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PrettyLilPussy
Guest
Lol, perfect visual image at the end.
And very good list. Especially the "inadvertently feeding self esteem issues"...
Lol, perfect visual image at the end.
And very good list. Especially the "inadvertently feeding self esteem issues"...
KimGordon67
Rampant feminist
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2014
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- 8,379
Do's:
1. Pay attention. To everything. Pay attention to the things we say to each other, but all the other things as well.
2. Laugh, when things are funny. If I accidentally say 'my cock' instead of 'your cock' (I can't even think of an example sentence, but I know I've done it, more than once), it's OK if we lose the mood for minute and just have a laugh. (I think both Cookie and Paul have sort of talked around this as well.)
3. Ask. If you want something, ask ... ask outrightly, or ask other ways, but just ask. That goes for me and the other person.
Don't's:
1. Don't do something just to make me happy if you're not into it. If you're not into it, I'm not into it, even if it's something I said I'd be really into.
2. Don't belittle each other. I really don't want to use the word 'safe' here, but you do need a context in which it's safe to, for example, ask for things, and it's safe to say 'meh ... I don' think so'.
3. Don't put celery in my food.
1. Pay attention. To everything. Pay attention to the things we say to each other, but all the other things as well.
2. Laugh, when things are funny. If I accidentally say 'my cock' instead of 'your cock' (I can't even think of an example sentence, but I know I've done it, more than once), it's OK if we lose the mood for minute and just have a laugh. (I think both Cookie and Paul have sort of talked around this as well.)
3. Ask. If you want something, ask ... ask outrightly, or ask other ways, but just ask. That goes for me and the other person.
Don't's:
1. Don't do something just to make me happy if you're not into it. If you're not into it, I'm not into it, even if it's something I said I'd be really into.
2. Don't belittle each other. I really don't want to use the word 'safe' here, but you do need a context in which it's safe to, for example, ask for things, and it's safe to say 'meh ... I don' think so'.
3. Don't put celery in my food.
clistenovena
Literotica Guru
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There is something to quote from every single post here. Wow. Good stuff.
My Do's regarding kink:
1) Do make sure that privacy is guaranteed. Too many questions can arise if the moans and screams are overheard. Can make one hesitant to venture into the fray next time if one feels worried about discovery.
2) Do have things all ready to go and within reach ahead of time. Nothing messes up a mood more than having to ask, "Where's the lube?"
3) Do provide encouragement after it's all over. Saying, "I loved it when you (insert your kink here). Can we do that again next time?" can add a special somethin' somethin' to the mix. And as much as we desire it, mind reading is more rare than a unicorn duck. Just a few words can go a long way in making kink better than it already is.
My Do Not's regarding kink:
1) Don't make out like it's no big deal if a limit was pushed past the comfort level. It is more than okay and makes one no less sexy to say, "This isn't for me." If it is a problem for the other person (people), then one might need to rethink one's placement.
2) Don't spring brand new kink on someone unless there's a great deal of confidence that it will be accepted well, especially if a blindfold is involved. Just no.
3) Don't forget to turn the ringer off on the phone prior to the kink beginning. Hearing certain ring tones will destroy the kinky moment.
Great thread!
My Do's regarding kink:
1) Do make sure that privacy is guaranteed. Too many questions can arise if the moans and screams are overheard. Can make one hesitant to venture into the fray next time if one feels worried about discovery.
2) Do have things all ready to go and within reach ahead of time. Nothing messes up a mood more than having to ask, "Where's the lube?"
3) Do provide encouragement after it's all over. Saying, "I loved it when you (insert your kink here). Can we do that again next time?" can add a special somethin' somethin' to the mix. And as much as we desire it, mind reading is more rare than a unicorn duck. Just a few words can go a long way in making kink better than it already is.
My Do Not's regarding kink:
1) Don't make out like it's no big deal if a limit was pushed past the comfort level. It is more than okay and makes one no less sexy to say, "This isn't for me." If it is a problem for the other person (people), then one might need to rethink one's placement.
2) Don't spring brand new kink on someone unless there's a great deal of confidence that it will be accepted well, especially if a blindfold is involved. Just no.
3) Don't forget to turn the ringer off on the phone prior to the kink beginning. Hearing certain ring tones will destroy the kinky moment.
Great thread!
