The Bratty Thread

[Keroin]

'Cause if we all didn't have something to bitch about, we'd just sit around and look dumbly at each other?

Pay attention to this.

Watch the threads that take off: gun control, abortion, obesity, sexual identity, racism, etc. Controversy makes for conversation. "If it bleeds it leads". And of course, there is humour, that also sells.

The threads I've started that I considered educational/productive/helpful/positive have pretty much died a quick, quiet death, (which is fine, BTW). Humans like to be stimulated and challenged, even if we state otherwise.

If I wasn't so chillaxed right now, I'd be tempted to jump into the fray. But it makes for interesting reading. I am, however, as baffled today as I was on the day I arrived at this forum, with the apparent need for definitions in BDSM and the idea that there is some kind of bad-good-better-best rating system to a person's sexual identity.

 

[ataxia.girl]

ataxia, do you know why your lack of power in your relationship causes you frustration? this bit just really jumped out at me and made me wonder, as being powerless in general has always made me feel "meh, such is life," and being powerless in my relationship makes me feel the deepest sense of relief and calm. it's like, i just don't have to worry about it. it's not on my shoulders, and i don't have to pretend like i'm capable and normal and all that crap. it doesn't mean that things are easy on this side...but that's a whole different subject imo.

i'm frustrated because i am powerful. i manage a team at work, often even my boss looks to me for direction. i single handedly dragged our family out of a religious cult including my husband and my parents. Its impossible for me to pretend i have no effect on the world. Its conflicting.

The cult thing and the fact that the people i should most be able to trust in my life were wrong is a pretty big deal and the reason my husband is not my owner.

 

[JMohegan]

To me, brattiness is insolence, petulance, mouthiness. Continuing that behavior in the face of a loved one's personal tragedy? That's majorly bitchy, and I wouldn't expect anyone, Dom or sub, to put up with that.



I agree. If all we're talking about is the standard English definition, then nothing I've said in this thread applies. I don't operate like a six-year-old either; I don't throw tantrums; I have a two-year-old and there's plenty of that kind of behavior in the house already.

My impression is that we're discussing the BDSM definition. Just as "bottom" means something more here than it does in the vanilla world, so does brat. And I don't think we've yet settled on what that is; perhaps we won't come to a consensus.

"Insolence, petulance, mouthiness" sounds a lot like the dictionary definition (rude and immature) to me.

It also brings to mind a couple (both adults) sitting in front of me in the theater a few weeks ago. Apparently bored, the woman began texting in the middle of the film. The guy turned and said, "That's distracting; turn it off." She said, "Get over it," and kept right on texting. He responded, "I'm serious. The screen is bright and annoying. I'm sure other people don't appreciate it either." She waved her hand dismissively and said, "They'll get over it, too."

Does the flavor of their relationship matter, in that instance? Not to me, it didn't. That was insolent, mouthy, spoiled, immature behavior - regardless of the sexual orientation of the couple.

If you are talking solely about what transpires between two people in the privacy of their bedroom, that's obviously a lot less objectionable. But still, I find myself wondering why there would be a distinct BDSM definition for bratty behavior, and if there is - what it is, and how it differs from non-BDSM interaction. Why have some in the BDSM community made up their own definition, and what purpose does it serve?

 

[yourmissl]

Pay attention to this.

Watch the threads that take off: gun control, abortion, obesity, sexual identity, racism, etc. Controversy makes for conversation. "If it bleeds it leads". And of course, there is humour, that also sells.

The threads I've started that I considered educational/productive/helpful/positive have pretty much died a quick, quiet death, (which is fine, BTW). Humans like to be stimulated and challenged, even if we state otherwise.

If I wasn't so chillaxed right now, I'd be tempted to jump into the fray. But it makes for interesting reading. I am, however, as baffled today as I was on the day I arrived at this forum, with the apparent need for definitions in BDSM and the idea that there is some kind of bad-good-better-best rating system to a person's sexual identity.

Me too.

 

[ataxia.girl]

At least try to take the time to understand bratty behavior the way you took the time to understand doormat psychology. Its no sweat off your balls, is it? No. Its not.

