Polyamory

[Etoile]

It has GOT to be separate for me. I can't stand when the three of us are together, it makes my jealousy meter go haywire. Sometimes I tolerate it - like right now, C. is down here visiting my wife, and we are all in the same house, but I sleep separately because they are having time together. Even when we're just watching TV though, before we go to our separate bedrooms (two floors apart), I get so antsy. I just do not like it. They think we should all live together, but at this point I can't predict ever being able to - we'll have to see. Right now, it MUST be separate.

 

[serijules]

I was curious as to people who are in more than one relationship, do you spend time with both partners at once or is it usually separate?

For J and I in the beginning we did most everything together. Since I've been with D we have maintained things separately for the most part. On occasion I will still go with J, but he never goes with me to see D.

My situation is different than most here in the sense that my poly situation is D/S based, not romantic as many seem to be talking of, but I thought I'd answer anyhow.

I am close friends with one of Ma'ams subs. We get along well and often spend time together the 3 of us when I visit. Same with her maid. One of her subs I know online, but we don't get along much so we just simply don't interact.

Some of her play partners I am around occasionally. I can't say I always like this much...depends on the person. It's kind of hard when a lot of people are infatuated with someone you are close to or in my case, belong to. It's hard to not feel insecure, but I'm getting a lot better at that.

 

[Bandit58]

"Wifesharing"--is where the couple brings in another person (male or female) into the relationship usually just for sex and usually just to have sex with the wife. The husband gets his pleasure from watching. Occasionally the wife will have permission to have sex outside the marriage without the husband being present. The husband in this case gets off on hearing the "story" of what his wife did.

(I have never heard of "Husbandsharing" though..)

This is basically what we do. I have a married female play partner who I see alone, and Sir and I have a female friend we see together. Definitely NO other males involved, my choice as well as His.

He has not had sex with our friend, although He has performed oral on her and used His hands. We are slowly working through my "insecurities" - because this is still so new to me, I need to process my feelings with regard to fully sharing Him. I know He loves me to death and would never do anything to jeopardise our relationship, I come first and always will. I know this, and yet it's still hard for me to get my head around some of it. I expect as time goes on I will become more comfortable with things, I just need time to work through it in my head.

Note - communication lines are well and truly open and I can say what's on my mind about this as and when I need to discuss it

 

[EmpressFi]

It has GOT to be separate for me. I can't stand when the three of us are together, it makes my jealousy meter go haywire. Sometimes I tolerate it - like right now, C. is down here visiting my wife, and we are all in the same house, but I sleep separately because they are having time together. Even when we're just watching TV though, before we go to our separate bedrooms (two floors apart), I get so antsy. I just do not like it. They think we should all live together, but at this point I can't predict ever being able to - we'll have to see. Right now, it MUST be separate.

I know how that feels. When one of Malin's OSO's visit, I sleep in the guest room and they sleep in our room. We'll be watching movies together or out to dinner together.. but the rest of the time, I'm on my own and it's their time. ALthough I'm not really jealous of his time with them. All we ask of each other is no making out in front of each other.. and I usually wear headphones so I dont hear him scream.. *grin*.

Master has been here to visit while Malin is here and in both instances, we stayed in the guest room. We even just call that room "our" room. I dont know how I'd be if he had someone else

 

[Etoile]

This is how I have seen how people use different labels

An "open" marriage is one where both spouses are free to have extramarital relationships. Most of the people I know who have this kind of relationship have a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" agreement. They don't hide their other relationships but they don't talk about them either (to anybody)

"Swinging" is as a couple with other couples usually without any emotional attachments, though they may be friends with the other couple

"Wifesharing"--is where the couple brings in another person (male or female) into the relationship usually just for sex and usually just to have sex with the wife. The husband gets his pleasure from watching. Occasionally the wife will have permission to have sex outside the marriage without the husband being present. The husband in this case gets off on hearing the "story" of what his wife did.

(I have never heard of "Husbandsharing" though..)

Poly--as I understand it is as people have said above. It is not just sex, it is being in love with more than one person.

Just wondering, how do you compare cuckolding with wifesharing or any of your other terms?

 

[Caitlynne]

I was curious as to people who are in more than one relationship, do you spend time with both partners at once or is it usually separate?

For J and I in the beginning we did most everything together. Since I've been with D we have maintained things separately for the most part. On occasion I will still go with J, but he never goes with me to see D.

In the first poly relationship I engaged in, we all lived on the same piece of property, but I had my own smaller house. L and n lived in the big house with their children. I lived in the back house with my one child.

