Spouse considering cheating--how would you feel?

[Kenny9990]

My wife has recently mentioned several times that she'd like to have sex with another man--sometimes she even mentions names of guys she'd like to screw. We're now late 40's and have been married 28 years.

I think she's mostly trying to punish me for an affair she found out about that is now over. But I also think she has regrets with having had limited sexual experiences with others before we were married--2-3 other guys in total.

So when I think about this prospect, I'm surprised to find myself pretty ambivalent. I'm not at all jealous when I think about another guy being with her and sometimes actually think it would be good for her to get some more experiences that she missed out on. Note this is totally different from my very jealous and protective thoughts when I was in my 20's.

I also wonder how common my reaction is. If you were in my place, how would you react? Would you be jealous and forbid her (how would you ever know), leave her alone to decide on her own, encourage her to pursue others? Maybe even set up a MFM 3-sum for her?

I'd love to hearfrom men and women as to how they'd feel in this situation.

 

[BgMma]

If I felt as you do, I would offer to arrange it for her.

If your marriage is surviving your own infidelity, then hers shouldn't be a problem.

There are serious issues that need to be dicussed between the both of you anyhow. You wouldn't have strayed yourself if you didn't have a reason.

But, if she is doing this as her way of punishing you, consider yourself lucky. Had I been married and my spouse cheated, he would be a changed man when I got finished.

So, find someone who can keep his mouth shut and is willing to play. Arrange a time and place and make yourself scarce.

After the deed is done, you may feel differently about it. Just desserts.

 

[Wiggles]

I'd be getting some divorce papers, personally.

 

[Fly_On_Wall]

considering and doing are completely different things

our minds will wonder.

there is a part of our brain we cannot controle.

if it is just this part acting I"d be jealous but not worried or do anything about it.

you can't prevent a person from haveing thoughts. you can't tell them what to think.

however if they actualy went ahead and cheeted... some serious shit need be happening after that.

 

[Kenny9990]

Well, if we talk about it in advance, and I agree that it's OK, then it's not really cheating, is it?

After many years of marriage, the jealous thoughts of another guy getting what's "mine" are gone. It's easier now to try to look at things fairly, and from her perspective.

Also, it's not as if she/I lose something if another guy gets in her pussy. It's still there for me when I want it. To me at least, not falling for another guy is a more important issue than just the sex.

 

[Guest]

Ten years ago I would have had a hissy fit.

Now I'd be fine with it. I'd prefer it if I knew, but she didn't know I knew. If you know what I mean.

 

[KillerMuffin]

You sound like you might be rationalizing something you're against, but can't come up with a good reason to be against it other than"because." Particularly in light of past infidelity.

It's very simple. Two wrongs don't make a right. Simply because you cheated doesn't mean that she can cheat, too. She can use that excuse, good for the goose and all that, but when it gets down to it, we're humans, not an accounting ledger.

Marriage can survive infidelity, but very, very few of them survive the open marriage part.

If this is something you find exciting and not just "okay" then go for it. If you have reservations, you have every right to air them regardless of what you've done in the past. She's either forgiven you or she hasn't. If she hasn't, then perpetrating more infidelity is going to make matters worse.

I think that while you may feel ambivelant about it now, you won't in the future. It may be that she doesn't feel ambivelant about it at all. If there's a good chance that she's doing this partly to get back at you, then I would wonder how strongly she really wants to be married to you. If you're feeling blase about the whole thing, I would also wonder how much you want to be married to her. These aren't the feelings that generally get associated with strong marital bonds. "Revenge" and "apathy" don't really sound good, if you know what I mean.

If you want her to go catting around because you're proud of her sexuality and it makes you hot, that's one thing. But if you let her go out and about because you're not jealous anymore and you don't care, that's something else entirely. That's pulling away, not getting together. And adding other people to the marital bed is only going to push away more and more.

But, that's just my take on the situation and I'm reading a lot into it. Personally, I could care less, but sex doesn't mean much to me. I don't, however, want an open marriage. I wouldn't be jealous, but it would drive a wedge between us that I don't want to have. Physical intimacy isn't all that important to me, but the emotional intimacy is and he's not the kind of person who can have sex without emotional intimacy.

 

[sheath]

Been there...

If she is considering cheating, then there is something missing in your relationship. And ignoring it WILL make it go away, just not in the way you think.

If you let her go, be prepared to be just as forgiving as she was about YOUR infidelity. And if she falls in love with the guy, well...you asked for it when you let her go, right?

S.

 

[DeBlay]

A very long and thoughtful reply. Also, ambivalent is spelled with the "a" and then the "e," not the other way around.

 

[I'mVan]

Doesn't sound like 'cheating', if she's talking to you about it.

Sheath is right, she wouldn't be looking if she was getting all her needs met at home. If all she's looking for outside the marriage is sex, you can either (or probably both) work on meeting those needs yourself, or help her meet them outside, in a controlled way.

 

[Kenny9990]

Whew, thanks for your well-thought out and lengthy inputs. You have made some very good points.

First, if she goes ahead after we have discussed it and I have agreed/encouraged her, I don't consider it cheating. It's more moving on to a different type of relationship. I would be hurt if we agreed she would not sleep with another, but then went ahead. But more for the deception than for the sex.

When we were first married, there is no way I could have considered this--I was way too jealous. Now, it's easier to see "sex is just sex, and love is different".

I am a bit concerned about her motivation--how much is "pay back" but I also think that encouraging her to explore her sexuality a bit might help her grow. And satisfy a long-felt need--I'd think it would be very hard to go through life with only a small handful of lovers. Variety is (or at least can be) the spice of life.

I recognize that she could become attached to another and it could damage/ruin our marriage. I am FAR MORE concerned about this than about her getting laid by anothjer man. But sometimes you just have to take risks.

Marriage commitment doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. For some, sexual fidelity is all important. To others, it's less so.

To each his own.........