It is frustrating to constantly be simply dismissed by the "community". i've gotten pretty used to it since most of the "community" dismisses ageplay anyway.

Daddy says i am frustrated because i really don't want to be in charge but life is such that i have had to be. Its really hard to see a hole in leadership and not try to fill it, especially if it is a hole directly affecting me. i'm not a natural leader, i have become one by necessity and i admit i resent it.

So reasonable people tell me i should sit down and have a mature discussion about my needs and my issues. That feels like such a linear masculine approach to relationships to me and not really the way i want to intimately engage. i am more comfortable relating on a more primal level, i feel better understood if i can communicate more organically in the moment, to just say\do whatever it is that pops into my head and yes this only occurs with Daddy when its just the two of us. i am a highly controlled person but i get so tired of protecting everyone around me from me. To then have someone tell me i'm powerless, below them, dependent on them when i know damn well i could shrivel their balls in less than a paragraph is contradictory. If you can't take what i can dish out and hold your ground you are not more powerful than i am, sorry. It just doesn't work.

i feel like a Dominant wants a sub to take extreme and intense experiences they need to dish out but when the sub has anything they need to dish it has to be done in a civilized way. Fuck that.

i cannot be dominated if i am holding back and editing myself because it feels too much like me dominating myself and i'm done doing all the work. i want to spar and come out the loser. i don't want to give power, i want it taken from me.

Now all that said i understand a lot of this has to do with practicality. Would this dynamic work with someone you shared children and a mortgage with? Probably not. It works just fine for Daddy and i because we only see each other a few nights a month and its basically strictly a bedroom relationship. Although we chat and care about what is going on each others lives there is no real "vanilla" element to our relationship. Even if we were 24/7 though it would still be like this, he's just not afraid to deal with me on that level and its very easy for him to stop it when he chooses to, even when i am at my most stubborn. Once you dry fuck me in the ass once the threat of doing so again is a pretty powerful behavior modifier

 

[Keroin]

It also brings to mind a couple (both adults) sitting in front of me in the theater a few weeks ago. Apparently bored, the woman began texting in the middle of the film. The guy turned and said, "That's distracting; turn it off." She said, "Get over it," and kept right on texting. He responded, "I'm serious. The screen is bright and annoying. I'm sure other people don't appreciate it either." She waved her hand dismissively and said, "They'll get over it, too."

Sorry for the sidetrack...


Did you say anything to the woman? What incredibly rude behaviour and such a selfish attitude. If she was that bored, why didn't she just leave the theater and go outside to do her texting?

 

[subish2009]

"Insolence, petulance, mouthiness" sounds a lot like the dictionary definition (rude and immature) to me.

It also brings to mind a couple (both adults) sitting in front of me in the theater a few weeks ago. Apparently bored, the woman began texting in the middle of the film. The guy turned and said, "That's distracting; turn it off." She said, "Get over it," and kept right on texting. He responded, "I'm serious. The screen is bright and annoying. I'm sure other people don't appreciate it either." She waved her hand dismissively and said, "They'll get over it, too."

Does the flavor of their relationship matter, in that instance? Not to me, it didn't. That was insolent, mouthy, spoiled, immature behavior - regardless of the sexual orientation of the couple.

If you are talking solely about what transpires between two people in the privacy of their bedroom, that's obviously a lot less objectionable. But still, I find myself wondering why there would be a distinct BDSM definition for bratty behavior, and if there is - what it is, and how it differs from non-BDSM interaction. Why have some in the BDSM community made up their own definition, and what purpose does it serve?

Wow, that's incredibly rude. And no, what I'm calling brattiness in myself is NOTHING like that. Let me give an example...say I'm being a smart-ass in a way that he was finding funny, but he tires of it. He tells me to shut up, I don't. He puts his hand over my mouth to make me, I try to bite his hand. That is about as bratty as I get. That would, in fact, be pretty ballsy for me as it would result in consequences. Not anger or hurt or true upset, but consequences, yes.

