Polyamory

[ownedsubgal]

The way I define poly is not "the desire for multiple romantic/sexual relationships" but as "the emotional and mental wiring that allows to love and be in love with multiple persons/partners at the same time"

The fact that the feeling are acted upon or not and why, is not the defining point.

agreed, that is how i have always understood/defined poly also and why i do not identify as poly.

 

[jenniferbaby]

The way I define poly is not "the desire for multiple romantic/sexual relationships" but as "the emotional and mental wiring that allows to love and be in love with multiple persons/partners at the same time"

Thanks for the concise definition and clarification.

Surely the "reasons" are more a defining element than the desire itself. Someone can desire multiple partners without necessarily being poly nor a cheater (see swinger, swapper, wifeshare, cockhold, open relationships, etc).

So say a person is not a cheater or into swinging, swapping, wifesharing, cuckolding, or open relationships. The person is in love with more than one person, including the primary partner in the unsatisfying relationship. More than likely the person would not have sought to fall in love with anyone else if the unsatisfying relationship was satisfying. Is this person poly?

I realize the situation seems more complicated to me as I try to type it out.

 

[BiBunny]

Monogamy and polyamory, I think, are simply points, possibly the end-points, on a spectrum of human mating behaviors. Kind of like the Kinsey scale of sexuality. Heterosexuality is at one end and homosexuality is at the other, and there's a host of other things in between.

If we were to make people for whom monogamy is a necessity a 0 on our scale and people for whom polyamory is a necessity a 6 on our scale, then the results would be something like this....

There are people like me who are miserable without multiple people to love. I'd basically be a 6. There are other people who would be miserable in anything less than a perfectly monogamous relationship. They'd be a 0. People who can do either and be equally happy would be 3s. I would say that none of these are particularly common, though I'd guess 0s would be more common than the other two.

Everyone else can be viewed as "mono-capable" or "poly-capable." The 1s and 2s would be mostly monogamous, but COULD be polyamorous, though they'd hardly miss it if they couldn't have it. The 4s and 5s would be mostly polyamorous, but COULD be monogamous.

Did that help any, or did I just make it more complicated than it ought to be?

 

[rida]

Thanks for the concise definition and clarification.



So say a person is not a cheater or into swinging, swapping, wifesharing, cuckolding, or open relationships. The person is in love with more than one person, including the primary partner in the unsatisfying relationship. More than likely the person would not have sought to fall in love with anyone else if the unsatisfying relationship was satisfying. Is this person poly?

I realize the situation seems more complicated to me as I try to type it out.

Your scenario has many more problems than being poly or not, but I'll give you my answer:

If he still loves the unsatisfying partner, the fact that he loves both makes him/her poly.

But, of course there is a but, why is the primary relationship unsatisfying?
And is it really love or habit that keeps him/her in the primary relationship?
And is the other relationship really love or just lust? if the primary relationship is unsatisfying it is easier to try to justify your own lust with the word love. Nothing wrong with lust and playing around and, to me, not even with not telling your primary partner. But you need to be honest with yourself on the what and the whys, and own up to your own shit, even if it stinks.

The concept of poly can be easily abused to placate your own guilt. That is not how it works. Not for me, at least.

 

[rida]

Monogamy and polyamory, I think, are simply points, possibly the end-points, on a spectrum of human mating behaviors. Kind of like the Kinsey scale of sexuality. Heterosexuality is at one end and homosexuality is at the other, and there's a host of other things in between.

If we were to make people for whom monogamy is a necessity a 0 on our scale and people for whom polyamory is a necessity a 6 on our scale, then the results would be something like this....

There are people like me who are miserable without multiple people to love. I'd basically be a 6. There are other people who would be miserable in anything less than a perfectly monogamous relationship. They'd be a 0. People who can do either and be equally happy would be 3s. I would say that none of these are particularly common, though I'd guess 0s would be more common than the other two.

Everyone else can be viewed as "mono-capable" or "poly-capable." The 1s and 2s would be mostly monogamous, but COULD be polyamorous, though they'd hardly miss it if they couldn't have it. The 4s and 5s would be mostly polyamorous, but COULD be monogamous.

Did that help any, or did I just make it more complicated than it ought to be?

I like the mono-capable and poly-capable concept!
And combined with the hetero/homo scale you get the whole combination!

