❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

Farawyn said:

So, you see her changing in the future? Because you said “on hold”.
Or, will it likely remain here, on Lit?
Kink in a box.

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I don’t know. Do people really change?

It is more - Hope and time. We are in a place where we literally get maybe an hour together and in that hour sometimes all we want is to just be quiet with each other. Not demanding or intense or exploring. Just content to be together.

I guess I have seen enough glimpses of interest in some kind of kink to think things might change. I found my kink in dribs and drabs - I can let her do that too.

Ed27R said:

I don’t know. Do people really change?

It is more - Hope and time. We are in a place where we literally get maybe an hour together and in that hour sometimes all we want is to just be quiet with each other. Not demanding or intense or exploring. Just content to be together.

I guess I have seen enough glimpses of interest in some kind of kink to think things might change. I found my kink in dribs and drabs - I can let her do that too.

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Just to quickly answer you.
Yes.
Yes people do change and grow and learn and accept new parts of themselves. I'm a prime example.

PrettyLilPussy said:

Just to quickly answer you.
Yes.
Yes people do change and grow and learn and accept new parts of themselves. I'm a prime example.

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They have to want it, though.

And Ed, you sound happy. Really happy. I was mostly projecting.

PrettyLilPussy said:

Just to quickly answer you.
Yes.
Yes people do change and grow and learn and accept new parts of themselves. I'm a prime example.

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I completely agree!

Farawyn said:

They have to want it, though.

And Ed, you sound happy. Really happy. I was mostly projecting.

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Very true. Or at least be open.

PrettyLilPussy said:

Monday Question:

How critical is your kink to your overall life satisfaction?
Could you be happy in a relationship that does not include kink? Is it just sex for you or an important part of how you see yourself?

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At one point, I wanted to live a D/s life. 24/7 or as close to that as possible. I sought out a Dominant man as a partner; we found each other and worked toward that goal.

The thing is, life got in the way. Initially, it was interesting and sometimes challenging to figure out how we were going to tangle up D/s in our day to day life.

Then things got really complicated and our dynamic shifted. It was really really difficult to wrap my head around. For him too.

He wanted to be big and strong and the decision maker. I'm a follower, a really good one. I had to step up and eventually, make every decision.

It made me realize "submissive" in the relationship we were pursuing created a dependent mindset I didn't like. I understand any relationship that experiences loss goes through a shift in identity. But I felt the D/s part made it more confusing.

So now, I don't know. I thought it would be an integral part of my relationship. Now, I'm unsure I can take care of anyone to that degree.

As to kink, what Farawyn said resonated about loving the person not the letters of BDSM. Could I live without kinky monkey business? Probably.
Do I want to? No.

Farawyn said:

The Small Death.
He had premature ejacukation. Now he does not.

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Yup. That's the one part I understood. I meant all the other stuff. Did all those other words boil down to edging??

Ed27R said:

I don’t know. Do people really change?

It is more - Hope and time. We are in a place where we literally get maybe an hour together and in that hour sometimes all we want is to just be quiet with each other. Not demanding or intense or exploring. Just content to be together.

I guess I have seen enough glimpses of interest in some kind of kink to think things might change. I found my kink in dribs and drabs - I can let her do that too.

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Bolded part really resonated with me.

Is two questions a week too many? Should we just do one? I want to make sure everyone has time to answer and discuss.
Yeah, I think I'm going to switch to one question a week to allow more time.
plp

cookiecat said:

... about loving the person not the letters of BDSM. Could I live without kinky monkey business? Probably.
Do I want to? No.

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Even if I could magically transplant myself into a relationship with someone else, with the express intent of not having any kinky monkey business goings on, there's not a doubt in my mind that they'd be some hair pulling, nipple nibbling and oral teasing going on within a very short period of time. Would that be enough to sate my kinky side? With the right person, probably.

midwestyankee said:

I’ve definitely experienced drop several times. Talking afterward usually helped with that, as did more touch. That’s one of the challenges of long-distance play, where aftercare is, by definition, limited and touch-free.

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I think it is just as important to meet a Top's need for aftercare as it is for being a bottom's need. I guess in some ways that is one more way to submit maybe.

