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Some poly, some kink, some other stuff ...

I can assure you your random ramblings are actually being read. As others have noted, it's rare to encounter such cogent, perceptive writing on a topic as complex and shrouded as this. Those of us who have grappled -- some successfully, some not -- with similar concerns are grateful.

Those of us who value good writing are especially grateful. :)

KimGordon67 said:
[It's really tricky to tell if anyone's actually reading my random ramblings. Comments indicating ... well, anything really, if it's some sort of engagement ... are always welcome. Maybe I need to ask some questions in my posts?]
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WillTheWriter said:
I can assure you your random ramblings are actually being read. As others have noted, it's rare to encounter such cogent, perceptive writing on a topic as complex and shrouded as this. Those of us who have grappled -- some successfully, some not -- with similar concerns are grateful.

Those of us who value good writing are especially grateful. :)
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Well thanks. It's unusual for me to be writing so personally. I don't think I've done that since high school, which is longer ago than I care to remember ... although I guess all the written online interactions are a 'genre' in themselves that require ... something.
 
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Porkwarrior said:
Well basically...you're an older trophy wife that has grown up, but doesn't have the balls to divorce him.

Yadda yadda, something about a bed, lie in it, yadda yadda.
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I'm sorry I was an asshole earlier.
I took the time to read more of your th'd, and yeah, I was an uncalled for, no excuses, goof.

My bad, I apologize.
You do sound like an amazingly grounded in her sexuality woman, looking to make things work.

:rose:

(can I say sorry enough times this morning?)
 
KimGordon67 said:
Well thanks. I write (probably obviously) as a significant part of my day job, but it's unusual for me to be writing so personally. I don't think I've done that since high school, which is longer ago than I care to remember ... although I guess all the written online interactions are a 'genre' in themselves that require ... something.
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I just discovered this thread and am really enjoying it! I can relate SO much! Please keep sharing!
 
Big part of my day job involves writing, too. I'm saving my personal stuff for a novel in progress that will need lots of polishing lest friends and family read it *too* closely. :)

Interesting question as to what to call this genre.

Regardless, I commend you for your bravery and candor. We should all write with such honesty.

KimGordon67 said:
Well thanks. I write (probably obviously) as a significant part of my day job, but it's unusual for me to be writing so personally. I don't think I've done that since high school, which is longer ago than I care to remember ... although I guess all the written online interactions are a 'genre' in themselves that require ... something.
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That nearly made me fall over - it's not often you see someone apologise in here. Thanks - I appreciate that.

Porkwarrior said:
I'm sorry I was an asshole earlier.
I took the time to read more of your th'd, and yeah, I was an uncalled for, no excuses, goof.

My bad, I apologize.
You do sound like an amazingly grounded in her sexuality woman, looking to make things work.

:rose:

(can I say sorry enough times this morning?)
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WillTheWriter said:
Big part of my day job involves writing, too. I'm saving my personal stuff for a novel in progress that will need lots of polishing lest friends and family read it *too* closely. :)

Interesting question as to what to call this genre.

Regardless, I commend you for your bravery and candor. We should all write with such honesty.
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I probably should get back to the actual writing ... I'm trying to pull together enough memories of that particular encounter to meld into something that makes some kind of sense. I guess this I why people keep diaries - it would be so much easier if I'd made notes at the time ... and unfortunately all the messages/emails that might have jogged my memory have been deleted.

A few people have said that I should think about a book, but I don't think 'fiction' (even if it's actually thinly disguised fact) is really my genre. I know what you mean about the polishing ... there's also a couple of people who aren't appearing in this thread because I've thought very carefully about whether they'd be OK with our relationships (such as they were/are) being up for public discussion, no matter how anonymous it all is.
 
Kim

I'm happy to give you feedback. I just read the whole thread through and through over the last couple of days. I'll also echo the compliments on your honesty and candor. As someone who went through his own sexual evolution through the years before the internet and then continued on into the internet yet there are elements of your story that echoed in my life. Explaining the nuances of that journey - how it went, the territory it traveled through, the changes and decisions along the way is involved and contains many small but sexually (and life) altering decisions. I've been enjoying the read. Thanks for sharing it with us. I'm looking forward to reading more. If there is one thing I have learned in this life is that relationships, all relationships, can have their tricky parts. It would be nice if everything was a clean, clear decision - but they rarely are.
 