So I'm poly, mono-capable, hetero, bi-capable (that is probably better then hetero-flexible)

 

[jenniferbaby]

Monogamy and polyamory, I think, are simply points, possibly the end-points, on a spectrum of human mating behaviors. Kind of like the Kinsey scale of sexuality. Heterosexuality is at one end and homosexuality is at the other, and there's a host of other things in between.

If we were to make people for whom monogamy is a necessity a 0 on our scale and people for whom polyamory is a necessity a 6 on our scale, then the results would be something like this....

There are people like me who are miserable without multiple people to love. I'd basically be a 6. There are other people who would be miserable in anything less than a perfectly monogamous relationship. They'd be a 0. People who can do either and be equally happy would be 3s. I would say that none of these are particularly common, though I'd guess 0s would be more common than the other two.

Everyone else can be viewed as "mono-capable" or "poly-capable." The 1s and 2s would be mostly monogamous, but COULD be polyamorous, though they'd hardly miss it if they couldn't have it. The 4s and 5s would be mostly polyamorous, but COULD be monogamous.

Did that help any, or did I just make it more complicated than it ought to be?

The parts in bold are extremely helpful. I think I was a bit stuck on the idea that a person is either poly or not with no possibility in between. In the scenario I'm talking about, the person would be poly-capable and went in the direction of being poly due to circumstances in the primary relationship. That makes a lot of sense.

 

[jenniferbaby]

Your scenario has many more problems than being poly or not, but I'll give you my answer:

If he still loves the unsatisfying partner, the fact that he loves both makes him/her poly.

But, of course there is a but, why is the primary relationship unsatisfying?
And is it really love or habit that keeps him/her in the primary relationship?
And is the other relationship really love or just lust? if the primary relationship is unsatisfying it is easier to try to justify your own lust with the word love. Nothing wrong with lust and playing around and, to me, not even with not telling your primary partner. But you need to be honest with yourself on the what and the whys, and own up to your own shit, even if it stinks.

The concept of poly can be easily abused to placate your own guilt. That is not how it works. Not for me, at least.

This makes a lot of sense. There's a lot more going on here than just whether or not the poly definition applies. Right now I'll go with poly-capable just to placate my need for a definitive term.

There was more here, but it was too much. Thanks for the advice.

 

[jenniferbaby]

I like the mono-capable and poly-capable concept!
And combined with the hetero/homo scale you get the whole combination!

So I'm poly, mono-capable, hetero, bi-capable (that is probably better then hetero-flexible)

So I'm mono, poly-capable, hetero, bi-capable and about a Kinsey 2--though the term hetero-flexible doesn't bother me all that much.

I haven't worked my vocabulary muscles in such a way in quite a while.

 

[Homburg]

Monogamy and polyamory, I think, are simply points, possibly the end-points, on a spectrum of human mating behaviors. Kind of like the Kinsey scale of sexuality. Heterosexuality is at one end and homosexuality is at the other, and there's a host of other things in between.

If we were to make people for whom monogamy is a necessity a 0 on our scale and people for whom polyamory is a necessity a 6 on our scale, then the results would be something like this....

There are people like me who are miserable without multiple people to love. I'd basically be a 6. There are other people who would be miserable in anything less than a perfectly monogamous relationship. They'd be a 0. People who can do either and be equally happy would be 3s. I would say that none of these are particularly common, though I'd guess 0s would be more common than the other two.

Everyone else can be viewed as "mono-capable" or "poly-capable." The 1s and 2s would be mostly monogamous, but COULD be polyamorous, though they'd hardly miss it if they couldn't have it. The 4s and 5s would be mostly polyamorous, but COULD be monogamous.

Did that help any, or did I just make it more complicated than it ought to be?

Excellent way of putting it. Right on.

 

[00Syd]

Yo, I just re-read this entire thread (yeah it took me like, an hour, whatever) after it was linked to in the relationship advice thread, and wow are things so totally different now it's BIZARRE.

The last time I posted on this thread was almost exactly one year ago, and I was posting about all the grief I was going through since I was convinced that I was monogamous, and Seb was all poly, and OMG WTF was I going to do?

At one point I said this:

I don't actually have any real desire to play with anybody else. But, who knows? Maybe I'll come across somebody one day that I just have to bone, and then I will, and I'll magically stop being jealous, and we'll live happily ever after. It could happen.

And you know what? THAT HAPPENED. I met someone who I wanted to bone, and we played and we sexed, and holy shit I pretty much magically stopped being jealous and we've been living happily ever after since! HA!

