just curious : gratification of being a dom

I have always been very interested to know about the psychology of a dom.I mean, is this a sexual pleasure or just a psychological pleasure to dominate one? this question is particularly significant in case of virtual D/s relation, how can a master/mistress get fun when their subs follow their orders?well, I know that making one follow orders provides a sense of power ( i do believe that brain is the biggest sexual organ) .but then, roughly handling partner's body & making her follow orders are two different things according to me.I myself has come across different individuals who were very eager to dominate me.when I informed them that I am not a natural sub, rather they have to confront me first, all of them shied away.most of them admitted that they were not doms in real.They were just trying to vent their personal frustration out on me by using my masochist fantasies.
I have a few more questions to add to.does a dom is a dom in his real life?do doms just enact their roll to please their partners only or do they get real pleasure in torturing/humiliating?
I am not a sub but I do enjoy being forced to expose to stranger women, enthralling adventures per se.my fun lies in humiliation (not torture ) at hand of other women, obviously within the level of viability.all these started at my teenage when i was blackmailed by my female maid.she never made me serve her, she never got herself undressed.she used to touch me very rarely.her fun lied in humiliating & exposing me ( well at a later stage when i found out that I am a masochist, i started to enjoy my humiliation at her hands). it is quite obvious that her pleasure was complete psychological, kinda revenge sort of thing.obviously none of us were aware of bdsm at that age.

You won't be surprised to hear that the answer will be different for everyone. Some people say that people often take sexual roles the opposite of their daytime roles: the cliche of the CEO who pays to be whipped after work. I've not known it so often the other way round, though, in almost ten years' experience - that is to say, I can understand wanting to abdicate responsibility for those who have demanding jobs and being a sub/slave/bottom, but I can imagine it must be hard to be really mentally and emotionally dominant if one's real life work is soul-crushing and one is a powerless wage-slave. (I don't say it's impossible, of course - just that most Doms I've known, especially male ones, tend to be reasonably well-educated with fairly decent jobs, etc. Sadists, of course, working out some private psychosexual feelings, is a different matter.) I've never been anything but dominant since first knowing that it was a known attribute, and probably unconsciously long before that, and I've been lucky enough to have responsible and demanding work all my adult life. I wouldn't want to 'switch off'.

It's a wonderful world out there, and there are others here who could tell you far more about it, as well as excellent websites (in the UK, those run by Tanos are well worth exploring, and go into some thoughtful explorations of ideas). Speaking personally, the turn-on for me is the control of pleasure, and it's a tactile as well as a mental thing. I'm not a sadist - it's never interested me - but physical and mental control are fascinating, and there is no greater compliment than watching a woman's barriers come down, one by one, as you step together into a new border country. However many times you have enacted a particular scene, tied a particular knot, or whispered a certain phrase, it is forged anew in the shared experience of each particular moment, and the land you reach together is always unexplored, boundless, virgin territory.

As free human beings our autonomy is our most precious possession. To loan that to someone else - let alone hand it to them, as in some astonishing Master-slave dynamics I know of - is the most astonishing gift of trust one can make. I don't think I'll ever cease my sense of wonder at sensing that metaphorical placing of the hand in mine.

bi_sub_lady_doc said:

I mean, is this a sexual pleasure or just a psychological pleasure to dominate one?

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Yes.

this question is particularly significant in case of virtual D/s relation, how can a master/mistress get fun when their subs follow their orders?well, I know that making one follow orders provides a sense of power ( i do believe that brain is the biggest sexual organ) .but then, roughly handling partner's body & making her follow orders are two different things according to me.

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Anal sex and blowjob are different things, too, yet some people enjoy both, some people hate either one and both activities are grouped under 'sexual activities'.

I myself has come across different individuals who were very eager to dominate me.when I informed them that I am not a natural sub, rather they have to confront me first, all of them shied away.

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If I have to choose between a sexual assault charge or pulling away, I usually do the latter, too. Some kind of play is reserved for a dungeon or for people who are very familiar and forcing someone to submit belongs in this category, in my opinion.

does a dom is a dom in his real life?

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As far as I can tell, yes. Unlike submissives, who often take control in real life, doms rarely give up control in real life. Just my experience.

do doms just enact their roll to please their partners only or do they get real pleasure in torturing/humiliating?