Back on track

Picking up where I left off (below) ... eventually him taking the lead in our encounters led to him introducing his own proclivities. I'd know he was pretty dominant from the get-go, and I'd been up front about my fair lack of interest in that sort of play, which he seemed OK with ... and yes, on that basis, this could probably sound a little coercive, but I'm pretty clear I could have pulled the plug (quite literally) at any point. In spite of what I said, I guess he saw something in my responses that I wasn't aware of. I can't remember the exact sequence of events, but he started slow - maybe describing holding my hands behind my back while I was riding him, or applying increasing pressure in his grip on some part of me. And it definitely triggered something for me. Part of this is obviously premised on a certain type of suspension of disbelief - phone sex is odd like that, in that you know it's sort of ridiculous on one level, but if you and your partner are well synched, it's also as real as physical sex. And we definitely were synched - if he described something, I knew exactly what that felt like. And somewhere in there, he found my enjoyment of pain ... at this point, obviously totally abstract, so what he described tended towards the extreme, which I think was in part to evoke a pain-based reaction. Again, most specifics unfortunately elude me, although I do remember one description of biting me until he drew blood ... and my whole mind just went sideways. He loved describing biting - soft bits, my pussy, anywhere he cared to - leaving marks in my flesh. There were also elements of control - when/where I could touch myself, if I could cum. There were times when the descriptions were so vivid that I would cum without touching myself.

No one was more surprised than me that I was into this. I'd always enjoyed a little bit of pain during sex - a bite, maybe, or having my wrists held - but this was a whole new level. We talked about it a lot outside of the 'doing' - often exchanging emails/messages after playing to check in, and talk about particular things that had 'happened', and there was a lot to our conversations that were outside this as well. But I fell hard.

Ha - I just remembered another time we were just chatting, and I was at work - it was late, so there was no one else around - and he described gagging me and taking me against the wall in my office. Not the first time I've cum at work, but definitely the most memorable.

Now I can see that not only was I finding a bit of myself that enjoyed that power/control play, but also that I was really entering into what I'd now describe as poly, in the loosest possible sense of the word - obviously polyamoury should really involved the knowledge and consent of all parties (and I get there eventually), but this was really one of my initial forays into having something like two 'relationships' going at once.

There were clear boundaries - we might exchange brief messages when our respective spouses were around, but our families were our priority. At this point, I'd started a job that involved me being away from home for a few nights most weeks, so it was easy to keep things in their boxes. Still, I surprised myself at how easily I was able to separate out this thing from my marriage - apparently I'm an expert-level compartmentaliser. And it meant nothing in terms of my marriage - I wasn't wanting my husband to break out the handcuffs, because that's just not what we were to each other (and also, I know him well enough to be pretty confident that he's just not wired for that). There was no aspect of my life with him that I was dissatisfied with beyond the usual everyday irks. Looking back now, I do wish I'd said something, probably long before this point, before things were too big and convoluted to be able to easily explain ... but I didn't, and I'm sort of OK with that to a large extent, for all the reason I had then - it didn't impact on his life, his time, or how I felt about him, and the lack of physical contact meant that it wasn't 'real' in some fundamental sense - and I knew he would definitely see it that way. Yes, this does sound like justification, but I know that's the reality of the situation.