When I was last posting on this thread I was convinced that I was totally monogamous and I just had to accept it and what was I doing trying to have an open relationship? But now both Seb and I each have one regular play-partner, and there are a few guys who I think might become regular play partners of mine, and we both play with other people casually at parties, and it's working out EXCELLENTLY. Of course there are still times when I feel less than 100%, and I still feel jealous sometimes, but it's hardly a real issue anymore. Honestly, I'm more likely to feel shitty about nobody asking to play with me at a party than I am about Seb playing with somebody else.

Reading this thread was a totally wild time warp. Things are so absolutely different now than they were, it's a hoot! Great stuff

How's everyone else doing in regards to poly stuff? Any other updates?

 

[Homburg]

How's everyone else doing in regards to poly stuff? Any other updates?

Every night when I crawl into bed I have to move one first, then the other one. I go to bed later than they do, and they gravitate towards the center of the bed. It's the most basic poly difficulty I can imagine

And, yeah, that's the update.

Oh, more and more, it's just how we live our lives. Other people are getting used to it. Even the parents are getting used to it. It's a good thing.

 

[Rosie_Riveter]

Every night when I crawl into bed I have to move one first, then the other one. I go to bed later than they do, and they gravitate towards the center of the bed. It's the most basic poly difficulty I can imagine

And, yeah, that's the update.

Oh, more and more, it's just how we live our lives. Other people are getting used to it. Even the parents are getting used to it. It's a good thing.

Well, I clearly can't handle poly. I have enough trouble rolling one person over.

 

[Keroin]

Yo, I just re-read this entire thread (yeah it took me like, an hour, whatever) after it was linked to in the relationship advice thread, and wow are things so totally different now it's BIZARRE.

The last time I posted on this thread was almost exactly one year ago, and I was posting about all the grief I was going through since I was convinced that I was monogamous, and Seb was all poly, and OMG WTF was I going to do?

At one point I said this:



And you know what? THAT HAPPENED. I met someone who I wanted to bone, and we played and we sexed, and holy shit I pretty much magically stopped being jealous and we've been living happily ever after since! HA!

When I was last posting on this thread I was convinced that I was totally monogamous and I just had to accept it and what was I doing trying to have an open relationship? But now both Seb and I each have one regular play-partner, and there are a few guys who I think might become regular play partners of mine, and we both play with other people casually at parties, and it's working out EXCELLENTLY. Of course there are still times when I feel less than 100%, and I still feel jealous sometimes, but it's hardly a real issue anymore. Honestly, I'm more likely to feel shitty about nobody asking to play with me at a party than I am about Seb playing with somebody else.

Reading this thread was a totally wild time warp. Things are so absolutely different now than they were, it's a hoot! Great stuff

Very happy for you Syd!

Forgive me, but I just have to point something out regarding your change of heart. You know how sometimes you get pissed off at us “old fogies” and you think we’re being condescending and ageist and what have you? If we come across that way, or try to tell you that you’ll learn with experience, it really isn’t that we feel we’re smarter/better/ more insightful than you younger folk. This one year, complete turn around you’ve undergone is a perfect example of the wisdom that can only be gained through time and experience.

And the thing is, the more years you put on the planet, the more of these kinds of things you go through, the more you start to see patterns, start to understand wider meanings and, in short, seeing the big picture. It’s a very rewarding kind of wisdom, if you’re open to it, and it compensates for the loss of the more desirable aspects of youth, (stamina, speed, strength, feeling invincible, 20/20 vision, etc).

I know it’s annoying as hell when older people come across as know-it-alls but time and experience do have a way of turning many of us into, at the very least, know-a-lots.

 

[Keroin]

Every night when I crawl into bed I have to move one first, then the other one. I go to bed later than they do, and they gravitate towards the center of the bed. It's the most basic poly difficulty I can imagine

See, this scares me more than anything. I would have to have my own room. Seriously. I already spend 3 - 4 nights a week on the couch thanks to "He Who Snores", I can't imagine having to deal with another moving body in the bed. Plus, I'm a really light sleeper, I like to sprawl, (I sleep like a starfish), and I hate having anyone touching me while I sleep. So, probably not a good candidate. LOL.

 

[00Syd]

Very happy for you Syd!

Forgive me, but I just have to point something out regarding your change of heart. You know how sometimes you get pissed off at us “old fogies” and you think we’re being condescending and ageist and what have you? If we come across that way, or try to tell you that you’ll learn with experience, it really isn’t that we feel we’re smarter/better/ more insightful than you younger folk. This one year, complete turn around you’ve undergone is a perfect example of the wisdom that can only be gained through time and experience.