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"Does a submissive just suck a cock to please him or does she enjoy it?"

bi_sub_lady_doc said:

Is this a sexual pleasure or just a psychological pleasure to dominate one?

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Difficult question to answer. While the Dominant can derive sexual pleasure by sexually dominating a submissive, I would say it still is more psychological than anything sexual. For instance, you can bind your submissive then "use" their body for sex, but is it the act of sex that is more pleasurable or is it the psychological aspect that is more pleasurable??
My opinion is that even in that aspect, it is less sexual, obviously.

This question is particularly significant in case of virtual D/s relation, how can a master/mistress get fun when their subs follow their orders?

Click to expand...

Primarily, based on my previous answer, the psychological aspect is something that would easily work with virtual relationships. However, I am of the opinion that virtual relationships don't work for the dominant because, it allocates them to the role of a spectator, and in my mind, a dominant is someone who initiates things and doesn't spectate.

For this reason, for myself, virtual domination doesn't work.

Does a dom, [act like] a dom in [their] real life?

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I can't answer for everyone, but I tend to believe that most dominants act in some part dominant in their real life. They aren't inclined to haul an adult over their knee and spank them for acting like a foolish child, but they are probably thinking it, somewhere along the line.

Once, I had a hair dresser who clipped my ear with her scissors. I didn't make much of a fuss about it, it didn't break skin, but I mentioned it to ask her to be more careful. She proceeded to clip my ear once more, which I mentioned again. She said something to me that seemed ...rather bratty (I forget exactly what). I replied in a half joking/playful way lightly suggestive of D/s. She did clip my ear again a third time after that. I didn't turn my head, but locked my eyes on hers. I tend to feel I communicate my feelings very well with my eyes. I think she got a very good clue, what might happen if it happened again. I'm not sure but I had a distinct feeling she was into D/s herself and was testing me. Either that or she was just a nervous rookie. I decided on the latter.

However, when a police officer pulls you over for speeding, it does not mean you exert your dominating personality and make her grovel at your feet.
That idea DOES seem pleasurable to me though, but even trying it would result in:
A) likely being arrested for harassing an officer of the law
B) probably being laughed at

Do doms just enact their roll to please their partners only or do they get real pleasure in torturing/humiliating?

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I don't think you phrased the options correctly there. A dominant doesn't try to please their partner. They try to please themselves and, hopefully, enact their desires on a willing supplicant. Each Dominant is different though in how they derive their pleasure from dominating someone.
Myself, I am very sadistic and while I don't enjoy humiliating a woman I DO enjoy torturing her. Most times that is a roller coaster ride of ups and downs.
However, not all dominants derive any pleasure from sadism. Some seek merely to control and don't derive much pleasure from inflicting harm for real or imagined faults on the part of the submissive. They merely enjoy satisfaction from bending another to their will.

I am not a sub but I do enjoy being forced...

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I think you have a misconception as to what it means to be a "sub." My own interpretation of this is, simply, that you seek to submit to another. It doesn't necessitate meaning you enjoy receiving pain anymore than being a dominant means that you enjoy inflicting pain.
It does not mean you are a mindless cow to be led around and not be allowed to have an opinion as to your fate (though there are some who DO wish that, it doesn't mean everyone is like that).

bi_sub_lady_doc said:

I am not a sub but I do enjoy being forced to expose to stranger women

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I believe you would be dominant bottom by Stella definition. Not a sub. You are directing and organizing your fantasy and no matter how degrading it may be, you still have a control over it.

Primalex said:

"Does a submissive just suck a cock to please him or does she enjoy it?"

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I enjoy sucking cock anyhow. But to please him I wont bite it off.
Am I a submissive now?

The consensus of the post so far seems to be that sexual Dominants are Dominant in real life. Is this really the case? For some reason I find this surprising. I've seen so much commentary on submissives who don't take submissive positions in real life it seems like switching roles is common.

If it is true would that mean RL control wielding submissives were, in actual fact, dominant bottoms?

Somehow my definitions feel like they're going wonky.

bi_sub_lady_doc said:

This a sexual pleasure or just a psychological pleasure to dominate one? this question is particularly significant in case of virtual D/s relation, how can a master/mistress get fun when their subs follow their orders?