KimGordon67 said:
My memory of the original conversations are a little shakey, but we pretty quickly moved into online sexual encounters, all chat based at first - at that point, I'd only used anything voice-based with the Scottish boy (see above), and he was a known quantity (and even then, it took him a year to talk me into Skyping with him. Literally. A year. He was very patient ... but that was really mostly visual rather than talking/sound). He always very much led what we were doing. Although I was pretty clear that I wasn't interested in any real d/s stuff, he was just a take-charge kind of guy, and it obviously suited him to decide how things were going to go ... and he decisions were pretty much always fine with me. He was, however, pretty insistent about wanted to communicate aurally - eventually he convinced me to let him call, and he would do ALL the talking - I would just be able to stay quiet, and type if I wanted to say anything. So he called ... and his voice just melted me. I'm not American, so American voices always have accents for me, and I've discovered (starting with him) that I have a bit of a weakness for the East Coast accent - I'm not sure if that's because of the actual accent, or just that the guys I've talked to the most have been from the East Coast. The other thing about John was that he was a big guy. I know that should be irrelevant online, but it actually made a different that when he talked about doing things that necessitated a fair degree of physical strength, I knew he was actually capable of that.
Anyway, the me-not-talking thing probably last 90 seconds ... and apparently my accent (which, of course, I can't really hear) is pretty charming as well. Although I couldn't stay exactly quiet, I was still a bundle of nerves - I'm pretty adept with the written word, but the idea of having to vocalise the same sorts of things as I wrote just made my mortifyingly embarrassed. So at first, he would lead and I would respond more with sound than actual words. Even that took a while before I worked out that my responses had to be ... hmm ... increased, I guess, both in frequency and range. I'm fairly vocal during sex at the best of time (not so much actual talking, but lots of noise), so this wasn't too much of a stretch for me, but it did require a bit of thought.
That first time, though, (and a lot of times after that) I got to hear him cum. That was something else ... so raw, guttural - I swear he actually growled. And hearing that really switched things up for me - knowing that I could provoke that in someone, even from thousands of miles away, was kind of awesome.
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KimGordon67 said:
So just to round off things with the ex-colleague ... we cybered for, I guess, a few months, but eventually we met up, which was sort of inevitable given that we were in the same city. Twice I found reasons to be back at my old workplace ... and in his office. We fooled around (in a 'I came, but he didn't' sort of sense), but it all stayed pretty low-key, for sort of confusing reasons. I realised the first time I kissed him that I really didn't want to have sex with him, that it wouldn't actually be very good - although he talked a good game, I could just tell from that that he wouldn't follow through in reality. Luckily he didn't push the point because the reality of the situation racked him with guilt - he had what I guess is a fairly common conflict in that he desperately wanted to have sex with someone other than his wife, but the reality of doing it made him feel terrible. He's still like that five or six years later. So things sort of petered out with him after that - we stayed friends, and he's one of the few people I confide in about aspects of my extra-marital relations, but I'll never go back there.

However, very bizarrely and totally NOT instigated by me, not long after things had started with the ex-colleague, I started getting very flirty messages on Facebook from another friend - the Scottish boy ...
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I'm finding your journey fascinating and I'm learning a lot, so thank you. :heart:

Your point above (in orange) rings so true with me. I lust after kinesthetic intelligence and I need to be mentally attracted to a person's physicality (it sounds contradictory doesn't it...lol) before I'll get RL with them. I'm a dancer so the way a person moves and how they are in control of their body is important to me.


I'm also very interested about your experience (in pink above) with developing a relationship with a married man (who seems to be in a monogamous relationship) to the point of meeting him for a physical relationship and who is conflicted with his desire and guilt. But, more precisely, I'm interested to learn about the complexities of meeting such a man secretly. I often wonder why I have no guilt doing the same - meeting a married man in RL secretly (meaning I'm not affected by 'cheating'). I thought it was because I was a psychopath...lol - not caring about the consequences for others - but I've quickly learnt that it is way more complex than that. I used to think who we are is what we do, but not anymore. I've come across the idea of cheating for the right reasons or cheating as being the lesser of two evils. Even, cheating for harmonious synergy. (Which, I want to stress, are very different from the concept of 'ethical cheating'.) Now, these are just terms that I have come up with to describe certain ideas but they have been on my mind for several months now... in fact, blowing my mind. Have you ever heard of these concepts somewhere else?

Thank you :heart:
 
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Okay Kim, I'll admit it too....I've been lurking since the very beginning :eek:

I don't have anything great to add, but I will say that online interactions played a huge part in my own explorations of my repressed sexuality. For several years I enjoyed chatting and living vicariously in that environment. In one instance, I even met up with a guy while on an out of state trip. It was interesting, but seemed very odd. Here we had been sharing online our most intimate desires. We had grown emotionally very close and yet when we sat across from one another at a restaurant...there was very little real connection.

I've gone on to meet several other men after connecting online and have learned that, for me, it is best to avoid intimate chat if there is a plan to meet at some point. In general, I believe that for me any true connection must begin at a non-sexual level and let the attraction build on a natural slope.