So, yes, I'm talking about something transpiring in the privacy of my bedroom. But maybe there's not a distinct BDSM definition of brat, but to me there's a difference between the kind of submissive that I and other like me are, and the more service-oriented submissives. There's a fundamental difference in the wiring, it seems to me, of a submissive who wants to be MADE to submit and a submissive who wants to GIVE herself. How do we differentiate that?

 

[intothewoods]

This thread is a huge mess, and there is a ton of stuff that needs to be addressed, and I don't know if I have the patience for it. Just, one thing:

I wish we could get past the "bratty little spoiled brat child" definition of the term, because we are talking about ADULTS who obviously (at least its obvious to me) have very, very different motivations, feelings, etc. than a goddamn six year old.

Yes, its easy to go to a dictionary and point to that definition, but we're talking about the BDSM community definition of a "brat" which isn't going to be found anywhere in Merriam Websters. So, lets stop doing that, and try to consider that these "brats" we are discussing might have some more emotional complexity, and intelligence, than a child.

It's not obvious to me. I had no idea there were specific motivations for adult bratty behavior. The only bdsm community definition of a brat of which I'm aware is the whole age-play-esque sammie thing during play.

 

[CutieMouse]

So, yes, I'm talking about something transpiring in the privacy of my bedroom. But maybe there's not a distinct BDSM definition of brat, but to me there's a difference between the kind of submissive that I and other like me are, and the more service-oriented submissives. There's a fundamental difference in the wiring, it seems to me, of a submissive who wants to be MADE to submit and a submissive who wants to GIVE herself. How do we differentiate that?

Yup.

I realized in reading this thread that (for me) it all just boils down to drama - which I do.not.do. Period, full stop, end of sentence. I don't want drama in my life. I don't want to create it, invite it, put up with it, or otherwise deal with it. And 99% of what I've read over the years re: bratty behavior = drama [to me] - BDSM or no.

I will openly admit I have zero interest in learning why people "brat"; possibly because as Bunny suggested, I view submission from a service angle and can't even wrap my head around other subsets of such a thing. Secondarily (no offense) - I send so much time and energy ensuring my children know that insolent, pouty, attention seeking behavior is not okay that I can't comprehend why I should be okay with similar behavior in an intelligent, complex, self-aware adult. It simply does not compute, so the best I can do is "Uhhh... oooookaaaaaay... if it work's for y'all..." and wander off.

 

[Keroin]

It is frustrating to constantly be simply dismissed by the "community". i've gotten pretty used to it since most of the "community" dismisses ageplay anyway.

Why do you give a fuck what the "community" thinks? Why does anyone? How does the "community" affect your relationship with your PYL?

The "community" can think whatever the hell it wants about me, or not think about me at all, (which I suspect is the case), and it won't make one micron of difference in my life.

 

[BiBunny]

Heck, even ageplay doesn't automatically mean bratty little, either. It's all a crapshoot, I tell you.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Why do you give a fuck what the "community" thinks? Why does anyone? How does the "community" affect your relationship with your PYL?

The "community" can think whatever the hell it wants about me, or not think about me at all, (which I suspect is the case), and it won't make one micron of difference in my life.

not to speak for ataxia specifically, but for some of us it just gets frustrating (and painfully isolating) to constantly have core aspects of who you are...not simply your "kink" or erotic interest...trashed and disrespected. i can relate to that feeling well with the whole doormat thing, so i can imagine how it must feel for those who i.d. as brats.

 

[Keroin]

not to speak for ataxia specifically, but for some of us it just gets frustrating (and painfully isolating) to constantly have core aspects of who you are...not simply your "kink" or erotic interest...trashed and disrespected. i can relate to that feeling well with the whole doormat thing, so i can imagine how it must feel for those who i.d. as brats.

This still isn't making sense to me. I guess I need specifics.

Ataxia girl described the "community" as being dismissive toward her. How exactly? And who was being dismissive? Why is someone else's opinion so important? Does the "community" matter that much, especially where it concerns a relationship that occupies only a few days a month? She has also expressed that her life outside of the limited time with her Daddy is much different, so I assume the "community" is only being dismissive about the part of her life which she has said here is centered around the bedroom?

I simply fail to see where the problem lies.