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PrettyLilPussy
Guest
#2
Monday Question:
Experience!
How important is it in a partner? Do you prefer someone with lots of experience with different types of play, partners, etc? Or do you like "training" someone for the first time? Have you ever been someone's first foray into BDSM? (Feel free to share your first experience - within the rules) How does your partner's experience level or the way you identify (Dom, sub, swith) factor in to your play?
***If I haven't got to everyone, thank you for participating! And thanks to those who have submitted questions! Keep them coming!
Monday Question:
Experience!
How important is it in a partner? Do you prefer someone with lots of experience with different types of play, partners, etc? Or do you like "training" someone for the first time? Have you ever been someone's first foray into BDSM? (Feel free to share your first experience - within the rules) How does your partner's experience level or the way you identify (Dom, sub, swith) factor in to your play?
***If I haven't got to everyone, thank you for participating! And thanks to those who have submitted questions! Keep them coming!
Alright, so way back in the time before time...
In all seriousness, in addition to the other stuff I hinted at in my previous long winded post in this thread, I was also raised in a pretty religious, pretty conservative atmosphere. Way back then, I had the idea that a virgin was the best route to go. BUT, not for the apparent reasons.
I mean, think about it. If she'd never been with anyone else, then she wouldn't have any idea just how bad I was! Right?
My first actual PIV can be talked about since it was three months, twenty-two days, sixteen hours, and twenty-five minutes after I turned eighteen. But, who's counting? (Ok, I was. What of it?)
Since I've already inflicted that tale on everyone ("A First Timer's Tale"), all I will say is it was probably a really good thing she'd already been with one other person. Not least because she had no hymen to worry about.
While there was plenty more to the story I published about her after "Bring a Friend," I've pretty well been a coward about penning "Can We Talk?" since it was actually just about the worst possible foray into BDSM anyone could possibly imagine. Let's just say that it started from a place of anger and frustration and went to a place that was much more about control (to the point of micromanagement) than I am comfortable remembering, much less writing about. Sort of a "How-Not-To," if you will.
I don't know. I may eventually come back to it someday. But, not today. And for sure not here. All I will say was that it might have been better if one of us had had a bit more experience since it could have saved us from some pretty horrific mistakes. Then again, I suppose you only really get experience by making those horrific mistakes.
The girl in question, "Wendy" finally decided to leave me for the last time despite my hard limit that the next time she did (the ninth) would be the last. That I would not ever accept her back.
(Ironically, she found me in the library studying one day months later and I think was trying to get back in touch when I stood up and turned my back on her and walked away. Double irony, I was studying for my final in "Psy4021; Sexual Deviance.")
Any road, I wandered into... *cough*... a few other situations, some of which were one of the various *cough* shades of BDSM. And I was, perhaps, lucky enough that at least some of those partners were willing to "top from the bottom."
(I'll just mention here that with more than a little help [not to mention the hard way], I discovered I am not submissive in the slightest, not even a switch, and even topping me from the bottom was at best a tricky business.)
I was also an odd combination of nerd and athlete, so did a lot, a whole lot, of study on the side. This was, of course, pre-internet. And some of it was even pre-home computers really. So, I read a lot of books and a lot of magazines. I should hasten to add that while I did poke around in those magazines as well, I did spend rather more time in such as "Psychology Today" and so forth, the sort you used to find in the college stacks or on microfilm or fiche.
(And I will neither confirm nor deny just what else may or may not have happened in those self-same college stacks.
)The thing is... Well, part of the reason I never have really identified as a Dom is that I always felt I could take or leave the kinkier side of things depending on my partner. I still do, a bit. I mean, for me, it's not quite as much fun to pin her face down on the desk with her arms pinned behind her back, her skirt bunched around her hips, her panties in her mouth, and my fist in her hair as I pound rhythmically into her if she's not obviously enjoying being there. *shrug*
(*or struggling to get away if we have worked out the appeal of such a scenario to her beforehand.)
Obviously, most of those partners, especially the ones willing to top from the bottom, had rather more experience. I, personally, reject the term "slut" because I don't care for the negative connotation. Instead, I would just say that those ladies had a healthy appetite for sex and their own gratification and saw absolutely no reason not to pursue it with as many and as varied of partners as they saw fit. And, I personally have absolutely no problems with that since I was more than a bit of a "male slut."