And I'll add just this one more thing; Since you have mentioned polyamory, I have come to believe that I am very much wired for that. And not primarily in a sexual way, but true love that can be shared without fear of jealousy or loss. It just seems so natural for me, but I know it is impossible for some to wrap their head around.

Okay, this is the rambling mess you get when you force lurkers to try and say something clever ;)
 
RacyWilde said:
I'm finding your journey fascinating and I'm learning a lot, so thank you. :heart:

Your point above (in orange) rings so true with me. I lust after kinesthetic intelligence and I need to be mentally attracted to a person's physicality (it sounds contradictory doesn't it...lol) before I'll get RL with them. I'm a dancer so the way a person moves and how they are in control of their body is important to me.


I'm also very interested about your experience (in pink above) with developing a relationship with a married man (who seems to be in a monogamous relationship) to the point of meeting him for a physical relationship and who is conflicted with his desire and guilt. But, more precisely, I'm interested to learn about the complexities of meeting such a man secretly. I often wonder why I have no guilt doing the same - meeting a married man in RL secretly (meaning I'm not affected by 'cheating'). I thought it was because I was a psychopath...lol - not caring about the consequences for others - but I've quickly learnt that it is way more complex than that. I used to think who we are is what we do, but not anymore. I've come across the idea of cheating for the right reasons or cheating as being the lesser of two evils. Even, cheating for harmonious synergy. (Which, I want to stress, are very different from the concept of 'ethical cheating'.) Now, these are just terms that I have come up with to describe certain ideas but they have been on my mind for several months now... in fact, blowing my mind. Have you ever heard of these concepts somewhere else?

Thank you :heart:
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It's a tricky area - I very strongly of the opinion that we're only responsible for our own relationships, so I didn't feel any guilt about his situation. In fact, I now work with his, and barely even think about the fact that I had some kind of sexual relations with her husband, because it sort of doesn't seem relevant to my relationship with her (although I'm aware that she'd probably feel quite differently, so I'm not feeling inclined to tell her about it). I do think there's a possibility that we could position ourselves as a 'better' cheating option for people who are going to cheat anyway? I do, however, with the benefit of hindsight, wish I'd been more honest in my relationship with my husband, which is the one I have responsibility for. God know what would have happened ... although I have to say that my husband is a constant source of surprise.
I did find his guilt a bit irritating. There's a lot of emotions I struggle with in other people - jealousy is another one. But guilt ... if you're going to feel guilty about something, just don't do. If you're going to do it anyway, stop feeling guilty about it. (I know people aren't that simple, but I do find it all a bit perplexing.)
 
yukonnights said:
Okay Kim, I'll admit it too....I've been lurking since the very beginning :eek:

I don't have anything great to add, but I will say that online interactions played a huge part in my own explorations of my repressed sexuality. For several years I enjoyed chatting and living vicariously in that environment. In one instance, I even met up with a guy while on an out of state trip. It was interesting, but seemed very odd. Here we had been sharing online our most intimate desires. We had grown emotionally very close and yet when we sat across from one another at a restaurant...there was very little real connection.

I've gone on to meet several other men after connecting online and have learned that, for me, it is best to avoid intimate chat if there is a plan to meet at some point. In general, I believe that for me any true connection must begin at a non-sexual level and let the attraction build on a natural slope.

And I'll add just this one more thing; Since you have mentioned polyamory, I have come to believe that I am very much wired for that. And not primarily in a sexual way, but true love that can be shared without fear of jealousy or loss. It just seems so natural for me, but I know it is impossible for some to wrap their head around.

Okay, this is the rambling mess you get when you force lurkers to try and say something clever ;)
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Eventually I'll get to talking about meeting someone in RL I'd only known online. You're right - it is bloody odd.
I do love how the online context allows us to experiment with stuff before we try it out in RL. I don't think I'd be doing have the things I'm 'really' doing now if I hadn't had the relatively risk-free environment of the internet to try them out first. (I know what you're talking about is quite a different ball game, but I suspect it's a transferable concept.)
 
