Polyamory

[ecstaticsub]

I can't agree with person having a "cheater's mindset" if they want to be poly but not want to allow their significant other to be with others also. A cheater in my opinion is someone who has relationships with others but keeps it a secret from their spouse/SO. As long as the spouse/SO knows the whole truth then that's not cheating. For the reasons I previously mentioned in this thread and other reasons I don't think I would ever be comfortable with my husband being poly. Fortunately for me he is not. If in the future he came to me and said he wanted to be with someone else I would listen with an open mind...but, to be honest it would be very difficult.

The difference for us is that he enjoys and gets off on the fact that I have sex with other men. He doesn't just tolerate it. On the other hand I would get no sexual enjoyment whatsoever from him being with someone else.

Just because one half of a couple is poly doesn't mean the other half has to be.

 

[nh23]

I can't agree with person having a "cheater's mindset" if they want to be poly but not want to allow their significant other to be with others also. A cheater in my opinion is someone who has relationships with others but keeps it a secret from their spouse/SO. As long as the spouse/SO knows the whole truth then that's not cheating. For the reasons I previously mentioned in this thread and other reasons I don't think I would ever be comfortable with my husband being poly. Fortunately for me he is not. If in the future he came to me and said he wanted to be with someone else I would listen with an open mind...but, to be honest it would be very difficult.

The difference for us is that he enjoys and gets off on the fact that I have sex with other men. He doesn't just tolerate it. On the other hand I would get no sexual enjoyment whatsoever from him being with someone else.

Just because one half of a couple is poly doesn't mean the other half has to be.

I'm not going to make a broad statement and say that everyone in a relationship where only one person sees others outside of the marriage has a cheaters mindset. Just like in your case. You have made it clear that your husband has no desire to see others outside of you. You've also made it clear that he's not wired to be poly. That's a totally different situation.

A cheaters mindset to me.. Have you ever met those people who cheat on their S/O, but will bluntly tell you if my S/O ever cheated on me I'd kill them etc? I want everything that will make ME happy, I refuse to see that the same things could make you happy too. That to me is a cheaters mindset.

I just don't understand someone claiming to be poly, not being able to realize these same emotions in their partner. Saying I want YOU to get over your insecurities about me being with other people, but I'm not going to do the same. My insecurities about you seeing other people are more valid than yours, so I'm going to see who I want, and keep you trapped in that little box that I hated being in so much. I know it's individual in every relationship..I just don't understand it myself.

 

[Caitlynne]

But what I've seen myself in nearly every case is that the partner who introduces the idea and "forces" the discussion, to whatever degree, is for some ironic reason rarely the one who gets to hook up first. It's like god's little joke

Thank you for reading my posts. I truly appreciate it.

As to the "god's little joke", funny because that is my experience as well. One partner wants to open up the relationship, but it is the other partner that encounters the reality. I consider it karmic in a way. As if it is putting the original partner to the test saying, "is this what you truly mean?" And, "are you wiling to accept that your partner will do the same?" It's like a trial by fire in a way. Interesting in many ways.

 

[sexycaz22]

A cheater in my opinion is someone who has relationships with others but keeps it a secret from their spouse/SO. As long as the spouse/SO knows the whole truth then that's not cheating.

Yes I fully agree with you on what is a cheaters mindset, this view is very similar to mine on what is a cheaters mindset.

A cheaters mindset to me.. Have you ever met those people who cheat on their S/O, but will bluntly tell you if my S/O ever cheated on me I'd kill them etc? I want everything that will make ME happy, I refuse to see that the same things could make you happy too. That to me is a cheaters mindset.

I see what you mean, Nh, and I do agree with you, I don't think I could handle somone wheter it to be a Dom or a equal partner, telling me that I am not allowed to see other people, but he can. I just know that I would be miseable, and as the relationship progresses, I will always wonder if I am good enough for him, and be extermely jealous that he can go off and have other relationships with other people and I can't. Because from the bottom of my heart, I just know that I am wired for poly, since I don't really see myself committing to one person, as my heart is made of lot of love for two or more people, since I have been in love with two people at the same time so I know that my heart can handle loving more than one person. However, it will take a very special guy for me to be committed in a monogamy way.

 

[Netzach]

I'm not primary to one of my partners. Until I had my own primary, IE a place to put my romantic focus and attention it was hard, now it's the icing on a cake that exists, rather than something making me always go "where's my fucking cake?"

For this reason, I'm shepherding H, my slave, to at least fool around in the adult pool a bit.

 

[nh23]

Yes I fully agree with you on what is a cheaters mindset, this view is very similar to mine on what is a cheaters mindset.



I see what you mean, Nh, and I do agree with you, I don't think I could handle somone wheter it to be a Dom or a equal partner, telling me that I am not allowed to see other people, but he can. I just know that I would be miseable, and as the relationship progresses, I will always wonder if I am good enough for him, and be extermely jealous that he can go off and have other relationships with other people and I can't. Because from the bottom of my heart, I just know that I am wired for poly, since I don't really see myself committing to one person, as my heart is made of lot of love for two or more people, since I have been in love with two people at the same time so I know that my heart can handle loving more than one person. However, it will take a very special guy for me to be committed in a monogamy way.

*nods* I think Caitlynn said it best. It's something that needs to pretty much be discussed up front no matter the situation. That way there isn't trouble in the long run.

 

[Homburg]

I've seen definitions of Swinging and Poly, but I've also heard the term "Open relationship" used by friends onvolved in simlar activities. Is that just a synonym for Poly, or Swinging?

 

[EmpressFi]

I've seen definitions of Swinging and Poly, but I've also heard the term "Open relationship" used by friends onvolved in simlar activities. Is that just a synonym for Poly, or Swinging?