And the thing is, the more years you put on the planet, the more of these kinds of things you go through, the more you start to see patterns, start to understand wider meanings and, in short, seeing the big picture. It’s a very rewarding kind of wisdom, if you’re open to it, and it compensates for the loss of the more desirable aspects of youth, (stamina, speed, strength, feeling invincible, 20/20 vision, etc).

I know it’s annoying as hell when older people come across as know-it-alls but time and experience do have a way of turning many of us into, at the very least, know-a-lots.

I'm not saying this to disagree with you, because I totally am right there with you. I don't disagree at all! With age comes wisdom, no doubt.

But the thing that I think is great is that I didn't actually make this turnaround by wisdom gained over time, because one year ago I was saying "you know, I bet if I just DID IT, I'd be okay and feel better and everything would 'just work,' and then they did! My hunch was correct all along!

I think it's really such a hilarious trip to read my past-self agonizing over this thing when I actually had the answer all along

 

[ecstaticsub]

How's everyone else doing in regards to poly stuff? Any other updates?

My update is that I am still happily married and still with my Daddy. This past year they finally met for the first time (after 5 years) I was a nervous wreck! I knew they would be perfect gentleman with each other and the meeting would be drama-free. But I was afraid of crossing that boundary we had set up between my vanilla life and my D/s life.

All that nervousness was for nothing. They have met now twice and have gotten along beautifully.

I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with them both.

 

[00Syd]

My update is that I am still happily married and still with my Daddy. This past year they finally met for the first time (after 5 years) I was a nervous wreck! I knew they would be perfect gentleman with each other and the meeting would be drama-free. But I was afraid of crossing that boundary we had set up between my vanilla life and my D/s life.

All that nervousness was for nothing. They have met now twice and have gotten along beautifully.

I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with them both.

I'm glad that it all worked out when they met. I can imagine how that would be completely nerve wracking! I'm really happy to hear how well things are going for you all

 

[midwestyankee]

I'm not saying this to disagree with you, because I totally am right there with you. I don't disagree at all! With age comes wisdom, no doubt.

But the thing that I think is great is that I didn't actually make this turnaround by wisdom gained over time, because one year ago I was saying "you know, I bet if I just DID IT, I'd be okay and feel better and everything would 'just work,' and then they did! My hunch was correct all along!

I think it's really such a hilarious trip to read my past-self agonizing over this thing when I actually had the answer all along

Indeed you did, Dorothy. All you had to do was click your heels and move on into the future.

 

[Keroin]

I'm not saying this to disagree with you, because I totally am right there with you. I don't disagree at all! With age comes wisdom, no doubt.

But the thing that I think is great is that I didn't actually make this turnaround by wisdom gained over time, because one year ago I was saying "you know, I bet if I just DID IT, I'd be okay and feel better and everything would 'just work,' and then they did! My hunch was correct all along!

I think it's really such a hilarious trip to read my past-self agonizing over this thing when I actually had the answer all along

Agreed, and, Syd, I think you are smart and have good instincts that will serve you well. You had a theory that proved true. It's likely that, through life, you will have others that prove true and others that will not. This is what I'm talking about. Theory is one thing, experience is another.

But I think you know what I mean.

I'm just happy that everything worked out for you, you deserve it!

 

[00Syd]

Agreed, and, Syd, I think you are smart and have good instincts that will serve you well. You had a theory that proved true. It's likely that, through life, you will have others that prove true and others that will not. This is what I'm talking about. Theory is one thing, experience is another.

But I think you know what I mean.

I'm just happy that everything worked out for you, you deserve it!

Aw, thanks

 

[rida]

How's everyone else doing in regards to poly stuff? Any other updates?

Hubby and I still have an open marriage, and I have my semi-regular fuck-buddies (mostly kinky vanilla and mostly on the Dominant side of the spectrum.)

And I've been seeing the Sadist for 2 and a half years now and have just met the wife as well. Hubby had met with the Sadist at the very beginning to discuss the arrangement and they still interact socially from time to time.

I love the Sadist and he loves me. Hubby is ok with it, and the wife seems to be ok as well. The wife and I finally met and like each other but cannot say yet where it will go as it is all very new. I'm open to the idea of being submissive to her as well.

My dream arrangement would be to have a two couple poly situation. But as relationships cannot be pushed nor made into what they are not, I'm just happy right now that each of our spouses accepts and like our other SO.