KimGordon67 said:
It's a tricky area - I very strongly of the opinion that we're only responsible for our own relationships, so I didn't feel any guilt about his situation. In fact, I now work with his, and barely even think about the fact that I had some kind of sexual relations with her husband, because it sort of doesn't seem relevant to my relationship with her (although I'm aware that she'd probably feel quite differently, so I'm not feeling inclined to tell her about it). I do think there's a possibility that we could position ourselves as a 'better' cheating option for people who are going to cheat anyway? I do, however, with the benefit of hindsight, wish I'd been more honest in my relationship with my husband, which is the one I have responsibility for. God know what would have happened ... although I have to say that my husband is a constant source of surprise.
I did find his guilt a bit irritating. There's a lot of emotions I struggle with in other people - jealousy is another one. But guilt ... if you're going to feel guilty about something, just don't do. If you're going to do it anyway, stop feeling guilty about it. (I know people aren't that simple, but I do find it all a bit perplexing.)
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I love what you've said here (above in orange). I understand this but one of the things I'm finding is that I don't cut off, or... I can't. If one of my lovers is married, I don't get involved in their relationship, but I do care about it. In fact, I do what I can to support it. It's because when I become emotionally invested in my lover I work towards their needs and happiness and that includes a positive relationship with their spouse. It's funny, sometimes the spouse doesn't even know I exist even though I care for their relationship with my lover. Another time a spouse was well aware of me, which actually made things more difficult because she would try to control my relationship with her husband not understanding that really she had no power over us. Yet, in the end, I let go of my relationship with him, so he could regain a harmonious marriage with his wife.

(Above in green) I'm not one to get jealous and I do not tolerate jealousy in my lovers - it is hard for me to sympathise with others. (I have an INTP personality...lol.) So I completely understand how your friend's personal guilt became irritating. I find that people who base their love on monogamous ideals tend to have a harder time with emotions that monogamy is designed to prevent, such as guilt and jealousy. Being with a monogamist when you're poly is challenging.

Thank for your reply.

:heart:
 
RacyWilde said:
I love what you've said here (above in orange). I understand this but one of the things I'm finding is that I don't cut off, or... I can't. If one of my lovers is married, I don't get involved in their relationship, but I do care about it. In fact, I do what I can to support it. It's because when I become emotionally invested in my lover I work towards their needs and happiness and that includes a positive relationship with their spouse. It's funny, sometimes the spouse doesn't even know I exist even though I care for their relationship with my lover. Another time a spouse was well aware of me, which actually made things more difficult because she would try to control my relationship with her husband not understanding that really she had no power over us. Yet, in the end, I let go of my relationship with him, so he could regain a harmonious marriage with his wife.

You're a better person than me ... I have limited patience for unhappily married people. I tend to be of the 'if you're that unhappy, either do something to fix it, or leave' opinion. I think that a lot of people seek extra-marital relationships to address something they're not satisfied with in their marriage ... I'm sceptical about the success rate of that method. I could, however, imagine being in a truly poly situation (where the 'wife' knew me) where I might feel differently. I have, however, seen inklings of what you're talking about in my husband recently - it's getting a bit ahead of the narrative I'm constructing, but he has been able to evidence some concern about my external-to-the-marriage relationship. I would love to be able to be in situation where that was really embedded for everyone.

(Above in green) I'm not one to get jealous and I do not tolerate jealousy in my lovers - it is hard for me to sympathise with others. (I have an INTP personality...lol.) So I completely understand how your friend's personal guilt became irritating. I find that people who base their love on monogamous ideals tend to have a harder time with emotions that monogamy is designed to prevent, such as guilt and jealousy. Being with a monogamist when you're poly is challenging.

Thank for your reply.

:heart:
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Indeed it is.
 
