Getting the most out of Fetlife

Hi everyone!

Thanks to the excellent advice and support that I've received here, I've decided I'd like to act on exploring my submissive side in real life. At the time, many people said that FetLife was a great way to meet other people interested in D/s, so I made an account.

So far, I have to admit I find Fetlife incredibly frustrating to use. Its interface is clunky and looks like it came out of the late nineties, and although it has a huge amount of content, it's completely un-curated, and doesn't really support effective browsing or searching.

It also seems to have a strong emphasis on helping like-minded people find each other, but I'm not super interested in sub support groups; I'm interested in meeting Domme-minded women and finding out if we're compatible. Besides, if I want to talk about D/s stuff, I much prefer to talk about it here!

So, my question is if you've met people through FetLife, how did you do it, and what recommendations would you have for newcomers? Alternatively, if you have another, better way of meeting compatibly kinky people, I'd love to hear about it.

Have you tried...

...searching FetLife's "Groups" and "Places" and "Events" tabs?

Searching within "Places" lets you find people that are geographically close to you.

Searching within "Groups" lets you find people within groups/kinks/fetishes/preferences that you like.

Searching within "Events" lets you find social gatherings that can combine the first two, Places and Groups.

Attached is a sample search of the word "domme" and "domme wanted" in the Groups tab. Adding your state and/or city to the "domme" search should get you closer to what you seek...

https://fetlife.com/groups/search?utf8=✓&q=domme

https://fetlife.com/groups/search?utf8=✓&q=domme+wanted


Hope this helps,
Tori

Torinona, thank you for your reply! I have looked through those options, but you can't constrain a search by a combination of interest, age, location, and gender. Without being able to do that, you're more or less forced to browse through a random list - a very long random list - until you find something that might work. Then you're left with the option of messaging them cold and little else. It seems like even OkCupid would be a better option at that point!

Events do constrain on both interest and place, but I'm not really comfortable attending that kind of thing. I value my privacy, and would prefer to keep things one-on-one.

Searching groups for Domme + city wasn't something I'd tried yet, but unfortunately it didn't produce any useful results. I have noticed several competing "personal ad" groups, most of which do not filter by interest or geography, let alone age and gender.

I know there are browser plug-ins that allow you do more specific searches, but I'm pretty sure they violate terms of service for the site. I'm not hugely bothered by that, but I'd prefer to avoid it if there's a more legit way.

Fet isn't really a dating site. It's primary function is to connect people in groups to discuss things in a forum, and/or promote businesses, munches, meet ups, etc.

Honestly, if you aren't interested in munches/etc, you probably would be better off putting a profile on OKCupid. You will run into people who are hesitant to meet someone who has no interest in "the scene" (primarily those who get worked up about "references" or "vetting"), but at point... Dating is dating.

And as someone who has been approached by submissive men on OKC (repeatedly ), it's probably one if the more kink-friendly dating sites out there.

CutieMouse, thanks for your feedback! I did notice that FetLife made a pretty big deal about not being a "meat market," and I realize my intentions for the site are a little unorthodox. Still, I was hoping that perhaps by being active on the site and joining the right groups, I might be able to network my way into a real-life relationship at some point. I mostly want a decent search function so I can see what kind of things compatibly-minded folks are into.

As for real-life meetups, I suppose upon more thorough reflection I'd be willing to try a munch, but most of the events I've seen so far are for people who share a fetish or inclination, and a get-together that's all subs doesn't seem very helpful to me. That said, I didn't even realize that vetting and references were even a thing, and it could be that such meetups have other benefits that I'm just not aware of. I truly am but a humble nooblet.

Lastly, I was planning on re-activating my OkCupid page anyway, but I have to admit I don't relish the thought. I spent years on the site with essentially no success despite several complete profile re-designs and careful research on everything from message construction to photography methods. In fact, I have a personal record of sending out 76 in a row without a single response. That's not to say I won't give it another try, I just wish there were a better way.

QuietListener said:

CutieMouse, thanks for your feedback! I did notice that FetLife made a pretty big deal about not being a "meat market," and I realize my intentions for the site are a little unorthodox. Still, I was hoping that perhaps by being active on the site and joining the right groups, I might be able to network my way into a real-life relationship at some point. I mostly want a decent search function so I can see what kind of things compatibly-minded folks are into.

As for real-life meetups, I suppose upon more thorough reflection I'd be willing to try a munch, but most of the events I've seen so far are for people who share a fetish or inclination, and a get-together that's all subs doesn't seem very helpful to me. That said, I didn't even realize that vetting and references were even a thing, and it could be that such meetups have other benefits that I'm just not aware of. I truly am but a humble nooblet.