Just my opinion

ultramarineblue said:

I think it is just as important to meet a Top's need for aftercare as it is for being a bottom's need. I guess in some ways that is one more way to submit maybe.

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I (personally) don't consider that as a way to submit any more than I consider Him being dominant of me at that point. To me, it's simply taking care of each other.

barefootgirl69 said:

I (personally) don't consider that as a way to submit any more than I consider Him being dominant of me at that point. To me, it's simply taking care of each other.

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I concur with you. Completely

This is tricky. I've always just been vanilla, all the way. Every now and then there were indications of something else, but I ignored them because they were ... embarrassing. I've just come out of an awesome marriage to an amazing man in which the sex was great ... but very vanilla. I discovered the kink bit of me through online play, most particularly with one person over the course of a year, while still having great, very vanilla sex with my husband.
In the middle of all that (some people know about that mess - it's no secret) I met my in-charge guy ... although he wasn't that at first. When we first talked, it was all at a distance. I told him about the online/phone stuff I'd played around with, and he said he wasn't into that, and I was fine with that ... but then, it turns out he was, almost from the firs time we physically met. The kink aspect of our sex has grown in the three years we've known each other. We have a lot of sex that doesn't have any bdsm aspect to it, but I couldn't imagine that being totally absent with him ... it's a huge part of the dynamic we have. So with him ... no, I don't think this relationship would work without that. It's wrapped up in the specific sorts of damaged that we both are, that that makes us fit together in an odd way, and that trust is a hugely important part of how we work together. The emotional aspect of the control dynamic is so integral to everything. I'm the only girl who's ever tied him up. I'm the only girl who's ever made him cry. There's a lot of broken bits in both of us. And giving him control is so good for him, and so good for me.

Could I have a non-kink relationship with someone else ... I honestly don't know. I guess the proof is in the pudding. I'm still so new to all of this, and the moving into kinky sex has been in such a fraught context, it's difficult to tease out all the various parts of what's happened in the last two or three years and work out what's 'necessary' and what's just a 'nice to have'.

PrettyLilPussy said:

Monday Question:

How critical is your kink to your overall life satisfaction?
Could you be happy in a relationship that does not include kink? Is it just sex for you or an important part of how you see yourself?

Click to expand...

I suppose I could be happy in a vanilla relationship. I mean, I've been doing that for a while now. But I feel a bit like I've eaten from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and now that I know... this side of myself I don't know that I'll ever be fully satisfied. There is a LOT more, infinitely more, to a relationship that sex but a part of what I've discovered about myself is that I really want to be with someone I respect. Respect (and communication) are a large part of what draws me to my kink and I suppose denotes something I'm missing in my current relationship.

The Garden of Eden metaphor is a bit dramatic but it's very apropos - once you know something you can't even go back and un-know it... Would I be happier if I never knew? Would I always feel like I had an invisible itch that needed to be scratched?

cookiecat said:

Bolded part really resonated with me.

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I missed this yesterday - apologies.

Thank you. We can’t be “on” all the time.

Ed27R said:

I missed this yesterday - apologies.

Thank you. We can’t be “on” all the time.

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No one is saying that.

By that token, many of us, now that we’ve had it, can’t “put it on hold” ever again.

barefootgirl69 said:

I (personally) don't consider that as a way to submit any more than I consider Him being dominant of me at that point. To me, it's simply taking care of each other.

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It's definitely taking care of one another. I suppose my line of reasoning is that if you're giving aftercare in a way you don't necessarily need, it could possibly be a small manner of submission. What counts as submission and what doesn't? That could be an interesting question to consider. Many acts of submission include simply taking care of the needs of another person. Others aren't necessarily that.

ultramarineblue said:

It's definitely taking care of one another. I suppose my line of reasoning is that if you're giving aftercare in a way you don't necessarily need, it could possibly be a small manner of submission. What counts as submission and what doesn't? That could be an interesting question to consider. Many acts of submission include simply taking care of the needs of another person. Others aren't necessarily that.

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Very good point. Adding that to the idea list.