We did a LOT of things together--sex included. We also had private time with L and we had a lot of time together as mothers, with the kids and such. It was a real working relationship and we all related as a unit when it came to our jobs, child care, home, etc. It was really like a polygamy situation, except of course I wasn't a legal wife.

My experience with poly was just so different than I see described here. She and I actually loved each other as well as loving L, and sometimes we even banned together to make a point or a case for something with L. [grins]

There were a lot of typical female attributes that we excelled at. We were cooperative, and we really covered the work load of families, baseball practice, cooking, laundry, etc. We did the day to day thing like best friends. That goes a long way toward eliminating a lot of the jealousy issues. She was my best friend and we lived as a working triad for a long time. L ruled, but we acted as co-wives and we loved each other.

The current poly situation is too complicated to get into. I'm sure I'd time out typing the response, so I won't bother.

 

[Netzach]

I was curious as to people who are in more than one relationship, do you spend time with both partners at once or is it usually separate?

For J and I in the beginning we did most everything together. Since I've been with D we have maintained things separately for the most part. On occasion I will still go with J, but he never goes with me to see D.

Both.

M and H click really really well. I do get some "alone time" with H as an important part of a balanced diet, but we've played and spent time together. M is more into H sexually than I am and that works well across the board.

My bull has met H briefly and was hip to the dynamic so spent some time being overtly sexual with me to tease him, it was fun. They also had a lot to just blab about, so that was nice, but there's not a lot of direct interaction there.

My bull and M and I have done various levels of interaction, when schedules permit. M's sexual interest in my bull is funny, it goes full bore when he's crossdressed and less so when he's not. This is dandy though, because my bull's sexual interest in M skyrockets when he's dressed. Getting together and with M dressed though, is a kind of modern day rocket science of time management, so I'm usually alone with my bull and when I've had dirty weekends M has sometimes not been in the mood and sometimes has been in the mood to join part of the time.

Me, I'm a voyeur. I think I like watching them fuck as much as I like fucking them. I'd be AS hot to be exiled onto the couch as anything else, it's ALL good. No headphones required. I guess for me the little head really does override a lot of strife. I remember watching M make out with a girlfriend one time - there was a little static of jealousy for about five seconds and then most of what I was thinking was "oh my god, that's what he must look like lying on top of me, that is so fucking hot..." Maybe if there was a lot of continuity I'd have more issues, but mostly these are "flavors" for us, so much of our time is not with others together.

I'm good as long as I know where I stand. If I start getting jealous it basically means that you need to stroke my fur and tell me how pretty and special I am in all the world and I'll wave and say "have fun fucking" and be fine then.

I see my bull at a set time every week. Sometimes I worry that M might be jealous, but it seems we share wiring, because he'll come home and ask what I did and want to have sex while we talk about the sex I had that afternoon, or at least be teased, if it comes up at all.

M, though, gets the vast majority of my time, is the one I want to live with if I could just pick any of the three on paper, and is the ideal partner for me. I think everyone involved would agree that the balance is correct. If I could change one thing it would be more proximity from H and more free time for my bull, but it is what it is.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I was curious as to people who are in more than one relationship, do you spend time with both partners at once or is it usually separate?

For J and I in the beginning we did most everything together. Since I've been with D we have maintained things separately for the most part. On occasion I will still go with J, but he never goes with me to see D.

Always separate. My husband has never even talked or communicated in any way with my Dom. The last time I visited my Dom it was during the end of a vacation with just my husband and I (left the kids home with grandmom) My husband stayed in his hotel room and I went and spent two days in my Dom's room on another floor. I met up with my husband once during that time just to call the kids and then went back to my Dom.

I would like them to meet sometime, but my husband for a variety of reasons doesn't want to at this time. It doesn't make any difference to my
Dom. It's not that big of a deal for me, so whatever works for everyone else is fine.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Just wondering, how do you compare cuckolding with wifesharing or any of your other terms?

Loaded question for me personally. This is the merriam webster definition-
: a man whose wife is unfaithful. From hanging out on wifesharing boards and talking to others who wifeshare it seems most use cuckolding to mean a husband whose wife dates and/or has sex with other men with or without the husbands permission but with his knowledge. Usually the husband is submissive to the wife or both the wife and her lover. There is usually some humiliation/shame involved.

For me personally, and I repeat this is just for me personally in my own relationship--no judgement on others--but the word cuckold turns my stomach. Probably because if I was to be very honest there are some elements of the above definition in my own relationship. But it is those elements that I do NOT enjoy. I don't like thinking of my husband as being a cuckold or being submissive to me or my Dom. And my husband outside of the time we talk about it during sex does not see himself as a cuckold or submissive. I really don't want D/s in my marriage. This balance between fantasy and reality and transitioning back and forth is something my husband and I are working on smoothing out a bit.