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LWulf said:

However, I am of the opinion that virtual relationships don't work for the dominant because, it allocates them to the role of a spectator, and in my mind, a dominant is someone who initiates things and doesn't spectate.

For this reason, for myself, virtual domination doesn't work.

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Thank you for this. I've been slow to dip into online play and haven't been able to put my finger on why. I still can't quite verbalize my doubts about the emotional satisfaction of the online submission process , but initiate versus spectate works just fine for the Dominant role.

StrayKat said:

I enjoy sucking cock anyhow. But to please him I wont bite it off.
Am I a submissive now?

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SK, no one, nowhere, nohow would ever suggest you were a submissive!

LWulf said:

Difficult question to answer. While the Dominant can derive sexual pleasure by sexually dominating a submissive, I would say it still is more psychological than anything sexual. For instance, you can bind your submissive then "use" their body for sex, but is it the act of sex that is more pleasurable or is it the psychological aspect that is more pleasurable??
My opinion is that even in that aspect, it is less sexual, obviously.



Primarily, based on my previous answer, the psychological aspect is something that would easily work with virtual relationships. However, I am of the opinion that virtual relationships don't work for the dominant because, it allocates them to the role of a spectator, and in my mind, a dominant is someone who initiates things and doesn't spectate.

For this reason, for myself, virtual domination doesn't work.



I can't answer for everyone, but I tend to believe that most dominants act in some part dominant in their real life. They aren't inclined to haul an adult over their knee and spank them for acting like a foolish child, but they are probably thinking it, somewhere along the line.

Once, I had a hair dresser who clipped my ear with her scissors. I didn't make much of a fuss about it, it didn't break skin, but I mentioned it to ask her to be more careful. She proceeded to clip my ear once more, which I mentioned again. She said something to me that seemed ...rather bratty (I forget exactly what). I replied in a half joking/playful way lightly suggestive of D/s. She did clip my ear again a third time after that. I didn't turn my head, but locked my eyes on hers. I tend to feel I communicate my feelings very well with my eyes. I think she got a very good clue, what might happen if it happened again. I'm not sure but I had a distinct feeling she was into D/s herself and was testing me. Either that or she was just a nervous rookie. I decided on the latter.

However, when a police officer pulls you over for speeding, it does not mean you exert your dominating personality and make her grovel at your feet.
That idea DOES seem pleasurable to me though, but even trying it would result in:
A) likely being arrested for harassing an officer of the law
B) probably being laughed at



I don't think you phrased the options correctly there. A dominant doesn't try to please their partner. They try to please themselves and, hopefully, enact their desires on a willing supplicant. Each Dominant is different though in how they derive their pleasure from dominating someone.
Myself, I am very sadistic and while I don't enjoy humiliating a woman I DO enjoy torturing her. Most times that is a roller coaster ride of ups and downs.
However, not all dominants derive any pleasure from sadism. Some seek merely to control and don't derive much pleasure from inflicting harm for real or imagined faults on the part of the submissive. They merely enjoy satisfaction from bending another to their will.



I think you have a misconception as to what it means to be a "sub." My own interpretation of this is, simply, that you seek to submit to another. It doesn't necessitate meaning you enjoy receiving pain anymore than being a dominant means that you enjoy inflicting pain.
It does not mean you are a mindless cow to be led around and not be allowed to have an opinion as to your fate (though there are some who DO wish that, it doesn't mean everyone is like that).

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your explanations perfectly meet my quest to find answers.thank you

StrayKat said:

I believe you would be dominant bottom by Stella definition. Not a sub. You are directing and organizing your fantasy and no matter how degrading it may be, you still have a control over it.

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yes, “dominant bottom“ is the perfect term to describe me.
i did enjoy humiliation at the hands of my maid.but when she went overboard, i turned the table.no, i didn‘t switch.i just kicked her out.so, though i love to enact as a sub, still i am the one to dictate terms.it‘s about my pleasure precisely.