 

[minx1]

Sorry, if I misunderstood. I took it as a play on how people say that some people claim to be super perfect submissives who always obey and enjoy every single second of it. I would certainly be mediocre if not way below mediocre if compared to that.

But I, personally have never bothered comparing myself to anyone else. There is no mediocre, or above average or complete failure submissives if we simple don't bother comparing. Doing comparisons are pointless.

This applies to Dominants as well as submissives. There are some PYLs who are more dominant than others.


I didn't think you ever were referring to brats as less submissives. It was mentioned earlier in this thread



I hope you had a good nights sleep

*smiles* when I was saying I will never be ubersub, I said it a little tongue in cheek. Perhaps it was a bad choice of words!

But I suppose my point was that in my submission there are elements that I consider myself good at and there are definitely aspects that I would consider myself to be average at, at best and sometimes not even average.

But thats cool, to me. It's not me having a downer on myself, its simply a self assessment and I'm not too hung up on it at the moment. I guess I see them as areas that I would like to improve on.

I admit that I have compared myself to others in the past, it's really easy to do especially here, interacting with peers and particularly when submission is relatively new and you are sharing and learning from other peoples views and relationships in order to expand your own knowledge and develop views.
But in all honesty I think in the main its my own standards that I set that I mostly do not meet lol


and I slept really badly! lol but thankyou

 

[minx1]

Minx! Nice to see you again.

I hope you don't mind me saying that this post has me alternating between the desire to hug you, and the desire to slap you upside the head. Since I can't do either, I'll just make a few points and hope you think about them a bit, after you've had some rest.

Point one - sexual orientation is not a better/worse thing. I'm not a sub at all, yet that fact does not make me feel like a failure, or mediocre. Nor does it make me feel superior, or anything else of a qualitative nature. This is a wiring, not a character, issue.

Point two - when it comes to ceding or accepting control, more is not better, less is not worse, and the reverse is also true. The list of areas in which I am totally uninterested in exerting control is long indeed. I have no interest in pretending that a partner is a car, or a slave who has no right to leave, or a woman who needs to be punished, or an adult who defers to me with regard to her career. If this makes me "less domly," that's perfectly fine. Why on earth would I care? I'm not going to pretend to be interested in or satisfied by something, just so I can climb some alleged kink ladder or hierarchy.

Point three - all humans occasionally say things to their partners that they really shouldn't. Everyone gets annoyed, snaps, or slips up at times. I'd bet my house that the guy you were addressing in the middle of the street has been out of bounds sometimes too.

In short - for god's sake, woman. Don't be so hard on yourself.

thankyou Jm, either would be fine

And yes, I think you hit the nail on the head, I am hard on myself. I have a tendency to set myself standards in almost everything I do, perhaps on occassion, too high!

For the record I wrote this next bit twice and watered it down at first *laugh* but then thought i should have the courage of my convictions and maintain my line!
I was going to say in answer to your first point on sexual orientation, that I was refering to aspects of submission at which I am mediocre, rather than meaning me...the whole submissive package. This is true.

But then I thought about it and actually I do see myself as a mediocre sub, perhaps because of the elements I struggle with. I was trying to think of something that I could compare it to without insulting anyone lol, but the best I can come up with is that it feels like identifying with being gay and struggling with having sex with a person of the same sex.
Because the areas that I feel I am mediocre at or struggle with are in my mind fundamental to being submissive.

And its that which makes me question whether I am right to identify with it, or maybe I am simply at a certain point on a very wide and complex range of D/s. Or perhaps I set myself too high standards or perhaps its ok not to think I am particularly good at it and recognise my limitations......I don't know.

On point two, I think its that the areas I refer to are actually fundamental dynamics of D/s..... not that I don't want to do age play or be told what to eat for my dinner. They are to me, much more basic and what I believe to be intrinsic to being a submissive.

Point three...absolutely and yes, absolutely!