 

[nh23]

Wow! Thanks to everyone for your replies.

My situation is different than most here in the sense that my poly situation is D/S based, not romantic as many seem to be talking of, but I thought I'd answer anyhow.

seri, I'm wondering what you mean by your poly situation is D/s based, not romantic? Do you mean the you're not in love with your ma'am, or that the D/s dynamic overrules feelings of love? And I'm glad for your reply! I like to get answers from a variety of people. We are all different and it's interesting to see how each dynamic works.

 

[lux221]

this might be awful of me, but i can't stand the thought of my husband having romantic feelings for another woman. i'm fine with him fucking other women, i just turn into a basket case at the thought of him feeling romantic love for them.

this is why we are "open", but not poly. and i'm fine with us being with the same girl in the same bed.

it makes no sense at all, but there it is.

 

[nh23]

this might be awful of me, but i can't stand the thought of my husband having romantic feelings for another woman. i'm fine with him fucking other women, i just turn into a basket case at the thought of him feeling romantic love for them.

this is why we are "open", but not poly. and i'm fine with us being with the same girl in the same bed.

it makes no sense at all, but there it is.

Not awful of you..just honest. My husband and I started out as open. It was his idea to open our relationship, and I was the one who found that I was polyamorous, when I met my Dom. We did open our relationship though with the understanding that emotional feelings may be involved. Sometimes you're not looking for it..it just happens. Like in my case.

 

[Homburg]

this might be awful of me, but i can't stand the thought of my husband having romantic feelings for another woman. i'm fine with him fucking other women, i just turn into a basket case at the thought of him feeling romantic love for them.

this is why we are "open", but not poly. and i'm fine with us being with the same girl in the same bed.

it makes no sense at all, but there it is.

Nah, makes sense to me. My wife has similar concerns. And that's not even getting into my own issues. So, yeah, I understand, and I don't think it's awful at all. It's just how you feel.

 

[Caitlynne]

this might be awful of me, but i can't stand the thought of my husband having romantic feelings for another woman. i'm fine with him fucking other women, i just turn into a basket case at the thought of him feeling romantic love for them.

this is why we are "open", but not poly. and i'm fine with us being with the same girl in the same bed.

it makes no sense at all, but there it is.

It makes perfect sense.

Truth is, we are all different and we *should* endeavor to make the relationship fit who we actually are. There is no one size fits all when it comes to relationships. What is important is for each of us to understand who we are, want we need and want, and what we can live with. If we begin by being honest with ourselves and then being honest with a partner then we will be able to forge a relationship that works for us.

So, if you are passionate and don't want to share the affection you feel then that is who you are and how you should construct your relationship for success. It really is as simple as that, so good for you for recognizing your needs and dealing with them honestly.

Just as a bit of full disclosure, I don't want people to think that I see poly as preferential. I see it as something that has worked for me, but for some very specific reasons. Monogamy has also worked for me. Each has a set of unique problems and they both bring out specific [but different] issues for me, but I don't see one or the other as preferential.

I have insecurities, but they take an unusual form in monogamy. I feel the pressure [way too much] to be everything, to meet every need, and the sense of failure can overwhelm me so much so that it impacts the entire relationship. I know no one can be everything, and my partners have told me that. But it has nothing to do with pressure put on me by another to 'be everything' it is pressure I put on myself--and it is neurotic--not normal. In monogamy, I tend to be stressed trying to meet every need and the result isn't pretty for me. I have guilt issues [big time] regarding any failure to meet a need, and monogamy can just be a constant stresser for me.

In poly relationships, I can relax a bit more, I know that if I fail, then another can pick up the slack somewhat. It's mostly perceptual, as of course people really aren't interchangeable like that, but it works on my psyche in a way that allows me to relax from that 'I need to be everything. I need to be perfect' thing that happens to me.

Just thought I'd throw that out there, I wanted to give a more accurate picture of my own psyche. I'm damaged in some pretty specific ways and poly can lessen the consequences of that damage if built right. I certainly don't want to leave the impression that poly is some higher state of being and I'm so perfect for being able to overcome jealousy. Jealousy isn't a problem for me, which is why poly works for me on other levels, but I have other issues that impact relationships just as negatively as jealousy can if not addressed and handled.

