Miles Long
Fuck victoriously!
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2005
- Posts
- 21,358
You have till Thursday but there's no cut off.
I may have to double up.
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You have till Thursday but there's no cut off.
I may have to double up.
How long in between questions? I have lots to say about experience but it will probably take me a few days. Will I be too late?
You have till Thursday but there's no cut off.
BTW, I like it like this. All mushed into one big thread.
I would theorize that the very nature of play affects the amount of posts you see from a Top/PYL. (No slight intended by omitting additional or subsequent labels)
Since in their respective roles, one role of the Top is to observe and absorb while a bottom is expected to communicate so a Top may ensure safe play.
Wouldn't that very behaviour permeate other aspects of daily life and attitude?
There is no true way to prove this theory without having access to the lurker's profiles for this thread. But anonymity and voyeurism are some of the beautiful things about Lit. One doesn't have to participate if you don't feel like it.
Thursday Question:
(Submitted)
Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After
Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?
**Thanks to everyone who has sent me discussion questions or ideas. Keep 'em coming! Also, just because a new question is up doesn't mean old questions are off the table.**
Thursday Question:
(Submitted)
Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After
Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?
**Thanks to everyone who has sent me discussion questions or ideas. Keep 'em coming! Also, just because a new question is up doesn't mean old questions are off the table.**
We’ve changed and tweaked, but really, there are no negotiations. We just talk. Constantly. We are talkers. Ask cookie.
Thursday Question:
(Submitted)
Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After
Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?
**Thanks to everyone who has sent me discussion questions or ideas. Keep 'em coming! Also, just because a new question is up doesn't mean old questions are off the table.**
Aftercare online is a bit trickier.
I remember when I first got to Lit. I had no clue. There was a guy who I got friendly with and yadda yadda... and one night he called and had me cum. Taking orders from him was the first time I had done that. He had me causing minor pain to myself. Good pain. Between that and being commanded, I was a wet mess.
Then he had to go. Quickly.
And I had nothing.
So I called my GF <MyNameisNO, remember her?> and she let me cry. I cried and cried. It was so good.
I wasn’t sad. I just... didn’t know. I didn’t know I loved pain. I loved submitting. I loved being emptied out from my core. I had nowhere to go with it. So, she stayed with me, on the phone, and let me cry. She knew. I will never forget that.
Thursday Question:
(Submitted)
Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After
Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?
**Thanks to everyone who has sent me discussion questions or ideas. Keep 'em coming! Also, just because a new question is up doesn't mean old questions are off the table.**
Ok - Here's my rambling nonsense answer.
Negotiations - I've had discussions about likes/dislikes, hard and soft limits but if we are talking true negotiations, I'm going to keep it limited to the two true D/s experiences I've had (which were completely fucking opposite).
In the first situation, things progressed extremely quickly and, while we covered hard limits, we never really talked about safe words or language/names I might find difficult or physical/emotional boundaries. I think I was so new to everything at the time that I wouldn't have even known what to say. He was a much more emotionally Dominant person. He liked to crawl around in my brain and push me a step further than I thought I would/could go and pull me into blurting things I didn't know I even felt. Negotiations were done as we went and always questioned. (Why not? What makes you think you won't like it? Shouldn't you try it first? etc.) He was also the first person to introduce any idea of aftercare to me. We'd do deep breaths together and kind of a full system check before we went into a re-equalization talk where we became friends again.
In the second situation, it was a literal negotiation through a series of emails over a contract. I may or may not have gotten my law degree during this process. Haha. Anyway, I had much more of a clear idea of what was expected, what I could expect, how to handle myself in different situations and how - if things ended - things were to be handled. It was nice to have an actual document to refer to sometimes and made me always feel the seriousness of the commitment I had agreed to. There was a LOT of communication and I always knew what to expect. Aftercare, was a sweeter, softer conversation - a discussion of what worked and what didn't work and what I'd like to add next time.
Though I still talk to both of these gentlemen the "formality" is over and I'm carrying my own leash, so to speak. Thinking back on both of these experiences the thing that stands out is communications. I always walked away with a smile (and not just because of the awesome orgasms - pervs ). If there's one thing I've learned about myself (and what I want in a future Dom, if there is one) during this whole lifestyle exploration is how much I love, LOVE, love communication and how much I hate, HATE, hate not knowing where I stand with someone. Submission can leave you very vulnerable and it's important to be able to feel safe with someone - before, during, and after. Walking away feeling lost, confused, or questioning yourself doesn't make me want to come back for more.
Ok, I hope that made a tiny bit of sense!
Thank you for the question!
plp
Aftercare online is a bit trickier.
I remember when I first got to Lit. I had no clue. There was a guy who I got friendly with and yadda yadda... and one night he called and had me cum. Taking orders from him was the first time I had done that. He had me causing minor pain to myself. Good pain. Between that and being commanded, I was a wet mess.
Then he had to go. Quickly.
And I had nothing.
So I called my GF <MyNameisNO, remember her?> and she let me cry. I cried and cried. It was so good.
I wasn’t sad. I just... didn’t know. I didn’t know I loved pain. I loved submitting. I loved being emptied out from my core. I had nowhere to go with it. So, she stayed with me, on the phone, and let me cry. She knew. I will never forget that.
I lost a friend for a time after we had a similar situation, i had to leave suddenly and she couldn't get out of get sub space. When she could finally express that feeling we hada good talk and agreed to provide more time, just in case. So as to limit any potential for sudden leaving.
Online aftercare is super hard for so many reasons.
~~~
Hats off to the people you have dealt with and to you for sharing... thank you so much. I cant add to this topic as it is one I need to learn from. But I can say I have learned from the posts here.
Thursday Question:
(Submitted)
Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After
Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?
I've done negotiations a couple different ways. Early on I was fond of talking through bdsm checklists as a big-picture opening negotiation. We'd each mark off likes and dislikes, wants and not-on-your-life items and then discuss the places where we were in synch and those where our interests differed. Other times I've done a less systematic introduction to each other's likes and dislikes and such. Very occasionally I've had reason to enter into a negotiation over a particular weekend or evening, but that's been fairly rare.
Aftercare is all about what works for her. Sometimes that would be letting her sleep for a while and other times it might have meant some hugs and hot tea. Usually it meant checking in a day or so after an intense session (or weekend) to give support in the event of any drop, either hers or mine.
Online play is no different, really. It's a relationship and you have inherent responsibilities toward each other regardless.
Thursday Question:
(Submitted)
Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After
Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?
I've done negotiations a couple different ways. Early on I was fond of talking through bdsm checklists as a big-picture opening negotiation. We'd each mark off likes and dislikes, wants and not-on-your-life items and then discuss the places where we were in synch and those where our interests differed. Other times I've done a less systematic introduction to each other's likes and dislikes and such. Very occasionally I've had reason to enter into a negotiation over a particular weekend or evening, but that's been fairly rare.
Aftercare is all about what works for her. Sometimes that would be letting her sleep for a while and other times it might have meant some hugs and hot tea. Usually it meant checking in a day or so after an intense session (or weekend) to give support in the event of any drop, either hers or mine.
Online play is no different, really. It's a relationship and you have inherent responsibilities toward each other regardless.