As it happens, I did have the opportunity to "break in" a virgin, complete with an intact hymen. And amongst other things proved my theory that it is actually possible to broach an intact female not only virtually painlessly but make certain she climaxes not just once but several times during the experience.
The only thing she had any experience with prior was giving blowjobs. It took me a bit to retrain her there and break the bad habits she'd fallen into. But, everything else, yes. There was very, very little that could be done with a couple (one male [with absolutely no submissiveness] and one female) and I was gently steering her around to a group.
And then Love came walking in.
The thing is... Okay, Love was actually thirteen years older than me. However, I was... *ahem*... more than a little ahead of her in practical experiences. Not that she didn't have quite a bit of her own. I'm a bit hesitant even now to tell tales about what she shared with me of her life before me. Not least because she was really amazingly shy and retiring when I would let her get away with it. So, we'll just say she had about roughly half the experience I did despite a thirteen-year headstart and leave it at that.
Enough, at any rate, that she did know what she needed and what she wanted, even if I had to teach her it was alright to articulate it.
If you'd asked me this question several months ago... Hell, if you'd asked me just a month ago, I would have told you it didn't matter since there isn't ever going to be anyone else.
I have since come to terms that there is a potential for exactly one individual to bring me back to it. IF she should decide that she wants to. However, I still stand by the assertion that other than Little One, I've probably hung up my spurs other than some general chat and reminiscence. And as far as I'm concerned, she has exactly the right amount of experience.
But, at least I can discuss it in general terms. (Which may be a bad thing for some TLDR people.
)Any road, having kicked my tin can down the side of this road long enough to have been lucky enough to have a partner who was virginal and a couple that might have worn a matress strapped to their back and yelled "curb service!" As well as... er... a few in between. For me personally, I can see the appeal whatever her experience might be.
However... and again, this is just me... But, I think it's probably more wide open for a submissive to be generally clueless but willing to be coached than it is for a Dom/me. Which is perhaps unfair. I mean, how do you get to be experienced without having the opportunity to live through it? But, I can see, even from my own experiences, just how badly a first foray can go if neither the Dom nor the sub has any idea what they are doing. But, I guess at least the internet exists now. So, at least they wouldn't be as clueless as we were.
My personal taste though, I would have to say, still falls somewhere between "virginal and clueless" and "passed around like a book of matches" (which is unfair since I only have a few sticks left myself, but if she's got too much experience, I may still suffer by comparison
).But, yeah. For me, I like my submissive to have enough experience, whether practical or studied, to have at least some idea of what she enjoys, what she might enjoy, and what at least some of her hard limits are so that I know just what it is I have to work with.
Any road, it's probably past time I shut the hell up and let somebody else take the floor. After all, I'm a whole lot more interested in what some of you quiet folk have to say than my sorry and sore old ass.
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Farawyn
Guest
I wish Necro was still here to answer this. He had experience. I did not. I know it made me feel safe, and I don’t mind being trained. I like it. It makes me feel more submissive.
I deepthroat, but at my own pace. I am practicing, well, we are, getting face fucked. I’m doing it, most of the time,
, and I’ve always wanted to, but it was a huge struggle No one before him has done that. It’s fun learning, but again, he knows how hard to push me and when to stop. That’s communication. Experience. And not wanting puke on his cock.
elli1point1
Literotica Guru
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I've only ever been into guys older than me and the main thing I find attractive is experience and the confidence that comes with it. Not just in terms of sex, but in general. I tend to like men who are ahead of me in life in some way, who can teach me something.
Coincidentally, that goes quite well with the fact that I'm a sub (I'm really not sure whether the two things are related or not). I think I'd find it difficult to trust someone who has zero experience as a Dom, especially because I don't have much D/s experience myself. At the same time, I do enjoy it when we experience a 'first' together.
Paul_Chance
The Watcher
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2011
- Posts
- 21,434
All things being equal, I will go with experience. I think that just allows you to focus on the kink and enjoy it more. That may be more a reflection of my own age and experience than any true preference. I have been a persons first exploration of their particular kinks and there is a lot of enjoyment there too.
I don't "identify" into any of the categories of kink. Personally, I find it limiting to do so. In my experience no one person is all of anything. We, as human beings, don't fit neatly into categories. We've got tendencies and preferences, but they tend to be very fluid around the edges.