DesEsseintes said:

You won't be surprised to hear that the answer will be different for everyone. Some people say that people often take sexual roles the opposite of their daytime roles: the cliche of the CEO who pays to be whipped after work. I've not known it so often the other way round, though, in almost ten years' experience - that is to say, I can understand wanting to abdicate responsibility for those who have demanding jobs and being a sub/slave/bottom, but I can imagine it must be hard to be really mentally and emotionally dominant if one's real life work is soul-crushing and one is a powerless wage-slave. (I don't say it's impossible, of course - just that most Doms I've known, especially male ones, tend to be reasonably well-educated with fairly decent jobs, etc. Sadists, of course, working out some private psychosexual feelings, is a different matter.) I've never been anything but dominant since first knowing that it was a known attribute, and probably unconsciously long before that, and I've been lucky enough to have responsible and demanding work all my adult life. I wouldn't want to 'switch off'.

It's a wonderful world out there, and there are others here who could tell you far more about it, as well as excellent websites (in the UK, those run by Tanos are well worth exploring, and go into some thoughtful explorations of ideas). Speaking personally, the turn-on for me is the control of pleasure, and it's a tactile as well as a mental thing. I'm not a sadist - it's never interested me - but physical and mental control are fascinating, and there is no greater compliment than watching a woman's barriers come down, one by one, as you step together into a new border country. However many times you have enacted a particular scene, tied a particular knot, or whispered a certain phrase, it is forged anew in the shared experience of each particular moment, and the land you reach together is always unexplored, boundless, virgin territory.

As free human beings our autonomy is our most precious possession. To loan that to someone else - let alone hand it to them, as in some astonishing Master-slave dynamics I know of - is the most astonishing gift of trust one can make. I don't think I'll ever cease my sense of wonder at sensing that metaphorical placing of the hand in mine.

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thank you for your elaborate answer

LWulf said:

Difficult question to answer. While the Dominant can derive sexual pleasure by sexually dominating a submissive, I would say it still is more psychological than anything sexual. For instance, you can bind your submissive then "use" their body for sex, but is it the act of sex that is more pleasurable or is it the psychological aspect that is more pleasurable??
My opinion is that even in that aspect, it is less sexual, obviously.



Primarily, based on my previous answer, the psychological aspect is something that would easily work with virtual relationships. However, I am of the opinion that virtual relationships don't work for the dominant because, it allocates them to the role of a spectator, and in my mind, a dominant is someone who initiates things and doesn't spectate.

For this reason, for myself, virtual domination doesn't work.



I can't answer for everyone, but I tend to believe that most dominants act in some part dominant in their real life. They aren't inclined to haul an adult over their knee and spank them for acting like a foolish child, but they are probably thinking it, somewhere along the line.

Once, I had a hair dresser who clipped my ear with her scissors. I didn't make much of a fuss about it, it didn't break skin, but I mentioned it to ask her to be more careful. She proceeded to clip my ear once more, which I mentioned again. She said something to me that seemed ...rather bratty (I forget exactly what). I replied in a half joking/playful way lightly suggestive of D/s. She did clip my ear again a third time after that. I didn't turn my head, but locked my eyes on hers. I tend to feel I communicate my feelings very well with my eyes. I think she got a very good clue, what might happen if it happened again. I'm not sure but I had a distinct feeling she was into D/s herself and was testing me. Either that or she was just a nervous rookie. I decided on the latter.

However, when a police officer pulls you over for speeding, it does not mean you exert your dominating personality and make her grovel at your feet.
That idea DOES seem pleasurable to me though, but even trying it would result in:
A) likely being arrested for harassing an officer of the law
B) probably being laughed at



I don't think you phrased the options correctly there. A dominant doesn't try to please their partner. They try to please themselves and, hopefully, enact their desires on a willing supplicant. Each Dominant is different though in how they derive their pleasure from dominating someone.
Myself, I am very sadistic and while I don't enjoy humiliating a woman I DO enjoy torturing her. Most times that is a roller coaster ride of ups and downs.
However, not all dominants derive any pleasure from sadism. Some seek merely to control and don't derive much pleasure from inflicting harm for real or imagined faults on the part of the submissive. They merely enjoy satisfaction from bending another to their will.



I think you have a misconception as to what it means to be a "sub." My own interpretation of this is, simply, that you seek to submit to another. It doesn't necessitate meaning you enjoy receiving pain anymore than being a dominant means that you enjoy inflicting pain.
It does not mean you are a mindless cow to be led around and not be allowed to have an opinion as to your fate (though there are some who DO wish that, it doesn't mean everyone is like that).

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you should have complained against the hair dresser.