The power/control aspect of things increased incrementally over time, across a period of maybe five months (give or take) although it was only ever in relation to the sex - in all other respects, we were on an equal footing, and for me, the leaking of that dynamic into any other aspect of my life would be untenable. And obviously in the sexual area, there were the inevitable constraints of distance ... though I still remember his voice rolling over me with an amazing level of physicality. The last time we played, he described blindfolding me, and then the feeling of a shackling being attached around one ankle ... just that was enough to make me cum
... and then that the was the last time. The next day I got a three sentence email saying that he very much enjoyed the time we'd had, but he'd decided to refocus his attentions on his marriage (which I had no idea was in bad shape). And that was it - no opportunity for me to respond, no indication of any appreciation of the impact this might have on me. I did respond, of course, but I very much doubt that, nor any of the subsequent emails I've sent at random moments over the years since when I think of him have been read. I was surprised at how hurt I was ... as I said in my initial response "I'm really mostly fucked off with myself - I know the rules of this game, but I essentially let myself forget that it is a game. I will be more circumspect in the future." (Note - that last point turned out to be entirely untrue.) I suspect the pain was amplified by the fact that I'd gone down a previously unexplored path with him, and that entailed a certain level of trust ... so, yeah.

Should you ever find yourself in any kind of online relationship with anyone, and then feel the need to end it, can I suggest this isn't the best way to do so. Had he had an actual conversation with me about it, I still would have been upset, but I would have totally understood his reasoning. Just because someone is thousands of miles away, they're still an actual person ... although I guess the risk of them turning up on your doorstep at 2am in tears is minimised, so maybe that makes it OK?
Sigh.

KimGordon67 said:
Picking up where I left off (below) ... eventually him taking the lead in our encounters led to him introducing his own proclivities. I'd know he was pretty dominant from the get-go, and I'd been up front about my fair lack of interest in that sort of play, which he seemed OK with ... and yes, on that basis, this could probably sound a little coercive, but I'm pretty clear I could have pulled the plug (quite literally) at any point. In spite of what I said, I guess he saw something in my responses that I wasn't aware of. I can't remember the exact sequence of events, but he started slow - maybe describing holding my hands behind my back while I was riding him, or applying increasing pressure in his grip on some part of me. And it definitely triggered something for me. Part of this is obviously premised on a certain type of suspension of disbelief - phone sex is odd like that, in that you know it's sort of ridiculous on one level, but if you and your partner are well synched, it's also as real as physical sex. And we definitely were synched - if he described something, I knew exactly what that felt like. And somewhere in there, he found my enjoyment of pain ... at this point, obviously totally abstract, so what he described tended towards the extreme, which I think was in part to evoke a pain-based reaction. Again, most specifics unfortunately elude me, although I do remember one description of biting me until he drew blood ... and my whole mind just went sideways. He loved describing biting - soft bits, my pussy, anywhere he cared to - leaving marks in my flesh. There were also elements of control - when/where I could touch myself, if I could cum. There were times when the descriptions were so vivid that I would cum without touching myself.

No one was more surprised than me that I was into this. I'd always enjoyed a little bit of pain during sex - a bite, maybe, or having my wrists held - but this was a whole new level. We talked about it a lot outside of the 'doing' - often exchanging emails/messages after playing to check in, and talk about particular things that had 'happened', and there was a lot to our conversations that were outside this as well. But I fell hard.

Ha - I just remembered another time we were just chatting, and I was at work - it was late, so there was no one else around - and he described gagging me and taking me against the wall in my office. Not the first time I've cum at work, but definitely the most memorable.

Now I can see that not only was I finding a bit of myself that enjoyed that power/control play, but also that I was really entering into what I'd now describe as poly, in the loosest possible sense of the word - obviously polyamoury should really involved the knowledge and consent of all parties (and I get there eventually), but this was really one of my initial forays into having something like two 'relationships' going at once.

There were clear boundaries - we might exchange brief messages when our respective spouses were around, but our families were our priority. At this point, I'd started a job that involved me being away from home for a few nights most weeks, so it was easy to keep things in their boxes. Still, I surprised myself at how easily I was able to separate out this thing from my marriage - apparently I'm an expert-level compartmentaliser. And it meant nothing in terms of my marriage - I wasn't wanting my husband to break out the handcuffs, because that's just not what we were to each other (and also, I know him well enough to be pretty confident that he's just not wired for that). There was no aspect of my life with him that I was dissatisfied with beyond the usual everyday irks. Looking back now, I do wish I'd said something, probably long before this point, before things were too big and convoluted to be able to easily explain ... but I didn't, and I'm sort of OK with that to a large extent, for all the reason I had then - it didn't impact on his life, his time, or how I felt about him, and the lack of physical contact meant that it wasn't 'real' in some fundamental sense - and I knew he would definitely see it that way. Yes, this does sound like justification, but I know that's the reality of the situation.
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I agree with what you say on ending the relationship - outside of the random or semi-random online cyber hook-up, if the relationship has progressed to the point where it is an actual relationship, then you should end it just like you would a relationship in IRL. As hard as it can be (and it can very hard) you need to sit down and talk out of the relationship so there are no unanswered questions. The unanswered questions are the worst, especially since our mind tends to fill in the blanks with imaginings that are generally far worse then the realities. Give you soon to be virtual Ex reasons for why it ended and hopefully they'll do the same for you.
 