I know I might piss people off by saying this, but I refer to myself only when I do say it. Being a brat isn't something that I want to identify with. There would be little room for that behaviour in the type of relationship that I want.
When I am thinking about how I want to be as a person and a submissive, bratty isn't top of the list yanno.
And this is where I may get flamed .....but hey ho... I guess in my own mind I do connect being bratty with a negative and as something that I do now and again, sometimes when playful goes too far and sometimes because I am just acting up. Its something I do, but its not a badge I want to wear or something I aspire too. But thats just me and each to their own.

I think bratty is such a relative term and means entirely different things to different people and that the dynamic works well in some relationships and for some people. I'm just not one of them I think.

ok so I know why you want to slap, what was the hug for??! Its a pity hug right?

 

[ataxia.girl]

Yup.

I realized in reading this thread that (for me) it all just boils down to drama - which I do.not.do. Period, full stop, end of sentence. I don't want drama in my life. I don't want to create it, invite it, put up with it, or otherwise deal with it. And 99% of what I've read over the years re: bratty behavior = drama [to me] - BDSM or no.

I will openly admit I have zero interest in learning why people "brat"; possibly because as Bunny suggested, I view submission from a service angle and can't even wrap my head around other subsets of such a thing. Secondarily (no offense) - I send so much time and energy ensuring my children know that insolent, pouty, attention seeking behavior is not okay that I can't comprehend why I should be okay with similar behavior in an intelligent, complex, self-aware adult. It simply does not compute, so the best I can do is "Uhhh... oooookaaaaaay... if it work's for y'all..." and wander off.

You know what your limits are though don't you? You articulate them, hold to them, set them? In short... you respect yourself.

i don't.

i feel incredibly marginalized right now. Its hard for me to say exactly why. i feel so stupid for the things i am willing to do for approval and acceptance and marginalized i dare be the least bit upset or pissed off and heaven forbid act out about any of it.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Why is someone else's opinion so important?

i don't know. i never have been able to figure it out.

i'm going to bed. i'll let the "mature" adults figure it all out.

 

[rida]

OK, I feel it's time for something important to be added to this discussion because this talk of mediocre is upsetting.

No matter what any PYL might say, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT. Period. And, if there is no perfect then there cannot be mediocre. We are human. We have human emotion. We have hormones. We have brains. Therefore, we cannot be perfect. Can't happen.

/rant

You forgot one more reason why there is no such a thing as perfect:

If perfection was possible I would be perfect.
I'm not perfect
ergo perfection is not possible.

(tongue in cheek syllogism or rather ... sillygism )

*snip*

i cannot be dominated if i am holding back and editing myself because it feels too much like me dominating myself and i'm done doing all the work. i want to spar and come out the loser. i don't want to give power, i want it taken from me.

Now all that said i understand a lot of this has to do with practicality. Would this dynamic work with someone you shared children and a mortgage with? Probably not. It works just fine for Daddy and i because we only see each other a few nights a month and its basically strictly a bedroom relationship. Although we chat and care about what is going on each others lives there is no real "vanilla" element to our relationship. Even if we were 24/7 though it would still be like this, he's just not afraid to deal with me on that level and its very easy for him to stop it when he chooses to, even when i am at my most stubborn. Once you dry fuck me in the ass once the threat of doing so again is a pretty powerful behavior modifier

When dry ass-rape is just the way things are, it makes me weary of wanting to test the waters ...

But, I just wanted to say that what you say, ataxia-girl, make sense and resonate with parts of me, even if I define myself, mostly, as a service-sub that take her pleasure from serving and as such obeying and being "good".

My is not a Daddy/littlegirl relationship. And even thou part of me would love to have something like you describe, but my lack of talent in compartmentalizing my life makes it not a good idea.

Still I struggle with self-editing a lot. Am I self editing so that I spare my PYL from my brain-fart and verbal diarrhea, or am I hiding myself and as such not really being honest? (and basically doing the whole self-dominating and submitting to my own fantasy instead of reality?)

... back to thinking some more.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I have had moments of brattiness and I don't care for them very much. They sometimes surface when i am trying to be playful and momentarily forget where the boundaries of acceptable behaviour lie, but moreso I think that they sometimes appear as an act of defiance.

I wonder sometimes if its an act of defiance against submission as oppose to the Pyl.