Lastly, I was planning on re-activating my OkCupid page anyway, but I have to admit I don't relish the thought. I spent years on the site with essentially no success despite several complete profile re-designs and careful research on everything from message construction to photography methods. In fact, I have a personal record of sending out 76 in a row without a single response. That's not to say I won't give it another try, I just wish there were a better way.

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Find a general munch in your city, and check it out. In my area, there's a HUGE munch that meets once a month, and all the smaller groups go to that huge munch to let people know they exist. So if you are interested in the groups networking for submissive men/dominant women - that would be your first step. Go to the big group, meet leaders/people representing the smaller groups, get information, and work your way in. Recognize it can be a slow road... Kinky people can be remarkably closed off, and it can take months of consistent showing up/being polite to become one of the in crowd. I dated someone earlier this year (whom I met on OKC), and he expected that with regular participation, it might take a year to 18 months to become "well known" enough to be considered part of "the community".

As for OKC, I think a lack of response is simply the rough road men unfortunately have to ride. I know I am nowhere near as consiencious about replying to emails as I should be, and the reasons I don't respond vary day to day.

I agree Fetlife is clunky, hard to navigate, difficult to search. It does seem to serve a purpose in the wide world of kink, so I suppose that's why I choose to forgive its shortcomings and use it for what it is. Having said that it is the avenue I used to connect with the local kink community step out and experience true kink in real life. I managed to search the names of several cities in my area and from there find that there actually existed a bit of an organized group who held munches and play parties. I'm sure every community is different and there are good ones and bad ones and ones who welcome newcomers and ones who seek exclusivity. I was fortunate in connecting with some wonderful people and have had some amazing experiences. There's lots more I could say, but hopefully this helps.

CutieMouse and mrron, thanks (again) for your response! It's encouraging to hear that that kind of meetup can be fun and helpful. The city I live in is large and liberal enough that there should be something of that sort around, even if FetLife's interface makes it hard to find. It does seem like that might well be the best way to get milage out of the site.

I can personally speak to kinksters being a bit shut-in - I myself view attending a large get-together with a fair amount of dread. I'm very good with small groups, but large social gatherings, especially ones where I don't know anyone, are very stressful for me.

Still, 18 months is considerably less time than I've spent on OkCupid, and I didn't get to be part of any community at the end of my time there. It seems like this sort of event would be a better use of my time, if I can find the courage to actually attend regularly.

Lastly, I do understand what it can be like for women who use dating sites, and I know not to take rejection personally. I just get my hopes up a little with every message I send, and even though I should get used to it, every unanswered or rejected message still hurts a little after all this time. Still, I realize that this is my problem, not anyone else's, and that I just have to suck it up and carry on.

Just a suggestion for not getting overwhelmed at a munch...find a supporting munch Group on Fetlife and talk with the people who post there. Maybe make a friend or two so you'll have someone you can meet at the munch who can introduce you around. By doing a little background work online you won't be completely alone. I made a few good friends online (back in the IRC days LOL), and they were great about holding my hand at my first munch.

desertslave, that's a really good idea! I think that would likely help me want to attend more and make me a lot more comfortable while I'm there. If I'm being honest with myself, the alternative would probably be me standing in a corner the entire time, or maybe not even going at all. You might have saved this adventure of mine from stopping before it even really got a chance to start. Thanks for sharing that advice!

If anyone has any more advice or experience to share with FetLife, or with meeting other kinky folks IRL in a romantic or social context, I'd love to hear it.

If attending a public munch isn't right for you and you intend to message individuals, I suggest joining local groups and participating in the online discussions. Get to know people there first. Many women will not respond to unsolicited private messages from men. But if they interact with you in the groups, they may be willing to message you, or respond to a message sent by you.

Some common things that might help would be to talk with women like people. Read profiles and make sure this is someone open to receiving messages. Avoid sexy talk. If you open with, "I live to serve you Mistress," you're probably going to be ignored. Women don't want to be treated like fetish delivery systems.

It also helps if your profile is completely filled out. That includes sharing interests beyond kink and sharing what you can offer them (not just a list of what you want from someone). Also, if you're active in groups that can be seen as a positive. If your profile and feed are empty except for some dick pics and all those loves of big breasts and dommes holding whips, you'll likely not be taken seriously.

FetLife isn't made to search for individuals, if it were every 18F would be unable to use the site without being smothered by messages. FL, however, has groups specifically for personals and finding people that you can join. It may not be set up as a dating site, but that doesn't mean people haven't met through FL. It takes patience and work to find someone, good luck.

MeekMe, I can tell that's some good advice! I've heard quite a lot of it from other sources, and it seems like you've pinpointed a number of common issues in the BDSM community.

For instance, I always wondered about people who would come out of nowhere and make comments on welcome threads like "allow this humble slave to worship you, Mistress," or alternately, "get down on your knees before Me, slut!" It always just struck me as being really unpleasant, especially considering the person doesn't know you from Adam. Besides, being objectified just isn't fun for most people, no matter the circumstances.

