need a womans advice

[Joe_615]

Hi all this is my first post so bear with me lol. I am a married man age 34, I had met and had an affair with a wonderful caring woman I had met over the net. We are still in contact, and good friends. I have now started having and affair with a younger woman (22) and we have a clear understanding that we are both interested in eachother for sex and really do not want much more. Anyway my wife, while I must state I do love her, but she is terrible in bed, she give so little back, so little emoition, I have believed there was something wrong with me but know I dont believe this, since my other lovers say I'm the best they ever had.
So how wrong am I to search for passion outside of my marriage, since I have not had it in my married life for some time. Oh cant get divorced tried once and she tried to kill herself.

 

[Shingen]

Oh, such a tangled web we've weaved.

 

[Guru]

 

[Shingen]

I agree with Guru. And it's bad karma what you're doing.

 

[Guru]

 

[Ms_Lilith]

1) you tried a divorce once, and she tried to kill herself. Put the BOTH of you in counselling. There are some deep issues there that you are tied into.

2) If you want to find passion outside your marriage, that's fine, BUT, your wife does deserve to know, and to give her consent... I mean.. you could get some kind of disease, and then bring it home to her, so she does have the right to know. She has the right to know why you've not been after sex, she does have a right to understand the change in your relationship. Considering she tried to kill herself when you tried a divorce, I'm thinking that telling her this stuff wouldn't be a great idea, but it's better than not telling her.

3) Talk to her. Ask her what it is about sex or intimacy that she doesn't enjoy. Tell her that you've not had pleasure in your lovemaking, and that you wonder if you're doing something wrong. Your other lovers might say you're a great lover (and might just be stroking your ego), but you can't be a great lover unless you understand what your partner loves. You sound like you don't know what your wife loves (because she's not communicating), so you have to ask. Maybe she's got some scarring from something in her past, and maybe you need to learn to go slow, or learn her moods. Maybe there are psychological issues affecting her sex drive. Either way, as her husband, as the man who said 'till death do us part', you have to do your best to figure out what's wrong, TOGETHER, and then to work on it. Once again, I suggest counselling. I suggest going together, AND going alone... I think it would be beneficial.

 

[Joe_615]

Thank you for your comments, My wife and I have tried counseling, She was told that she had to let me live my own life, and that she had to deal with reality. She is on several psych medications, and I assure you I have spoken with her on a few occasions about the lack of feeling I have in bed with her. I'm not asking for validation, just seeing if theres something I have not done. I am with her to one keep my kids happy, and two because she has proven that she will do something crazy if I file for divorce (again). I guess I feel traped. Thank you though for your honesty.

 

[Shingen]

Well I hope that in the end all goes well for all parties involved. Maybe there is a happy medium you can reach. Good luck!

 

[Rawhide_101]

Please forgive me for responding, as I am not a woman.

I agree with vixenshe's comments regarding counselling:

Once again, I suggest counselling. I suggest going together, AND going alone... I think it would be beneficial.

But I strongly suggest finding a new counsellor. No counsellor worth their salt (or your money) TELLS a client what to do!

My wife and I have tried counseling, She was told that she had to let me live my own life, and that she had to deal with reality.

The client must first achnowledge there is a problem and then want to take the appropriate steps to fix, heal, etc. the problem.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Hope you find the strength to do what is right for you!

 

[Joe_615]

Thank you for telling me what you think. We have been to 5 different counselers over the years, Unfortunatly when my wife hears something she dosnt like from the theripist, she stops going. Believe me when I say that I have the full support of all the counselers we have seen. It's I'm in a difficult situation, thank you again for your advice and comments.

 

[tyme]

I must say I like the way you are taking what everyone is saying. Call me cold but I would still file for one. You are not doing her or you or any of the women you are with any favors by staying with her. I know you say she will try to kill herself again. Well thats what friends and family are for to help her through that time so she does not. If they know to look out for it then they can help stop it. Also It is not your job to control her. so if she should that would not be your falt. All this is doing by staying with her is adding to the # of people that are not happy. Thats what I think.

 

[Rawhide_101]

I guess, then, it comes down to the cold, hard truth:

What do you truly want?

Do you love your wife?

Do you want to stay with this women for the rest of your life?

Are you presently happy? Sad? Angry? (those are the three basic emotions).

Take stock of your life as it is.

 

[Joe_615]

Well, Yes I love my wife, But I am unhappy, I have tried leaving her because to put it mildly, she was very over controling. My wife has been commited twice, once in the last year and both times because (at the counselers office) I asked that we try and make things better, or divorce. It is very hard, she is the mother of my children, but most of the time I cannot stand to be with her. The two women I have had affairs with have said I need to leave her but no one is sure just how. Too many other factors involved, Kids, families, ect. But once agin thankyou all for your time.

 

[Rawhide_101]

Consider this:

Perhaps you will be more helpful if you leave the relationship.

If you leave, you just might be able to help her, either directly or indirectly.

You just might be helping your wife remain in her present condition by staying.

Also, if you do leave, consider some of the benefits:

More present in the relationship with your children.
More present in the relationship with your family.
More productive in your career/job.

 

[tyme]

I agree with Rawhide_101 You really are not helping her by staying if that is not what you want. BUT make sure that is what you want. To me it sounds like you have tried everything that you can. Maybe if you took control of your life she would find a way to get control of her own.