Category identify tends to push people into check-box sexuality. "I am a sub, therefore I must do (like, enjoy) X, Y, and Z". or "I am a Dom, therefore I must...". It is useful shorthand, and of course language and definitions are ways of signaling in-group status, so they are useful there, but as a roadmap for sexuality, well, it's a roadmap - and the map is not the journey.
I'll circle back a bit later and tell my "first experience" story.
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Farawyn
Guest
I think I was someone’s first foray, although we didn’t even realize it.
I was a HS senior, he was a college senior (legal, keep your pants on) and my self esteem was crap. I have large breasts, and when I was younger i had major body issues. We had hit it off, and I asked him to teach me to fuck. To suck. All of it.
He was really experienced for his age, so he did. I was definitely submissive, and he was a teacher/mentor/daddy type. We had lessons. I was graded. I got an A when he fell in love with me despite himself. Bossy, but we had a loving relationship and friendship.
We didn’t know it was D/s, but it was.
My next 2 long relationships, I was both older and more experienced. I was not submissive at all. I wasn’t overly happy, although lots of it was good. It didn’t GET me the way giving it all up does. Pretty much nothing like it.
However, it has nothing to do with age, because in my relationship now he is a good chunk of change younger than me, and he has both life experience and sexual experience, and I’m back to that submissive I loved.
I was a HS senior, he was a college senior (legal, keep your pants on) and my self esteem was crap. I have large breasts, and when I was younger i had major body issues. We had hit it off, and I asked him to teach me to fuck. To suck. All of it.
He was really experienced for his age, so he did. I was definitely submissive, and he was a teacher/mentor/daddy type. We had lessons. I was graded. I got an A when he fell in love with me despite himself. Bossy, but we had a loving relationship and friendship.
We didn’t know it was D/s, but it was.
My next 2 long relationships, I was both older and more experienced. I was not submissive at all. I wasn’t overly happy, although lots of it was good. It didn’t GET me the way giving it all up does. Pretty much nothing like it.
However, it has nothing to do with age, because in my relationship now he is a good chunk of change younger than me, and he has both life experience and sexual experience, and I’m back to that submissive I loved.
KimGordon67
Rampant feminist
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2014
- Posts
- 8,379
Funnily enough, I was thinking about this just yesterday. My in-charge guy is a fair bit more experienced than me, especially in a RL context. Prior to him, I'd only ever experienced what I would consider actual kink online/over the phone, so always with the safe distance of the biggest fuck-off ocean in the world between me and whoever I was 'with'. (I knew in my RL sex there were things I was wanting, but I'd never had the right context and/or the courage and/or the words to voice those things properly.)
The guy I'm with now has been around the block a few times - not numerically, but definitely in terms of experience. He lived with a sex workers for quite a while, so he's pretty familiar with all the strange things people ask for. And one woman he dated for quite a while was *really* into BDSM, to far greater extremes than I think I'll ever be. So that's sort of good, in that he understands things like safety with specific activities.
We've talked a bit about that experience, because every now and then I worry that I might be boring for him. But over time I've realised that 'more extreme' doesn't necessarily mean 'more intense', and this sort of harks back to something I said in response to the first question. When he was with her, he'd do things she asked for because that's what she wanted, but it wasn't really something he was into ... I mean, he'd get off, but being Very Domly wasn't really his thing. And when we first met, he said that, and so I just decided 'OK, that's not going to be part of the dynamic of this relationship, and that's fine', because the 'just sex' was pretty freaking awesome anyway (this was based on phone sex we had before meeting properly).
However, that's not how things worked out. Obviously. The first time we met, he just did one thing - he slid his fingers up my scalp, grabbed a fistful of hair, and pulled my head back, slowly and very very firmly. Such a little thing, compared to things he'd done before, but the intensity of it was breathtaking. And I could see it in his face too - not something he was doing because he thought I wanted it, but because HE wanted it.
So although he's technically 'more experienced', the whole relationship has been marked by constant discovery of things we both like, wrapped up in a real connection that adds a layer of ... well, intensity is the only word I can think of, even though it's now a bit over-used. I think that's been an important part of it - that we're working things out together, and trusting each other that that's going to be OK.
That was a slightly long-winded answer to the question.