I understand why FetLife works the way it does, and I can respect it, even if it can make for a frustrating user experience. I joined anyway because even though I'm hoping to meet people through the site, I'm also hoping to get around cold messaging people. It's a technique that rarely works even on dedicated dating sites where there is literally no other way to interact with other site members!

I figured that a full profile and an active commenting life would be helpful, but I wasn't 100% sure exactly how helpful it would be or what should go into the profile. I really appreciate you shedding a bit more light on that - I'll get cracking on filling out the my profile and see if I can find some active user groups that interest me.

I think you also make a good point in that it's both wise and polite to put forward what you can offer as well as what you're looking for, since all relationships involve giving and taking. Besides, if you're of the sub-y persuasion, it doesn't make much sense to only have a list of demands on your profile!

Thank you again for your help and your good wishes! I'd like to think I would have managed to avoid most of those pitfalls, but I know it's all too easy to get wrapped up in your own desires and needs if you're not careful. Besides, the Internet can be a very desensitizing place. It never hurts to get a reminder to be kind, respectful, and to always remember the individual on the other end of the web-tube is a person just like you.

I've been using Fetlife for a few years now, and in the beginning it was definitely hard to navigate. I highly suggest joining groups that are of interest to you.. Especially groups that are specific to your location. Usually within those groups there are a few people who will send you a welcome message, and you can take things from there. They may be able to help you connect with others. I agree with others.. If you're going to go to a munch.. Check to see who is attending and maybe send out a few messages, just explaining that you are new, but planning on attending. That way there are some familiar faces. If you're in a big city, it should be easy to find what you're looking for and also make some friends along the way.

Speaking about messaging...........

Might I suggest you fill out your profile here. It's empty so people who want to know more about you can't see you in a nutshell. Secondly you have no way for someone to message you. Your PM must not be turned on.

Now back to fetlife issues. I have had the same experience as you had. The website is extremely clunky and difficult to navigate. What I've done is to develop my profile page then check out others in my community. Read there profiles and see what groups they belong to. If I find one of interesting read about it and then join if I like it. I then have gone to munches and have found out about play spaces in my area. I did find a particular fetish group very appealing and started going to their tickle parties once a month. I've been going now for over 3 years I have made many good friends there. So try my way I do think it's quite useful and so far it's worked for me. Good luck and u can friend me on fetlife if u like. My addy is dreamykitten2 there as well.

littlestfox, thanks for weighing in! Some of this stuff is taking me WAY outside of my comfort zone, so having a bit of consensus makes me feel a lot more safe and comfortable about it, and I'm grateful you've given me a more specific idea of what I might encounter once I start joining groups and events. I will definitely follow your advice!

Luckily, the city I live in is both large and relatively quirky, and I'm hopeful I can get something to pan out in terms of making connections in the community here. It seems like that's still the best way to make friends, and the best way to meet partners is through friends, so the way forward is starting to seem pretty clear.

Also, I like your user name - it is cute to the max!

just to 'stick-up' for fetlife. I met my wonderful Dom on there, but it was him who found me. I tend to communicate with friends of friends on there. I have never really searched for anyone specifically because I was never looking for a relationship, just friends.
good luck in your search

QuietListener said:

So, my question is if you've met people through FetLife, how did you do it, and what recommendations would you have for newcomers? Alternatively, if you have another, better way of meeting compatibly kinky people, I'd love to hear about it.

Click to expand...

I'm a bit late to the party here as I've only just found this thread. Hopefully I still have something useful to add, though.

I joined Fetlife nearly a year ago specifically in order to find out about local BDSM events that I could attend with my wife. Fetlife is good for that purpose, and I'd thoroughly recommend it as such. By attending a variety of events promoted on Fetlife, my wife and I have met many great kinky people, made some firm friends, and received lots of fantastic advice and support.

On the flip side, though, I'd agree with the above comments about the drawbacks of Fetlife. It's intended by design not to be a hook-up site, and as such it's difficult even to find like-minded friends for online conversations.

The publicity "stickies" on Fetlife suggest that it's readily possible to make new friends by joining special interest groups and participating in threads there. My experience is that this rarely works as: (a) it's not readily possible to identify like-minded people for online chats by a shared love of, say, fly fishing; and (b) most group threads seem to be "write-only", in the sense that people tend to reply to the original poster but rarely check back again later for follow-ups and contributions by others.

I'd therefore suggest that the best way is to utilise Fetlife to identify local events, then to attend those events in order to meet kinky people in real life. Once you've done that, you find that you receive and can make friend requests of good quality, rather than exchanging random fishing messages with strangers.