I spend a lot of time lately analysing if I am a submissive, to the point of being able to be a satisfactory sub to someone that is. I know its subjective. But sometimes i feel like I fall so short of the mark. And it leaves me wondering that perhaps I want to be a sub more than I am capable of being one.

Anyway I digress. One of the last times I acted this way went like this....I was talking on my way home from work and said something that was a little out of line. He said ''I won't accept that and you know what to do when that's the case.'' And indeed...I did know but instead of just apologising and saying yes Sir, I replied something along the lines of 'ha! I'm in the middle of the street...how's that gonna happen?!''

I was goading. I was annoyed and things felt unfair and there you have it. If I was as submissive as i would like to be... have strived to be I might feel sometimes that things are unfair, but I wouldn't react to them; I would accept them.

I am so definitely not uber sub...I am mediocre sub

Yeah, personally I don't actually care for being perceived as a brat. To me and this is purely my own standard of acceptable behaviour...there is a difference between me being playful and me being a brat.

I just need to work out how and if I can control it. Which again probably brings me back to the whole bigger picture...am i really a submissive, question again.

ETA: and I know that this dynamic works for many and thats really great if thats the case. Its'just that in my case i dont want to find a PYL with who would tolerate it or who would embrace it, for the simple reason that I myself don't think its an acceptable way to behave if I am their submissive.

Oi, you! Out of my brain!





I know I am a brat at times.

All the versions.

The cheeky, smart alecy, 'Did you just call me a stooge? Oh you're getting a smack for that,' everyone is having fun, kind.

The sammy kind.

The bad kind where I'm wilfully being a pain in the ass.

There's always a tangle of reasons why that bitch comes out of her little hidey hole in the corner of my psyche. And she often gets referred to in the third person, because I recognise that that's not *me* as I normally am, but it's just an offshoot of my own emotional immaturity.

99% I always try my best, I do. I want to make them happy, do as I'm told, be pleasing, be good. But with that, comes the pressure I put on myself to do so.

And sometimes I just feel overwhelmed, by everything, life in general really, and I feel out of control. I act out, and that control is bought down on me, hard and fast. I get squished back into my box, and I feel secure, taken care of, safe.

It's stupid, I know. But I *am* working on that whole 'just ask for what it is you need' thing. I've even been known to let people know that I do act out sometimes, but that it's no reflection on them. If anything, I'm reacting to myself.

I still don't like it. It's a behaviour pattern I'm working on rectifying. Sometimes I wonder if I need to, if there's nothing underhanded in it, as in, I express this need, this way, and I'm not out to undermine anybody, or test anybody, and everyone is clear on that, and they're happy to indulge me in it occasionally, yet tell me when I'm being ridiculous, then what's the harm... but I know it's not good.

*sigh*

 

[SinfulSailor]

I read this thread and I see several people who are laying claim to the title brat, and at the same time they say they don't like what the word means. Then there's all this talk about redefining the word, brat. Wtf is up with that? It makes absolutely no sense. Why are you married to this descriptor if you don't like what it means? Pick another word. If you don't have a word, pick a combination of words. But please don't marry yourself to a descriptor, decide you don't like what it means and then get on some high horse about how the whole rest of the world has to relearn the meaning of the word just to make you happy.

Is that being bratty? Is that being rude and spoiled?

And ummmm... well.... if those people then start throwing a fit about it......?

 

[LifelongCyn]

Just to add one more kink to the thread - I have an oppositional nature. As a child, even though I did everything that was asked of me, I operated with huge internal resistance to what I was doing. So now, many years later, I am still working with this knee-jerk impulse to resist. <snip>

Almost invariably, because the slavery requires me to overcome the resistance and take action in spite of my fear, I discover that I don't need to protect myself as much as I think I do. I can let go of some of that annoying "bratty" behavior. And it's totally liberating. . .

I reject the notion that the fact that I have a somewhat oppositional nature <snip>.

This interests me. By oppositional nature, do you mean that your immediate impulse is to say "no" or "make me"? Or do you question or force your PYL to justify his requests before you're willing to do as you've been asked?