I don't think I could imagine doing this stuff with someone who was a totally newbie. God knows where the total newbie Domly types go to work this stuff out.
Mei5ter
Fading
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There is something about watching a sub experience something amazing for the first time, and the thrill of knowing you’ve made that come about. There’s also something special about having a sub whose more experienced than me, and finding that there’s actually a trapdoor below what I’d previously thought was the lowest depth of sadism I could reach.
Do any subs actually prefer an inexperienced dom, though?
Do any subs actually prefer an inexperienced dom, though?
Paul_Chance
The Watcher
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2011
- Posts
- 21,434
Paul's First
So, I promised to pop back and tell the quick story of my "first time" in the BDSM world.
I was about 23. I was sexually experienced, but until this encounter my knowledge of BDSM was peripheral at best. I knew it was out there, but on my scale of sexual values it was a non-entity. I didn't "get it" but I also didn't spend any real time thinking about it.
I was with a co-worker, a young woman about my age, and we stopped for lunch at the house of some friends of hers. A very nice house with a great view of a sprawling river. The wife was home and we joined her for lunch. As we were sitting there talking and eating, my co-worker announced she was going to take a quick shower before we went back to work. I really didn't think anything of it. It was a hot western day and a shower seemed like a good idea.
She headed down the hallway and I sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee with the wife. After about ten minutes she said she was going to check and see that my co-worker had fresh towels. A couple of minutes later she came back and said my co-worker wanted to talk to me. I headed back.
I expected her fresh from the shower, probably dressed, wanting to talk about something work related before we went back to work. I came to the master bedroom, knocked politely on the door, and she told me to come in. I did. She wasn't in sight and her clothing was laid neatly on the bed and I could hear water running from the bathroom. She called me in. I expected her in a towel, redoing her makeup or her hair. I do admit I decided I was going to play it cool if she was in a towel, though part of me was looking forward to the sight.
I opened the door. Now, my coworker was about five foot five, in good shape, with long black hair she wore in a braid most of the time. She was native american, so she had this wonderful dark brown skin. I pushed the door wider and there she was....
Handcuffed.
To the shower head, dripping wet, her black hair plastered along her sleek body. I stood there just looking at her and I remember all she said was "please, close the door". I did. I honestly don't recall any other conversation, though I am sure something was said. In a few minutes I was in the shower with her, fucking her hard from behind as she dangled from the shower head, helpless. (Just the memory of it still arouses me.).
She was in a sub/master/mistress relationship with the couple who owned the house and, without my knowledge, they had all decided to invite me to come play with them. Well, I was hooked. It was the first time in my life I was aware of the sexual dynamics of the whole scene, consciously aware. The first I "got" what it was all about.
I played with them for about two years and was introduced to the local BDSM community as such. A lot of fond memories of people and acts and a growing awareness of what that particular set of kinks did for me, sexually and sensually. It was a great introduction and I am still casual friends with them, though the wife passed away a few years ago and their relationship as a triplet had long since ended.
So, I promised to pop back and tell the quick story of my "first time" in the BDSM world.
I was about 23. I was sexually experienced, but until this encounter my knowledge of BDSM was peripheral at best. I knew it was out there, but on my scale of sexual values it was a non-entity. I didn't "get it" but I also didn't spend any real time thinking about it.
I was with a co-worker, a young woman about my age, and we stopped for lunch at the house of some friends of hers. A very nice house with a great view of a sprawling river. The wife was home and we joined her for lunch. As we were sitting there talking and eating, my co-worker announced she was going to take a quick shower before we went back to work. I really didn't think anything of it. It was a hot western day and a shower seemed like a good idea.
She headed down the hallway and I sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee with the wife. After about ten minutes she said she was going to check and see that my co-worker had fresh towels. A couple of minutes later she came back and said my co-worker wanted to talk to me. I headed back.
I expected her fresh from the shower, probably dressed, wanting to talk about something work related before we went back to work. I came to the master bedroom, knocked politely on the door, and she told me to come in. I did. She wasn't in sight and her clothing was laid neatly on the bed and I could hear water running from the bathroom. She called me in. I expected her in a towel, redoing her makeup or her hair. I do admit I decided I was going to play it cool if she was in a towel, though part of me was looking forward to the sight.