Just two thoughts in the thread of thoughts flowing back and forth.

Yeah, I think not only do people change, but that change is an inevitable facet of this beautiful jewel we call life. Any successful relationship, speaking of the whole of the relationship, thrives based on an attitude of embracing change for both (or any and all) partners. The more we cling to things, the more we suffer. Run toward the changes in life like you would run toward a passionate lovers embrace and you will find that the changes embrace you back.

The sexual arena is not exempted from this equation. I've always had a problem with the description of non-BDSM sex as "vanilla". I think it's inaccurate and almost always carries a derogatory under current. Sex, the whole spectrum of it, is like Baskin Robbins ice cream. 31 flavors of which BDSM is only a couple of flavors. When you are in a relationship, take the same approach as life, run toward the changes - all things ebb and flow like tides. Sexual desire and the flavors of sexual desire are no different.

As far as the dom/sub relationship - there are a lot of flavors wrapped inside of there to. Explore the whole palette of lust. Paint with all the colors. I've always differentiated between a true alpha and a true beta (in the biological sense) and the imaginary "alpha" or "dom" or "sub" roles that are assumed for sexual purposes.

There are people who are true biological alphas. They lead their pack (whatever that might be - work, friends, family, partners, etc.), they are successful in their careers, they are successful in their personal lives, they provide, they give guidance, they nurture and protect the pack. If their sexual preference is the dom role, it comes naturally to them and they cannot help but be alphas. They don't abrogate their alpha functions - they simply can't.

Just like there are alpha subs - that is people who are natural alphas, but prefer the sub role in sex and relationships, willing giving up control as a method of compensating for the pressures of being a natural alpha, there are natural beta's who assume the dom role in the sexual environment to take the power and control they lack in the rest of their lives.

I think a lot of the discord and disconnect happens in the BDSM world is a result of that core confusion - there is a big difference between assuming a role and naturally embodying that role. Folks enter into dom/sub relationships thinking their partner is actually a natural in the role, and then the cracks appear as the difficulty of maintaining a facade, no matter how good the intentions are, arises.

Put another way - you can fake being an alpha or a dom, or a sub, for a while, but eventually your actual personality will start to assert itself, it seeps through the cracks and eventually breaks through.

I think the key to determining if you have (or are) the role naturally is to observe the wider sweep of life. Someone who is naturally dominate will "dominate" in pretty much all aspects of their lives - not by bullying or threats or asshole behavior, but by actually being the best in their environment at what they do. It's just their nature. A person who embodied a natural sub instinctively accepts the sub or beta role and thrives there. You can be a highly successful beta or sub as well, but it is the contours of the role - the natural beta succeeds by following, the natural alpha succeeds by leading.

And those are my thoughts this fine and beautiful morning. I hope anyone who reads this is simply having an awesome day.

#5

New Question:

There seems to be a spectrum from 'humiliation' to 'ego-stroking'. Do you have experience from either end of the scale? Where do you prefer your interactions/scenes/play? Is one more natural for you?

**It's me! My old account was hacked and deleted.

I'd ask how I managed to not know this thread existed, but I've been preoccupied.
*Marks subscribe and starts reading through*

PrettyLilPussy19 said:

New Question:

There seems to be a spectrum from 'humiliation' to 'ego-stroking'. Do you have experience from either end of the scale? Where do you prefer your interactions/scenes/play? Is one more natural for you?

**It's me! My old account was hacked and deleted.

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I'm definitely more on the ego-stroking side, both giving and receiving. Humiliation kind of makes my skin crawl.

PrettyLilPussy19 said:

New Question:

There seems to be a spectrum from 'humiliation' to 'ego-stroking'. Do you have experience from either end of the scale? Where do you prefer your interactions/scenes/play? Is one more natural for you?

**It's me! My old account was hacked and deleted.

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One of the reasons I haven't gone for another Master/slave relationship is because I don't do well with degradation and humiliation. I often wondered if it was just the partner, but I truly believe it's just not something I can do. Being leashed and called 'my whore/slut' are about as far as I go...but, in the moment with the right person... who knows?

Sorry I'm late! What'd I miss?