I kinda always thought "Open" was a synonym for swinging... you were open to have sex with others..

 

[Homburg]

I kinda always thought "Open" was a synonym for swinging... you were open to have sex with others..

Swinging seems focused and couples-based, and much more like a lifestyle. S'why I asked if there was a difference. The couple in particular that described themselves as open were not swingers so far as I am aware, as the two of them do not do extra-marital activities together.

 

[HottieMama]

i describe my ideal LTR setting as "open." What i mean by that is that while my significant other may be my primary, we are both free to seek other lovers independently...doesn't matter if it is for just sex, or for a more "emotional" involvement.

Not swinging in that i have no real desire to be involved with their other lovers, nor have any real desire to have them involved with mine.

 

[ecstaticsub]

This is how I have seen how people use different labels

An "open" marriage is one where both spouses are free to have extramarital relationships. Most of the people I know who have this kind of relationship have a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" agreement. They don't hide their other relationships but they don't talk about them either (to anybody)

"Swinging" is as a couple with other couples usually without any emotional attachments, though they may be friends with the other couple

"Wifesharing"--is where the couple brings in another person (male or female) into the relationship usually just for sex and usually just to have sex with the wife. The husband gets his pleasure from watching. Occasionally the wife will have permission to have sex outside the marriage without the husband being present. The husband in this case gets off on hearing the "story" of what his wife did.

(I have never heard of "Husbandsharing" though..)

Poly--as I understand it is as people have said above. It is not just sex, it is being in love with more than one person.

 

[HottieMama]

An "open" marriage is one where both spouses are free to have extramarital relationships. Most of the people I know who have this kind of relationship have a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" agreement. They don't hide their other relationships but they don't talk about them either (to anybody)

i'm different. One of my "qualifiers" for MY "open relationship" is full disclosure to all parties involved.

 

[ecstaticsub]

i'm different. One of my "qualifiers" for MY "open relationship" is full disclosure to all parties involved.

I personally think full disclosure is easier and in the end better, at least it would be for me. But for the two couples who I know in this "don't ask, don't tell" kind of relationship it seems to work well.

 

[serijules]

Difference between swinging and poly? Simple as pie to me....swinging centers around sexual interaction with limited emotional investment. Poly relationships are emotional investments at the core.

 

[nh23]

Swinging seems focused and couples-based, and much more like a lifestyle. S'why I asked if there was a difference. The couple in particular that described themselves as open were not swingers so far as I am aware, as the two of them do not do extra-marital activities together.

I've been known to refer to J and I as having an open marriage. I usually use the word open when I talk to vanilla people, for some reason a lot of them aren't familiar with the term poly, but if I say open marriage they get what I'm saying. To me open can go both ways, either poly or swinging. To me it just means you've opened your relationship to other people.

 

[Homburg]

Okay, so it is just a generic term. Thanks.

 

[Caitlynne]

I've seen definitions of Swinging and Poly, but I've also heard the term "Open relationship" used by friends involved in similar activities. Is that just a synonym for Poly, or Swinging?

Simply put the answer is yes it is, but each couple defines their own rules, boundaries, restrictions, etc. It can involve polyamorous activities or simply sexual activities. In my opinion, the key is the degree of attachment that is allowed or agreeed upon as a possibility.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I've seen definitions of Swinging and Poly, but I've also heard the term "Open relationship" used by friends onvolved in simlar activities. Is that just a synonym for Poly, or Swinging?

I always think of 'open' as meaning both are free to see others seperately and disconnected from your partner, but usually not that serious but usually some form of relationship or constancy, whereas swinging is based mainly on sexual encounters with others which do not necessarily have an emotional involvement and are usually purely sexual, and poly as relationships where the relationships are often more serious and emotionally involved in some way and sometimes involving your partner as well on some level.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

Our activities probably fall in with swinging, but I hate the term and I don't care for the self-defined "swinger" subculture wherever I've encountered it. So I prefer "open" - it's not as relationally involved to me as "poly" is, but it's not the usual heterocentric sport fuck scene that "swinging" is.

 

[nh23]

I was curious as to people who are in more than one relationship, do you spend time with both partners at once or is it usually separate?

For J and I in the beginning we did most everything together. Since I've been with D we have maintained things separately for the most part. On occasion I will still go with J, but he never goes with me to see D.

 

[EmpressFi]

I was going to say that for the most part we're separate, but it's about 50/50. Most times, Malin and I pick the same weekend and go see our OSO's or one comes here and we go there.. but there have been times when one of us has stayed while another OSO comes here and once we had a weekend getaway to Atlantic City with both our OSO's.. the 4 of us.. it was a fun day..

 

[HottieMama]

i'm really beginning to think i'm not cut out for this...


and that realization seriously sucks!

 

[nh23]

i'm really beginning to think i'm not cut out for this...


and that realization seriously sucks!

*hugs* It's not always easy..We are all here if you need someone to talk to, or bounce things off of.

 

[EmpressFi]

*hugs* It's not always easy..We are all here if you need someone to talk to, or bounce things off of.

Ditto..

 

[BiBunny]

I was curious as to people who are in more than one relationship, do you spend time with both partners at once or is it usually separate?

For J and I in the beginning we did most everything together. Since I've been with D we have maintained things separately for the most part. On occasion I will still go with J, but he never goes with me to see D.

Well, I guess you could say Kitty is my primary relationship (and the only one I have right now). We tend to partner-share when one or both of us have other relationships, but it's not a necessary thing. So sometimes three of us get together and hang out. We usually don't both have other partners at the same time, by some strange freak of nature, LOL, so we've never had more than three people together at once. Not to say it won't happen, though.