Endless_Night;579676 I've seen so much commentary on submissives who don't take submissive positions in real life it seems like switching roles is common. If it [I said:

is[/I] true would that mean RL control wielding submissives were, in actual fact, dominant bottoms? :confused.

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that is the case behind my masochist fantasy, i.e. a solace from my high demanding job in form of submission in sex & my wish to experiment with my limits.it‘s about to please myself.

Endless_Night said:

SK, no one, nowhere, nohow would ever suggest you were a submissive!

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Oh I dont know, dearie, some guys seem to be pretty confident they can flip me over

bi_sub_lady_doc said:

you should have complained against the hair dresser.

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That is how many people handle things. I take a more personal and personable approach.

The way I look at it, if I complain, then A) the person might lose their job which means they didn't learn anything, B) the manager will blow off what I say which means the person will not learn anything and C) It lowers my standing to the employee.

This last point is critical because it could have two affects as a result, 1) they might look at the employer as being more important. To me, the customer is most important. This is something that most managers don't impress on their employees nowadays. Business then falls off and who does that really help? 2) the employee gets fired or dressed down, humiliated by their employer and want to retaliate when they see you again, or perhaps treat the next random customer poorly because they think all customers are the same.
Again, this doesn't help anyone.

Treat it personally, and they might actually appreciate your "keeping it on the QT" and they might actually work harder to impress you next time.

Of course there is also the chance they will continue to mess up, repeating the same mistakes all over again. In that regard, then the answer is either they are poorly suited for the job, or they ARE into D/s.

In the end, I am a very forgiving person. I accept that people make mistakes, nobody is perfect. They have "undo" on all computer programs for a reason. I treat people in life, the same as I do when I am in a relationship.

I am very simple minded in that way.

LWulf said:

or they ARE into D/s.

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Even if they are, who would want that kind of sub?

StrayKat said:

Even if they are, who would want that kind of sub?

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Indeed. Flirting on the job? Mayyybe... but not like that.

StrayKat said:

Even if they are, who would want that kind of sub?

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Some people want completely compliant perfect never balking sort of submissives. I like a spitfire.

There is two porn stars, one is Flame (not penny flame or any others that followed her). the other is more a D/s only fetish star (Amber "Pixie" Wells). Both are nearly identical in mannerisms.

Flame was into porn but then went into fetish.

My point is, there was a Domme she submitted to once and while some of the "rules" were for her well being (i.e. not moving around too much), she seemed to find reasons to cause more distress to her Domme. Flame just kept smiling and egging her on. At the end of which, the Domme said "I can't train you properly" and walked off.

Pixie is similar, though not as much.

My point is, some would call this topping from the bottom, while others would call them simply a brat. It depends on your level of tolerance.

I had one submissive who tried incessantly to top from the bottom. I apparently have a higher level of tolerance than you, even enjoying that sort of brattiness, but it is not an ever-full fount of tolerance (even I have a limit).

:shrug:

In short, I would.
(duh! "single old guy" )

edit: granted, those are movies that are generally scripted, and the actresses are paid to perform according to the director, etc. but I'm just saying that personality type is what I look for.
Also, I think the actress wouldn't be able to sell it as well if they didn't have that personality to begin with.

There was another actress predating Flame and that was Goldie/Mia Moon. She wrote the book on bratting. I don't know anybody who ever outbrat her and I don't know a top who ever kept her in control. She had a tolerance for pain unlike any other ...either that or just plain stubbornness.

To each their own but for me that is not a spitfire. That is irresponsible and clumsy worker who apparently cant tell a game for a job. Even a brat should know better, imo.

I know what spitfire is, I am the one. That doesnt come even close.

Oh and about brats. You are right. I cant stand brats.
They remind me of my mother and her father who developed histrionics and attention whoring to an art.

StrayKat said:

To each their own but for me that is not a spitfire. That is irresponsible and clumsy worker who apparently cant tell a game for a job. Even a brat should know better, imo.

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And so should the customers- a person's service job is not your sex scene. A waitperson in a restaurant is not your sex object, nor is a hairdresser in a salon, nor is the plumber.

I could never be that kind of brat-- because I really want the scene I'm getting into-- Nor do i think I have the physical stamina for it anymore anyway-- but I admit, I relish the notion of bratting until someone just ropes me into a tight little ball of dread and anticipation.