I opened the door. Now, my coworker was about five foot five, in good shape, with long black hair she wore in a braid most of the time. She was native american, so she had this wonderful dark brown skin. I pushed the door wider and there she was....
Handcuffed.
To the shower head, dripping wet, her black hair plastered along her sleek body. I stood there just looking at her and I remember all she said was "please, close the door". I did. I honestly don't recall any other conversation, though I am sure something was said. In a few minutes I was in the shower with her, fucking her hard from behind as she dangled from the shower head, helpless. (Just the memory of it still arouses me.).
She was in a sub/master/mistress relationship with the couple who owned the house and, without my knowledge, they had all decided to invite me to come play with them. Well, I was hooked. It was the first time in my life I was aware of the sexual dynamics of the whole scene, consciously aware. The first I "got" what it was all about.
I played with them for about two years and was introduced to the local BDSM community as such. A lot of fond memories of people and acts and a growing awareness of what that particular set of kinks did for me, sexually and sensually. It was a great introduction and I am still casual friends with them, though the wife passed away a few years ago and their relationship as a triplet had long since ended.
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PrettyLilPussy
Guest
Wow ya'll there are so many good answers and stories here today! Ive skimmed everything but been busy with "life" so i cant wait to dig in and figure my own answer out!!
Thanks again to all the participators!
Thanks again to all the participators!
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ultramarineblue
Indefinable
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- Mar 23, 2008
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- 3,858
I don't mind an inexperienced Dom as long as there is good communication and a connection. I'm not sure how I'd classify myself except as somewhat experienced. Most of my firsts have been with more experienced Doms, one extremely experienced and others that were somewhat more experienced than me. With knife play, I wanted someone that really knew what they were doing. I really want to learn more myself, especially about tying rope and controlling impact implements.
Mei5ter
Fading
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That is a very good question, and I’d love to hear any answers...
Let’s just say that at college I’d have considered myself a perfectly normal, caring, affectionate boyfriend. And except for those moments where they were being tied up to things, or having her hair played with and pulled, or having the back of a hairbrush smacked on her ass, I think any of my girlfriends would have agreed. But in the heat of the moment, that was the direction I instinctively found myself going.
If you’d called me a sadist I’d have been horrified, and BDSM just meant weirdos wearing too much latex. But I think it’s either in you, or it isn’t.
A
Angedesoleil
Guest
I really appreciate reading everyone else's replies:
Experience!
How important is it in a partner? Do you prefer someone with lots of experience with different types of play, partners, etc? Or do you like "training" someone for the first time? Have you ever been someone's first foray into BDSM? (Feel free to share your first experience - within the rules) How does your partner's experience level or the way you identify (Dom, sub, swith) factor in to your play?
ok in parts:
How important is it in a partner?
Before this summer I'd have said not at all. I was wrong. Now before you get out the pitchforks or the pompoms let me explain.
I think that UMB hit the nail on the head as did Kim if I remember correctly. The KIND of play and speed at which it progresses can vary and must vary WILDLY based upon experience, from both sides.
If you have a seriously experienced Dom and a newbie sub if he is ethical at all he will pace things much slower and have a much greater emphasis on getting her response than if that same dom has a sub who knows exactly what she likes and how she responds to things. Yes, He still has to check in and yes it is still a learning curve... but it's a whole nother ball game. No better no worse, just different.
Other side: if you have a newbie Dom with an experienced submissive she can certainly help to guide him a bit. To make sure she is far more vocal but HERE is the rub. I can only talk from my own experience here...
I've been the submissive for a very experienced Dom and for a right out of the gate first irl experience ... the difference was in ability to let GO!
With the Dom who knew his shit I was able to completely let go and just *be* I didnt have to think about if he was going to do things right or manage to hurt me in the process. Yes, I had to communicate... but I was able to let go differently.
With the fresh out of the gate Dom I trusted him as a decision of my will but when something happened that shook that trust I came right back to my own self. It is kinda like sleeping as a new mom. You dont really SLEEP. You sleep with one eye and one ear open.
This is not necessarily a detraction.... it is just a fact of my own ability to submit. This may be a detraction on ME. *shrug*
Do you prefer someone with lots of experience with different types of play, partners, etc? Or do you like "training" someone for the first time?