 

[lux221]

thanks for your replies. i know it's my own issue and i'm grateful that i married a man who isn't pushing me into something i can't handle right now. plus he's not really interested in fostering a romantic relationship with other women. i'm still working on my issue with it though, because i think it's healthy for me to do so.

 

[Netzach]

this might be awful of me, but i can't stand the thought of my husband having romantic feelings for another woman. i'm fine with him fucking other women, i just turn into a basket case at the thought of him feeling romantic love for them.

this is why we are "open", but not poly. and i'm fine with us being with the same girl in the same bed.

it makes no sense at all, but there it is.

I totally understand having tolerances and limits. However this is, to me, like forbidding my husband to be in an earthquake.

I may be more of a romantic than I let on, but nothing like proscription gets a romance going full steam ahead. If it's going to happen it is going to happen. It happens among people cheating, it happens among people having one night stands and it happens among friends. I will say it does seem to happen less among people who really go out of the way to have sex where it can't happen, but you can never entirely remove the possibility from your life that your loved one may fall in love with another. And from there it's all "what are you going to do about it?"


And I relate to all of Caitlynne's issues with monogamy, the pressure and containment is hard enough in a primary rel. To the point where I've just removed myself from situations where multiple partners are a push or a problem.

 

[Netzach]

Cuckolding drives me batshit as a word. There's really no good word for it when your husband is submissive to you, but doesn't find your desire to fuck other people especially humiliating so much as hot, AND you still like to fuck him AND it's not about dick size...is there?

I do claim it though and I like "cuckoldress" as a word because it really does have this wonderful short explanation of "I control my sexuality, get it boy?" Of course there's no word for doing this with women, but I find they are even more into the denial games.

 

[BiBunny]

Me, I'm a voyeur. I think I like watching them fuck as much as I like fucking them. I'd be AS hot to be exiled onto the couch as anything else, it's ALL good. No headphones required. I guess for me the little head really does override a lot of strife. I remember watching M make out with a girlfriend one time - there was a little static of jealousy for about five seconds and then most of what I was thinking was "oh my god, that's what he must look like lying on top of me, that is so fucking hot..." Maybe if there was a lot of continuity I'd have more issues, but mostly these are "flavors" for us, so much of our time is not with others together.

I'm good as long as I know where I stand. If I start getting jealous it basically means that you need to stroke my fur and tell me how pretty and special I am in all the world and I'll wave and say "have fun fucking" and be fine then.

Shit, I seriously think we were separated at birth sometimes. Both paragraphs, but the last one in particular, sound exactly like me.

 

[lux221]

I totally understand having tolerances and limits. However this is, to me, like forbidding my husband to be in an earthquake.

I may be more of a romantic than I let on, but nothing like proscription gets a romance going full steam ahead. If it's going to happen it is going to happen. It happens among people cheating, it happens among people having one night stands and it happens among friends. I will say it does seem to happen less among people who really go out of the way to have sex where it can't happen, but you can never entirely remove the possibility from your life that your loved one may fall in love with another. And from there it's all "what are you going to do about it?"


And I relate to all of Caitlynne's issues with monogamy, the pressure and containment is hard enough in a primary rel. To the point where I've just removed myself from situations where multiple partners are a push or a problem.

well, i agree, actually. thankfully, he's ok with just swinging for now and not getting more emotionaly involved than having sex, and a few laughs, entails. if he were to fall in love with someone else i wouldn't leave him. hopefully i will have worked on my issue with it enough to not go completely batshit bonkers, and we would work it out. i'm trying work on me because i know it's possible - the heart doesn't give crap whether you want to fall in love or not.

 

[serijules]

Wow! Thanks to everyone for your replies.




seri, I'm wondering what you mean by your poly situation is D/s based, not romantic? Do you mean the you're not in love with your ma'am, or that the D/s dynamic overrules feelings of love? And I'm glad for your reply! I like to get answers from a variety of people. We are all different and it's interesting to see how each dynamic works.

I love her. She loves me. We say it many times a day and mean it, buttt.....

we are not in love.

I'm not her romantic partner, her girlfriend, her lover or anything like that. I'm her property, her slave. So our relationship is first and foremost that of slave and Owner. We are other things to one another too...friends, for certain, but I would always be someone she would say "this is seri, she belongs to me" or "she is my girl"....and that's exactly how she introduces me to most anyone we meet, vanilla or otherwise She says it with such no-nonsense conviction that oddly enough, few people ever seem to wonder about it. lol

I've had feelings of being in love with her before, but she doesn't share them, and neither of us are willing to mix the romance with the M/s. So I've learned to deal with those feelings. We both feel that slavery and romance are not a good mix because in the end, the romantic partnership comes first, and this doesn't mix with our definition of ownedship/ownership. I for one would not be willing to do anything that would alter the dynamic and focus we have, so it does make those other feelings a lot easier to deal with. I still have a hard time when she is dating though.