StrayKat said:

To each their own but for me that is not a spitfire. That is irresponsible and clumsy worker who apparently cant tell a game for a job. Even a brat should know better, imo.

I know what spitfire is, I am the one. That doesn't come even close.

Oh and about brats. You are right. I cant stand brats.
They remind me of my mother and her father who developed histrionics and attention whoring to an art.

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The problem is, you are taking my either/or example, mixing it together and saying "who would want that?" I addressing your question in the parameters of the model I stated. I responded to the question based on it being "either," not "either AND or."

Now, she is EITHER a brat (who is into d/s) who was flirting at work, OR a rookie. As I said before, I reasoned she was a rookie.

You also seem to have a like minded concept of what a brat is with Stella. This is not my definition of a brat.

Either way I tire of this discussion.

LWulf said:

The problem is, you are taking my either/or example, mixing it together and saying "who would want that?" I addressing your question in the parameters of the model I stated. I responded to the question based on it being "either," not "either AND or."

Now, she is EITHER a brat (who is into d/s) who was flirting at work, OR a rookie. As I said before, I reasoned she was a rookie.

You also seem to have a like minded concept of what a brat is with Stella. This is not my definition of a brat.

Either way I tire of this discussion.

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I am not mixing anything. I am taking your example A to present my opinion that what you see as brattish and cute flirting is something completely unacceptable from a worker dealing with a customer point of view. For me. If you enjoy having your ear cut of at hairdresser because you think she is just the babygirl you need, knock yourself out and justify it however you want. I still see it as irresponsible, ignorant service person.

Brat is a brat. How many definitions of brat do we need?
The point here is not a definition but preferences. I have zero tolerance for brats, you like them. It is fine, to each their own.

As long as my hairdresser, waiter and a boy in grocery shop act as responsible professionals. If they dont they are not suited for the job and I will have them fired. No matter how cute or into D/s they are or how horny I am. Because the next person may not be so impressed with their lack of working and social skills.

Stella_Omega said:

I relish the notion of bratting until someone just ropes me into a tight little ball of dread and anticipation.

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Some people like brats and some people like to be brats. Nothing wrong with that. I personally dont like it because family, just reminds me too much of brattish behavior in inappropriate context.
But as long as you are consensual adults enjoying your thing, I am happy for you.

As Ms StrayKat points out, what works for one won't work for all, but I've never understood the appeal of a brat to a Dom(me). I suppose it can be fun if one is a sadist, on the grounds that the subsequent punishments build and build. If I'm interested in gaining control over someone, I can cope with someone making mistakes, or having concerns or fears. In fact, I'd worry if someone didn't have that, because it might indicate they weren't serious about the journey they would be undertaking. But brattishness isn't that. Brattishness - to me, anyway - says, 'Make me.'

Perhaps I was a teacher for too long, but I don't see this as charming: I see it as entitled. Without being arrogant, there are plenty of people who would like to explore ideas of submission and control, and who are prepared to show a little respect, in the same way that I will respect them. Manners may not quite 'makyth man', but they are a reasonable indicator of how that person wishes to present themselves to others. Just as subs rightly complain about the 'kneel, bitch' type of dom (largely online and about as dominant as a milkshake, of course), so Doms can have a problem with a sub who is interested solely in gaining a reaction. As a Dom, I won't complain, still less whinge, about that. I simply tell them politely that I don't think we will work together, and move on.

But, you know, horses for courses and all that. I'd be interested to know what the appeal is for Dom(mes) of this kind of stroppy petulance.

DesEsseintes said:

I suppose it can be fun if one is a sadist

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Nope. I am a sadist and I cant stand them.

I agree with all you posted and am interested in the same question. What is the appeal.

Endless_Night said:

The consensus of the post so far seems to be that sexual Dominants are Dominant in real life. Is this really the case? For some reason I find this surprising. I've seen so much commentary on submissives who don't take submissive positions in real life it seems like switching roles is common.

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I see it more in a way that submissive people still need to take control in real life to get things done - from earning money to raising kids to getting the handyman to arrive on time.

DesEsseintes said:

Brattishness - to me, anyway - says, 'Make me.'
...
I'd be interested to know what the appeal is for Dom(mes) of this kind of stroppy petulance.

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Uhm... the "make me" is the appeal.