I prefer someone with experience. if it is something that requires skill I want him to know what he is doing. Yes, I'm willing to be the guinea pig... but in that case I'd venture that I'd actually appreciate doing that type of play in a workshop venue. (I'm thinking like if he wanted to try impact play and he didnt know the first thing about it...there is only so much you can learn from a book ***spoken from experience with a Dom who claimed he knew EXACTLY what he was doing and learned it all from a book in reality. Lesson. Learned. ***
so in that case or in the case of more extreme types of sensation play, rope bondage, or edge play yeah.... let's go somewhere and learn together K? k.
If it is gentler play yeah I think it is adorable to be with someone their first go. I'm looking directly at a specific person and saying to him...
You are awesome. You are a good man. I really really enjoyed our time. We both know we could have communicated a bit better with eachother before and after (during was great). We both know we were more worried about embarassing the other or silly things... we can and will do better in future. I think you are EXACTLY where you are supposed to be (though I think there are some things you really really really should do some introspection about.... ) and you truly did do a fantastic job of handling the submit in me. BRAVO. I also appreciate you for reaffirming for me that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be. That it isnt in my head it isnt a housewife fantasy... that this is where I feel most alive most real. Thank you for that as well.
Have you ever been someone's first foray into BDSM? (Feel free to share your first experience - within the rules)
Yes, I have. Once upon a time well twice upon a time. LOL. er three?
LOL.
Yes... I'm Sir's first forray and only forray into it. Though we have a nonsexual relationship. *mostly*. Non kink *mostly.* It is D/s primarily. I am only able to do so much exploring with him as he really isnt interested in growing himself as a dominant... just in handling what I need from him. Teaching me trust, working on my self acceptance, working on my inner rubric etc.
I have also been someone else's first forray into irl. He was online for longer than I've been into ANYTHING... but online only >.> I think? yeah? idk. Anyrate... it was a great experience. I've grown a lot from it. I hope he has too. I certainly learned a lot about myself. Though the responsibility was HUGE once that reality set in. The mistake I made was to pussy foot around the negotiations for fear of scaring him off.... or embarrassing him or me. Rookie mistake. I screwed it up big time and it led to huge problems after.
Thank you for this question <3
Experience!
How important is it in a partner? Do you prefer someone with lots of experience with different types of play, partners, etc? Or do you like "training" someone for the first time? Have you ever been someone's first foray into BDSM? (Feel free to share your first experience - within the rules) How does your partner's experience level or the way you identify (Dom, sub, swith) factor in to your play?
ok in parts:
How important is it in a partner?
Before this summer I'd have said not at all. I was wrong. Now before you get out the pitchforks or the pompoms let me explain.
I think that UMB hit the nail on the head as did Kim if I remember correctly. The KIND of play and speed at which it progresses can vary and must vary WILDLY based upon experience, from both sides.
If you have a seriously experienced Dom and a newbie sub if he is ethical at all he will pace things much slower and have a much greater emphasis on getting her response than if that same dom has a sub who knows exactly what she likes and how she responds to things. Yes, He still has to check in and yes it is still a learning curve... but it's a whole nother ball game. No better no worse, just different.
Other side: if you have a newbie Dom with an experienced submissive she can certainly help to guide him a bit. To make sure she is far more vocal but HERE is the rub. I can only talk from my own experience here...
I've been the submissive for a very experienced Dom and for a right out of the gate first irl experience ... the difference was in ability to let GO!
With the Dom who knew his shit I was able to completely let go and just *be* I didnt have to think about if he was going to do things right or manage to hurt me in the process. Yes, I had to communicate... but I was able to let go differently.
With the fresh out of the gate Dom I trusted him as a decision of my will but when something happened that shook that trust I came right back to my own self. It is kinda like sleeping as a new mom. You dont really SLEEP. You sleep with one eye and one ear open.
This is not necessarily a detraction.... it is just a fact of my own ability to submit. This may be a detraction on ME. *shrug*
Do you prefer someone with lots of experience with different types of play, partners, etc? Or do you like "training" someone for the first time?
I prefer someone with experience. if it is something that requires skill I want him to know what he is doing. Yes, I'm willing to be the guinea pig... but in that case I'd venture that I'd actually appreciate doing that type of play in a workshop venue. (I'm thinking like if he wanted to try impact play and he didnt know the first thing about it...there is only so much you can learn from a book ***spoken from experience with a Dom who claimed he knew EXACTLY what he was doing and learned it all from a book in reality. Lesson. Learned. ***
so in that case or in the case of more extreme types of sensation play, rope bondage, or edge play yeah.... let's go somewhere and learn together K? k.