Paul_Chance said:
I agree with what you say on ending the relationship - outside of the random or semi-random online cyber hook-up, if the relationship has progressed to the point where it is an actual relationship, then you should end it just like you would a relationship in IRL. As hard as it can be (and it can very hard) you need to sit down and talk out of the relationship so there are no unanswered questions. The unanswered questions are the worst, especially since our mind tends to fill in the blanks with imaginings that are generally far worse then the realities. Give you soon to be virtual Ex reasons for why it ended and hopefully they'll do the same for you.
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In my experience, some people are just as crap at ending RL relationships - it's just a bit easier to be crap if you don't have to look at the other person
 
Thank you for sharing this! It's been a enjoyable reading. I can agree and recognize the feeling of a online relationship.

Well written! :)
 
KimGordon67 said:
Eventually I'll get to talking about meeting someone in RL I'd only known online. You're right - it is bloody odd.
LI do love how the online context allows us to experiment with stuff before we try it out in R. I don't think I'd be doing have the things I'm 'really' doing now if I hadn't had the relatively risk-free environment of the internet to try them out first. (I know what you're talking about is quite a different ball game, but I suspect it's a transferable concept.)
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Absolutely true about the ability to "try" new things in a safe environment. I suspect all of us would be quite more repressed and bored with our lives without the opportunity to learn these things about ourselves. And I agree that the learning is a transferable concept regardless of what color of the stripe on the flag.

KimGordon67 said:
The power/control aspect of things increased incrementally over time, across a period of maybe five months (give or take) although it was only ever in relation to the sex - in all other respects, we were on an equal footing, and for me, the leaking of that dynamic into any other aspect of my life would be untenable. And obviously in the sexual area, there were the inevitable constraints of distance ... though I still remember his voice rolling over me with an amazing level of physicality. The last time we played, he described blindfolding me, and then the feeling of a shackling being attached around one ankle ... just that was enough to make me cum
... and then that the was the last time. The next day I got a three sentence email saying that he very much enjoyed the time we'd had, but he'd decided to refocus his attentions on his marriage (which I had no idea was in bad shape). And that was it - no opportunity for me to respond, no indication of any appreciation of the impact this might have on me. I did respond, of course, but I very much doubt that, nor any of the subsequent emails I've sent at random moments over the years since when I think of him have been read. I was surprised at how hurt I was ... as I said in my initial response "I'm really mostly fucked off with myself - I know the rules of this game, but I essentially let myself forget that it is a game. I will be more circumspect in the future." (Note - that last point turned out to be entirely untrue.) I suspect the pain was amplified by the fact that I'd gone down a previously unexplored path with him, and that entailed a certain level of trust ... so, yeah.

Should you ever find yourself in any kind of online relationship with anyone, and then feel the need to end it, can I suggest this isn't the best way to do so. Had he had an actual conversation with me about it, I still would have been upset, but I would have totally understood his reasoning. Just because someone is thousands of miles away, they're still an actual person ... although I guess the risk of them turning up on your doorstep at 2am in tears is minimised, so maybe that makes it OK?
Sigh.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry, but I would just have to say that he was an a-hole. Given enough time, people tend to eventually reveal what they truly are...and I suppose this is a very valuable aspect of an online-relationship. He screwed up his marriage and then his deeply rooted selfishness sort of unbalanced you too. So actually, you were lucky he showed his true heart when he did...and not after even more duplicity. Your advice above is certainly good...but it's also good to remember to vet a Dom very carefully. In my own rather limited experience with this, I would never want to be associated with a Dom who wasn't operating out of love and an abundance of intelligence. Broken hearts hurt too :(
 
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