 

[eastern sun]

This interests me. By oppositional nature, do you mean that your immediate impulse is to say "no" or "make me"? Or do you question or force your PYL to justify his requests before you're willing to do as you've been asked?

My habit as an adult has been to set myself up in opposition to whatever is in front of me. I think it allows me to experience myself as existing.

In other words, it's always been very easy for me to just blend into other people, adopt other people's points of views, reflect them or act on their subtle suggestions. As an immature adolescent, when I wanted to figure out who "I" was, I developed a habit of identifying myself as "not you."

Now I think I just wanted to know (and let everyone else know) that I existed. And it was easier to prove if I said "no." Like drawing boundaries around oneself.

Today it's probably most accurate to say I have a submissive nature with oppositional habits. But the habit is so deeply ingrained it feels like a fundamental piece of myself, like I wouldn't be "true" to myself if I didn't express my ability to see the opposing position.

It gets in my way when I'm resisting my husband's ideas. Or even my own ideas, once they've become formulated. I can argue against myself quite effectively. I never say "make me," because the outcome is too obvious. And I don't ask him to justify himself, I've already accepted the reasons for whatever he's asking of me. I've just started the habitual internal debate, and stalled the forward momentum.

He gets frustrated because the whole process ultimately becomes just a delaying tactic, slowing everything down. To him it seems like I'm trying to keep vestiges of control (and I probably am). To me it feels like I'm trying to avoid serious missteps on a burning tightrope. And it doesn't just come out with him. It's also present in my work and career.

I will always be grateful that my husband is a patient man.

 

[eastern sun]

Now all that said i understand a lot of this has to do with practicality. Would this dynamic work with someone you shared children and a mortgage with? Probably not. It works just fine for Daddy and i because we only see each other a few nights a month and its basically strictly a bedroom relationship. Although we chat and care about what is going on each others lives there is no real "vanilla" element to our relationship. Even if we were 24/7 though it would still be like this, he's just not afraid to deal with me on that level and its very easy for him to stop it when he chooses to, even when i am at my most stubborn. Once you dry fuck me in the ass once the threat of doing so again is a pretty powerful behavior modifier

I've always thought that a lot of the arguments and lines drawn in the sand stem from the fact that we're all approaching this thing called BDSM from wildly different circumstances.

As you mentioned, behavior that can be enjoyed and sustained a few nights a month may not be enjoyed and sustained 24/7. The same behavior might also signal a total breakdown in communication in an online only or long distance relationship where physical contact and face time is so limited.

In addition to the wide variety of personalities and fetishes, the differences in all these relationships needs to be kept in mind as well.

I love when people on these boards start expressing themselves, defining their positions, digging deeper and deeper into the particulars of their lives. I totally respect your experience ataxia. And, for me, it's really fun to hear you speak outside of your little girl voice. I can get to know you. And I like you.

The more we know about each other, the better we really understand where each perspective is coming from.

You go, girl. Nill illigitimi carborundum.

 

[SimonBrooke]

Why do you give a fuck what the "community" thinks? Why does anyone? How does the "community" affect your relationship with your PYL?

The "community" can think whatever the hell it wants about me, or not think about me at all, (which I suspect is the case), and it won't make one micron of difference in my life.

Yay! Go Keroin! You tell them, girl!

 

[ataxia.girl]

I read this thread and I see several people who are laying claim to the title brat, and at the same time they say they don't like what the word means. Then there's all this talk about redefining the word, brat. Wtf is up with that? It makes absolutely no sense. Why are you married to this descriptor if you don't like what it means? Pick another word. If you don't have a word, pick a combination of words. But please don't marry yourself to a descriptor, decide you don't like what it means and then get on some high horse about how the whole rest of the world has to relearn the meaning of the word just to make you happy.

Is that being bratty? Is that being rude and spoiled?

And ummmm... well.... if those people then start throwing a fit about it......?

Cuz i've been called a brat repeatedly and i know i act like one. i am okay with admitting i am emotionally immature though. i get defensive really easily. It bothers me and is something i have to really do a lot of work to self check in my everyday life. Its nice to have one relationship where i don't have to do that work, where i can just be completely myself, just be...