If it is gentler play yeah I think it is adorable to be with someone their first go. I'm looking directly at a specific person and saying to him...
You are awesome. You are a good man. I really really enjoyed our time. We both know we could have communicated a bit better with eachother before and after (during was great). We both know we were more worried about embarassing the other or silly things... we can and will do better in future. I think you are EXACTLY where you are supposed to be (though I think there are some things you really really really should do some introspection about.... ) and you truly did do a fantastic job of handling the submit in me. BRAVO. I also appreciate you for reaffirming for me that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be. That it isnt in my head it isnt a housewife fantasy... that this is where I feel most alive most real. Thank you for that as well.
Have you ever been someone's first foray into BDSM? (Feel free to share your first experience - within the rules)
Yes, I have. Once upon a time well twice upon a time. LOL. er three?
LOL.
Yes... I'm Sir's first forray and only forray into it. Though we have a nonsexual relationship. *mostly*. Non kink *mostly.* It is D/s primarily. I am only able to do so much exploring with him as he really isnt interested in growing himself as a dominant... just in handling what I need from him. Teaching me trust, working on my self acceptance, working on my inner rubric etc.
I have also been someone else's first forray into irl. He was online for longer than I've been into ANYTHING... but online only >.> I think? yeah? idk. Anyrate... it was a great experience. I've grown a lot from it. I hope he has too. I certainly learned a lot about myself. Though the responsibility was HUGE once that reality set in. The mistake I made was to pussy foot around the negotiations for fear of scaring him off.... or embarrassing him or me. Rookie mistake. I screwed it up big time and it led to huge problems after.
Thank you for this question <3
cookiecat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2006
- Posts
- 22,045
cookiecat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2006
- Posts
- 22,045
The bolded parts.
When looking for a specific experience (fire play, single tail, needle play) I looked for people in the community who were considered proficient and didn't mind sharing their skills with enthusiastic bottoms.
I was in relationship where my partner didnt have a ton of technical experience with implements but his attitude was kinky and dominant as heck. I had more experience in the toy department. Like ultramarineblue said - because we had an amazing connection, we could a lot about what worked, he was open to me showing him what I knew and it was really satisfying experimenting together.
When I was new to all of this, I tended to seek out partners with more experience just because I had no clue. My sense is they probably sought me out for that reason.
What bugs the everloving shit out of me is now that I am more experienced, I've noticed a lot of D-types ONLY want inexperienced s-types. At my most cynical, it feels icky. At best, well. Not sure.
I'd like to hear from more Dominants / Tops. Would you prefer a sub / bottom with experience? Or no?
PrisonerOfDoubt
Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2018
- Posts
- 69
YES! Why this? I have noticed this too. It doesn't bother me so much as it puzzles me.
A
Angedesoleil
Guest
I'm guessing "hard to teach an old dog new tricks"
P
PrettyLilPussy
Guest
I would, again, like to thank everyone for their thoughts and transparency. I'm the absolute worst to lead a thread like this but I'm going to take the new kid in school role. You know that kid that always raises their hands and asks the dumbest questions? Yeah that's me! Hi!
I will say it's always nice to hear from the other side. I've noticed how much more open to sharing people from one end of the spectrum is compared to the other. I'm not sure why but I'd really like to read your thoughts and pick your brains.
gracie920101
Lurker 2.0
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2016
- Posts
- 6,477
I would theorize that the very nature of play affects the amount of posts you see from a Top/PYL. (No slight intended by omitting additional or subsequent labels)
Since in their respective roles, one role of the Top is to observe and absorb while a bottom is expected to communicate so a Top may ensure safe play.
Wouldn't that very behaviour permeate other aspects of daily life and attitude?
There is no true way to prove this theory without having access to the lurker's profiles for this thread. But anonymity and voyeurism are some of the beautiful things about Lit. One doesn't have to participate if you don't feel like it.
Miles Long
Fuck victoriously!
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2005
- Posts
- 21,358
How long in between questions? I have lots to say about experience but it will probably take me a few days. Will I be too late?
P
PrettyLilPussy
Guest
You have till Thursday but there's no cut off.
