish to upset any of my siblings-most of the shit i went thru was when my second youngest brother was a baby and before the youngest was born. they have no problems with her and i wont be shattering their delusions. Also my own kids love her-whatever her faults she is a good grandmother. i was thinking of having a crack at telling mum what i thought -sitting on her bed saying" this is what you deserve for being a heartless bitch" has it's charms

 

[Don K Dyck]

i have no wish to upset any of my siblings-most of the shit i went thru was when my second youngest brother was a baby and before the youngest was born. they have no problems with her and i wont be shattering their delusions. Also my own kids love her-whatever her faults she is a good grandmother. i was thinking of having a crack at telling mum what i thought -sitting on her bed saying" this is what you deserve for being a heartless bitch" has it's charms

Sounds a suitable compromise.

Is your mother English by any chance? My former spouse is the oldest child who had the same destructive upbringing by an agrophobic English mother.

Former M-i-L made life hell for oldest (daughter) and allowed second oldest (favourite) to get away with murder. Third child (daughter) rebelled during teenage years and made an unstable reconciliation in late 20s. Fourth and last child (only son) was the spoilt baby.

Four kids with birthdays all within a month of each other . . . and each four years apart from the next . . . and all kids went to kindergarten at age four . . . tell you anything??

 

[mortalwombat]

Sounds a suitable compromise.

Is your mother English by any chance? My former spouse is the oldest child who had the same destructive upbringing by an agrophobic English mother.

Former M-i-L made life hell for oldest (daughter) and allowed second oldest (favourite) to get away with murder. Third child (daughter) rebelled during teenage years and made an unstable reconciliation in late 20s. Fourth and last child (only son) was the spoilt baby.

Four kids with birthdays all within a month of each other . . . and each four years apart from the next . . . and all kids went to kindergarten at age four . . . tell you anything??

no not english! funny tho the first 3 in your story are similar to the first 3 in my family except at 36 my sister is still rebelling. 4th child (the brother i refered to in my post) was the spoilt baby up to a point-then child 5 came along (second marraige)so 4 started missing out and even had some of the same troubles i did. Child 6 came alot later-20 years and 2 weeks younger than me.

 

[wicked woman]

If only we could get WW downunder i'm sure the redhead would be delighted that she came.


I heard a quote i thought belongs on this thread.

The best revenge on an abuser is to live the life you want & live it well.

Thanks but only the other red head?

*if only the air fare wasn't 2-4 times more than other places I travel to*


As for your quote...I think it applied to all revenge....great point Gil.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks but only the other red head?

*if only the air fare wasn't 2-4 times more than other places I travel to*


As for your quote...I think it applied to all revenge....great point Gil.

yes but i'm sure the advantages of downunder would prove well worth he extra price.

 

[danilli]

hey gil how have you been its me tbon45 im doing great. hope your doing better.

 

[Gil_T2]

hey gil how have you been its me tbon45 im doing great. hope your doing better.

good news always makes me feel better & welcome to the new you.

 

[kikmosa]

I guess I need to cut portions again, lol.

Hope everyone is doing well.