Another consideration is that, like Lit, Fetlife comes with a significant proportion of fakes, wannabes and charlatans. The wisdom that I've received from others is that, whilst these unsavoury characters may talk a good game online, they're unlikely to make an appearance in real life. The kink community has quite a good shared memory, and one of the benefits of chatting to established and trustworthy members is that one quickly gets to hear warnings about those who have question marks hanging over them.

Hope that's helpful! Of course, it's just my own €0.50, and your mileage may vary from the manufacturer's published figures!
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I'm not sure where the myth got started that Fetlife is not about hooking up. There ARE personals sites on Fetlife. The problem is that the members are under the impression that EVERY group on Fetlife is about hooking up.

If you're looking to meet someone, you don't go to "Yeah, I LOVE baseball and I'm kinky -- DEAL with it!", because if you haven't already guessed it, that group is about talking about baseball. Likewise, if you're looking to meet someone, you don't go to a group entitled "Vacuum beds", Online Roleplay", or "BDSM Furniture Builders" because none of those groups are about hooking up with someone for a date.

On the other hand, if you live in Arkansas and want to meet someone, there is "Arkansas Singles", "Arkansas Kinksters" and a few others. If you're looking for a wider audience, there is "Classified! (submissives and Owners Seeking - a place to advertise!)".

In fact, if you go up to the upper right corner and type the word "classifieds" in the search box, you'll find 999 groups under that term. If you type in the word "personals" in that search box, you'll find there are 7,757 groups. Classifieds and personals groups for just about every city, state and country. And some of those cities, states and countries have multiple groups dealing with classifieds and personals. Hell, you can even find classifieds groups for specialized interests. Got a foot fetish? There's a group for that ("Foot Fetish Classifieds").

In the interest of full disclosure, I didn't join Fetlife looking to hook up with anyone. I'm there strictly for online role play and learning about the more exotic fetishes. So I don't know how successful these classifieds and personals groups are. But to say they don't exist?

dale124 said:

I'm not sure where the myth got started that Fetlife is not about hooking up. There ARE personals sites on Fetlife. The problem is that the members are under the impression that EVERY group on Fetlife is about hooking up.

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FetLife specifically says this in their FAQs:

Why can't I search by age/sex/etc?
Since FetLife is a social network and not a dating site, we've opted to not include search filters like that. I mean we probably have more hot female members who are willing to take their clothes off than pretty much any other website out there... And it's all because we don't make it as easy for horny guys to find them without some commonality. Obviously that's just one example of why we do what we do, but I hope you see where we're coming from.

As a social network, we encourage people to get active in discussions, love pictures, and go out to events in your local area. There is a real kickass community here so have fun! Meeting people of a certain age/sex/cock or tit size/etc. will happen naturally when you are getting yourself out there.

If you're looking to meet someone, you don't go to "Yeah, I LOVE baseball and I'm kinky -- DEAL with it!", because if you haven't already guessed it, that group is about talking about baseball. Likewise, if you're looking to meet someone, you don't go to a group entitled "Vacuum beds", Online Roleplay", or "BDSM Furniture Builders" because none of those groups are about hooking up with someone for a date.

On the other hand, if you live in Arkansas and want to meet someone, there is "Arkansas Singles", "Arkansas Kinksters" and a few others. If you're looking for a wider audience, there is "Classified! (submissives and Owners Seeking - a place to advertise!)".

In fact, if you go up to the upper right corner and type the word "classifieds" in the search box, you'll find 999 groups under that term. If you type in the word "personals" in that search box, you'll find there are 7,757 groups. Classifieds and personals groups for just about every city, state and country. And some of those cities, states and countries have multiple groups dealing with classifieds and personals. Hell, you can even find classifieds groups for specialized interests. Got a foot fetish? There's a group for that ("Foot Fetish Classifieds").

In the interest of full disclosure, I didn't join Fetlife looking to hook up with anyone. I'm there strictly for online role play and learning about the more exotic fetishes. So I don't know how successful these classifieds and personals groups are. But to say they don't exist?

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The classified ad groups are user created like the majority of groups on FL. Also, having looked through the thread, many of us touched on ways meeting people on FL is possible and some have even confirmed that it worked for them. Not sure where anyone here said 'they don't exist.'

That said, most classified group members are men.

Some hacker/programmer made an app that let men search for women, based on age, location, etc. (I've been told).

Apparently, the number of women getting anonymous messages from horny idiots blew up. The number of horny men looking to get off quickly vastly outweighs the number of women looking to do the same (see Lit's Personals).

Fet is about connecting people with groups, and yes, with people. It's not so much about sending out 20 messages to hot chicks in your area between 20 and 30 who all like to be spanked or identify as "submissive".

It's a good place to meet someone, but you generally have to actually go meet people first.