 

[Caitlynne]

And I relate to all of Caitlynne's issues with monogamy, the pressure and containment is hard enough in a primary rel. To the point where I've just removed myself from situations where multiple partners are a push or a problem.

It can get so bad for me that I feel like I'm drowning. I end up just wanting to be alone so I don't fail anyone. That pushes a partner away, and usually into someone else's arms so I can be alone and not feel guilty about abandoning a partner and his needs. It's [was] a vicious cycle.

I'm lucky that I done a lot of work on myself, and I'm in a relationship now that appreciates me and all of my neurosis. LOL You know the "whatever made me this way, is cool because it made me who I am now" kind of thing.

Expectations are just so high in monogamy. I mean if you look at it, expectations are astronomically high. You have to love only one--forever. They have to love only you. That sounds all nice and romantic, and it is, but in reality it means that only one person is there to meet each and every need relationship wise. There is no one else that is allowed into the mix. That's a lot of pressure, and I feel it's a set up to feel like a failure.

People in traditional monogamous relationships expect that their partner will meet their needs -- forever. Which is the romantic part. Makes all the happy cells do a happy dance. But the reverse is also true, you are expected to meet all of his or her needs. When the blush of romance is on the rose it's all cool and you both do a happy dance of love and 'aren't we so special, we're in love", but they reality sets in.

The pressure is unbelievable to be everything. And add to that, you can't seek relief anywhere outside that relationship because that introduces a whole other ball of wax--infidelity. And I don't mean just sexual fidelity. Everyone is ranting on and on now a days about emotional fidelity. So now monogamy also means you can't even get too close to anyone else without a dire consequence. It's all enough to send me to a nunnery the pressure to be perfect is overwhelming.

And some poor guy has to be everything to me. I'm submissive, I can't have that for crying out loud. I can't even wrap my brain around some Dom being responsible for all of my needs. Nope. Can't do that. That thought alone is enough to send me into a full blown melt down. He can do it if that's what he wants, but to construct the relationship where there is only one person to meet each and every relationship need--oh the pressure is making me hyper ventilate just thinking about it writing this post. LOL

I just can't live with it under most circumstances. I found in that early poly experience that the burden of meeting the needs of another could be shared, and the needs were met, but I wasn't overwhelmed by the pressure to perfectly do everything. He was happy, and I was not overwhelmed with guilt over not being perfect.

It's my own personal cross to bear, but I found the necessary positive in poly that allows me to live a lot more comfortably than most in that kind of relationship. That, and my experience has truly been that I loved all the partners. It helped.

 

[ecstaticsub]

My husband and I dated for 5 years before we got married and while we were both in college/grad school. We knew we were in love and would marry eventually but had an agreement that we could date others but could only fuck another person once. The thought at the time was that anything after one night of sex emotions could set in and be harmful to our relationship. Well, all that was good in theory. He dated very little while I felt like I was at a smorgesbord and dated/fucked around a lot. Then I did end up having sex with a friend once..and then twice and then regularly. I kept this to myself until after almost a year I had spent the evening in bed with my friend and went back to my apartment to find my then boyfriend/now husband. I just could not have sex with him right after having sex with my "friend" without him knowing. So I spilled the whole story. To my surprise my husband became extremely aroused and we had some of the best sex of our lives. That is how we started "wifesharing".

 

[Etoile]

Shit, I seriously think we were separated at birth sometimes. Both paragraphs, but the last one in particular, sound exactly like me.

That would be so hawt to have a Bunny-Etoile-Netzach sandwich. Who doesn't want to do twins?!

And "cuckold" as a word drives me crazy too, just because it's so clunky.

 

[serijules]

That would be so hawt to have a Bunny-Etoile-Netzach sandwich. Who doesn't want to do twins?!

I want me some of that...

 

[nh23]

well, i agree, actually. thankfully, he's ok with just swinging for now and not getting more emotionaly involved than having sex, and a few laughs, entails. if he were to fall in love with someone else i wouldn't leave him. hopefully i will have worked on my issue with it enough to not go completely batshit bonkers, and we would work it out. i'm trying work on me because i know it's possible - the heart doesn't give crap whether you want to fall in love or not.

*nods* That's what happened to me, I wasn't looking for love. I met D..and well I couldn't help myself..lol.